AH relapsed after 13 months sober
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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AH relapsed after 13 months sober
My AH relapsed after 13 months sober. He was doing so well and was back to the man I married 8 years ago. He completed inpatient rehab, lived voluntarily in an Oxford (clean and sober) house for 6 months, found a sponsor, and attended AA. He started a great job, we reconciled and he moved back in after being separated for a year, and now I am 36 weeks pregnant--which was unplanned--but he has been so excited and great with the pregnancy. What scares me is how quickly he went right back to how bad he was before entering rehab. His relapse started yesterday and already he is back to insane binge drinking for 24 hrs straight and then lying to me. I'm afraid what would've happened had I not confronted him--how long it would have gone on or how hard he would have tried to lie to me.
He left for work yesterday at 4:30am, or at least he made me think that, and then he called me yesterday to tell me he was staying in the city for the night--he commutes 90 minutes for work and works 10 hour days. The company pays for hotel rooms for half the crew two nights a week to save on commute but my AH has never stayed and has always elected to come home. I know they are on a deadline so when he said he needed to work later than the crew bus was leaving, I wasn't suspicious. I should have been. He never went to work yesterday, nor did he today. He called in for the last two days and drank. As soon as I got home from work today I knew he had been home at some point. I just knew it. So I texted him simply asking him when he had been home. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. About 30 minutes later he texted back saying, "I relapsed sorry I am ok." What if I hadn't said anything? We spoke last night and he just went on and on, lying about everything, playing it off like he was sitting in his hotel room eating pizza. I knew it then, I did. I could tell by his speech, his personality. I thought he might be slurring, but again, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, and asked him if he was eating his pizza while talking to me, to which he replied yes. I feel so stupid, so betrayed.
I called him immediately after receiving his text tonight. All he could say was he made a mistake and wanted to sleep it off. I told him he needed to be home because I knew as long as he was not home he would drink. I told him to call his sponsor. I contacted his sponsor as well. He got a cab, came home, didn't want to talk, and went straight to bed.
Now what? Where do we go from here? I realize relapses happen. But I really thought there would be signs. I really thought he'd come to me sooner if there were a temptation. I didn't think he'd lie again.
He left for work yesterday at 4:30am, or at least he made me think that, and then he called me yesterday to tell me he was staying in the city for the night--he commutes 90 minutes for work and works 10 hour days. The company pays for hotel rooms for half the crew two nights a week to save on commute but my AH has never stayed and has always elected to come home. I know they are on a deadline so when he said he needed to work later than the crew bus was leaving, I wasn't suspicious. I should have been. He never went to work yesterday, nor did he today. He called in for the last two days and drank. As soon as I got home from work today I knew he had been home at some point. I just knew it. So I texted him simply asking him when he had been home. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. About 30 minutes later he texted back saying, "I relapsed sorry I am ok." What if I hadn't said anything? We spoke last night and he just went on and on, lying about everything, playing it off like he was sitting in his hotel room eating pizza. I knew it then, I did. I could tell by his speech, his personality. I thought he might be slurring, but again, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, and asked him if he was eating his pizza while talking to me, to which he replied yes. I feel so stupid, so betrayed.
I called him immediately after receiving his text tonight. All he could say was he made a mistake and wanted to sleep it off. I told him he needed to be home because I knew as long as he was not home he would drink. I told him to call his sponsor. I contacted his sponsor as well. He got a cab, came home, didn't want to talk, and went straight to bed.
Now what? Where do we go from here? I realize relapses happen. But I really thought there would be signs. I really thought he'd come to me sooner if there were a temptation. I didn't think he'd lie again.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I do not have advice for you... my experience was with an A (not xAH) who never had periods of sobriety beyond a few weeks.
But it is just so sad that you have to experience all the hurt, confusion, feelings of betrayal etc... that go along with an A...
I am so sorry.
Do you have support and friends who you can talk to?
But it is just so sad that you have to experience all the hurt, confusion, feelings of betrayal etc... that go along with an A...
I am so sorry.
Do you have support and friends who you can talk to?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Oh gosh, that's awful. So sorry to hear about his relapse. My AH was only sober, at the most, 6 mo. and thats being generous. He has never worked a sober program, been in rehab, or anything because he has refused, so my situation is a little different than yours. But I had enough and told my AH not to come home or go to our children's games if he drinks and if he can't do that, then get his things and find a place to live.
What did you do last time to make your AH feel the consequences of drinking?
I hope you are in your own recovery program and have a great circle of support -- HUGS!
