Help Holiday Nightmare
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
Help Holiday Nightmare
Hello everyone. I have been dealing with my husbands addiction for many years. This past Christmas was just too much. Christmas dinner consisted of him guzzling all the wine at the table and him cursing my mother and sister. He's currently on probation for his 2nd drink driving yet it doesn't seem to stop him driving across town to the neighboring package store. I went to the family group at his last rehab and they basically told me that he suffers from a disease. I think it's complete nonsense and will never agree that it is a real disease. He was sober a total of 2 weeks after his last rehab so I'm angry at him. We have a 17 year old and a 15 year old and I am frightened that they will find his stash of liquor that he hides throughout the house. Help............!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
You have every right to be angry. I agree that it can be hard to grasp the idea of alcoholism as a disease.
If it's a greater understanding of the condition you are seeking, AA often refers to it as a Spiritual Malady...
Hope this helps, I'm not sure if it's what you are looking for; http://alcoholrehab.com/alcoholism/a...efold-disease/
If it's a greater understanding of the condition you are seeking, AA often refers to it as a Spiritual Malady...
Hope this helps, I'm not sure if it's what you are looking for; http://alcoholrehab.com/alcoholism/a...efold-disease/
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Mylaststraw, Welcome to SR!
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I know that most of us on the Friends and Family forum can certainly relate and probably have similar stories we could share. We get it, believe me.
I wish we could let you in on some secret thing to do or say to get your husband to stop drinking, but sadly, no such thing exists. Achieving and maintaining sobriety has to come from within him. He has to want it more than he wants anything else.
One thread that really helped me a lot when I first found SR is this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
If your husband does not believe he has a problem and he does not want to get help for himself, my experience has been that there will not be much you can do. You do have control over what is acceptable behavior around you and your children.
Although I am so sorry for the reasons why you found SR, I'm glad you have! You will find a ton of support and answers here, and a place to vent anytime. I am sorry no one was immediately around to answer you plea, but Midnight on Sunday is typically a low-traffic time on this U.S.-based board.
Sending you hugs and prayers!
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I know that most of us on the Friends and Family forum can certainly relate and probably have similar stories we could share. We get it, believe me.
I wish we could let you in on some secret thing to do or say to get your husband to stop drinking, but sadly, no such thing exists. Achieving and maintaining sobriety has to come from within him. He has to want it more than he wants anything else.
One thread that really helped me a lot when I first found SR is this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
If your husband does not believe he has a problem and he does not want to get help for himself, my experience has been that there will not be much you can do. You do have control over what is acceptable behavior around you and your children.
Although I am so sorry for the reasons why you found SR, I'm glad you have! You will find a ton of support and answers here, and a place to vent anytime. I am sorry no one was immediately around to answer you plea, but Midnight on Sunday is typically a low-traffic time on this U.S.-based board.
Sending you hugs and prayers!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Originally Posted by Seren 
I am sorry no one was immediately around to answer you plea, but Midnight on Sunday is typically a low-traffic time on this U.S.-based board.
I did the best I could!Hope all works out for you MyLastStraw, loads of people in similar positions on here to offer some perspective. All the best
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Not at all negating your contribution, stratman! Sometimes, newcomers, like Mylaststraw, get anxious when there are not a lot of responses to their threads. I was just explaining why there was not a lot of traffic at 12 a.m.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Welcome Mylaststraw! This is a great place to start. I also deal with an AH. He is functional at the moment but that does not make my situation any better.
Reading thru these threads and my Al-Anon support has helped me to carry on for myself and our children.
Keep coming back!
Reading thru these threads and my Al-Anon support has helped me to carry on for myself and our children.
Keep coming back!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The "family group" at his rehab was focused on HIS well-being, not yours. I suggest you check out Al-Anon, which is focused entirely on YOUR recovery.
