LifeRecovery

Dear all-

I head home at the end of this week to spend some extended time with my family of origin (FOO). I asked some about this a number of weeks ago and the responses really helped me to narrow down what I was struggling with.

I feel good and strong in my recovery, but I am at a place where I am working on some old parts of me that are pretty engrained. Of course I will be triggered when I go home, that is just a natural part of this journey (and FOO stuff). Overall I am looking forward to the trip, but I struggle to take care of myself when I travel back home and want to try to work on that (what a great chance to).

I think what I would like to ask and get feedback on is how everyone has worked this part of your recovery? How has your interactions with your family changed since finding recovery? How do you take care of yourself around your family that is working for you? Many of you still live close to your FOO and I suspect that adds another layer of challenge but many of you write about overcoming it. Any tips, suggestions etc are welcome.

Most of the challenges in my life regarding the loved one that got me here are settled and I am looking forward to this next growth phase. Thanks

lillamy

Wow. That's a BIG question.

My family is a bunch of codies, every last one of them. Still, I'm the black sheep who codied too hard. They're far away; I don't see them all that often, but I struggle with applying the recovery principles to my relationship with them, maybe because there are SO many years of habitual interaction.

I'm more open and honest than I used to be. But I also don't feel like because they're my FOO they have a right to pry into every corner of my life (current or former). I think I'm more patient with them -- especially with my parents, who are elderly and not in good health. I've really come to a point where MOST OF THE TIME, I can remind myself that every time I see them could be the last time, and to make the best of it.

I find myself getting irritated with them -- especially the ones that are as controlling as I used to be.

One thing that has helped me is to continue trying to stay on my side of the fence. To stop those thoughts of "I wish my sister understood me" or "I wish my mom didn't ask questions about AXH" and just say "I can't control them, I just need to have prepared strategies.

So that's the other thing that's helped me. Prepared strategies. I have this aunt we call "the one-legged aunt" because she always has one foot in her mouth. The most tasteless, insensitive thing you can imagine -- she will say it. Every time. With her, I've started using Dear Abby's old response, "If you forgive me for not answering, I will forgive you for asking" -- and then changing the subject. With other relatives, I can say "Oh, I don't really feel like talking about that -- but I meant to ask you, did you do something new to your hair? It looks great!"

Dishonest? Maybe. Survival strategy? Absolutely. Works especially well for me with relatives I don't really care to have a closer relationship with.

LifeRecovery

Lillamy-

Thanks!

There is a lot of co-dependency in my family stuff (especially the side I am going to see). There is NOT a lot of talking about feelings (or asking inappropriate things), but there is alot of assumptions about reading minds, and HUGE issues around asking for help.

I am going home to help an uncle who had planned hip surgery. He is doing great. He is a lifelong bachelor and feels much better. He and my mother run a 100 head dairy farm together. My mother has been taking care of him, running the farm and making statements like "Oh we are all set and don't need any more help." To quote Charlette's Web we are not talking about two "spring chickens" here.

I am just starting to realize how unhealthy this dynamic is (and how much I do it).

Thanks so much I am trying to learn how to stay comfortable in my own skin....regardless of the chaos going on around me.

thotful

For me, some relationships changed dramatically while others stayed relatively the same. I wonder if there's a pattern there? The people that embraced the changes in me in being a better version of myself (I call it, thotful 2.0) tended to go with the flow. I am willing to bet the people that are wondering about their own addictions/behavior or are overly controlling or prying into others lives also happen to be the most UNcomfortable with my change. I've also stated that while people might see grand changes from me on the outside, I explain that all that's really happened is that the real thotful is no longer buried inside of me - the real thotful has come out. Some of my FOO, in my opinion, like the addict better (or the codie parts - of course they'll like my people-pleasing because it's where I change everything for their benefit - addicts/narcissists love that stuff!). I don't like myself as an addict, and I like my recovered self a lot better. Guess who'll win that argument in making the decision for MY LIFE. Yep, that would be ME. I will follow whatever path works for me and brings me health. I need my fellow travelers on the way - go to my meetings, etc. Let things go with the higher power and all that.

In the end, I'm feeling 1000 times better. "taller" emotionally than I've ever been. A confidence in my true self that I haven't felt...well ever. Strange that admitting fault as necessary, and speaking my truth can do that. I can't explain why the 12-steps have worked for me, but only that they have; So, I will keep working the program and getting better every day. One day at a time. Sometimes, one moment and one step at a time!