Soberintexas007

Feeling a bit relieved tonight. I had been keeping it a secret that my AH went back to drinking from everyone. However, it soon became important that people close to both of us knew this information because the fact that he has gone back to drinking changes a lot of things. Anyways, to make a long story short, I feel that these people can now understand where I am coming from more because of this updated information.

Katchie

Wow...so proud of you. That had to be very hard to do. I've struggled with whether I should or shouldn't let my inlaws know about my AH's addiction. They still do not know.
I'm happy you have some relief tonight because of it and hope you sleep well tonight.

chronsweet

I used to tell on my xABF to his mom. It never helped. My mom cared because she didn't like seeing me hurt. But she gave up and just basically said I was going to do what I was going to do, and when I left, it'd have to be when I was ready.

Whenever I told his mom that he never stopped drinking (after he told her he hadn't), I'd get backlash. Just tonight I was talking to her about my DS5. I think she feels like with my decision to cut everything off that I will somehow not let her see her only grand kid.

She is paying his rent ($1000.00/month) and making excuses as always. I just don't play into them anymore. She actually said, 'maybe when he grows up, in 2 or 3 years, you guys can get back together,' or something to that effect. I simply said, our lives are forked now but we can all get along for DS5.

My point is don't expect that letting his side of the family know about the problem will help anything. In my experience, they all just resent me for it. His dad, brother, mother, aunts, everyone who knows how he is still thinks some miracle is going to fall from the sky and he's going to 'see the light,' and become or make something of himself.

He gets so wasted he wakes up and pees in places one wouldn't think of. He is paranoid and projects lies he makes up about me in his head onto others. He hasn't paid his own rent in 7 years, has been arrested multiple times. He tried getting a job recently and had 13 pages of records for a background check. He gets fired from jobs. He mooches. He is 35 years old and his FOO still holds onto the flame of hope. The reality is right there staring them in the face, but, they turn their heads and fan the flames onto me.

This is what I have come to know as my own truth: The only person I can change is me. I am in charge of my own destiny. It was just as much my fault for being miserable for so long as it was his for putting that pressure on my life, if not more. I could have walked away any time. Informing his family of his illness may even put more pressure on you and make it harder to leave out of guilt, it did for me.

I found talking to my own mom and my own friends that were separate from him and whom he had no contact with was good for me. I needed to get validation and advice. And even the people who loved me got tired of hearing about something that was so clear to them but so impossible for me to see. My mom said to me, 'if you'd like for someone to mooch on you and hit you over the head with a brick everyday, we can arrange that for you.'

CodeJob

It is a difficult decision, but I have always been open and truthful about H's A.

It is not a popular message to hear - that your 'baby' or baby brother is an addict.

If there was a next time I had to deal with a relapse, I would not notify the in laws. He would just be excised from my life. During our recent Trip home from the holidays I was told a lot of stupid things about drinking and it was beyond clear his clan remains uneducated about addiction and recovery.

I pray all the grandkids and cousins remain free of addiction.

FireSprite

Good Job!

Santa

Good for you for opening up to your parents especially. That's healthy. I think it's important not to hide the alcoholic's secrets for him. That was toxic for me (and my kids) for many years as I tried to keep everything looking normal on the surface.

Telling the in-laws is a judgment call. I told my late MIL, who was very close with our children and who was herself married to an alcoholic for more than 20 years. She was as supportive as she was able to be, given the topic was her son.

spedteach

Good job! When my AH went back to drinking, I was very careful with whom I told. In the past, I confided to his parents and it ended up backfiring on me in a big way. And my AH to this day still holds a grudge that I went to his parents.
This time, I told only the close people I knew who would be supportive of ME and my child. My AH did go back into recovery and I still have not said a word to either of his parents. For me, it has been easier to not say a word to them because they'd be confrontational with him or blame me...so it's just better I didn't.

Again, way to open up and know that keeping it a secret wouldn't help you!

atalose

We are only as sick as our secrets........

Glad you found the courage and strength to share yours. It is a relief to share it especially with those who can offer you love and support.

NerdlyBeauty

spedteach, i went through the same thing with my AXBF, with whom I share a 6 year old son. His family blames me for his drinking (even though he has been doing it since he was 14), and my parents blame me for trying to make it work the few times he was in recovery. My son and I actually ended up living with my parents for awhile to escape my AXBF, my son's father. But that didn't last long. They kicked us out a few times because they don't agree with my parenting. They were both pretty abusive to me when I was growing up, but never admit it. In fact, my son told his teacher that his grandfather, my father, hit him, then I saw it happen. My father said to me "Do you have a problem with that?". Well, yes dad...I effing kind of do. Then his school got involved, which I'm actually pretty happy about because they have been VERY supportive. I never told my Dad, though, and I asked the school to keep social services out of it. I would have to deal with the repercussions

My AXBF was also very emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive towards me. So really, I have no support whatsoever. It's making me pretty bitter towards everyone I know. Luckily, my son and I are on our own now. I really feel that people that react that way know the truth, but just don't want to deal. This is why I'm so grateful to have found SR

Soberintexas007

Informing my MIL of my husband's relapse ended up having a good result. She was able to empathize with my situation and understand my reasoning behind making the current choices that I do. For example, if I choose not to go to a family function, she now understands it is not because I am a mean and selfish DIL, but that it is because I am getting tired and exhausted of dealing with my AH. Even though ultimately I should not care about what others think of me, this does make my life a little easier and less stressful.

hopeful4

JB...I remember when I opened up about it. It gave me more people in my support circle and gave validation to my feelings and actions that I needed for myself.

Good for you!

davenport

I think that alcoholics do enough damage to a relationship with lies and denial that keeping their drinking a secret from friends and family that might offer help and support if they knew is pointless and painful. I think you should be proud of yourself for speaking your truth. I know it isn't easy.

PinkCloudsCharley

Exactly.

I hid H's drinking for 10 years. Now that everything hit the fan, and he's working on his recovery, he's being very open with people and at first it made me feel vulnerable and scared. Now I realize it's actually the opposite - by keeping secrets, his addiction was allowed to flourish. Now in the open, there are no shadows to hide behind.

When I started telling people (and I still choose those people carefully) I have found a plethora of support. There are a lot of people with skeletons in their closets.

Good for you, JB. You speak your truth.