I Miss Living With My Parents
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
Oh my goodness! I started doing the mental "10 good years" thing, too! That's one thing that finally shook me up. We only get one life.
Justbreathe, soooooo... You miss living with your parents?
Pack up your things tonight and move back for awhile. Without him. There is nothing stopping you. It's not divorce. It's breathing room.
Justbreathe, soooooo... You miss living with your parents?
Pack up your things tonight and move back for awhile. Without him. There is nothing stopping you. It's not divorce. It's breathing room.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Originally Posted by lillamy 
That's what I was doing, too. Until a therapist explained to me that often, the spouse of an alcoholic wears out and dies long before the alcoholic. I'm sometimes amazed at how they live and live and live despite the fact that their habits should have killed them 20 years ago...
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Originally Posted by FireSprite
There's an old, hard saying around here that I just love because it cuts through the BS in almost any situation: "You don't have a problem so much as you have a solution you don't like."
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JB- I am happy for you that you have stayed sober during the craziness of your life. I am sure it is very stressful, as you would love to have a drink to calm down. You are doing great!!!
The problem is your husband isn't sober. You need to do what is best for you. Living in a home where there is so many secrets and things to hide from the family is a lot of pressure on you. Maybe as you get back to your support meetings, you can be honest with the family that you love. They only want whats best for you. Obviously you don't want to tell them because they are going to agree with most the people on this forum. But we are not here to judge anyone, you need to what you can do.
You have to understand that it will only get worse, never better while he is actively drinking. At one point you won't be able to avoid what is going on in your home.
Stay strong and sober, that's really the best thing you have going on in your life.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
The problem is your husband isn't sober. You need to do what is best for you. Living in a home where there is so many secrets and things to hide from the family is a lot of pressure on you. Maybe as you get back to your support meetings, you can be honest with the family that you love. They only want whats best for you. Obviously you don't want to tell them because they are going to agree with most the people on this forum. But we are not here to judge anyone, you need to what you can do.
You have to understand that it will only get worse, never better while he is actively drinking. At one point you won't be able to avoid what is going on in your home.
Stay strong and sober, that's really the best thing you have going on in your life.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
"You don't have a problem so much as you have a solution you don't like."
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
He just woke up from bed and said to me, "What are you doing my love?"
You see, that is just it. There still are too many loving things that make me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
This makes me feel really sad.
Such a short, no effort, half mumbled sentance is enough to make you feel 'love', and make up for all the non-love action he shows you.
Someone once posted about the 'intermittent chicken' here - search it - it was a real eye opener to me. Like you, my staying with my AH was bound by the odd bit of 'loving' chicken feed he'd throw out to me.
Funny thing was....like a lot of people said here....my AH didnt get sober until I stood by my boundary that I would no longer live with an active A. Things went to hell for a few months when I asserted this boundary, and I had to reasert many times over those months. Once he realised I was serious, he finally went to rehab.
Of course now I am dealing with the fact that his primary motivator for being sober was so he didnt lose his family....which lacks strength as a motivator.
Only time will tell whether he sees the benefits of sobriety beyond not losing his family. But not my circus, not my monkey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Thank you all for your posts. Feeling better today. Sundays and Mondays are my husband's days off. We had an interesting conversation in the car today in which a lot of true feelings and opinions came out. When I told him that I would like him to stick to the 24 ounces of beer, he told me that I was lucky he was not drinking more. I told him he was lucky that I was even still with him, as the original agreement was no drinking until the vacation. We got into this discussion because I did not like how he had 2 16 ounces of beer at the restaurant last night, as I thought this was very borderline excessive. I told him that he should be content with a 24 ounce beer or two 12 ounce beers. By the way, I know that this attempt to control him most likely will not work, but it is my current false sense of security in the relationship to help protect myself and keep my husband from becoming belligerent. Sort of like how I do not allow beer in the apartment anymore.
Anyways, we went out to eat today, and he was content having two pints (12 ounces each of beer). By the way, when he told me earlier that I was lucky he was not drinking more, I told him that I would leave the situation if he decided to drink more, and so the choice is his.
He was pretty much fine after the 2 beers, but I know that this is all a false sense of security. For those alcoholics wondering how he can often stick to 2 beers, remember that he has his other fix (marijuana) always on him.
I still don't like how I have to drive all the time, and especially how he will negatively critique my driving if I go the wrong way (if he does not like my driving, he obviously should be driving.) When I was upset last night and told him in bed that I wanted a divorce, he told me he would never let that happen. He told me today that he loves me, and that he told himself growing up that he would never get divorced. I told him that actions speak louder than words. It is obvious how his behavior is always better the next day when I confront him with my sorrow and dissatisfaction in the marriage.
