Need advice for newcomer
Wu Wei
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: So. California, USA
Posts: 351
Need advice for newcomer
I am new to Al Anon and what I don't get is how do I stay married to someone who continues to use drugs and alcohol on a daily basis. It desperately effects my life with her. I cannot be intimate with her. I cannot deal with her anger etc. Yes I am working on my own recovery of 2 1/2 years but living with a checked-out person makes it very hard. I am 64 and its too late to start over but I dont want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is not really present in our relationship, know what I mean? Am I to live in the same house as some sort of detached beings or some such thing? I need practical help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi there.. I know it's frustrating so big hugs to you!
Since you're new to alanon, maybe give it a little time to apply what you learn and see if a difference is made in how you feel living with your A. Sometimes it's just not possible to live with our A, but this is a decision you'll have to make. Are you or have you made boundaries? How are you doing with them?
Since you're new, please check out the stickies at the top of this forum...they have been such a blessing of information to me and I know they will be for you too.
Since you're new to alanon, maybe give it a little time to apply what you learn and see if a difference is made in how you feel living with your A. Sometimes it's just not possible to live with our A, but this is a decision you'll have to make. Are you or have you made boundaries? How are you doing with them?
Since you're new, please check out the stickies at the top of this forum...they have been such a blessing of information to me and I know they will be for you too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Did you ever consider that you are living with an emotionally detached person with anger issues?
I think at 64 you need to have some peace in your life. Perhaps with your wife, perhaps not. What do you see for your future life. Envision that, then go for it.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I think at 64 you need to have some peace in your life. Perhaps with your wife, perhaps not. What do you see for your future life. Envision that, then go for it.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by EternalNow 
I am 64 and its too late to start over
As you mentioned, you're new in Alanon. The advice I received when I was new was not to make any major decisions regarding my marriage for a year at least. At the time, I thought "what's going to change in a year? Why wait?". At the end of a year, I was amazed at how much had changed--with ME, not so much w/my A.
Now, almost 2 years later, I've filed for divorce after all. I am rock solid in this decision (altho I do of course have sadness, regrets, and occasional doubts). What I've learned on SR and in Alanon has gotten me to that point.
You are by no means bound to stay w/your A, just as you are by no means bound to leave her. Take your time, do some healing, do some learning, and you'll see the answer clearly when you're ready. (I know, I thought that was a BS answer, too, when people said it to me, but it turned out to be true, like so much else that I didn't like when I first heard it...).
And I'm 54.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
you could choose to get involved in what interests you enough to garner friendships and steady time committed away from home Eternal. This gives both of you space. You will use the space to recover you and your partner might use the space to not recover.
In time, you'll know if you just want to leave or you'll find you take what you like from your partner and you are ok to make the best of it.
Peace to you!
In time, you'll know if you just want to leave or you'll find you take what you like from your partner and you are ok to make the best of it.
Peace to you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Eternal, I know for a FACT 64 is not too old to start over. My Aunt is 67, and I put her on that dating site ourtime.com, and she met the man of her dreams. Not saying you should do anything like that, just saying 64 is the new 44 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
One of the most adorable couples I've ever met were married at age 78 and 81. It's never too late.
And I also tend to think that no matter whether you have 50 or 5 years left on this earth, you deserve to live them free of the effects of other people's addictions and other bad choices.
But like Honeypig said -- you don't have to make all the decisions today. Al-Anon will help you find ways to coexist with an addict, if you choose to stay, and also help you figure out what you really want. I spent four years in Al-Anon before I made the decision to leave. Many of my Al-Anon friends are still married to their alcoholics.
And I also tend to think that no matter whether you have 50 or 5 years left on this earth, you deserve to live them free of the effects of other people's addictions and other bad choices.
But like Honeypig said -- you don't have to make all the decisions today. Al-Anon will help you find ways to coexist with an addict, if you choose to stay, and also help you figure out what you really want. I spent four years in Al-Anon before I made the decision to leave. Many of my Al-Anon friends are still married to their alcoholics.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
EternalNow....you have the absolute right and responsibility to decide what you want to live with or not. You decide how you want your life to be.
You sound like you might be getting close to the end of your tether....?
dandylion
***detachment is simply ONE tool that can buy you some breathing space from the entanglement.... It is j ust one tool. One cannot build a whole house with just a hammer.
You sound like you might be getting close to the end of your tether....?
dandylion
***detachment is simply ONE tool that can buy you some breathing space from the entanglement.... It is j ust one tool. One cannot build a whole house with just a hammer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
" I am 64 and its too late to start over...."
Welp, ya got some god input so far and this is the one thing that caught me. And for 2 reasons:
It seems that with this attitude, you might be trapped for the rest of your life.
On the recovering alcoholic side, I Have seen and know quite a few people 60 plus end up in the rooms of AA, wrecked and with nothing and build a pretty nice life for themselves.
Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal.
Nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.
Thomas Jefferson
Welp, ya got some god input so far and this is the one thing that caught me. And for 2 reasons:
It seems that with this attitude, you might be trapped for the rest of your life.
