Conversation with RAH
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Conversation with RAH
Out of respect for him, I will now start referring to him as RAH instead of AH. 
Ok so....I let myself get really vulnerable last night. I'm going to fill you guys in on a major issue in our marriage. And I really hope that you guys will see me for what I am on this issue.
This is hard to explain and I feel vulnerable saying this, so please bear with me. My ex sunk his claws into my life when I was 13 years old...a few months off from 14. He had everything my heart was craving at the time...including food. But he told me I was pretty and hugged, snuggled, and all that. I never had anyone tell me those things about me or that I was worth anything.
The ex always wanted sex. This is probably TMI, but just so you all know the severity of it...when I was 14 he took me out to the field and tried to force anal..even though I begged him to stop. He pointed out strippers from the bars when we were in town and told me that is what he wanted me to be like. He would make me show my body parts to his friends. He would force threesomes...I was only 16-17 years old at the time. Then he would leave me for months on end to go be with strippers and do drugs and all that.
.....this is the hard part....I *thought* that I needed to be like that in order for him to love me, so I did all the things he would ask of me and pretend that I liked it so that he would "love" me....
When I finally found the courage to leave him for good, I thought the two years that I spent by myself really healed me. When I found my RAH, I felt really insecure about ME. I started telling him about my sexual past because I wanted him to know that I was down for whatever in order to keep him in my life (very sick, I know...actually I didn't KNOW until I started therapy last year). RAH would tell me that he didn't want to hear about it and I thought that maybe it wasn't good enough for him. I thought he needed more info...so I told him stories. He legitimately asked me to stop.
Here is what I found out about myself.....I really felt scared that RAH was going to leave me. that I had NOTHING more than sex and fantasy sex to offer. I felt there was nothing more of me than that....(tears are coming now..and this is tough to admit to my SR friends). Mom used to tell me I was nothing more than a wh0re...ex WANTED me to be a wh0re, so I must be one then and that must be the ONLY thing that means anything to men. That was what I thought.
RAH has spent years asking me why I hurt him like that. Why I wouldn't stop telling him when he asked me to. And he said I did it on purpose..JUST to hurt him. I never had an answer for him. I didn't KNOW why I did it. I just had no idea. Until I realized just last week during therapy that I DID know why. I thought I was a total POS......
It's been a subject of huge resentment from my RAH, and I believe rightfully so.
So last night I got really vulnerable with him and I said "like it or not, this is me. This is where I came from and this is who I am....this is why I did it." I told him I WANTED him to know..he did not ask me or prompt me. I told him I did not want him to think that I was using my past as an EXCUSE for hurting him, but I needed him to know where I came from. I told him I was scared to tell him because I felt like he may throw it in my face later down the road.
Anyway, I spilled my guts. I told him about the ex forcing me into the shower at 3 am to "wash my filthy body", pulling me out of the shower and forcing me to perform acts on him, and then me waking up in the morning to find that every wall in my house had "wh0re" spray painted in red. I spilled it all.
I felt like I needed him to know that I WAS sorry for my inappropriate behavior, but that I couldn't live a life of being abused anymore. I have had too much of it.
That's when he said, "you didn't and don't deserve the abuse I gave you. I have been really abusive to a lot of women in my life even when I was sober." He said that his mother used to ask his girlfriends how his son was in the sack and if he was well enough endowed for them. He listened to how his mom would brag about cheating on her boyfriends and a lot of other stuff. But he said that he is very insecure about whether or not he is good enough (in everyway) for me. He said that he does not want to have our pasts define us anymore. He said he knew it was going to be a rough road, but that he really wanted to try to be the husband and father that his family deserves. Not just for us but for him.
He told me that he understands that he has a problem with women and that he wants to deal with the BS from his childhood and try to live a happy, sober life.
He told me he get so angry at my mom for how she treated me and that he was so sorry about what the ex did to me. He thanked me for sharing that with him and he said, "I want to be a spot in our lives where you don't get scared that I will throw it back in your face. You didn't deserve that and it wasn't your fault."
