freetosmile

Just a reminder- Atreyu got OUT of the swamp. He overcame the grief and so will you.

I'm kind of in the same boat...except mine is like well... you know.

I feel I just can't go on. YES, yes you CAN go on. Actually life will continue whether you think you can go on or not, ya know?

Your anger? Well that's just it isn't it--- it's YOUR anger, YOUR sadness, YOUR grief. You gotta talk yourself through this crap- I don't know how your brain works- but I'm a nurse too, and I know that if I can "logically" explain to myself WHY I'm feeling a certain way- it makes it easier for me ALLOW myself to feel that way.

I agree, you don't need to be told it ok to be angry anymore- in FACT- I feel like it's time for you to DO SOMETHING about it.

I think that anger that is as all-consuming as yours is- can get unhealthy if it hangs around for too long.

I think anger every now and then, is ok...but you are PRETTY DAMN PISSED.

Talk to yourself.. work it out. Interupt those thought processes that are full of anger and spite and replace them with healthy thoughts of "let it GO".


That's what I have to do right now.... I'm OVERWHELMED with grief, despair, and anger. I just have to breathe. Pick up the phone and call someone. Write in my journal, talk to my friends on SR, and rearrange that thought pattern.

I hope some of this makes sense girlie. Stay tough, stay strong.
Hugs

NYCDoglvr

Reminds me of the time my xrabf and I met with a mediator. I was in such a rage I stormed out, much to my own chagrin. It was simply too late, which I knew going in.

POAndrea

I had a really hard time with the anger, especially after my husband got sober. I hoped that everything would go back to the way it was Before, but it didn't because he wasn't doing anything differently other than just not drinking. At first I was so sad--I would cry and wail, just driving around in the car. I don't think I had ever experienced such soul-crushing grief. I couldn't imagine ever feeling better--I truly believed that every day would be like the last until the day I died. Then I became angry, which wasn't much better because it just meant I drove around raging and howling instead of weeping. I think the anger felt worse than the grief, to be honest. At first it was fuel to keep going. But it needed something to burn--I had no real focus for all that energy other than just holding on, and that's not enough to satisfy anger. It came out in my interactions with other people, and it really bothered me to hurt others. (At least the sadness didn't trouble anyone else but me. Or so I keep telling myself.) It never ended, and I just got angrier and angrier until I realized I didn't have a different response to the situation. Himself refused to do marriage counseling, and to be honest, I wasn't well enough myself at that point to benefit from services. I knew the situation wasn't going to change on its own, so I was going to have to get out of the situation on my own. So I did, and it felt so much better. I feel so much better than I would have ever thought possible six months ago. I am so glad to have found if not peace, then something close enough to it for now. I truly hope and wish you can cry/howl/rage your way to a peace of your own.

shinebright7

Terp - I feel your pain and understand that place of feeling like you can't stand it for another second.

I've spent SO much of life feeling angry about the impact of growing up with an addict father who was also sexually inappropriate with me. I have had self-esteem and issues with men my entire life. NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR...right? How am I in this friggin' situation again with an addict husband?! OMG...I have had so much self-hatred and hopelessness over this crap. I have cried and screamed into pillows about it more times than I care to remember -- and was just doing it two nights ago. AGAIN!

But man...even though there is so much pain, and I can so easily stay in it...what I've noticed is that I'm angry and pissed off until I'm not. And in that moment of not feeling quite so angry, I can think a little more clearly and make a decision to take care of myself in whatever way that might look.

When it rains, it rains until it stops. When we're angry, same thing. It's an emotional storm that comes to pass and not to stay. But sometimes it's a TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR and it hurst like hell.

Hang in there, Terp.