What did you do last time to make your AH feel the consequences of drinking?
I hope you are in your own recovery program and have a great circle of support -- HUGS!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Last time I filed for legal separation, kicked him out, and limited him to supervised visits with our daughter. Things got much worse before they got better with his drinking, eventually leading to him trying to break into the house in a drunken stupor, which led to a protection order. It wasn't until 3 months went by after separating that he went to rehab. He relapsed right out of rehab, but for 2 weeks, and then has had 13 months sober since the day we had our court date to finalize our separation. I didn't allow him back in to my life until he had a few months sober, and it even then it was gradual. He was just doing so well...I am blindsided.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
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Hopefully he will have a sober moment and be willing to sit and discuss what he plans to do about his problem. It is his problem. It's not like its some deep dark secret no one knows about.
I know you're blindsided but you will know what to do. You have been down this road before, unfortunately, but that will give you strength from your experience. Not that its easy at all. I know it isn't, but you've had a lot of growth since the realization first hit that he was an alcoholic.
Find your support and stay strong -- hugs
I know you're blindsided but you will know what to do. You have been down this road before, unfortunately, but that will give you strength from your experience. Not that its easy at all. I know it isn't, but you've had a lot of growth since the realization first hit that he was an alcoholic.
Find your support and stay strong -- hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
I'm no expert, and I think in your shoes I'd probably feel like kicking him out again, personally, with very pointy shoes, but there is some discussion of relapses in "Beyond Addiction" (being discussed on a separate discussion board) that might be helpful. One of the points the authors make is that however disappointed and upset the A's partner may be, the A himself is going to feel far worse. Also, the authors talk about how relapses may be seen as learning opportunities rather than complete failures, as it is normal for humans to have trouble and imperfect learning curves when trying to change behavior. And that a person can have a quick relapse and then get back on the program, with even more determination and focus, recognizing how easy it is to slip.
On the other hand, I feel for you.
On the other hand, I feel for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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I am so sorry. My separated AH relapsed after sobriety as well. I remember when I attended the significant others family night at his rehab program they said that the percentage of people who recover with no relapses is very little and most people who find long term sobriety relapse at least 3 times. I remember thinking...I cannot go through the ups and downs of 3 times!
All you can do is what I did and continue to do. Go to Alanon. Keep working your own recovery. Take care of yourself and your baby to be. Try not to focus on him. Focus on YOU.
Know that people are praying for you! Keep posting here. We know how you are feeling.
All you can do is what I did and continue to do. Go to Alanon. Keep working your own recovery. Take care of yourself and your baby to be. Try not to focus on him. Focus on YOU.
Know that people are praying for you! Keep posting here. We know how you are feeling.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't have any advice or experience with this. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
I think more will be revealed and how he chooses to move forward from here will give you a lot of information.
I think more will be revealed and how he chooses to move forward from here will give you a lot of information.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
This is such bad news, as you must be so heartbroken after things had been going so well. I would assess where he is at when he is sober. Does he plan on getting sober again? Does he plan on going to an AA meeting each day? If he does, then I would be willing to keep him in the house. If he just wants to continue drinking out of control and become belligerent, then I would send him off.
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SpouseRecovery.....I think that relapse hurts more than the origional drinking. It caused my heart to drop to the bottom of the ocean.
I also think that we, just like the alcoholic, can "forget" that a relapse is o nly ever one drink away. It only takes one to bring down the house. We want so badly to believe that the bad stuff is all over that we become complacent.
As Katchie pointed out...you now know what to do. You are no l onger the novice; you have been down this road before.
Yes, he is probably filled with agony and shame, inside, himself. Based on my own experience with relapse...I would not scold, etc. THIS IS FOR HIM TO TOTALLY BARE.
Neither would I try to make him feel better.
He knows the drill very well from AA. He has a sponsor to help him...and, there are meetings every day where a whole room full of people will help him.
Remember that he is still in EARLY recovery. While 13mo. surely seem like victory to you....it is still very EARLY in recovery. Some call 3yrs....and, others will call 5yrs. still EARLY recovery.
The boy still has a lot to learn about recovery...LOL! In case he didn't think so..in case he lured himself into thinking that he "had this whipped"....this is an important event in the learning curve for him.
Right now..for you...your own program is the most important thing. that is what will help you navigate your way....
dandylion
I also think that we, just like the alcoholic, can "forget" that a relapse is o nly ever one drink away. It only takes one to bring down the house. We want so badly to believe that the bad stuff is all over that we become complacent.