.......sooooo....pick your jaws up off the floor at the insane story of my past and how it effected my behavior please..
I hope you all won't judge me...I get really scared to share this part of my past because I was in denial about it for so long. Up until about six months ago freetosmile was never REALLY sexually abused...I was just put in some difficult situations. HA
I NEEDED to be accountable for my behavior to my husband. I really NEEDED that, regardless of whether we stay together or not. It was really bothering me that MY actions had really hurt someone else and I couldn't even tell someone WHY I did it until I came to terms with all the years of sexual abuse.....
So,......I feel better about MYSELF. What RAH does with it is not my problem as long as he's not throwing it in my face.
I feel comfortable about the current path. He is working his program, he quickly apologized for his outburst in the car and made amends. He asked me about going to alanon and me going to AA in a very loving and tender way...BUT I think we should NOT do that just yet. A lot of the couples I see in alanon have YEARS and YEARS of recovery under their belt. So I think we should go alone until we have a better handle on things.
I know it is a honeymoon period right now. I know he may throw this crap back in my face, I know things can go south super super quick. But for me, it was NICE to hear the kind words. I'll take them. It was NICE to hold myself accountable and admit fault...even if he doesn't want to accept it..I know I DID THE RIGHT THING.
Oh you guys...I hope you don't get disgusted by me now.....but I'm finally admitting the severity of what I came from and that has been eye-opening at understanding my codependency.
So I don't know what is going to happen. I won't tolerate abuse anymore and I made that VERY clear to him last night. He made it clear that he doesn't want to abuse anymore. Whether or not he sticks with that...well...I just can't COUNT on that. But I think I did a good thing for ME last night. And I will hope and pray that he meant what he said, but I will prepare to have that thrown back at me and I will prepare for abuse and I will prepare for relapse....I just don't want to NOT have *any* optimism. I'm not doing myself any good by just expecting him to fail. I will prepare for failure, everything I did last night, I did for ME. My own accountablity. My own peace with the past....
Love you guys. Thanks for listening
Ok so....I let myself get really vulnerable last night. I'm going to fill you guys in on a major issue in our marriage. And I really hope that you guys will see me for what I am on this issue.
This is hard to explain and I feel vulnerable saying this, so please bear with me. My ex sunk his claws into my life when I was 13 years old...a few months off from 14. He had everything my heart was craving at the time...including food. But he told me I was pretty and hugged, snuggled, and all that. I never had anyone tell me those things about me or that I was worth anything.
The ex always wanted sex. This is probably TMI, but just so you all know the severity of it...when I was 14 he took me out to the field and tried to force anal..even though I begged him to stop. He pointed out strippers from the bars when we were in town and told me that is what he wanted me to be like. He would make me show my body parts to his friends. He would force threesomes...I was only 16-17 years old at the time. Then he would leave me for months on end to go be with strippers and do drugs and all that.
.....this is the hard part....I *thought* that I needed to be like that in order for him to love me, so I did all the things he would ask of me and pretend that I liked it so that he would "love" me....
When I finally found the courage to leave him for good, I thought the two years that I spent by myself really healed me. When I found my RAH, I felt really insecure about ME. I started telling him about my sexual past because I wanted him to know that I was down for whatever in order to keep him in my life (very sick, I know...actually I didn't KNOW until I started therapy last year). RAH would tell me that he didn't want to hear about it and I thought that maybe it wasn't good enough for him. I thought he needed more info...so I told him stories. He legitimately asked me to stop.
Here is what I found out about myself.....I really felt scared that RAH was going to leave me. that I had NOTHING more than sex and fantasy sex to offer. I felt there was nothing more of me than that....(tears are coming now..and this is tough to admit to my SR friends). Mom used to tell me I was nothing more than a wh0re...ex WANTED me to be a wh0re, so I must be one then and that must be the ONLY thing that means anything to men. That was what I thought.