I happen to believe alcoholism IS a disease--I suffer from it too (and I've been in two marriages to alcoholics), and being able to stay dry for two weeks after rehab doesn't mean he doesn't suffer from it.
But put that aside for right now. Al-Anon can help you get your head on straight so you can make good choices for yourself and your kids. Nothing you do can force him to quit drinking. What healthy boundaries can you make for yourself that will reduce the negative impact on you and your kids from his drinking?
Welcome, you're in the right place.
I happen to believe alcoholism IS a disease--I suffer from it too (and I've been in two marriages to alcoholics), and being able to stay dry for two weeks after rehab doesn't mean he doesn't suffer from it.
But put that aside for right now. Al-Anon can help you get your head on straight so you can make good choices for yourself and your kids. Nothing you do can force him to quit drinking. What healthy boundaries can you make for yourself that will reduce the negative impact on you and your kids from his drinking?
Welcome, you're in the right place.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with Lexie. Any rehab is going to be focused on HIS recovery, and concerned with his well being.
You need support for yourself and your children. You may want to consider getting the assistance of a counselor who help familes with addiction. I did so and it helped me greatly.
I may be wrong here, and forgive me if I am, but you sound very desperate in your post. I am going to tell you something that it hard to hear, but very truthful. There are three C's that apply:
You did not Cause it
You cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it
And I am guessing that it is a violation of his probation to be drinking. That is nothing to take lightly. Please plan for yourself and your children.
You need support for yourself and your children. You may want to consider getting the assistance of a counselor who help familes with addiction. I did so and it helped me greatly.
I may be wrong here, and forgive me if I am, but you sound very desperate in your post. I am going to tell you something that it hard to hear, but very truthful. There are three C's that apply:
You did not Cause it
You cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it
And I am guessing that it is a violation of his probation to be drinking. That is nothing to take lightly. Please plan for yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome straw,
I can see why you are on your last one.
So what are you doing for you? Do you have a job? Can you toss him out and still pay the mortgage and kid's health insurance, etc?
I suspect he attacks your family members because they support you and rooting for you?
How do the kids react to having such a raving maniac in the house?
Time to react to his behavior in a new way, don't you think?
As for the disease argument, there is a genetic and environmental component to alcoholism. Let's pray your kids don't have that genetic component and you can work to clean up their environment too. Actually, one of the things that made me act on my H was the fact I was teaching my son I was a push over. I kept putting up with my H's behavior. So I stopped. Now my son calls me a BAMF. Yep. I have rep to retain.
The book that helped me formulate my new response was Codependent No More - Melody Beattie.
Take a deep breath and think how you want to change your response to the drama and madness his addiction creates in your family home.
I can see why you are on your last one.
So what are you doing for you? Do you have a job? Can you toss him out and still pay the mortgage and kid's health insurance, etc?
I suspect he attacks your family members because they support you and rooting for you?
How do the kids react to having such a raving maniac in the house?
Time to react to his behavior in a new way, don't you think?
As for the disease argument, there is a genetic and environmental component to alcoholism. Let's pray your kids don't have that genetic component and you can work to clean up their environment too. Actually, one of the things that made me act on my H was the fact I was teaching my son I was a push over. I kept putting up with my H's behavior. So I stopped. Now my son calls me a BAMF. Yep. I have rep to retain.
The book that helped me formulate my new response was Codependent No More - Melody Beattie.
Take a deep breath and think how you want to change your response to the drama and madness his addiction creates in your family home.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry that one person took your family's Christmas gathering hostage. I remember being completely worried and focused on AXH through out family holiday gatherings: how many has he had to drink, did he have a chance to get into his hidden stashes before we left the house, how do I get him to leave if he starts acting completely rude and obnoxious....
