messing with my head
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
hi Carmen, I am an alcoholic who recently got sober after many years drinking. I am married with two kids and a loving wife.
Inside the head of the alcoholic is a really messy place where lots of things don't really make sense and are not planned out. We don't think long term or even day to day. We kind of deal with the fallout from the car crash caused by drinking the day before, try to stumble through the day and sometimes we can be bothered to try to do enough or say enough to our partners and families to free up as much space as possible for drinking. Of course, over time we don't both with anything other than drinking.
I love my wife and often would drink to blackout and wake up and try to make amends and be sweet. Then I would have all sorts of stresses caused by failing to do my job properly, hangovers to contend with and life stuff to sort out and I could be really sharp and argumentative. My wife would then be pissed off with my drinking and I would be pissed off that she kept arguing about it. And then I lashed back. And the cycle kept going like this. As much as I loved my wife and kids then I loved drinking more.
So everything just descended in one big emotional confusing irrational mess and it was not only until I quit that I began to see it for what it was. There are many on this forum who could dissect my behaviour and the many arguments I had with my wife and say it was abuse but really abuse was never my intention. Does that difference matter? Yes, I think so. I am not a bad person but I did need to drop the booze and recover and work to restore my marriage and the trust and love that I eroded thanks to my ex best friend the booze. I am an alcoholic and that means I can never drink again, that was a life changing and necessary admission and a point your partner needs to get to. Anyway, hopefully this gives you a different perspective from the other side.
Inside the head of the alcoholic is a really messy place where lots of things don't really make sense and are not planned out. We don't think long term or even day to day. We kind of deal with the fallout from the car crash caused by drinking the day before, try to stumble through the day and sometimes we can be bothered to try to do enough or say enough to our partners and families to free up as much space as possible for drinking. Of course, over time we don't both with anything other than drinking.
I love my wife and often would drink to blackout and wake up and try to make amends and be sweet. Then I would have all sorts of stresses caused by failing to do my job properly, hangovers to contend with and life stuff to sort out and I could be really sharp and argumentative. My wife would then be pissed off with my drinking and I would be pissed off that she kept arguing about it. And then I lashed back. And the cycle kept going like this. As much as I loved my wife and kids then I loved drinking more.
So everything just descended in one big emotional confusing irrational mess and it was not only until I quit that I began to see it for what it was. There are many on this forum who could dissect my behaviour and the many arguments I had with my wife and say it was abuse but really abuse was never my intention. Does that difference matter? Yes, I think so. I am not a bad person but I did need to drop the booze and recover and work to restore my marriage and the trust and love that I eroded thanks to my ex best friend the booze. I am an alcoholic and that means I can never drink again, that was a life changing and necessary admission and a point your partner needs to get to. Anyway, hopefully this gives you a different perspective from the other side.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 80
Everyone is so great on here...thank you all so much!
Ubn, thank you so much for the A perspective and congratulations for your successful recovery
UBN, I don't know if this makes a difference at all, but my ABF only drinks wine and beer. He doesn't seem to have hangovers, never has nausea or blackouts.
He's high functioning and is employed, but his anger issues always puts him on the edge of potential job loss. However, he drinks every night, until his words are slurring and he is unstable. I can't have a sensible conversation with him by this point. Holidays are always an excuse to drink even more (including super bowl). He has physical signs of alcoholism, so I am very concerned for his health.
As you can see from my previous post, I am so confused, because he says that he loves me "so much" and yet he says the mean things that I mentioned, but I know that he is a good person. I have no idea how he would be fully sober (6 months or more) or how he would feel toward me.
He is at the point of admitting that he has a problem, BUT he keeps putting off taking ACTION. He says that he knows he has to get his act together in order for us to potentially work. He is AGAINST AA; says "NO" to AA ... and it's all he can afford right now. Anything else is a big expense, which is his excuse. He keeps saying "I'm working on it"....but I see no results or action.
He says comments like, "pretty soon I'm going to get tired of talking to you, if you keep bringing up the drinking" (it comes up because he ask me to go to a drinking outings or he's been drinking, so I can't not bring it up), "all you do is look at the negative", "you've got issues" (yes...only his drinking), "why can't you just overlook it?"