On the recovering alcoholic side, I Have seen and know quite a few people 60 plus end up in the rooms of AA, wrecked and with nothing and build a pretty nice life for themselves.
Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal.
Nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.
Thomas Jefferson
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
This may look a bit overwhelming, but I did a search on posts that have "detach" in the title -- see if you can find any good information here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=5928705
Detachment, as I understand it, on a very basic level means knowing where the boundaries are between you and other people.
Knowing that just because your spouse is angry doesn't mean you have to be angry with them, or even react to their anger. Knowing that if they choose to drink, you don't have to try to stop them, drink with them, or even react to their drinking -- you can simply go play bridge with your friends and leave them home to get drunk alone. Knowing that their drinking, their choices, their emotions are theirs to take responsibility for -- not yours.
I'm sure someone will come by with a better definition and explanation (Al-Anon also teaches detachment well), but that's a start at least...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=5928705
Detachment, as I understand it, on a very basic level means knowing where the boundaries are between you and other people.
Knowing that just because your spouse is angry doesn't mean you have to be angry with them, or even react to their anger. Knowing that if they choose to drink, you don't have to try to stop them, drink with them, or even react to their drinking -- you can simply go play bridge with your friends and leave them home to get drunk alone. Knowing that their drinking, their choices, their emotions are theirs to take responsibility for -- not yours.
I'm sure someone will come by with a better definition and explanation (Al-Anon also teaches detachment well), but that's a start at least...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
EN- Welcome to SR. This is a wonderful informative forum. Yes you will grow in the next new few days, weeks and maybe even years.
When living with an active alcoholic, we all deal with it as best as we know how. So when Alanon suggests not to make any major changes, they feel you will grow in that 6 months and your life will not be the same. They don't want you to regret something in the anger you are feeling when you walk in their doors. These are all suggestions, you can take what you want and leave the rest.
keep reading, try and visit an open AA meeting in your area. There is so much help out there if you keep your ears and heart open.
(((((((((hugs my friend))))))))))))
When living with an active alcoholic, we all deal with it as best as we know how. So when Alanon suggests not to make any major changes, they feel you will grow in that 6 months and your life will not be the same. They don't want you to regret something in the anger you are feeling when you walk in their doors. These are all suggestions, you can take what you want and leave the rest.
keep reading, try and visit an open AA meeting in your area. There is so much help out there if you keep your ears and heart open.
(((((((((hugs my friend))))))))))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Eternal...like lillamy said...learning to recognize where the boundaries are between yourself and another person is a big part of the concept.
I think of it as sort of "keeping a safe distance" so as not to get sucked in or abused by another persons issues (crap).
This has lots of advantages. For instance, it can save you from engaging in stupid and pointless arguments. It can save you from verbal abuse. It can give you much needed breathing space to sort your own self out....and give y ou time to think.
Detaching can be mental or also physical in nature.
Example of mental: When she is spewing vile toward you. Just picture her as a duck "quacking away. Don't engage with her---just ignore it for what it is...just quacking.
Example of physical:If she is drinking and being a pain in the but...you can go to the other room. Or, leave the area...go to the library or a walk. Or, maybe, check into a hotel for the night.....Just remove yourself.
Another example...never, NEVER waste your breath on someone who is drunk. It is exhausting and a total waste of your time.
Detaching can be a little bit or a whole lot. There is a lot to learn on this....and, I know that a lot of others will be adding to this.
A book that explains it pretty well is "Co-dependent No More". You will hear that book mentioned a lot, around here. I really advise you to read it, if you haven't, already.
Hang around....there is lots to learn....
dandylion
I think of it as sort of "keeping a safe distance" so as not to get sucked in or abused by another persons issues (crap).
This has lots of advantages. For instance, it can save you from engaging in stupid and pointless arguments. It can save you from verbal abuse. It can give you much needed breathing space to sort your own self out....and give y ou time to think.
Detaching can be mental or also physical in nature.
Example of mental: When she is spewing vile toward you. Just picture her as a duck "quacking away. Don't engage with her---just ignore it for what it is...just quacking.
Example of physical:If she is drinking and being a pain in the but...you can go to the other room. Or, leave the area...go to the library or a walk. Or, maybe, check into a hotel for the night.....Just remove yourself.
Another example...never, NEVER waste your breath on someone who is drunk. It is exhausting and a total waste of your time.
Detaching can be a little bit or a whole lot. There is a lot to learn on this....and, I know that a lot of others will be adding to this.
A book that explains it pretty well is "Co-dependent No More". You will hear that book mentioned a lot, around here. I really advise you to read it, if you haven't, already.
Hang around....there is lots to learn....
dandylion
Wu Wei
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: So. California, USA
Posts: 351
Thank you to all who took the time to respond to my initial questions. I appreciate the effort to help. But more importantly I appreciate the care and concern expressed. This is not an easy problem to work through but I am going to keep my own recovery first and give it tiime. I am going to start going to what is called "Bridge" meetings which I think are meetings of AA and AL Anon in one meeting. We will see what will come.
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