As Katchie pointed out...you now know what to do. You are no l onger the novice; you have been down this road before.
Yes, he is probably filled with agony and shame, inside, himself. Based on my own experience with relapse...I would not scold, etc. THIS IS FOR HIM TO TOTALLY BARE.
Neither would I try to make him feel better.
He knows the drill very well from AA. He has a sponsor to help him...and, there are meetings every day where a whole room full of people will help him.
Remember that he is still in EARLY recovery. While 13mo. surely seem like victory to you....it is still very EARLY in recovery. Some call 3yrs....and, others will call 5yrs. still EARLY recovery.
The boy still has a lot to learn about recovery...LOL! In case he didn't think so..in case he lured himself into thinking that he "had this whipped"....this is an important event in the learning curve for him.
Right now..for you...your own program is the most important thing. that is what will help you navigate your way....
dandylion
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I'm sorry. My heart breaks for you. By any chance did you two make an agreement on how to proceed? I'd focus on the baby and you.
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/d...eagreement.pdf
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/d...eagreement.pdf
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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My XAH relapsed throughout my pregnancy -- it's what brought me to SR.
My XAH was off the wagon within a week of DD3's birth -- whether he was ever ON the wagon is debatable in hindsight. He was in rehab by the time she was a month old. I recovered from a c-section on my own and went back to work after my maternity leave while he was in a fancy rehab in the woods finding himself. When he came home, he didn't do the things the rehab recommended to stay sober, and was drinking again openly within the year. At her first birthday party, I smelled alcohol on his breath. A month later, on our wedding anniversary, he fell off the wagon. We went camping for our anniversary and disappeared for a long time that night from the tent. I knew then. That week, when I called him on it, he took another relapse vacation off the grid while our families and I were home, worried, wondering where the hell he was. It happened to fall on my son's birthday as well -- it was the third? time he was missing on my son's birthday. We deserved way better than that. I kicked him out for good after that and we are divorced now. I did childbirth and early infancy for my daughter basically alone, hoping he'd get better, and it was soul-crushing and all-consuming at a time when both of my kids really needed me.
Having been through that, and seeing you're at 36 weeks, just assemble your support team so you're ready for baby regardless of what he's doing. Parents, friends, doula, midwife, doctor, siblings, whoever you trust that can help you with this.
Meanwhile, take extra-good care of yourself, drink warm teas, sit under cozy blankets, put a dog or a cat or a kid in your lap and snuggle, read a good book, put your feet in your fluffiest socks. This is what my counselor from that time advised me to do, and it did help soothe the heartbreak a little.
Thinking of you. <3
My XAH was off the wagon within a week of DD3's birth -- whether he was ever ON the wagon is debatable in hindsight. He was in rehab by the time she was a month old. I recovered from a c-section on my own and went back to work after my maternity leave while he was in a fancy rehab in the woods finding himself. When he came home, he didn't do the things the rehab recommended to stay sober, and was drinking again openly within the year. At her first birthday party, I smelled alcohol on his breath. A month later, on our wedding anniversary, he fell off the wagon. We went camping for our anniversary and disappeared for a long time that night from the tent. I knew then. That week, when I called him on it, he took another relapse vacation off the grid while our families and I were home, worried, wondering where the hell he was. It happened to fall on my son's birthday as well -- it was the third? time he was missing on my son's birthday. We deserved way better than that. I kicked him out for good after that and we are divorced now. I did childbirth and early infancy for my daughter basically alone, hoping he'd get better, and it was soul-crushing and all-consuming at a time when both of my kids really needed me.
Having been through that, and seeing you're at 36 weeks, just assemble your support team so you're ready for baby regardless of what he's doing. Parents, friends, doula, midwife, doctor, siblings, whoever you trust that can help you with this.
Meanwhile, take extra-good care of yourself, drink warm teas, sit under cozy blankets, put a dog or a cat or a kid in your lap and snuggle, read a good book, put your feet in your fluffiest socks. This is what my counselor from that time advised me to do, and it did help soothe the heartbreak a little.
Thinking of you. <3
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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God, I can't tell you how awful I feel for you. My AXBF, like many others here, never managed to stay sober for more than a few weeks, so I never really experienced what it must be like to live with someone in recovery for an extended period of time. You must feel devastated. I second what justbreathe said. relapses happen. It's part of the process, and most of us accept that. If he is serious about going back into recovery, then I would let him stay. If not, well...you probably know what you need to do.