TerpGal

Yes. I need logical explanations, but the questions I want answered there are NO logical explanations to. Addiction isn't logical. Abusive behavior is not logical, at least from where I sit. And the biggest question.........why was I born into that situation? Why did I remain in that situation with RAH. There is no answer to that. And then I get all nihilistic. Well if God makes no mistakes, what is the POINT of my life? So either A) I must exist solely for God's amusement B) I must have done something very wrong and am being punished for it or C) God does not exist, or at least a benevolent loving God.

I work with kids. Well now I just work with teens. I am a psych nurse. I see very at risk kids. Kids who are suicidal, angry, and I try to tell them that its ok and gets better but I feel like I'm lying to them. And sometimes it hits me so close to home..........I should have BEEN one of those kids, you know, the ones who's parent/s gave a **** to get them help. When my mom got a call from the school guidance counselor when I was 13 because I was suicidal she said, "why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong?). My dad was furious and told me I just need ed to go to confession and offer my suffering as a sacrifice to Jesus Christ.

Funny how I ended up with someone so overly emotional and angry during his active drinking when I ended up with RAH. Deep down, RAH is a good man and he is capable of change and working on making that happen. My dad, deep down really cares. Cares TOO much IMO. He was just angry because.......idk, fear? He lashed out because of......idk, fear?

See this is the point where I start questioning my existance. I do it all the time, esp this time of year. I know I am depressed. That's why I'm not thinking clearly. But there is NO MORE medicine to try. I've tried it all. Blech. Whatevs. It's hard for me to do anything for me because I don't get joy or pleasure out of anything anymore. I could go through the motions, but that would be it. I hate living this way. I am tired.

freetosmile

Oh I totally get the God thing-- wow do I ever--

No addiction ISN'T logical...neither is abuse. You are soooo right!! But here is the kicker about God--it's called free will..ya know? We have this wonderful brain that we were given to make CHOICES about ourselves. I think that God wants us to make the BEST choice that we can for OUR OWN HAPPINESS. I mean, when it comes to our own lives, God will do the leg work, but we have to make the CHOICE to let Him do the leg work.

I don't know if you've read my threads..I really opened up about a lot of sh!t that happened when I was a kiddo...no none of this is fair.

Why do you think God made a woman like you, who knows what it's like to be suicidal as a teenager, a psych nurse??? Kind of weird isn't it? Maybe perhaps through OUR trials and sufferings we are able to lend the hand to others who are going through the same crap, ya know?

I got so mad at God for allowing my ex to rape me, hit me, and all that crap. I was so mad at mom for calling me all those names....I just HATE THIS-- but hey God must have a LOT of respect for me to know that I can handle that and come out better for it.

God will never give us more than we can handle-- but he will OFTEN give us more than we can control. I used to wonder why- but I think it's because He wants me to lean on Him MORE- not less. If I could control EVERYTHING- what would be the point of God anyway?

Everything we have been through, and WILL go through has been given to us for a purpose....and years from now- should we hold steadfast--all will be revealed.

God chose you because you are STRONG! Yep it sucks always being the strong one..but you need to feel His love wrapping around you like a cloak. Anger at God can really destroy you at the core. I found when I lost faith in God-- it didn't matter HOW good my relationship was with AH-- I was a miserable wretch.

God is not amused by you, he adores you and cherishes you. He gives us tough sh!t because he knows someone else who goes through all this will need someone to lean on that understands...that's where you and I come in.

Hang in there

hugs

freetosmile

And yes, I question my exsistence and purpose A LOT--- I sometimes just feel like an ant running around like a chicken with my head cut off--trying to win some race that doesn't even have a finish line!!! (looks up at sky) what the hell is the purpose of THIS!!? I ask that question a lot!

And you know as well as I do, that there is no answer to that question girlie.

But I do know that life without a HP is soooo depressing. I don't know what to tell you about the meds. If they aren't working, you'd be the one to know.

Have you thought about taking a drug holiday? Wean off and then start up again..maybe kick it back into gear?

