freetosmile

So I'm driving down the road and a song comes on. One of those " I'm sick of your crap" songs. An empowering song. But instead of allowing myself to be empowered, I imagine AH listening to the song and thinking about me and I begin to feel sad and unloved.

Has this ever happened to anyone or is it just dysfunctional me?

hopeful4

Oh yes, I usto do that. It's part of that codie behavior. STOP IT...lol!

ShootingStar1

You are still viewing YOUR life through HIS lense.

It happened to me, too. When I finally understood that I could view MY life through my own lense, I began to get free. I went back and forth for a long time, and eventually, now, I look at myself with myself in the center of the circle, not him.

When we are involved in an abusive relationship, as it seems that both you and I were, we gradually, over time, cede our right and then our capacity to see life from our own authentic self to him, our abuser. That is some of the most subtle and pernicious damage that happens to us. We cease to live our own lives, and begin to live our lives through the filter of how our abuser sees us and wants us to behave.

Dig deep into what YOU feel, what you want, a little at a time. Enlightenment will come, as will greater and greater peace.

ShootingStar1

knowthetriggers

All the time! I am working very hard to STOP IT. I kid you not, just a few weekends ago our Priest was giving the Homily and it just so happened to reference addiction and my thoughts were "Hmmm, hope he is listening"....

NerdlyBeauty

I too was in an abusive relationship with my AXBF. What ShootingStar says is absolutely true. They even convince you that it's NOT abuse. Mine used to day "I don't hit you, so it's not abuse." And if he forced me to have sex with him against my will, which he did A LOT, it wasn't rape because we were together. There's no rational logic to that thought process, because they see us as possessions rather than people. And after awhile, you start to believe it to, because that's all you hear. But I promise you, IT WILL GET BETTER!

theuncertainty

I sometimes have a hard time not thinking of AXH when I hear this section of Mumford & Sons' song Roll Away Your Stone
and imagining that that's how he felt when he finally attended rehab. Like he was thinking if I would have been happy and welcomed him back, all would have been good. Though to be honest, the thought p-es me off.

freetosmile

Oh well thank goodness I'm not alone! I thought I was just crazy! Shootingstar you are soooo right! And nerdlybeauty (I have to giggle when I type that) thanks for sharing that vulnerable piece of your past with me.

I'm going to work on this hard, because music has always been my life and I'm not going to let him take that from me too!

dandylion

freetosmile....I strongly suggest this: Take an index card and write several things that will bring you to your senses when he starts his sxxx or starts his QUACKING. Carry the card at all times and read it when you feel yourself beginning to doubt yourself or feel that most slippery of emotions "false guilt". Because, unless you are the most unusual person in
codiedom---you will!!

***helpful hint: When craziness or nastiness starts to fly o ut of h is mouth---mentally visualize him as a small duck "quacking". You will immediately feel stronger and he will just look stupid.

If you haven't read the thread called "Quackers"--treat yourself to it now. I think it will make a strong impression on you--plus you will laugh your ring off!

dandylion

Kboys

All the time!
When we hear a mushy love song, or are watching a cheesy love scene on tv, or a commercial for EHarmony or something, and I wonder what he's thinking.

Thank you for posting that