Duckygirl1

I actually have Sonny and Cher stuck in my head singing "and the quack goes on"

We all know that A's are manipulative, but I'm starting to really see how the roots of this thing lay in the family. Not all families mind you, but I'm seeing so much clearer each day how my ex learned how to manipulate, use and charm people to his own advantage from his mom loooooong before he ever had a drink in his life. He and his brother have been spoiled enabled brats from the beginning. No wonder they never stopped to think of the consequences of their actions as teens drinking and drugging(now 39 and 46) they never had any consequences mom didn't bail them out of.

My x's brothers ex finance (I'll call her J)and I have been keeping each other sane as we work thorough the wreckage that these brothers left in their wake. We call ourselves (the brothers last name) Anonymous. Today the mom wrote J a quacking manifesto on how bad the brother is doing and how much he needs help. Of course it's just the consequences of his actions. He's an A, coke/weed head, gambler ie broke. Mom offered to keep J posted on all of the happenings. Mind you, J has moved, blocked e mails, changed her phone number to keep the brother out of her life. She just forgot about FB. So mom uses that to get to her.

I barely got a Merry Christmas and found out that the Christmas presents that she had bought for me she returned to the store. My ex is safe and tucked away in rehab, which I got him into, so I'm no longer needed. I assured J that once the brother has enough money, goes to much needed rehab or finds another girl, she will be dismissed as I was.

We we thinking about having a full on intervention with mama. Just like a regular one where we write letters to read to her. Not telling her she's a bad mom, but letting her know she's helping them hurt themselves and others. Just inviting her to lunch and laying it all out. Maybe even inviting the brothers ex wives.

We don't hate this lady, but it's got to stop.

hopeful4

If you don't answer any of her calls, ignore her, and if you do happen to get her say, "I am sorry, X is no longer in my life," she will get the hint. If you keep opening up your life to her she will keep coming back in. She is sick with codependency and trying for you girls to do the same.

I would move forward with both of your lives.

knowthetriggers

She sounds as "sick" as her boys - just my opinion.

Eddiebuckle

Unless your intent is to stay involved as a part of this family, I don't know that this intervention/lunch is such a great idea. What is your motive for this, to fix her?

Duckygirl1

Thanks all!
No, Eddie not to fox her. It's to let her hear the truth from our side. We thought that if she heard it from both of us at once it might make an impact. But we don't want to be involved with them, so you're right. They only hear what they want anyway.

kj3880

If she's a woman mired in decades of codependency, I seriously doubt that an intervention luncheon would help. When the pain of what she's doing gets bad enough, she'll look for a way to change. Until that happens, she isn't finished riding the codie ride. In fact, if you spend any time with her, the chances are better that she'll pull you into it than that you would pull her up out of it. Stay on your side of the street, IMO.

Godismyrock

I agree to stay away from the nonsense. Time will bring the distance you and J desire.

Now I'm singing la de da da dee, la de da de da.
The quack goes on. The quack goes on

ladyscribbler

My ex's mom had to get (literally) punched in the face by his alcoholism before she understood how bad the problem was. She told my ex that she was no longer going to give him "grocery money" and he got enraged and attacked her and threatened to kill his dad.
I can't help but think that a part of that was me. I was a really good codie for a really long time. Cleaning up, covering up, minimizing, denying, hiding and outright lying. She didn't understand the full extent of his problem until I was no longer there to act as a buffer between his addiction and the world.
She was absolutely enraged when I left, terrified of me taking away her grandson, terrified that no one would be there to take care of her son. She screamed, cursed, threatened me. All I could do was limit my contact with her while making sure DS5 talked to grandma every Sunday.
She had to try to fix her son, to save him, to do all the things I tried that failed. She couldn't hear it from me. She had to experience it herself to understand.
And she still won't go to Alanon, despite my best efforts to steer her there, lol. Everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own time, however much it frustrates us onlookers.

Duckygirl1

You hit the nail on the head LadyS! All j and I were was a buffer between mom and sons. Now that my ex is in rehab, they are the buffer. But older brother is out on his on and as soon as J left, his boat sunk so low mom had to try and call for help. Help in this case being trying to find someone to make life cushy for her baby boy. I'm so sorry it took blows for your XMIL to come to grips. They always demonize us when we leave. Smh.

DoubleDragons

Honestly, I don't know who I am more frustrated with or who actually has more denial, my alcoholic mother or my extremely codependent father?!? While I know an intervention wouldn't work for either one of them, I sometimes think I would have more luck with my mother. I concur with everyone else here, move on with your lives and let Sick 1, Sick 2 and Sick 3 reach their bottoms, to either sink or swim. Give yourselves the gift of drama-free peace and sanity.