Round and round we go.
Anyways, we went out to eat today, and he was content having two pints (12 ounces each of beer). By the way, when he told me earlier that I was lucky he was not drinking more, I told him that I would leave the situation if he decided to drink more, and so the choice is his.
He was pretty much fine after the 2 beers, but I know that this is all a false sense of security. For those alcoholics wondering how he can often stick to 2 beers, remember that he has his other fix (marijuana) always on him.
I still don't like how I have to drive all the time, and especially how he will negatively critique my driving if I go the wrong way (if he does not like my driving, he obviously should be driving.) When I was upset last night and told him in bed that I wanted a divorce, he told me he would never let that happen. He told me today that he loves me, and that he told himself growing up that he would never get divorced. I told him that actions speak louder than words. It is obvious how his behavior is always better the next day when I confront him with my sorrow and dissatisfaction in the marriage.
Round and round we go.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Congrats on your 78 days, it is really commendable with everything you have going on. Why not give your sponsor a call and get back to working the steps?
Do you want a divorce? Saying those kinds of things without meaning them is just like him saying that you are lucky he isn't having more than x oz. of beer. It's this tango of arguing and threatening, seeing if it elicits a reaction.
Do you want a divorce? Saying those kinds of things without meaning them is just like him saying that you are lucky he isn't having more than x oz. of beer. It's this tango of arguing and threatening, seeing if it elicits a reaction.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Yes, there are times when I really do want a divorce when he hurts my feelings (such as when he gets angry over my driving). It is in those moments when I do want out because it is mental abuse. He then shapes up the next day because he knows that I am getting fed up and being worn out by him. And just to clarify. I don't threaten divorce so that I can have these happy days the following day, that is just what happens. I mean it in the moment when I say it, and he probably knows that he needs to shape up or else I may take action.
And I honestly think he means what he says when he tells me that I am lucky that he only drinks 24 ounces of beer on his off days, and that he does not have a daily drink after work. He is being truthful, but he knows that if he was to start doing that, I may end the relationship because I could not take that lifestyle. And if you think about it, I guess I am sort of lucky right now that he just sticks to the two beers and stops and doesn't drink after work. My friend the other day told me that most alcoholics would just tell their wives to screw off and do what they want.
Also, I do not have a sponsor in AA and do not want one for personal reasons. I have worked the steps in my past with a sponsor, and so today I just continue working and living the steps on my own, and if I have questions, I will run things past other contacts I have in AA.
And I honestly think he means what he says when he tells me that I am lucky that he only drinks 24 ounces of beer on his off days, and that he does not have a daily drink after work. He is being truthful, but he knows that if he was to start doing that, I may end the relationship because I could not take that lifestyle. And if you think about it, I guess I am sort of lucky right now that he just sticks to the two beers and stops and doesn't drink after work. My friend the other day told me that most alcoholics would just tell their wives to screw off and do what they want.
Also, I do not have a sponsor in AA and do not want one for personal reasons. I have worked the steps in my past with a sponsor, and so today I just continue working and living the steps on my own, and if I have questions, I will run things past other contacts I have in AA.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
You know those corny magic 8 balls JB?
Here's what mine sees. I think he will stay in check until cruise. Primarily because he wants to go. He already has his daily weed and is drinking too. He will really cut lose drinking on cruise. But you'll hopfeully be OK as not much real life stressors on board. The trouble is going to be back home after the cruise.
Learn all you can on boundaries and how you two engage on the same drama triangles over and over... Hugs. You have a window of time I perceive to make some good plans for you.
Here's what mine sees. I think he will stay in check until cruise. Primarily because he wants to go. He already has his daily weed and is drinking too. He will really cut lose drinking on cruise. But you'll hopfeully be OK as not much real life stressors on board. The trouble is going to be back home after the cruise.
Learn all you can on boundaries and how you two engage on the same drama triangles over and over... Hugs. You have a window of time I perceive to make some good plans for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
I agree with you. My husband is scared to death to do something stupid to ruin the cruise, as he is really excited to go. And that is just it - due to minimal stressors on the cruise like last year, we had minimal drama.
I am worried most about the time after the cruise as well and how he will act. But I already have my plan and am not going to fret over making new ones. If he begins to drink excessively when we get back, then I will not want to be in such a relationship.