SHETRIM

Hi know exactly how you feel and how hopeless everything feels. Angry does not even come close what to do where to go nothing fits? Things do get better once you can see a way forward in whichever direction you chooses. in the meantime, since you mentioned never ending story I will assume you know of other films of the same era. I am sending you a virtual Rainbow Brite who with the help of the color kids saved the world from darkness.
Big hugs

shinebright7

LOL Love it! And I'm adding a big CARE BEAR STARE!!!!!

NWGRITS

Get the anger out. I know this isn't going to help now, and I fully expect to be met with a giant "F YOU," but I couldn't get past any of that until I came to terms with the fact that the only person responsible for my happiness is... me. I was so angry at how my parents had ruined my life, or how my ex had. But ultimately, I am the only one who can claim responsibility for where I am at this very moment. My stubbornness and refusal to deal with my problems is all my fault, not everyone else's. You alone are responsible for your happiness. You have to go out and find it.

freetosmile

I love the care bears- they rock

TerpGal

You're right. That does make me angry LOL. How is anyone supposed to be happy having gone through such hell? I feel like I will be haunted by the spectre of it my whole life and for the rest of my life, no matter how much work I do in therapy, there will always be triggers, there will always be major setbacks, I will never really be happy.

I don't know how to "make" myself happy and no one seems to be able to tell me. I don't think I know what happy is and I wouldn't know it if it walked right up to me and smacked me in the face.

freetosmile

That's because the only thing /person who can make you happy is you.

Hawks

Start with being grateful for what you do have.

A house, food, water, clothing, a bed, a car etc.

Think about going to a hospital burns unit, find a kid there who is burned over half their body but will live...... Tell them your problems.

Think about the people living in shanty towns in south africa.

redatlanta

Hawks makes and excellent point.

As someone who lives with a person whose tendency is to look at life through the eyes of negativity and "what went wrong" I have heard it till I could check into a psyche ward myself.

- pretty awful parents growing up (true)
- a brother that "got everything while I got nothing" (true)
- alcoholic
- drug addict
- diabetic
- Bi polar
- OCD
- multiple health issues requiring yearly hospitalizations
- Parents that are still at war (awful OMG get a divorce)

Then there is

- A business owner
- A great relationship
- Much improvement in health over past 4 years
- Beautiful Home
- Freedom to do whatever you want
- A much improved relationship with father
- Stability
- Great doctors that you love and who have improved your health immensely
- No monetary issues in fact you can pretty much get, buy, or go wherever you want within reason


You get the picture here. My husband also dwells in the past (primarily about his rotten childhood).

When he gets in these " moods" its literally as if in a vortex spinning down, down, down. I'll give a little bit of that to bi-polar but not much. Seems to be some comfort in feeling bad at times like its a place that is comfortable even though he will complain at the same time that he hates feeling like that. He could find something wrong with a lottery winning when in that mind frame.

We went to therapy very early on about this and how he seems to not be able to shake what has happened to him from Birth until about 5 years ago. The therapist said if you live in the past you live in depression, if you live in the future you live in anxiety. best to live in the present. I think that is attributable to Buddha or Dalai Lama can't remember.

I feel like I am blabbering here in a long winded way to say why I think my husband at times thinks the same way you do. Its the OCD - the thoughts can be obsessive, and mis-placed control issues. Not being able to control what happened in the past, yet also not controlling what he can control which is what happens in the present which may affect the future.

He wants recognition from his parents of what they did to him and they will die, literally, before they give it to him. I truly believe it would help him heal. They see no accountability whatsoever in what happened with RAH, and won't attribute a damn thing in accountability to the golden child either who deals with it by having nothing to do with them minus maybe 2 days a year. Their idea of abuse or neglect I guess is what one would think of in the worst terms possible - like something that would be on the news. Since they didn't do that, they are scratching their heads wondering what their sons problems are with them. Of course no one can trump their own childhoods which were newsworthy, and they "didn't do that to their kids". Broken people produce broken people.

