Fathom

I'm upset tonight. So many reasons, really. But, the thing keeping me up right now is an email I received from my dad. He has decided he wants more communication between the two of us. He has a habit of oversharing and trying to talk to me about things better discussed with his peers. But, I have learned to basically ignore that over the years.

Lately, his two favorite things to share are 1) drama related to his ex-con (soon to be con again) alcoholic tenant who lives in the same building as my dad, and 2) the unlimited merits of classes offered by the Landmark Forum and how our entire family should participate in them, and that he particularly wants to support my participation.

The first topic is one that he started talking to me about after I had escaped from my life with my then AH. I told my dad at that time about Al-Anon and gave him tips on which local meetings were most helpful to me (I had moved away from the area at that point). I also asked him to stop talking to me about the drama because I had already lived it, and I was actively ridding my life of toxic drama. I suggested that these topics were best discussed with a support group. He is classic codependent with this guy. It is really difficult to watch (even from afar), but I do understand how he continually gets sucked into it. I have contemplated calling elder protective services a number of times though I know he would do everything in his power to downplay the incidents.

The second topic is actually one that upsets me even more than the first because I am so offended by this organization that my dad seems so enthralled with. This is a national high-cost, for-profit, self-help organization that employs high-pressure sales pitches using your loved ones. After each set of classes, they tell the students to invite loved ones to their "graduation day". During this event, the leaders of the Forum engage the audience in some sample psychological exercises and then use the students to give a long series of testimonials. This went on for HOURS! I was livid when my dad brought me to his graduation day turned 3-hour in-person infomercial. They were signing up audience members that night for classes that cost well over $1000. My dad has participated in multiple classes and volunteers at least 4 hours a week making phone calls to interested people.

The last time he brought this up with me, I asked him about the high cost and whether there were any scholarships available for lower-income families. Do they give information on lower-cost alternatives that people can utilize until they can afford one of these classes? The answer to both questions is no. Lower-income families are encouraged to hold a bake sale or other fundraiser. I find this such an appallingly unethical and obvious preying on desperate people. I cannot support it in any way beyond being happy that my dad has found it useful and satisfying in some way. (I guess. Seriously grasping for gratitude there!)

I feel like I have put him down nicely on both of these troubling topics multiple times, but he is not getting the message. He claims he wants open communication between us, but I don't think he's going to be open to hearing my unfiltered views on these topics. Topics that I feel I've already said my piece on. I don't think it's healthy for me to repeat myself more.

So... Grr.

Fathom

Hammer

Sorry. But I am laughing. This is kind of funny, if you can step back from it.

It sort of sounds like a bad Saturday Night Live skit or something.

Sorry, but really. THOSE are funny. I understand that they are not funny to be part of, but still.

dunno. I guess I might tell him that "we" can talk about ANYthing EXCEPT Topic #1 and Topic #2.

So what would YOU rather talk about?

dandylion

Fathom....from as much as I can gather from your post.....
for me....I would say something like this (when he brings up these particular subjects) :

"No can do, Dad. No can do.
It harshes my mellow.
Lets talk about anything else in the universe"

***When talking to my "difficult" mother when she was in her 90's...one of the best things that I could do was to get her o n the subjects of things that happened and her memories of experiences in her own childhood. She became a different person during those (verry interesting conversations). It is a way to build connections that are not focused on any conflicts. History happened. Can't argue about history.

dandylion

Fathom

No need to apologize, Hammer. The irony of it all has not escaped me. It's really too bad it isn't just a bad SNL skit. I'm sure they could have a field day with it.

I'm less angry this morning after getting a few hours of sleep. I'm more just sad for him now and frustrated to have to continually enforce my own boundaries. I know that's to be expected with certain people. Just sad that my dad is one of them.

Thanks for your perspective, Hammer.

Fathom

Fathom

Thanks for weighing in, Dandylion. I needed reminding that reasons for saying "no" are unnecessary to share. The important thing is the no. Giving reasons just extends the discussion on the unwanted topics that much longer, and it's unlikely to make a difference anyway (based on past behavior).

When I am talking with him in person, I have tried getting him to share his memories. The thing is, he always shares stories of really dysfunctional family members, but he relates those stories as though they were normal or with an air of nostalgia. It has given me some perspective into how he has gotten to be the way he is, and I feel compassion for him. I also wonder how the heck he managed to shelter me from all of that as I was growing up. I could have told him that was all messed up when I was 5!

Ok, today is all about finding my mellow again...

Fathom

dandylion

Oh, I can hear you, Fathom. Trust me, I k now that it isn't always easy to just listen and keep our personal judgements in check.
I think that we just have to remember that we have to accept them just as they are--because there is little chance of changing basically who they are.
I agree with you that when we hear how they got to be where they are...it allows us to have more compassion.

I can see that you really care.

dandylion

***may you become "As mellow as the month of May"