barelybreathing

I don' t really know where to begin but all I know is I let my ex ABF back into my life and now I am sad, hurt and broken all over again. He came back the day before new years eve promising me that he was done with the women, the lies, the vodka, he wanted to get help he wanted to go to rehab. We had an awesome new years eve he drank just enough to keep the withdrawal symptoms away but was very loving and attentive. We couldn't get him into rehab right away and he had some time off of work so we decided to get out of the cold weather and go to Florida for a couple of days until he could get into rehab. The first days were amazing we had a great time, he again only drank enough to keep the withdrawal symptoms away. But something changed and he was back to drinking his normal 2 pints a day of vodka and then he got violent like he always does and that was the end of our perfect time away. We came home and he asked me to marry him, I said no and that broke my heart to do that but until he decides he really wants to get help and get sober we can't be together it's too hard. He immediately told me to get out of the house, that was Sunday night and he has been drinking non stop since, he won't talk to me and he hasn't gone to work this week at all. Oh and rehab isn't even an option anymore. He has one of his backup women staying with him and she let's him drink so he is happy or so he says when he sent me a text yesterday. he refuses to talk to me won't answer my texts and right now I'm just so very scared for him. I know I can't control what he's doing but it's killing me to know that he's throwing everything away for vodka. I am in so much pain myself because I believed what he said I believed that this time it was going to be different. I really was in such a good place when he came back ...i have really been working the program and now I'm just a mess again, scared for him and scared for me. I'm trying to let go and let God , but i am so scared he's going to kill himself with how much he is drinking. how do I let go of the pain that I am in? I feel like I have taken 20 steps backwards and then back to crying everyday no appetite and not really caring about anything. How stupid was I to let him back into my life I'm the one that brought this hard on me I was stupid enough to believe what he says, and now I'm hurting worse than ever.

NerdlyBeauty

BB, I am in a similar situation, and let me tell you...from my personal and painful experience, the best thing I ever did was completely cut him out of my life. I unfriended him on facebook, blocked his number on my phone from texts and calls, etc. Sure, I have to tell our six year old son he won't be seeing his father for a long time, maybe never. And it hurts like HELL to have to do this. But you know what? In time, the hurt goes away. the chaos is gone, my mind is quiet and peaceful. I hope this helps

Sungrl

I did the same thing. My X came crawling back as well. He was a changed man and everything was going to be hunky dory until.........he got ahold of my bank card and stole some fun money. He proceeded to blow 300 bucks in two days and he ripped out my heart again......Do I feel bad for him??

F*** no. I hate his guts. I think he is the lowest of the low. He is a thief and a con artist. I find those to be his good traits.

My point.....get mad, move on, get yourself back to where you were and don't let it happen again. He is showing you who he is, just like mine.

That's just what they do and it sucks for us until we can finally see them for what they are. Then we can let go.

dandylion

barelybreathing....maybe, this is the universe telling you that it is time to do some serious self-work and find out why you keep hurting yourself (and, how to stop it).

What do you think?

dandylion

Katchie

You're going to get thru this. You will. It's ok, you're not stupid, you gave it a try and now you're grieving what could have been. Who wouldn't? The steps you took to get healthy last time are still there for you. Give yourself time, you will heal again.
Cry it all out...Hugs, hon.

ardy

Hi Babe... we all have been in that spot.. yep.. tried our best and for that man it was not good enough.. never is kiddo.. you can't change a skunk with a smell ever... you can find the right guy that has a few rough edges and as long as he does not try to destory life around you and him ... it might work... the key there is might... wow I feel so bad for you.. and yet know just how you feel .. it was to be better and it only got worse... prayers from so many of us to have your path lite with a better light.. you hold tight to this group of Ladies. for the best information is from those that have fought the battle and lived to tell of it.. ardy

NerdlyBeauty

LOL! Sorry...I feel the same way about my XABF, and he did the same thing to me with my debit card, and then tried to convince me I bought all that beer. So this made me smile

barelybreathing

thank you everyone for your responses. I'm doing a little better after getting some sleep. Yes I'm going to start working on my steps again and will really work hard to try and figure out why I keep letting him back in to hurt me.

hopeful4

So, now you know it was a mistake. That's OK. We all have let them in our lives way too long. You cannot change the past, but you sure as hell can change your future.

