dandylion

PinkPeony....I would like to suggest that you contact your local Domestic Abuse organization for your area. (Verbal abuse qualifies you for help).

They have a wealth of resources at their fingertips to offer you in whatever way you might need.
May I ask....what particular challenges do you see in trying to get away?

dandylion

pinkpeony

Dandylion, I've been trying to get up the time and emotional energy to post about my situation here. I need to. It's complicated.
In short, I am a nurse. I fell into an extremely deep depression (I think nervous breakdownk-ish) in May and got fired for my job due to 6 absences in a 12 month time period (they have a "no-fault" absence policy, 6 in a year and your out, no matter why) ANYHOW, at this time my AH and were separated. I obviously ran out of money, he came back.
I spent months unable to function. Of course, with AH being the only one working, he spends his pay check as he sees fit. He's usually pretty good about the bills but since he's alcoholic and smokes pot daily, you can image the money goes fast.
So. My student loans fell into arrears, during this time period, I was so depressed I didn't care to even open the notices or try and take care of the issue. Eventually the student loan company made a complaint on my license to the state Nursing Board, so when a potential employer goes to the Board of Nursing website to verify my license, as they must, they see a statement that my license is being investigated and the reason is confidential. Even if I let the employer know on the application/at the interview no one is going to hire a nurse who the board of nursing is investigating, the employer doesn't know if I'm being truthful. So anyhow, I'm still not even sure of my mental health, I don't feel up to snuff to go back to work as a nurse, my brain still feels very foggy, I'm having panic attacks, I don't feel like myself. I can't remember anything, ect. I'm doing better than I was say in the summer but still have huge social anxiety (there's another reason for that to be discussed in a later post maybe) and don't feel strong enough to go interview for ANY job right now. But I have to very soon. Any job.
So there's the employment/major depression/mental health issue.

Another issue is that my car is disabled and has been for about 8 weeks. We live in the country, the nearest towns don't have public transportation either.
Hopefully, in two weeks my car will be fixed, at least thats what AH tells me.

I/we are totally broke. Living completely paycheck to paycheck. AH is highly functional in his job (thankfully) It will be a very long time before I get my car fixed, find a job of any sorts, get my student loans back in a good status, fix my license with the board of nursing, save up enough money to start all over with a new place to live and all of the expenses of relocating. It's overwhelming.

Also, we live in a small town, there are two high schools. The last of our 7 kids is a senior and will graduate in May. I refuse to move her right now and add to her stress level. Moving may necessitate a change in schools and at this point, I refuse to do that to her. She has huge anxiety issues herself.
I'm trying to bide my time and keep things as easy as I can (though I feel neither way is easy.) The kids have out up with so much over the years, with this youngest daughter seeing the worst of it. I'm trying to do all I can to keep things peaceful and as steady as I can here (yes, I know that's almost laughable....)

And no, I have no family or friends nearby. I'm a huge introvert, I have social anxiety that is worse now than it's ever been, I have one friend locally who is in the midst of her own husband leaving her suddenly for another woman, so she is barely hanging on.
My family knows most of the situation, they don't help financially. Honestly, I have two siblings - both brothers who are doing very well financially & personally who pretty much just shake their heads and judge me, my marriage to AH and my "depression." My mom is mentally ill and can barely make it day by day herself and is not of any help. My father abandoned the family when I was 13yo (and yes, he was an alcoholic) and never looked back, pretended like we never existed. Other than that I have an 85 yo recently widowed grandma who lives back in my home town 11 hours away.

So. I figure it will take me to at least May before all of the above is resolved. My daughter will be going off to college in the Fall.
I will be 43yo and able to leave my AH (I don't want to, but in reality, I know I MUST) and start a new life.
I will have no more children at home, I will be divorcing, there are days that I am actually really looking forward to a brand new start and life. And there are days it scares the hell out of me.

PHIZ007

I often get in a slurred drunken raging way at 10pm at night...

'YOU HAVE TO STOP BLAMING ME For SUE's AND YOUR MOTHER'S DEATHS!'

My best friend Sue sadly died from suicide in 2007 and My Mum passed away last April 2014 (she had been ill for 20 years).

Now I am through all the hurt in relation to that part of the drunken abuse...It actually makes me LOL that he thinks this as never have I even remotely blamed him for either death as first and foremost I never thought him responsible atall....they both died in the UK and we were living in Australia?!...need I say more.

His 2 + 2 = 68 again!!....

Thank god for my humour as I used to verbally fight back but learnt along my journey that got me nowhere...just hurt frustrated and in a frazzle....

More Quacking from the AH.

I am hoping off the merry go round (it's taken me a long time to get this far)
Phiz :0)

PHIZ007

Pinkpeony..take it one day at a time hun.

We all have to do that. Tiny baby steps.....this is a great place to 'hang out'.

I have been off these boards for ages working hard on myself but still living with my AH. But after years of educating myself I am slowly getting there....

Take what you need from the thread and leave the rest.

Wishing you the very best. The journey sucks! but it is so so good to know we are not alone! I am back in the UK now after 12 years in Australia.....Take Care of YOU Phiz :0)

dandylion

pinkpeony....it appears, to me, that the most acute of your challenges, at this time, are your mental health issues. I assume that you are not receiving any care, right now.
I assume..but, I don't know, that you don't have any insurance?
Nevertheless, it is vital that you get support in this area. As you know..how you FEEL has the biggest impact on ability to cope with all the other issues.

How much does your husband keep you in the house and limit your ability to get to town...to appointments...etc? Also, do you happen to have a church of any kind in your community?

dandylion

pinkpeony

I haven't had insurance all of this time, but my doctor has refilled my anti-depressant (which isn't doing it's job fully I know) a few times. I was out walking my dogs in my yard two weeks ago and passed out. Since I am also chronically anemic, I went to the ER. (my muscles in my hands contracted after I came to, where I couldn't even move my hand/fingers out of the position they were "frozen" in so that scared me and I went to the ER) Anyhow, the financial lady set me up for provisional medicaid, so that's in the works for now. I can't go to any doctors until I get my managed coverage organization number and getting it has been an extrememly frustrating run around with the state. As soon as I can, I'll be going back to the doctor and hopefully psychiatrist. But I already know the answer and what they are going to say.....get out of my situation. At least they will adjust/try new meds.
I also need either blood or IV iron infusions, I know that too.

Anyhow, AH doesn't really restrict me from going places. He does get a little bit controlling by calling and asking where I am and how long I'm going to be gone if I'm gone for a few hours.
This summer he was verbally attacking me and I told him I was leaving, that I wasn't sticking around to listen to him attack me or to argue with him. So, I went to try and leave in my car and he sat on my back bumper. When that didn't work he came around to the front of the car and kicked the door panel.
He broke his foot.

I do have a church I've been waiting to start attending once my car is fixed, about a 15 min drive from me. And al-anon too.

thequest

I've even seen this childish tact at work for simply following the rules on a regular basis people get frustrated with you not bending/braking the rules daily. I think many actually think their normal is your normal and get frustrated when it isn't. "leveling" was mentioned and is what is probably going on.

I find it best with people get that frustrated is to ignore or not engage.

Peace