wiltwillow

It is so much easier said than done. I just can't seem to get passed this. Knowing that ex addict bf is living with a girl he just met crushes me. I was a loyal girlfriend and mother of his child for three years. It makes me thing even his two years sober were just a joke to him. He threw me and my daughter away like a piece of trash when he used to love us so dearly. I imagine them sleeping in bed together (ex and new "gf") and being happy and her just fawning over him. I just want to message her so bad. I don't think she shows that he is an addict. I want to tell her to carry the anti overdose drug. I want to tell her to check on him at night. I want to tell her that she could be contributing to his death if she continues to unknowingly enable him. I know he is there because he had no where else but I can't help but think what if he falls in love with her and gets better and my dreams of a family are crushed forever.

Mags1

So sorry for what your going through, wiltwillow, I haven't got any answers for you, I'm sorry, just wanted you to know we are all here for you.

wiltwillow

Thank you. Just that does make me feel better

Katchie

So sorry for your pain. But, if he isn't in rehab, or working a program, or something to keep him from his addiction, he is still active and if she hasn't figured it out she will soon. It sounds like he is using her. There is nothing great going on there, nothing remotely normal, nothing that you would deserve because you deserve better.

I don't know your story, so I hope that you are reaching out to alanon or celebrate recovery for some face to face support. Hugs to you.

resolute50

Sorry that you are going through this.
But, you will be better off in the long run.

knowthetriggers

Sorry you are hurting. Stay strong and take care of yourself and you child. Your HP will guide you!

Jodie77

My friend once told me when I was idealizing my ex's new relationship, "Don't paint a picture of a false reality in your mind." If he is in active addiction her life will be hell. Trust me the novelty wears off.

theuncertainty

Oh, sweetie, the dreams you had for this relationship didn't become reality, but that doesn't mean you won't have a family. It doesn't mean that you and your DD aren't already a family. It may not look like you'd imagined, but you are a family. And just because this guy isn't currently working towards recovery to be the husband or father you'd hoped he would become, it doesn't mean that you won't be able to find someone later who can be with you whole-heartedly.

I'm sorry that you're hurting. You and your DD deserve so much more than he's capable of giving.

maia1234

W- good for you for posting here and not doing something that you would regret. There is nothing to their relationship. He is using her, and you know that, that's what A's do to get what they want.

Deep breaths and be grateful that it is not you , he is using....
(((((((hugs)))))))))

Timeiskey

Wilt,

I understand what you are going through. Just before Christmas, my exABF was toying with me- told me he wasn't dating anyone and that he really wanted to catch up and that it was still so hard for him to think about me. He said he could hear me laughing outside and it made him feel so happy. But now, he has a girlfriend that is here every night. And all that talk before Christmas, well, now he isn't seeking me out to "catch up" in the friendly peace that he wanted us to have in our shared living environment. It was all just another layer of the fantasy... its all fantasy. And this is something that I am confident about- either this lady is healthy and will realize what the heck is going on quickly, or she will find herself up all night with drink in hand, while my exABF goes on and on about jazz and Nola, because that is a wide as his world can be...because he is an alcoholic. At some point, he will stop trying. or she will ask him to move forward in a real way with the relationship, and if she is lucky, he will do to her what he did to me- reject the relationship as a threat to his alcohol.
A friend of mine made a comment yesterday, he said, "if you ever get the chance, you should warn her. Heck, she might even thank you. Tell her to run like her a** is on fire" otherwise, she will just end up like you and I, Wilt, confused and hurt by the lackluster fantasy gone awry.
He isn't going to change for her. He will only change if he ever wants it for himself.

honeypig

Are you imagining that the reason he didn't "get better" (or "stay better", since you say he was sober for a period of time) is b/c he didn't love you enough, or didn't love you, period? Please don't waste one breath telling yourself such things. He is not "better" b/c he has not made the choice to get better, to do the work, shoulder the responsibilities, face the reality of his life. This other woman doesn't have some magical powers that you lack, that will make him seek help. Given time, she'll find herself in the same spot you're in now.

Some time ago, a member here posted that she stopped feeling like she had failed w/her A when she realized that the battle was never hers to fight in the first place. Your case is the same.

Can I make a suggestion? I see that the only threads you've posted to since joining here are ones you've started yourself. You might find it useful to do some reading and posting on other threads, too, even if all you can say is "hang in there" or "I understand." I know that when I've gotten stuck in my own troubles and all I can seem to do is examine how awful my life is w/a microscope, it has been tremendously helpful for me to alter my perspective and take a look around. I don't think I've ever failed to find something good, funny, beautiful or uplifting somewhere, and it has done so much to carry me thru the hard parts.

Yes, it's painful to imagine him "happy" w/his new GF, but the happier you and your daughter are, the less you'll care about anything he feels. Give it a shot, OK?

FlippedRHalo

Yes!! Exactly that! It was never our battle to fight. So hard to realize, but so freeing once you do.

987g

You aren't alone. Just remember that the problems he has and the problems you faced in your relationship will not just go away because he is with someone else. He is still the same person with all the same problems and that's not going to change just because the girl did.

I can totally relate to how you feel about what if he falls in love with her, gets better, and lives happily ever after and it's not with you. Well, I have learned a very harsh reality this year! Alcoholics, even the recovering ones, have a lot of issues and that includes in relationships. Relationships with alcoholics are extremely complicated and never easy. It is not going to be a story-book romance. It probably won't even be a healthy romance. They have a lot of work to do on themselves!

I wouldn't have anything to do with her. I know you want to, I know you want to warn or possibly even save her, but I can tell you that it will probably blow up in your face. It will cause you more drama, more hurt, and more pain.

Take care of yourself as best you can. Do what you need to do to remain sane! And take comfort that things always work out, they just do. But none of us can predict the future, we can just live for today.