Teggie

Sigh, well I really just need to vent a little, just got through dealing with a situation that I hope to never deal with again. My AH and I are trying to work things out, we love each other and we have a son and so far things are going really good, we communicate, I go to alanon, he's been sober and I am really hoping he will take the AA plunge soon, he has been posting on some AA sites, so that can't be all bad. The problem is my Ex!! The father of my 2 older girls. When my AH walked out on us I had to move back to my hometown, it was a personal choice because a: I grew up there and my family all lives nearby and b: it's much cheaper to live here. My ex was alot of help when I moved here, he offered to help me move stuff, fixed things in the house, helped take care of the girls etc. I never asked him for help, he just offered. And when your alone, you tend to accept help that is offered. Before my AH and I decided to work on our marriage my ex approached me and told me he still loved me and wanted me to come back to him (Acccccccck!) I told him I really appreciated all the help but I just wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and did not want to be pressured. I never encouraged him that I am aware of. He managed to get encouraged all on his own. So once it was known that my husband and I were trying to work things out I have been dreading the sh** hitting the fan. And it did. My family is upset that I am trying to work things out, but have been supportive of me. Not to the point that they want to sit and have a conversation with him, but they are supportive. My ex is pissed to say the least, he hates my husband and I know he thinks me the biggest fool there is. He came to pick the girls up on sunday, had'nt called, just showed up as usual. He and my husband got into a little verbal spat which fueled the fire. I went to work later that evening I work 12 hr night shifts at a hospital. About 9 pm here he comes to my work, has the girls with him and starts raging at me in the waiting room. I tell him to take it outside. So we do and he informs me that my girls are terrified of my husband that he's a "drill sargent" and that he refuses to take them home, that they can live with him, well, that set me off, immediatly and soon ensued a verbal shouting match that could have cost me my job. I regret that I reacted as I did. But it was instantaneous, any mother I feel would have prob done the same. The thing is my 12 yr old has not been happy because I don't let her go see her lil BF in our old town, I feel she is too young, we restrict her phone usage, make her do chores and help out in the family. Her father lets her do as she pleases and even takes her to visit her BF, he stays with her but still. I know I can't tell them what to do on his visitation. I was soo upset that night I thought I was going to go crazy, after I got home I immediatly found and posted on a child custody forum, the help I got was immense, I looked back through my divorce papers, saw that although we both have joint custody I am the custodial parant and I decide the residence and so forth. So the only way for him to take my girls legally is to take me to court and have a judge decide I am unfit (which ain't gonna happen) So I went and picked them up, left him a message and stated if you thnk they are in a unsuitable environment, get a lawyer. I just feel nerve wracked over the whole thing, I know I need to do some serious reflecting and study. Thanks for listening to me, it helps alot just to lay it out. Hugs! Teggie

Gracey

Having any age kids to raise is hard enough... my (15 yr old girl) whewwwwww!!! Beautiful, smart, sometimes the most loving person in the world........then holy cow mood change........she becomes selfish, hateful..........and the most self centered person I know.........I know hormones.........I try to look at things as a whole...........and look at the things I am very grateful for......I can think of a ton of things to be grateful for with my daughter...(I am with you, I would not take a 12 year old to a bf either) I would dread taking my 15 yr. old.............but thank goodness it hasnt gone there yet........and that makes me feel better......I really believe when my kids grow up, they will have recognized why I had to be the tough guy and set rules....someone has to .....I know that they will figure out one day I only did it because I care......

when you add everything else that we have in our lives. (full time job, ect. ect.) Overwhelming at times.........

lol I thought I was the smart one and had three kids four years apart between each one so I would only have one child in college to a time...........I just prolonged how long I will have to deal with teenagers........

Daffodil

((((Hugs))))

It always makes us mothers go off when our kids are threatened. !2 years old girls are changing so quickly and all they know is they want to grow up asap (in my humble opinion). I have a 14 years old granddaughter and its been a ride with her for over a year now. I tell ya what it ain't easy.

You are doing the best you know how one day at a time Teggie and no one can ask more than that. You know what you need to do for yourself dear heart. The expert on you is; YOU. The healthier you get the healthier your daughters will be. I have found the calmer I am the calmer my g.daughter is. I pick my boundaries with her today and let the rest fall by the wayside, especially since she has her dad wrapped around her little finger. He has custody, but I have the 2 teens while he is at work. But since I have learned to let go, we have fewer battles. I had to decide exactly what kind of a relationship I wanted with her. Keeping the focus on me really helped.
Take care.

Magichappens

Teggie,
You are really handling things. Just think how you would have handled that just a few short months or even weeks ago. You are working the program, using the tools. Trust that you will only get better at handling the challenges life brings you. Remember to give yourself credit for the growth even as you look where you can improve. It is just as hard to inventory our good points as our bad. Give yourself time to be proud of you. Hugs, Magic

Teggie

Thank y'all so much for the inspiration. I really appreciate it. I think that after all the hurt and disruption my kids had to endure while we moved etc I was in a frame of mind that I just wanted them to be happy. But sometimes I see what will make the 12 yr old happy today may very well harm her later. And it's my job as her parant to set limits and adhere to them. She asked me yesterday, "Why can't I go live with my dad? I want to stay with him" I told her that I know thats what she thinks she wants right now but I make the decisions as to what is best for her. I told her I didn't expect her to understand it all but to know that I love her with all my heart and I would die doing whats best for her. She ended up angry with me and smarted off in the classic way teens know so she got grounded from the phone for a week. That was really the icing on the cake, but I have to stand my ground and be firm with it. I just dread it when they go with thier dad now, I know he asks them all kinds of questions about what I am doing and just generally reinforces the anti-mom pro-dad bit. I've tried to talk to him about not doing this, that he's only confusing them and keeping things in chaos. He won't listen and I am again reminded why I divorced him in the first place. Ahhh...went to my alanon meeting today, I really needed it, lol. Guess what the topic was? Serenity vs Chaos, the group leader even printed up several pg numbers to go with the discussion, I'm going to keep that one around. The meeting was very helpful and I feel more focused now and better able to cope.
You are so right Magic, as usual lol, if this had come along 2 monthes ago I would have just fell apart and caved in. I know I am stronger now and I have alanon to thank for that. I also learned something else today, I have to be willing to be willing, I think thats going to be a key to accepting my HP. I already acknowledge there is something out there giving me strength and support. I'm slowly beginning to see it and start to accept that a HP exists for me. Many hugs to all y'all wonderful people!! Love, Teggie

Marcinor

Teggie,

Big big hugs from me! You are stronger! You love your babies and they love you back even when that's not coming out of her mouth.

It's so difficult when someone knows how to push all the right buttons.

You'll make it through this one and the next because you are a strong, loving, kind woman and mother!

Hang in there girlfriend! Let me know what I can do, if anything!

Many hugs from up North!

Marci

Teggie

((((((Marci))))))) thanks!!! I needed that!!!!