RAH has spent years asking me why I hurt him like that. Why I wouldn't stop telling him when he asked me to. And he said I did it on purpose..JUST to hurt him. I never had an answer for him. I didn't KNOW why I did it. I just had no idea. Until I realized just last week during therapy that I DID know why. I thought I was a total POS......
It's been a subject of huge resentment from my RAH, and I believe rightfully so.
So last night I got really vulnerable with him and I said "like it or not, this is me. This is where I came from and this is who I am....this is why I did it." I told him I WANTED him to know..he did not ask me or prompt me. I told him I did not want him to think that I was using my past as an EXCUSE for hurting him, but I needed him to know where I came from. I told him I was scared to tell him because I felt like he may throw it in my face later down the road.
Anyway, I spilled my guts. I told him about the ex forcing me into the shower at 3 am to "wash my filthy body", pulling me out of the shower and forcing me to perform acts on him, and then me waking up in the morning to find that every wall in my house had "wh0re" spray painted in red. I spilled it all.
I felt like I needed him to know that I WAS sorry for my inappropriate behavior, but that I couldn't live a life of being abused anymore. I have had too much of it.
That's when he said, "you didn't and don't deserve the abuse I gave you. I have been really abusive to a lot of women in my life even when I was sober." He said that his mother used to ask his girlfriends how his son was in the sack and if he was well enough endowed for them. He listened to how his mom would brag about cheating on her boyfriends and a lot of other stuff. But he said that he is very insecure about whether or not he is good enough (in everyway) for me. He said that he does not want to have our pasts define us anymore. He said he knew it was going to be a rough road, but that he really wanted to try to be the husband and father that his family deserves. Not just for us but for him.
He told me that he understands that he has a problem with women and that he wants to deal with the BS from his childhood and try to live a happy, sober life.
He told me he get so angry at my mom for how she treated me and that he was so sorry about what the ex did to me. He thanked me for sharing that with him and he said, "I want to be a spot in our lives where you don't get scared that I will throw it back in your face. You didn't deserve that and it wasn't your fault."
.......sooooo....pick your jaws up off the floor at the insane story of my past and how it effected my behavior please..
I hope you all won't judge me...I get really scared to share this part of my past because I was in denial about it for so long. Up until about six months ago freetosmile was never REALLY sexually abused...I was just put in some difficult situations. HA
I NEEDED to be accountable for my behavior to my husband. I really NEEDED that, regardless of whether we stay together or not. It was really bothering me that MY actions had really hurt someone else and I couldn't even tell someone WHY I did it until I came to terms with all the years of sexual abuse.....
So,......I feel better about MYSELF. What RAH does with it is not my problem as long as he's not throwing it in my face.
I feel comfortable about the current path. He is working his program, he quickly apologized for his outburst in the car and made amends. He asked me about going to alanon and me going to AA in a very loving and tender way...BUT I think we should NOT do that just yet. A lot of the couples I see in alanon have YEARS and YEARS of recovery under their belt. So I think we should go alone until we have a better handle on things.
I know it is a honeymoon period right now. I know he may throw this crap back in my face, I know things can go south super super quick. But for me, it was NICE to hear the kind words. I'll take them. It was NICE to hold myself accountable and admit fault...even if he doesn't want to accept it..I know I DID THE RIGHT THING.
Oh you guys...I hope you don't get disgusted by me now.....but I'm finally admitting the severity of what I came from and that has been eye-opening at understanding my codependency.
So I don't know what is going to happen. I won't tolerate abuse anymore and I made that VERY clear to him last night. He made it clear that he doesn't want to abuse anymore. Whether or not he sticks with that...well...I just can't COUNT on that. But I think I did a good thing for ME last night. And I will hope and pray that he meant what he said, but I will prepare to have that thrown back at me and I will prepare for abuse and I will prepare for relapse....I just don't want to NOT have *any* optimism. I'm not doing myself any good by just expecting him to fail. I will prepare for failure, everything I did last night, I did for ME. My own accountablity. My own peace with the past....