I also get the not wanting to call addiction a disease; I've thought the same thing as you. But I also have first hand experience in seeing how a family member's refusal to manage a chronic disease can be similar to a loved one's addiction: My Uncle K was diagnosed with diabetes when he was older (my cousins and I were out of college). He refused to follow all of the recommendations that his doctor gave him, or would follow them for a while and then stop. So there were a lot of complications, a lot of health problems, related to his refusal to treat his diabetes. The drama created by some of those complications, did affect us. It's not that he didn't get it, he did, but... IDK. He chose to keep cooking and eating meals that he shouldn't; he chose to not implement a lot of the lifestyle changes he needed. He stubbornly only listened to parts of what his wife and kids would tell him that he was supposed to be doing. Having to take him to the the hospital to deal with some of the effects was not easy on my cousins or his wife, and indirectly, because of worry, on the rest of us. My uncle had a disease that he chose not to treat correctly. Ultimately, complications from that refusal took him from us earlier than if he'd treated it.
I can now see that my AXH has a disease that he chooses to not treat. Watching his refusal to treat his addiction is not much different from watching Uncle K not treat his diabetes. IDK if any of that helps. I do know that just because I understand it that it's a disease, doesn't make dealing with the fallout any easier. It doesn't let AXH off the hook; after all, he is still not getting treatment.
Have you considered looking for Alateen meeting for your kids? That might help them start to come to terms with their father's alcoholism and help them make better decisions about alcohol (if they were to find their dad's hidden bottles). What can we do to help support you?
I also get the not wanting to call addiction a disease; I've thought the same thing as you. But I also have first hand experience in seeing how a family member's refusal to manage a chronic disease can be similar to a loved one's addiction: My Uncle K was diagnosed with diabetes when he was older (my cousins and I were out of college). He refused to follow all of the recommendations that his doctor gave him, or would follow them for a while and then stop. So there were a lot of complications, a lot of health problems, related to his refusal to treat his diabetes. The drama created by some of those complications, did affect us. It's not that he didn't get it, he did, but... IDK. He chose to keep cooking and eating meals that he shouldn't; he chose to not implement a lot of the lifestyle changes he needed. He stubbornly only listened to parts of what his wife and kids would tell him that he was supposed to be doing. Having to take him to the the hospital to deal with some of the effects was not easy on my cousins or his wife, and indirectly, because of worry, on the rest of us. My uncle had a disease that he chose not to treat correctly. Ultimately, complications from that refusal took him from us earlier than if he'd treated it.
I can now see that my AXH has a disease that he chooses to not treat. Watching his refusal to treat his addiction is not much different from watching Uncle K not treat his diabetes. IDK if any of that helps. I do know that just because I understand it that it's a disease, doesn't make dealing with the fallout any easier. It doesn't let AXH off the hook; after all, he is still not getting treatment.
Have you considered looking for Alateen meeting for your kids? That might help them start to come to terms with their father's alcoholism and help them make better decisions about alcohol (if they were to find their dad's hidden bottles). What can we do to help support you?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by CodeJob
BAMF. Yep. I have rep to retain.
Would like to see that on a Butterfly Chip for you, CJ. ===========
LastStraw . . . .
It will take some patience on the path back out.
Likely took you some years to get in the mess, so try to be patient on the path out.
But to tell you the truth -- once you start on the Getting Better Path, the only Speed Limits on the way to Getting Better are the ones we impose upon ourselves.
But Fast or Slow -- the Program(s), Steps, and Recovery are all very patient, have been waiting for you and others to try for some years, and fortunately likely to be around for some years to come.
Sooooo. You ready to get Started?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
Thanks everyone. We were unable to get the kids many gifts for Christmas due to my husbands DWI and probation fines. He also totaled the second car we used for emergencies. I think I should get my name off the other car we own. Because he continues to stop at the bar after work and drink for hours. His rehab made it seem like I have to be very supportive in his disease or else he will relapse. Of course, he only stayed sober for a week after leaving rehab.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw
Thanks everyone. We were unable to get the kids many gifts for Christmas due to my husbands DWI and probation fines. He also totaled the second car we used for emergencies. I think I should get my name off the other car we own. Because he continues to stop at the bar after work and drink for hours. His rehab made it seem like I have to be very supportive in his disease or else he will relapse. Of course, he only stayed sober for a week after leaving rehab.
