Character Defect Question
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Character Defect Question
Is taking things personally a character defect? Lately when I take things personally I really get angry with myself. I hate that I can't just let it be. I mean eventually I move on but my first reaction...ugh...I just want it to stop.
This could be anything and not even related to my AH. I have been this way as long as I can remember. Totally want to be done with this!
Thanks for listening.
This could be anything and not even related to my AH. I have been this way as long as I can remember. Totally want to be done with this!
Thanks for listening.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I often do that, and to me, it is a sign that my ego is a bit out of whack. Everything ISN'T about me, but it sure sometimes feels like it is.
We all have character defects--none of us is perfect.
So now you've identified something you want to change about yourself--that's a good start!
We all have character defects--none of us is perfect.
So now you've identified something you want to change about yourself--that's a good start!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by zoso77 
KTT...
Give me an example of what you take personally.
Give me an example of what you take personally.
That really hurt my feelings. To me she was missing the point. I wanted to be there and so did my oldest. She didn't care when we Skyped but I did.
I worked thru what I think was me being selfish and we did Skype after the shower. Even showed us all her goodies and we had a nice visit.
I feel like I wasted so much energy feeling sorry for myself not being able to be there. It was frustrating.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I often do that, and to me, it is a sign that my ego is a bit out of whack. Everything ISN'T about me, but it sure sometimes feels like it is.
We all have character defects--none of us is perfect.
So now you've identified something you want to change about yourself--that's a good start!
We all have character defects--none of us is perfect.
So now you've identified something you want to change about yourself--that's a good start!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Oh no.... I think I can relate. I often feel "too sensitive", and many people ha e told me that. BUT I also tend to think that that is because I have surrounded myself with narcissists and people who expect me to take blame and shoe guilt when their actions really had nothing to do with me. At any rate, I feel more expendible than I should.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Well, I think "character defect" is an overly harsh, critical term.
In the situation that you described above, you have to take into consideration what other people are comfortable doing. Just because your Godchild wasn't comfortable does not mean she was intentionally trying to injure you. It just means she wasn't comfortable. And that's OK.
Sometimes our wise mind needs to take over. Not everyone in this world is out to get us, you know.
Everyone has their own ideas, thoughts, and preferences. And you were still able to Skype after the shower, which I'm sure both of you enjoyed.
So, take it easy on yourself. You don't have a character defect. You're sensitive. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that so long as your wise mind takes over when an uncomfortable situation arises.
Does this help?
In the situation that you described above, you have to take into consideration what other people are comfortable doing. Just because your Godchild wasn't comfortable does not mean she was intentionally trying to injure you. It just means she wasn't comfortable. And that's OK.
Sometimes our wise mind needs to take over. Not everyone in this world is out to get us, you know.
Everyone has their own ideas, thoughts, and preferences. And you were still able to Skype after the shower, which I'm sure both of you enjoyed.So, take it easy on yourself. You don't have a character defect. You're sensitive. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that so long as your wise mind takes over when an uncomfortable situation arises.
Does this help?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It was probably a matter of her not feeling comfortable with the technology at the event. Not everyone is--I wouldn't care to be Skyping with someone during a party--even someone I love very much. I would just find the technology distracting, and I would be afraid it might look to my other guests like I'm not giving them my attention.
Just a different perspective, that's all. I'm sure she would have been thrilled to have had you there, and I'm sure she enjoyed sharing about the party with you afterwards.
Etiquette and social practice haven't yet caught up with technology.
Maybe what really upset you was that you couldn't control this event to accommodate what you wanted? Just another possibility to consider.
Just a different perspective, that's all. I'm sure she would have been thrilled to have had you there, and I'm sure she enjoyed sharing about the party with you afterwards.
Etiquette and social practice haven't yet caught up with technology.
Maybe what really upset you was that you couldn't control this event to accommodate what you wanted? Just another possibility to consider.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
HMA...I work in an environment that some feel they can hammer on me all day. I hammer right back...won't be anyone's door mat. But the little girl in me wants to throw a temper tantrum and run off. And you can bet I take it personal sometimes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by zoso77
Well, I think "character defect" is an overly harsh, critical term.
In the situation that you described above, you have to take into consideration what other people are comfortable doing. Just because your Godchild wasn't comfortable does not mean she was intentionally trying to injure you. It just means she wasn't comfortable. And that's OK.
Sometimes our wise mind needs to take over. Not everyone in this world is out to get us, you know. Everyone has their own ideas, thoughts, and preferences. And you were still able to Skype after the shower, which I'm sure both of you enjoyed.
So, take it easy on yourself. You don't have a character defect. You're sensitive. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that so long as your wise mind takes over when an uncomfortable situation arises.
Does this help?
In the situation that you described above, you have to take into consideration what other people are comfortable doing. Just because your Godchild wasn't comfortable does not mean she was intentionally trying to injure you. It just means she wasn't comfortable. And that's OK.
Sometimes our wise mind needs to take over. Not everyone in this world is out to get us, you know.
Everyone has their own ideas, thoughts, and preferences. And you were still able to Skype after the shower, which I'm sure both of you enjoyed.So, take it easy on yourself. You don't have a character defect. You're sensitive. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that so long as your wise mind takes over when an uncomfortable situation arises.
