looking4zen

After lurking and reading this site for over a week, I finally signed up. Everything I've read has been so helpful, thank you all for your stories.

My ABF (or ex, I should say) has been sober since January 5th. He started going to meetings and has been going to five a week, and he got a sponsor. I am very proud of him for that.

I began contemplating going to al-anon back in October, after a particularly bad stretch with him. But, I didn't. November and December were horrible. I broke up with him right before Thanksgiving, then allowed myself to get dragged back in. Things were good for a short time, then they went to hell again right before Christmas. I broke up with him again, which lasted all of about 10 days. The promises, the sweetness, the hope brought me back again.

He decided all on his own to start going to meetings. So I decided that if he could do it, I could do it, too. I started al-anon a couple of weeks ago. I got a sponsor this week.

Over the last couple of weeks, he was definitely having mood swings and irritability. Everything I've heard from other al-anon members and on this site told me that that was to be expected. However, he told me Tuesday he "couldn't do this anymore" and essentially broke up with me. He said he didn't like feeling the way he was feeling, and that he was constantly afraid of saying something sh---y to me and being an a-hole. He said he still wants to be friends, and he didn't want me to take my stuff from his house. WTF does that even mean?! "I wanna break up, I need some space, but leave your stuff here because I want you to have a reason to come back over." That is seriously messing with my head.

We have exchanged a couple of texts and emails since then, but that's it. Part of me knows I should be grateful, but I'm also ticked off. Why didn't he just let me go when I tried to leave him before? Come to think of it, the last several months have been nothing but pushing and pulling. He would be a jerk, push me away, I would stay away, he would pull me back in and we would be on fire for about a week, then he would slowly disappear again. Is that what he's doing this time?

It's exhausting. I'm going to meetings and talking to my sponsor every night and trying VERY HARD not to allow him to consume my thoughts. I fear he did this so he could relapse, free and clear of me, but that's his problem. It's just so hard to believe I allowed myself to get sucked in to such a toxic relationship.

Chantal88

Addicts often fade in and out of people's lives, it's part of the addiction.

It's not personal. He's not doing this to torture you - he's doing this because he is sick and has lost control.

I would recommend reading up on alcohol addiction and then deciding what to do from there. If you decide to keep him as part of your life then you have a long road ahead.

If you decide to break it off for good, then you can start the process of grieving and moving on.

Jodie77

I'm so sorry. I'm going through the SAME thing and pretty much fried from it all. My brain and emotions are toast but you are in the right place. SR is literally saving my sanity and life. You'll get some great advice following shortly. In the meantime, I am sending you hugs. I understand.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR! Bumping your post to the top.

I think going to Al Anon is a great thing for you.

As for your qualifier - he doesn't know what he wants with your relationship. Personally I'd remove your belongings from his place. I think you should make a boundary no serious stuff with this fellow until he's sober a year. Protect yourself with time and space. But that is just my opinion.

atalose

And that's usually what all our anger is mostly about. That we allowed the push/pull. That we allowed ourselves to get sucked back in with some sweet words and a little affection.

At this point it's not really about him or what he's said or done, it's about you and how you proceed from here.

I mean, he's doing what addicts do. Your part is figuring out why you kept going back to the toxic relationship. Al-anon is a good place to help you on your road of self discovery.

chantylc

I am too experiencing the same situation as you are. I'm angry, sad and hurt but SR is making things a little better. Let's get through this.

Recovering2

He's doing what A's do. Period. Of course he wants you to keep your stuff there, keep one foot in the door. But honestly, he's not doing this to you. YOU make the decision to allow this behavior. He is 17 days sober.....really really really early. I'm glad you're going to AlAnon. You will learn and grow from the shares in those rooms. You will figure out what is acceptable to you. If you don't want to be in a push me pull me situation, then you will learn to set boundaries.

Soberintexas007

Seems like too much drama. It is always easier to end a relationship sooner rather than later.

looking4zen

It IS too much drama. We started seeing each other in March of last year, and the drama started in April. First it was drama with someone he used to date, then it was drama with his ex-wife (that pretty much occurred throughout our entire relationship). All of this drama coincided with drinking binges that would last anywhere from a day to three or four. It became a cycle that I recognized after about 6 months. I could predict what was coming next. The high, happy period; fight with his ex, then the tumble down, then the binge, then slowly back up again. And around and around we go.

Most days I would hear from him first thing in the morning. Then it would gradually become later. Then some days not at all until late in the afternoon. And I would let that behavior affect MY day. I would be so distracted at work, watching my phone, being easily irritated. I know I wasn't pleasant to be around.

Four days out, and instead of being all sad and mopey, I'm feeling more and more relieved. Maybe that's because after the on/off nonsense since Thanksgiving, I never invested myself 100% again after we got back together. In the back of my mind, I knew what was going to happen.

Hawkeye13

Get your stuff. Sounds like you are getting clear about that.

Relationships, especially early on, should be about fun and discovery and not drama
You deserve better

Jupiters

hawkeye - so true.
That is way too much drama and BS for such early days. I'd run. Fast.

looking4zen

I am leaving town tomorrow and will get home Wednesday. I'm going to wait until I get back to deal with getting my stuff back. None of it is anything I can't live without, and I don't want a cloud caused by having to interact with him to hang over my trip.