Ubn, thank you so much for the A perspective and congratulations for your successful recovery
UBN, I don't know if this makes a difference at all, but my ABF only drinks wine and beer. He doesn't seem to have hangovers, never has nausea or blackouts.
He's high functioning and is employed, but his anger issues always puts him on the edge of potential job loss. However, he drinks every night, until his words are slurring and he is unstable. I can't have a sensible conversation with him by this point. Holidays are always an excuse to drink even more (including super bowl). He has physical signs of alcoholism, so I am very concerned for his health.
As you can see from my previous post, I am so confused, because he says that he loves me "so much" and yet he says the mean things that I mentioned, but I know that he is a good person. I have no idea how he would be fully sober (6 months or more) or how he would feel toward me.
He is at the point of admitting that he has a problem, BUT he keeps putting off taking ACTION. He says that he knows he has to get his act together in order for us to potentially work. He is AGAINST AA; says "NO" to AA ... and it's all he can afford right now. Anything else is a big expense, which is his excuse. He keeps saying "I'm working on it"....but I see no results or action.
He says comments like, "pretty soon I'm going to get tired of talking to you, if you keep bringing up the drinking" (it comes up because he ask me to go to a drinking outings or he's been drinking, so I can't not bring it up), "all you do is look at the negative", "you've got issues" (yes...only his drinking), "why can't you just overlook it?"
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Oh, carmen...I have gone through the same exact thing with my AXBF. This is just the Way of the Alcoholic. Don't listen to his sh*t. Because that's what it is...a big, steaming, stinky pile of bs. He is probably transferring his own feelings about himself onto you. That's what mine did. He was in and out a rehab a few times, some steps towards recovery...let him back into my life...then BAM! Right back to drinking and the same old emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse. I finally cut off all contact completely. I don't even let him have contact with our 6 year old son. I made the mistake last week of unblocking his texts. HUGE mistake. Things were ok the first few texts. I told him I really hoped he would get the help he needs so he can still have a relationship with our son. He comes back at me telling me I need the help. Then I told him I couldn't have contact with him anymore because it was obvious he was still drinking. He told me no, as a matter of fact, he was at a meeting at that moment. More lying manipulative alcoholic bs. Pisses me off to no end, because I could tell by his texts that he was drinking. You just know, you know?. I feel like every
time I start to heal, I let him rip the scab off and poke at the wound.
I wish I could be more positive and tell you things will get better between you. But you have to worry about healing YOU, and forget about him. Stick around here...read some posts, and engage. You will learn that many of us, if not most, are in the same boat. And just knowing you're not alone helps in the healing process.
time I start to heal, I let him rip the scab off and poke at the wound.
I wish I could be more positive and tell you things will get better between you. But you have to worry about healing YOU, and forget about him. Stick around here...read some posts, and engage. You will learn that many of us, if not most, are in the same boat. And just knowing you're not alone helps in the healing process.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He doesn't seem to have hangovers, never has nausea or blackouts.
unless you are him, you don't know any of the above for sure. considering he's a daily drinker, aka MAINTENANCE drinker, he keeps his blood alcohol level high enough to never go into massive withdrawals. it doesn't matter WHAT he drinks, it's what happens WHEN he drinks.....
considering you've been around and around and around with him on this same topic for a long long time now, when might you get tired of talking about it, trying to change him, and begin to see that you deserve better treatment and much more out of a relationship?
if the person who bags your groceries treats you nicer than your boyfriend or husband, what does that say??????
unless you are him, you don't know any of the above for sure. considering he's a daily drinker, aka MAINTENANCE drinker, he keeps his blood alcohol level high enough to never go into massive withdrawals. it doesn't matter WHAT he drinks, it's what happens WHEN he drinks.....
considering you've been around and around and around with him on this same topic for a long long time now, when might you get tired of talking about it, trying to change him, and begin to see that you deserve better treatment and much more out of a relationship?
if the person who bags your groceries treats you nicer than your boyfriend or husband, what does that say??????
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Carmen, someone may have already posted this, but I found it extremely helpful in recognizing that I was, in fact, being abused by my XABF. They can convince you that it's all in your head, that you are overreacting, that you have the problem...blah blah blah. Here you go: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html
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