Does this help?
I told myself similar words and that helped me a bit, but I really need to work on this poor pitiful me thing...I am starting to irritate myself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by LexieCat
It was probably a matter of her not feeling comfortable with the technology at the event. Not everyone is--I wouldn't care to be Skyping with someone during a party--even someone I love very much. I would just find the technology distracting, and I would be afraid it might look to my other guests like I'm not giving them my attention.
Just a different perspective, that's all. I'm sure she would have been thrilled to have had you there, and I'm sure she enjoyed sharing about the party with you afterwards.
Etiquette and social practice haven't yet caught up with technology.
Maybe what really upset you was that you couldn't control this event to accommodate what you wanted? Just another possibility to consider.
Just a different perspective, that's all. I'm sure she would have been thrilled to have had you there, and I'm sure she enjoyed sharing about the party with you afterwards.
Etiquette and social practice haven't yet caught up with technology.
Maybe what really upset you was that you couldn't control this event to accommodate what you wanted? Just another possibility to consider.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
As far as the Character Defect level stuff.
Where we say on Step 6 "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
That is really the outcome of Steps 4 and 5.
If you have not done those, yet -- it may not really be time (yet) to start worrying about character defects, as you say.
Step 4 tends to be rather intense, and a place many folks (on both sides) would not care to go. Especially alone. You see folks on here and the real world go to ALL sorts of effort and mis-direction to evade and avoid that. Me, too . . . for a too long time. Me, too. And that is why by the time you hit Step 5, it REQUIRES you have another person involved. (but it tends to make more sense to have that right upfront in Step 4 or before). That is where the Sponsor stuff comes in.
And the discovery process is sort of like a Studying a Shadow. Or a whole bunch of Shadows all mapped together. How your fears, wants . . . a whole range of emotions and behaviors cause you to do the things you do and be the person you are. The ones that harm you, or harm others -- those tend to be the defects.
But if you were that deep into this . . . you would probably already know this. If you are really ready to get clean and be clean . . . I would encourage you to GET STARTED. The Steps are very patient. They are ready when YOU are.
Where we say on Step 6 "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
That is really the outcome of Steps 4 and 5.
If you have not done those, yet -- it may not really be time (yet) to start worrying about character defects, as you say.
Step 4 tends to be rather intense, and a place many folks (on both sides) would not care to go. Especially alone. You see folks on here and the real world go to ALL sorts of effort and mis-direction to evade and avoid that. Me, too . . . for a too long time. Me, too. And that is why by the time you hit Step 5, it REQUIRES you have another person involved. (but it tends to make more sense to have that right upfront in Step 4 or before). That is where the Sponsor stuff comes in.
And the discovery process is sort of like a Studying a Shadow. Or a whole bunch of Shadows all mapped together. How your fears, wants . . . a whole range of emotions and behaviors cause you to do the things you do and be the person you are. The ones that harm you, or harm others -- those tend to be the defects.
But if you were that deep into this . . . you would probably already know this. If you are really ready to get clean and be clean . . . I would encourage you to GET STARTED.
The Steps are very patient. They are ready when YOU are.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
Yes it can be I suppose......
QUOTE=knowthetriggers;5159061]Is taking things personally a character defect? Lately when I take things personally I really get angry with myself. I hate that I can't just let it be. I mean eventually I move on but my first reaction...ugh...I just want it to stop.
This could be anything and not even related to my AH. I have been this way as long as I can remember. Totally want to be done with this!
Thanks for listening.[/QUOTE]
Yes it can be I suppose......
QUOTE=knowthetriggers;5159061]Is taking things personally a character defect? Lately when I take things personally I really get angry with myself. I hate that I can't just let it be. I mean eventually I move on but my first reaction...ugh...I just want it to stop.
This could be anything and not even related to my AH. I have been this way as long as I can remember. Totally want to be done with this!
Thanks for listening.[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The way to deal with character defects is by doing the 12 Steps. It's a process that takes time but it's amazing what we can change in ourselves. The big thing is you're aware of what you're doing, the basis of why you feel as you do. Alanon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
The way to deal with character defects is by doing the 12 Steps. It's a process that takes time but it's amazing what we can change in ourselves. The big thing is you're aware of what you're doing, the basis of why you feel as you do. Alanon?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by knowthetriggers
Yes I was in Alanon for three years...had a sponsor and worked on steps 1 thru 3. Was in the process of step 4 when we moved. Almost 10 years later I feel like it is worth it to just start over with all the steps.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by knowthetriggers
Yes I was in Alanon for three years...had a sponsor and worked on steps 1 thru 3. Was in the process of step 4 when we moved. Almost 10 years later I feel like it is worth it to just start over with all the steps.
But like you, I discovered along the way that was not the best plan, so I was back in Alanon about 1/2 day after we became "homeless."
God will get your attention when it is due. Might as well go get it done.
My experience is that folks who do not have a Problem with God do not have a Problem with Steps 1, 2, 3. Fall like dominoes. Do them, get them done, and get where you need to be.
Good that you understand upfront so well where you are heading.
Bon Voyage.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
