How I spent my 38th wedding anniversary
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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How I spent my 38th wedding anniversary
Update on these post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-ah-detox.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rievances.html
Yesterday was our 38th wedding anniversary. It was also DHs 33rd day of sobriety (by his calculation).
He's doing 90/90 at AA, and he's 8 meetings to the good, meaning he's gone to two a day 8 times.
Yesterday for our anniversary we went to an alcohol-free Indian restaurant for an early dinner and then we went to his 7:30pm Open Speaker meeting.
What I really want to address is how it's becoming clear to me how my own drinking patterns had changed over the years. I was never a drinker. Especially when raising the kids I hardly ever had any alcohol--maybe New Year's Eve or a wedding.
When AH went back to drinking in 2004 and the kids were off to college, I would drink with him at bars. I would have maybe 2 glasses of wine all night, but I would always drink. But never at home--never.
I actually recorded in my diary the first time I went to a liquor store and bought myself a bottle of wine--I was 55. I thought it was kind of remarkable that in my environment I had NEVER bought myself alcohol outside of a restaurant.
When I was 56, I left work to become a consultant, and therefore worked at home. One of the "fringe benefits" of working from home was being able to go outside (it was May, I remember) and have a glass of wine in the afternoon after my work was done.
Over the past few years my personal use of alcohol has escalated to daily drinking of about 3 drinks a day, over the course of the day. It was easy to hide because I never got "drunk"--and fact I didn't really like the buzz that much--well, maybe just a little.
What has surprised me is how habitual my drinking became. I remember sitting on a plane next to a woman who said she packs a bottle of wine in her suitcase when she goes on business travel and I thought how odd that was. Well a couple of years later, I was checking my bags so that I could carry wine in my bag. I remember one day I actually drank a whole bottle of wine, and was horrified. When DH came home drunk, I have to admit to feeling a slight sense of vindication for going out and buying my own, and then hiding the drinking of it.
So in short, for about 6-7 years I have been drinking alcoholically. Does that make me an alcoholic? I'm not thinking about that right now. Right now I'm just trying to go back to being the way I was before I bought that first bottle of wine at age 55. (By the way, that's a rhetorical question).
I remember one of my Al-Anon friends said, "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." I think I've been stumbling around with one eye in this case.
This experience has taught me some compassion for the need alcoholics experience, and also what a slippery slope habitual drinking can be.
As for DH, he has glommed onto the program like I've never seen. He's calling Bill W. a genius, and the program remarkable. But he's been exposed to the program for decades and he used to make fun of AA folks and call them losers and the sayings were "stupid"--I asked him what made the difference now? And he doesn't really know--it's just that wonderful act of grace and moment of clarity for which we are both grateful today.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-ah-detox.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rievances.html
Yesterday was our 38th wedding anniversary. It was also DHs 33rd day of sobriety (by his calculation).
He's doing 90/90 at AA, and he's 8 meetings to the good, meaning he's gone to two a day 8 times.
Yesterday for our anniversary we went to an alcohol-free Indian restaurant for an early dinner and then we went to his 7:30pm Open Speaker meeting.
What I really want to address is how it's becoming clear to me how my own drinking patterns had changed over the years. I was never a drinker. Especially when raising the kids I hardly ever had any alcohol--maybe New Year's Eve or a wedding.
When AH went back to drinking in 2004 and the kids were off to college, I would drink with him at bars. I would have maybe 2 glasses of wine all night, but I would always drink. But never at home--never.
I actually recorded in my diary the first time I went to a liquor store and bought myself a bottle of wine--I was 55. I thought it was kind of remarkable that in my environment I had NEVER bought myself alcohol outside of a restaurant.
When I was 56, I left work to become a consultant, and therefore worked at home. One of the "fringe benefits" of working from home was being able to go outside (it was May, I remember) and have a glass of wine in the afternoon after my work was done.
Over the past few years my personal use of alcohol has escalated to daily drinking of about 3 drinks a day, over the course of the day. It was easy to hide because I never got "drunk"--and fact I didn't really like the buzz that much--well, maybe just a little.
What has surprised me is how habitual my drinking became. I remember sitting on a plane next to a woman who said she packs a bottle of wine in her suitcase when she goes on business travel and I thought how odd that was. Well a couple of years later, I was checking my bags so that I could carry wine in my bag. I remember one day I actually drank a whole bottle of wine, and was horrified. When DH came home drunk, I have to admit to feeling a slight sense of vindication for going out and buying my own, and then hiding the drinking of it.
So in short, for about 6-7 years I have been drinking alcoholically. Does that make me an alcoholic? I'm not thinking about that right now. Right now I'm just trying to go back to being the way I was before I bought that first bottle of wine at age 55. (By the way, that's a rhetorical question).
I remember one of my Al-Anon friends said, "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." I think I've been stumbling around with one eye in this case.
This experience has taught me some compassion for the need alcoholics experience, and also what a slippery slope habitual drinking can be.
As for DH, he has glommed onto the program like I've never seen. He's calling Bill W. a genius, and the program remarkable. But he's been exposed to the program for decades and he used to make fun of AA folks and call them losers and the sayings were "stupid"--I asked him what made the difference now? And he doesn't really know--it's just that wonderful act of grace and moment of clarity for which we are both grateful today.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow, that's great to hear--about the lightbulb going on for your husband.