I am sorry you feel like that I understand why you do. i have seen a reduction in the phases from when we first got together from like 70% of our interaction to maybe 10%. Livable. How he got to that place was by the therapist pointing out that his thoughts controlled him rather than the other way around.

My ES&H take what you want - hoping today is a better day for you.

Florence

Terp, a big thing for me was "inner child" and/or "reparenting" therapy. It sounded and felt like a crock until I submitted to the process. It was really pretty amazing, especially with dealing with the feelings I had about my childhood.

shil2587

First (((((terp))))). I get it. I really do. I could have written your post myself word for word a few years ago. Right down to the flashbacks, bullying, unsympathetic parents and believing God must hate me.

Like you, I got sick and tired of being told it was OK to be angry because I already knew that. What I wanted was for it all to stop.

I found talking about it just made me wallow. I wasn't ready to processm. Meditation wound me up because I wanted to be angry, hell, I had good reason to be.

So I tried ramping it up, sort of accelerating the process for short periods of time. I took up kick boxing and I beat pads to kingdom come. It felt amazing. And for me, it helped. It helped to feel it physicalpy and be worn out by it. Made a change from talking and it just going round and round in my head.

Talking helped later, but first my body needed to join my mind.

As for the God part, I don't believe a loving God does give us awful things. Time and chance happen to us all. But He does give us a way to become something incredible as a result and I know I am a much better person for all the things I have learned as a result.

But for now, maybe talking isn't for you. Maybe you too need to physically feel it first?

lillamy

Well, I don't know why you had to be born into the situation you were born into -- and you don't need me to tell you that there are too many others who are just like you. You see it every day. Except you see the kids who DO have parents who care. The ones whose parents are like yours? They probably don't ever get to the point where they get help.

(I unfortunately see quite a few of them -- and feed some of them at my dinner table -- because they're friends with my kids.)

I'm thinking though that nobody can have more understanding and compassion for these kids than you do. That maybe the suffering and the hell you've lived through is being used for good in the lives of these kids. Maybe you don't see it now. Maybe they don't see it now. But maybe they'll be like my friend who grew up with two alcoholic parents -- and who now, at 50, says "there was this one old nurse at the pediatric psych clinic... I was really too old to be treated there... but she took me in anyway... and that lady? She saved my life."

I've heard many adults who were troubled kids say "there was this ONE person... who listened... who believed in me..."

I don't for a second believe that "everything happens for a reason" -- but I do believe that good things CAN come out of horrible, painful experiences. And I have a feeling that you are one of those good things for many, many of the kids you encounter every day. And I thank you for the work you do, and I thank God (who is a much nicer God than the one your father threw at you) that there are people like YOU who can help kids like mine when I don't have the skills or abilities.

And maybe that doesn't help YOU one bit. But I still wanted you to know that regardless of how you feel about it today -- feelings are not facts. And you may be filling a void in lives that have so many holes in them. And you may be making all the difference for those kids. So whatever your life is -- it's far from meaningless.

TerpGal

This is all because I'm depressed. I know it. It is impossible not to be negative and see everything as awful and horrible when you are clinically depressed. Unfortunately I have a psychiatrist who seems to think "no medication can fix this". I know I could go higher on my mood stabilizer. I have been higher and did better IMO. My antidepressant I am still on the starter dose. It's a brand new drug. Needs prior auth from the insurance company before they will pay. She has had that form in her office since the 22nd and hasn't done anything with it.

I liked her, for a long time. But the fact that it takes days and days for a refill request and that my wait in the office each time is at least 45 minutes.........it's getting old. I hate finding new psychiatrists. It always takes forever. This time of year is bad bad bad for me. Not to even mention the stressors I have going right now. If I wasn't at my job for only 3 months, I would probably check myself into the hospital. Really. I am losing my mind.

Thumper

Oh Terp, I'm sorry you are struggling so.

If you think you need to go to the hospital for treatment - go. Jobs have a way of working themselves out one way or another. ****{hugs}}}