Only thing in this realm that I know costs more than DWIs are Rehabs.
But once you get a ways into this -- that stuff will fall behind like nothing more of old stories of How Things Used to Be. Or at least can, if you will let them. Hard to say how things will go for [y]our A's -- but at least you can get better -- and THAT will make things better for your kids, too.
Dunno if you noticed -- You have Husband, He, and Him in there something like 6 times in just one paragraph?
Getting better on THIS Side is about Us / We (Friends and Family, that is) and ME and YOU.
Not so much about Him or Her -- the A's as it were.
Most of here already know pretty much everything there is to know about A's.
Not so much by choice -- we just all have a common, shared experience.
But we do not yet know much about you?
So. How are YOU doing?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I am sorry that the rehab basically told you that you are responsible for whether or not your husband relapses. I would have to disagree with that statement. His drinking or his recovery are all up to him.
I understand how furious you have felt sometimes. I understand how frustrated and exhausted you must feel now. Support for you is very important. Many members here are able to get face-to-face support through programs like Al-Anon, SMART, Celebrate Recovery, etc. Some members just use SR as their primary source of support.
Vent away here any time you need! I hope you will also read as much as you can--especially the 'stickies' at the top of the forum. They contain a lot of great information! Please take good care of yourself!!
I understand how furious you have felt sometimes. I understand how frustrated and exhausted you must feel now. Support for you is very important. Many members here are able to get face-to-face support through programs like Al-Anon, SMART, Celebrate Recovery, etc. Some members just use SR as their primary source of support.
Vent away here any time you need! I hope you will also read as much as you can--especially the 'stickies' at the top of the forum. They contain a lot of great information! Please take good care of yourself!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Straw,
your boys are older. Have you ever bought a few pizzas for dinner while H is at the bar and just asked them what they think of the situation? You are their sober parent. Do they have a voice in your family? Maybe the balance of power and focus needs to shift to those responsibly living their lives and working together? Because we all know your H's focus is on his addiction....
At the moment I finally started to cry in relief from kicking my H out, my son was only 11 and he was the one reassuring me. He told me I did the right thing - at age 11 he saw the situation much better than I did as an adult!
Kids. Breaking the cycle in the next generation... Keeps me up at night.
your boys are older. Have you ever bought a few pizzas for dinner while H is at the bar and just asked them what they think of the situation? You are their sober parent. Do they have a voice in your family? Maybe the balance of power and focus needs to shift to those responsibly living their lives and working together? Because we all know your H's focus is on his addiction....
At the moment I finally started to cry in relief from kicking my H out, my son was only 11 and he was the one reassuring me. He told me I did the right thing - at age 11 he saw the situation much better than I did as an adult!
Kids. Breaking the cycle in the next generation... Keeps me up at night.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I remember Christmas's like that, too. In our case, it was AXH blowing all of our money on buying whatever he was using, gifts for the crews at his work, him eating out everyday for almost every meal.... leaving us sitting in a cold house with a broken oven, making do with microwaved mac n cheese or soup. There were was a Christmas where if my family hadn't sent presents for DS, there would have been a package of clothes and a couple toys under the tree. (Heck, some Christmases since I left AXH have been just about as slim.)
It hurts to not be able to give DS something nice. I felt completely betrayed - this was not the life that I had envisioned for my family. I was mad as heck at AXH for not helping me provide it; I was mad at myself for being stuck there.
Vent away, if you need to. ((((hugs))))
It hurts to not be able to give DS something nice. I felt completely betrayed - this was not the life that I had envisioned for my family. I was mad as heck at AXH for not helping me provide it; I was mad at myself for being stuck there.
Vent away, if you need to. ((((hugs))))
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