Love you guys. Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: De
Posts: 5
I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you in your past. I just can't believe that someone would treat another person like that, let alone someone they say they "love". You are extremely brave and I admire the courage it took to post that here. Honesty is such a huge thing, especially to ourselves. I hope that things continue to go well with you and your RAH. I truly hope he took what you told him to heart and realizes what a brave, strong woman he married and starts to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by Usetosmile 
I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you in your past. I just can't believe that someone would treat another person like that, let alone someone they say they "love". You are extremely brave and I admire the courage it took to post that here. Honesty is such a huge thing, especially to ourselves. I hope that things continue to go well with you and your RAH. I truly hope he took what you told him to heart and realizes what a brave, strong woman he married and starts to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Free....we all have a past, some good, some not so good. It is what it is. Our past can define us or break us right? I was very broken and didn't know it until I married someone with a drug and alcohol problem.
You should not be ashamed of your past, be proud of the stronger person you have become!
**{Hugs}}
You should not be ashamed of your past, be proud of the stronger person you have become!
**{Hugs}}
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Oh, Free, you humble me. To think of how far you are in recovery so quickly, while maintaining your sense of humor & caring for a large family & now learning the depths of abuse you have suffered..... And then to be brave enough to post it all here..... Seriously, seriously humbled over here. Amazeballs. You impress the hell outta me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hey Lady - we have all done things we wished we hadn't. I have done things that I really didn't want to do, but did because I thought if I didn't well…..things wouldn't end up the way I wanted them to. Kudos to you.
Btw…..Your ex will get his.
Btw…..Your ex will get his.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Many hugs to Little free, and teenage free. I can only imagine how you felt when you were a teenager after living in that h3ll that you did with your mom. You are a SURVIVOR. You have had so many obstacles, where I think I would have just given up, but you just persevered. I am truly amazed at your strength, courage and determination. I really am honored to call you a "friend".
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
You deserve the best in life, and you are so powerful, I know you will find it. I do thank you for allowing us to see this terrific transformation in yourself. Thank you for sharing.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
You deserve the best in life, and you are so powerful, I know you will find it. I do thank you for allowing us to see this terrific transformation in yourself. Thank you for sharing.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
My jaw isn't on the floor because of what you did, but because of who you are.
You're just so d@mn beautiful.
You honor us with your story Free. I'm not speaking in hyperbole. I know everyone felt the same. You bless us when you share so openly. You are truly a light my friend.
Love you, hon
You're just so d@mn beautiful.
You honor us with your story Free. I'm not speaking in hyperbole. I know everyone felt the same. You bless us when you share so openly. You are truly a light my friend.
Love you, hon
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by freetosmile
My own peace with the past....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Thanks so much everyone. I really was scared to do this ,but I liberated myself a lot actually. I'm so blessed to have found SR. Wow! You guys really rock. It brings tears to my eyes to have such acceptance. Thanks so much
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
No judgement from my corner. I've done awful things too. The good and the bad make us who we are today and I wouldn't trade you for anyone else. Your experience, my experience, will make us excellent parents to our children because we UNDERSTAND what they could face someday.
FTS, I'm honored you felt safe to share your story. You're worthy of the love and respect you desire...Hugs sister!
FTS, I'm honored you felt safe to share your story. You're worthy of the love and respect you desire...Hugs sister!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....Everyday, so many, many people read this forum. People who are hurting and wounded and are l ooking for help. You will never know how many you have helped with your sharing. But, rest assured that you have.
Those were things that happened to you. They are not who you ARE!
dandylion
Those were things that happened to you. They are not who you ARE!
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Cheryl Strayed (author of Wild and aka Dear Sugar) recounted somewhere recently how she met her future husband and poured out much off her painful past to him. He thanked her for trusting him enough to share this with him, but then told her -Cheryl, you do not have to be broken for me to love you.
FTS, you don't have to be broken to be loved.
FTS, you don't have to be broken to be loved.
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