I am worried most about the time after the cruise as well and how he will act. But I already have my plan and am not going to fret over making new ones. If he begins to drink excessively when we get back, then I will not want to be in such a relationship.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I remember how supportive my close family and friends were when I was having problems with my husband. I know its a difficult choice telling the ones you love there is a problem.. of course we don't want anyone to worry.. but I would give it lots of thought. I don't know your personal relationship etc. so I would never advise; I know sometimes family can begin to exert pressure etc.. and it might make things worse. Its wonderful your taking care of yourself and keeping your own sobriety safe.
Good thoughts being sent your way tonight.
Good thoughts being sent your way tonight.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
He then shapes up the next day because he knows that I am getting fed up and being worn out by him. And just to clarify. I don't threaten divorce so that I can have these happy days the following day, that is just what happens.
he probably knows that he needs to shape up or else I may take action.
And I honestly think he means what he says when he tells me that I am lucky that he only drinks 24 ounces of beer on his off days...I guess I am sort of lucky right now that he just sticks to the two beers
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
JB, you are in an abuse cycle.
I was in it for 15 years.
I had so many "good talks." I felt heard that I needed him to change XYZ. Hope hope hope. Well... Nothing ever changed. It was just part of the honeymoon cycle of the abuse. Deep down, his addictions always always always trumped me. He never really had any intention of changing the addictions and verbal abuse because it WORKED for him. He had no incentive to actually change.
Do you realize you are actually arguing over ounces of alcohol?
It's like being in the room with an enormous hungry cougar who is going to devour you, and you and your husband are arguing about clipping it's toenails. The cougar is going to win, JB. You have the choice to leave the room. You don't have a choice on whether to get your spouse to leave with you. That's his choice.
I was in it for 15 years.
I had so many "good talks." I felt heard that I needed him to change XYZ. Hope hope hope. Well... Nothing ever changed. It was just part of the honeymoon cycle of the abuse. Deep down, his addictions always always always trumped me. He never really had any intention of changing the addictions and verbal abuse because it WORKED for him. He had no incentive to actually change.
Do you realize you are actually arguing over ounces of alcohol?
It's like being in the room with an enormous hungry cougar who is going to devour you, and you and your husband are arguing about clipping it's toenails. The cougar is going to win, JB. You have the choice to leave the room. You don't have a choice on whether to get your spouse to leave with you. That's his choice.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
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JB have you ever seen the movie Sleeping with the enemy???? maybe you should.. it.. says a bunch... prayers kiddo prayers... and love honest and from the heart a Mom.. and kiddo you should tell a parent sister or brother.. someone you trust with the information.. just in case of a problem that you need real help.. prayers.. Father in Heaven care for this Lady of Faith.. Hold her tight Guide her path with your light.. in the Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost.. just ardy...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi JB, although, honestly, I think your marriage is doomed by alcohol, I can also see you've got a reasonable grip on the situation for now, and not many illusions about where you're heading.
I do worry about him saying he will never let divorce happen. Is that meant in the way of a threat, or does he mean he will control his behaviour? I was also wondering about whether you're involving your family in any way? You've said previously that they were getting pretty annoyed with you.
Just wishing you well as you let things play out. I admire that you're receptive to the posts here while still going your own way.
I do worry about him saying he will never let divorce happen. Is that meant in the way of a threat, or does he mean he will control his behaviour? I was also wondering about whether you're involving your family in any way? You've said previously that they were getting pretty annoyed with you.
Just wishing you well as you let things play out. I admire that you're receptive to the posts here while still going your own way.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Bullfrog, I can't even tell you about all the "honeymoon" periods I had over my 34 years with my addict. I still have them with him even divorced.
They know when they are being "bad boys" and they suck you back in to forgive them. There is page in the One day at a time from Alanon that talks about accepting unacceptable behavior from your A, then forgiving them, and expecting them never to do it again to you, till the next time.
Its sad, we are enablers and keep doing the same thing, but expecting a different result. Sad for all of us, but so true for many of us!!!
JB- you are the only one that knows when enough is enough. As long as you stay strong and sober then you will be able to make a healthy choice on what you want in life.
(((((((hugs))))))))))))
They know when they are being "bad boys" and they suck you back in to forgive them. There is page in the One day at a time from Alanon that talks about accepting unacceptable behavior from your A, then forgiving them, and expecting them never to do it again to you, till the next time.
Its sad, we are enablers and keep doing the same thing, but expecting a different result. Sad for all of us, but so true for many of us!!!
JB- you are the only one that knows when enough is enough. As long as you stay strong and sober then you will be able to make a healthy choice on what you want in life.
(((((((hugs))))))))))))
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