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You know what? I have NO advice on a relapse, but I do want to mention here that since you are VERY VERY close to having that baby 
that you need to focus on you. I understand that I am advising the near IMPOSSIBLE. But I like what dandylion said about not scolding and just letting HIM deal with the relapse. You are going to have a baby soon!!! And YOU are going to be ok!
Hugs
that you need to focus on you. I understand that I am advising the near IMPOSSIBLE. But I like what dandylion said about not scolding and just letting HIM deal with the relapse. You are going to have a baby soon!!! And YOU are going to be ok!Hugs
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Originally Posted by SpouseRecovery 
Now what? Where do we go from here? I realize relapses happen. But I really thought there would be signs. I really thought he'd come to me sooner if there were a temptation. I didn't think he'd lie again.
My RAH relapsed after 2 yrs sober, it really can happen any time. I've read an unfortunate number of stories from people relapsing after 5, 10, 20 yrs sober. So sad. I'm really sorry your AH chose this time to relapse, when you really need a strong, present partner.
From here you keep the focus on you , IMO, especially at this stage of your pregnancy. Maybe take some time to figure out some boundaries? His relapse is HIS just as much as his addiction is his to manage, it's not anything you can DO anything about. You are better served making sure YOUR needs are met & making sure you have support during this time.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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I agree with what everyone is saying about focusing on you and your impending baby, especially the part about surrounding yourself with warmth, love, and the help you need.
Also, I remembered an analogy from "Beyond Addiction" that seems like it might be useful, depending on what your A is planning to do now. The authors point out that if someone goes on a diet for 13 months and then, one day, eats an entire pie, we don't say that their whole diet was for naught. They still get credit for what they accomplished, and, hopefully, they can learn from the pie day how to get back on track. But as others have pointed out, that's for him to figure out, not you. Take care.
Also, I remembered an analogy from "Beyond Addiction" that seems like it might be useful, depending on what your A is planning to do now. The authors point out that if someone goes on a diet for 13 months and then, one day, eats an entire pie, we don't say that their whole diet was for naught. They still get credit for what they accomplished, and, hopefully, they can learn from the pie day how to get back on track. But as others have pointed out, that's for him to figure out, not you. Take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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My xah never went into recovery. But pregnancies seemed to bring out the binge drinker in him. And the new babies. Alcoholic or not, I think pregnancies can make some men feel alone, stressed, left out. I'm not sure because I am not a guy, but I have heard from some of my guy friends that it's tough. In a different way than it is for us.
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I like the pie analogy, thank you. That helps because I am almost ashamed for anyone else to know because I'm afraid that our family and friends will see him as a failure. The year before he got sober was an extremely tough one and everyone, our friends and family, including myself, wanted to give up on him. I knew I was taking a huge risk giving him another chance and I defended him to everyone. It took a long time for him to get back into everyone's good graces and I guess I am also afraid that might be tarnished if everyone (my family especially) knew. I realize I carry some of the burden for him, and that's my thing. As for stressing out about it, I wish I could not worry about it, but easier said than done. I've forced myself to eat some almonds and drink some water, but I think the uncertainty of what waits for me at home and the next step is a bit daunting right now. I truly hope he can bounce back and I realize this doesn't mean everything is ruined, but it's just so hard for my mind not to go there. It's almost as if it's PTSD and it's October of last year all over again.
He woke up this morning as I left for work around 6:30. I didn't yell, I didn't really question. I kept it short, kept it civil. He said he was sorry and I simply said, "I know." He asked me to give him a ride to his truck, I said no. I put his keys and wallet somewhere safe, partly to give myself some peace of mind, and told him to call his sponsor. I kept my routine the same. Took our daughter to child care, went to work, and smiled for my students like nothing was wrong.
He woke up this morning as I left for work around 6:30. I didn't yell, I didn't really question. I kept it short, kept it civil. He said he was sorry and I simply said, "I know." He asked me to give him a ride to his truck, I said no. I put his keys and wallet somewhere safe, partly to give myself some peace of mind, and told him to call his sponsor. I kept my routine the same. Took our daughter to child care, went to work, and smiled for my students like nothing was wrong.
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Well I made it over the first bump--coming home to see what I'd find. He was tired and feeling horrible--both physically and mentally. He attended 2 AA meetings yesterday but decided against a third after dinner last night because he was afraid he might be too tempted to stop and buy alcohol because he was feeling so sick and knew that would be an instant, although temporary, fix. We spoke candidly and I admitted my once rock solid trust had been shaken. I wasn't around him in his first months of recovery last time because we were separated. What can I expect? Advice?
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