Stop putting the focus on him and worrying about him. Let him and his "backup" women worry. And, go get tested for any and all STD's if that applies.

I am sorry. You deserve so much more. Let Go and Let God just as your pic says!

XXX

NYCDoglvr

We keep letting them back into our lives because denial and rationalization are as big a part of codependency as they are of alcoholism. It took me longer than I'm willing to publicly admit to finally cut the ties permanently, when I really "got it." I was deeply ashamed that I let myself be abused and disrespected to the degree I was and ended up going to Alanon on my hands and knees. But today I run when encountering anyone who might have an addiction.

Timeiskey

NYC- I look forward to the day when I will totally "get it". I keep thinking that I do, but little kernels of hope and denial keep cropping up. I am in NC mostly except for the occasional "hello" on the street, but it is still so very painful. I think back to the most recent set of lies and the tug and pull that he tried with me. It's funny, because everyone around me keep saying he is a bad guy, and for some reason, it is really hard for me to accept that yes, in fact, he is really that bad of a person.

theuncertainty

OK. I can understand this. I had to step back and stop looking at AXH, at him. I had to look at his actions. Without all of his excuses and sorries, without all of my excuses. Without the 'mitigating' factors. Like a police report "Just the facts, ma'am." I tried to look at his actions as if I was kind of like an 'agent' who had to disclose EVERYTHING while pitching him as a qualified contender for a job or role. It started to help me see he wasn't all that great. Pretending that one of my nieces had come home and told me all this about their new beau had me horrified - I wanted to take her by the shoulders and shake her while asking "What.are.you.THINKING? He's an A----LE!"

And it's weird, that I couldn't see it when I thought about him, or about he and I, but if I could look at his actions detached from all other factors, I could. I'm not saying it was easy, because it wasn't.

NYCDoglvr

Time ... as I said, it's a process. I increased Alanon meetings and the support I got there helped me get over the hump. Looking back, when I was making decisions to engage another time, I didn't share those thoughts with anyone because I knew what they'd say. That's why the Big Book says we must be "honest and willing" to recover (see Chapter 5 in How in Works). Try not to beat yourself up, it doesn't help. Imagine that a close friend is telling you this story: chances are you wouldn't call him/her an idiot.

Eauchiche

I am so sorry for all the stories I see here. I don't mean to make light of them at all, but this reminds me of Jerry Springer.
I understand now why a friend of mine, whose late ex husband was an Alcoholic, told me she was trying to figure out which frying pan to use to bash his head in the middle of the night!

NerdlyBeauty

Humor and laughing at all the ridiculousness is what gets me through this hell. Because the behavior is RIDICULOUS.

atalose

One of the things that took me several break ups and make ups to learn was:

NEVER believe an addicts words – only their actions.

I think we put all our hopes and dreams and expectations into those words because OUR loneliness and pain become unbearable. Often without realizing it, we look not only to the most damaged person in our lives, but the one who caused all the pain to fix it.

The only way to free yourself of this pain is to go all the way through it and stop trying to reach out to the one who caused it with text messages or renting him free space in your mind.

Try not to envy this other woman – instead thank G*D you are not her. Than quietly to yourself thank her for taking away your trash.

marie1960

he refuses to talk to me won't answer my texts and right now I'm just so very scared for him. I know I can't control what he's doing but it's killing me to know that he's throwing everything away for vodka.

Are your willing to go no contact?

Why are you afraid for him? He is an adult he can figure it out, afterall his was able to call one of his "back-up" women to come stay with him.

If that don't take the cake I don't know what does, absolutely disgusting, You are going to be So much better off once you get him out of your head, and that is a promise,

Goes to show you how much respect he has........... good grief!

marie1960

sorry double post