Your sneaking progression of your drinking after living with an alcoholic for many years struck a chord with me. I remember shortly after I left my second husband going out and buying a big fat bottle of scotch that I drank all by myself. It felt like "revenge" or "up yours."
Even though I had often drunk WITH him in the days before his hospitalization, once he was "trying" to stay sober I quit drinking altogether--until then. Then, all bets were off. I started drinking every day, and I, too, got a kick out of walking into the liquor store and buying my own. And I started packing bottles for trips (including small pint-sized bottles in the event I needed to hide it). And yup, sure enough, given enough of that, I eventually became a full-blown alcoholic. And I started in my mid-40s.
When I went to the AA 75th anniversary convention in San Antonio several years ago, one of the speakers talked with great affection about his wife. And he said, "God bless our lovely Al-Anons--we get a lot of 'transfers' from them!"
Big laugh, but it's true. I can see the seeds of my alcoholism going back to when I partied in high school, but it was really just potential until I started really feeding it in my 40s. So it doesn't hurt to consider the possibility that you might have acquired the same problem--or that you might be on the way.
Your sneaking progression of your drinking after living with an alcoholic for many years struck a chord with me. I remember shortly after I left my second husband going out and buying a big fat bottle of scotch that I drank all by myself. It felt like "revenge" or "up yours."
Even though I had often drunk WITH him in the days before his hospitalization, once he was "trying" to stay sober I quit drinking altogether--until then. Then, all bets were off. I started drinking every day, and I, too, got a kick out of walking into the liquor store and buying my own. And I started packing bottles for trips (including small pint-sized bottles in the event I needed to hide it). And yup, sure enough, given enough of that, I eventually became a full-blown alcoholic. And I started in my mid-40s.
When I went to the AA 75th anniversary convention in San Antonio several years ago, one of the speakers talked with great affection about his wife. And he said, "God bless our lovely Al-Anons--we get a lot of 'transfers' from them!"
Big laugh, but it's true. I can see the seeds of my alcoholism going back to when I partied in high school, but it was really just potential until I started really feeding it in my 40s. So it doesn't hurt to consider the possibility that you might have acquired the same problem--or that you might be on the way.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Solo, I think your experience is very true for many women in particular. I remember drinking a beer with my H and wondering why. I don't even like beer in a can. I started to realize I could fall into drinking right along with him just in an attempt to have a relationship with him.
I see all of this wine decor for homes, and the FB comments and women rattling over their wine after work to drink away the day and I definitely know you aren't alone in relying on it too much. Relying to the point you identify an issue.
Good luck going forward. Happy 38th anniversary!
I see all of this wine decor for homes, and the FB comments and women rattling over their wine after work to drink away the day and I definitely know you aren't alone in relying on it too much. Relying to the point you identify an issue.
Good luck going forward. Happy 38th anniversary!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
This resonates with me also.
I have also wondered if I could qualify as a "double winner."
A customer of mine who is 25 years sober in AA told me they would consider me a "backdoor member."
I made the decision to take my last drink in February, largely because I have a pattern of it escalating from 1 drink to much more over time.
I am glad you got to spend your anniversary with your mate, and wish you many more.
On my 15th anniversary last November, I could not find my mate. I learned later that he was partying with friends in his RV on the Colorado river. We never have any money, but he managed that trip, to the tune of about $300 in fuel and RV fees.
I have also wondered if I could qualify as a "double winner."
A customer of mine who is 25 years sober in AA told me they would consider me a "backdoor member."
I made the decision to take my last drink in February, largely because I have a pattern of it escalating from 1 drink to much more over time.
I am glad you got to spend your anniversary with your mate, and wish you many more.
On my 15th anniversary last November, I could not find my mate. I learned later that he was partying with friends in his RV on the Colorado river. We never have any money, but he managed that trip, to the tune of about $300 in fuel and RV fees.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
That was a powerful share.
I drank very abusively in my 20's. All kinds of red flags and negative consequences and I'm sure I looked no different than a raging alcoholic. When I started my family I was able to just stop. I moderated and drank socially without any trouble. I was never faced with the question of drinking alone because I always had ah to drink with. I'm not an alcoholic but I can say it scares me. When I was going through my divorce, and the year after, I was so sad and lost and I didn't drink. I definitely made a choice not to drink at home alone. It would have been to easy to cross a line. I'm past that emotional turmoil and drink socially again (although much less than I did in my 30's) and once in a blue moon I'll have a drink at home but not as a way to cope or dull pain or unwind from stress. I avoid drinking in those cases. I feel like I dodged the addiction bullet in my 20's and I've no desire to temp fate again.
I drank very abusively in my 20's. All kinds of red flags and negative consequences and I'm sure I looked no different than a raging alcoholic. When I started my family I was able to just stop. I moderated and drank socially without any trouble. I was never faced with the question of drinking alone because I always had ah to drink with. I'm not an alcoholic but I can say it scares me. When I was going through my divorce, and the year after, I was so sad and lost and I didn't drink. I definitely made a choice not to drink at home alone. It would have been to easy to cross a line. I'm past that emotional turmoil and drink socially again (although much less than I did in my 30's) and once in a blue moon I'll have a drink at home but not as a way to cope or dull pain or unwind from stress. I avoid drinking in those cases. I feel like I dodged the addiction bullet in my 20's and I've no desire to temp fate again.
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