Thought I was Jealous, But Maybe I am just relieved
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Thought I was Jealous, But Maybe I am just relieved
In four days, I will be moving. I am very excited to get some distance from my exABF. For seven months, I have lived here, sharing common space, watching him seemingly move on with his life without any repercussions for his lies, selfishness, or alcoholism. For me, I have paid tenfold emotionally and financially.
I wanted to post that I was jealous of him. That he has a new girlfriend and he walks around with a happiness that I cannot feel. But, in all honesty, I guess I am not really jealous. From the outside, it all seems so good for him. I walk outside in the mornings to see the loaded ashtray and the empty glasses lined with remnants of last night's alcohol. I then think about how I was in bed at ten, sober and resting peacefully.
I think about him being with his new girlfriend- the intimacy, the sweetness he can display, and I feel a twinge of jealousy that I cannot even begin to start a real and substantive relationship with another man. But then I think about his new lady and I remember how just a month ago he was trying to bed me again and two weeks later, she has his key and is there all the time. I remember that I am in recovery for my Codi ways and am building that intimate and healthy relationship with myself.
I feel insecure about how much time I spend alone in my house, working or cleaning- choosing to stay in rather than go out and I feel a twinge of jealousy that he is always out and about. But then I remember that wherever he is, there is a drink in hand. Whoever he is with, they have a drink in hand or they aren't that close to him. Then I am thankful that I am not out in the streets running a weary game of drinking and recovering.
So, I guess I am not really jealous after all. Since we broke up, I have begun exercising again, losing weight, and most importantly- not sitting up all night drinking with someone who ultimately will leave me for the same alcohol that exhausts me.
In four days I move on with my life. I move away from these awful reminders that have painfully pushed me towards acceptance of reality and letting go of what I told myself was love. I am not resentful for the experience. If it wasn't for my ex, I might have gone years more in denial about my own issues. So, thank you T! Thank you for making it impossible for me to look away from myself. This has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, but growing pains do hurt! If anyone can relate, I would love to hear from you!
I wanted to post that I was jealous of him. That he has a new girlfriend and he walks around with a happiness that I cannot feel. But, in all honesty, I guess I am not really jealous. From the outside, it all seems so good for him. I walk outside in the mornings to see the loaded ashtray and the empty glasses lined with remnants of last night's alcohol. I then think about how I was in bed at ten, sober and resting peacefully.
I think about him being with his new girlfriend- the intimacy, the sweetness he can display, and I feel a twinge of jealousy that I cannot even begin to start a real and substantive relationship with another man. But then I think about his new lady and I remember how just a month ago he was trying to bed me again and two weeks later, she has his key and is there all the time. I remember that I am in recovery for my Codi ways and am building that intimate and healthy relationship with myself.
I feel insecure about how much time I spend alone in my house, working or cleaning- choosing to stay in rather than go out and I feel a twinge of jealousy that he is always out and about. But then I remember that wherever he is, there is a drink in hand. Whoever he is with, they have a drink in hand or they aren't that close to him. Then I am thankful that I am not out in the streets running a weary game of drinking and recovering.
So, I guess I am not really jealous after all. Since we broke up, I have begun exercising again, losing weight, and most importantly- not sitting up all night drinking with someone who ultimately will leave me for the same alcohol that exhausts me.
In four days I move on with my life. I move away from these awful reminders that have painfully pushed me towards acceptance of reality and letting go of what I told myself was love. I am not resentful for the experience. If it wasn't for my ex, I might have gone years more in denial about my own issues. So, thank you T! Thank you for making it impossible for me to look away from myself. This has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, but growing pains do hurt! If anyone can relate, I would love to hear from you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It sounds like your good sense is winning over your codie tendencies, and that your heart is listening to reason. 
That's a good place to be.
And yeah to your last line there. Someone here uses the acronym AFGO -- Another F-ing Growth Experience... They suck, but they help us grow.
Good luck with the move!!!
That's a good place to be.And yeah to your last line there. Someone here uses the acronym AFGO -- Another F-ing Growth Experience... They suck, but they help us grow.
Good luck with the move!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are walking away from unhappiness and into stability that you are creating for yourself. Don't romanticize his life, he was a mess then and he will be a mess in the future. Difference is, you won't!
Good luck with your move, this is a great step for you!
XXX
Good luck with your move, this is a great step for you!
XXX
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Timeiskey, what a fabulous post!
You have moved so far into health and happiness! You have true perspective on what your life was like with your ex, and you have integrated that into who you are and who you want to be.
What you've done and are doing for yourself is extraordinary: you're leaving an unhealthy path that would only bring you grief and moving on toward many happy experiences in years to come. You are now in the center of your life, and I believe that will let you attract and give to many healthy people in the future.
Well done!!!!!!
ShootingStar1
You have moved so far into health and happiness! You have true perspective on what your life was like with your ex, and you have integrated that into who you are and who you want to be.
What you've done and are doing for yourself is extraordinary: you're leaving an unhealthy path that would only bring you grief and moving on toward many happy experiences in years to come. You are now in the center of your life, and I believe that will let you attract and give to many healthy people in the future.
Well done!!!!!!
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 123
Great job timeisky! It seems like you have great perspective and peace! I too struggled seeing my exabf move on, date, and appear to be happy! But you are so very right.... How much happiness exists in that kind of toxic lifestyle!..... None!
Keep up the focus on you!
Keep up the focus on you!
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