What have i done
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
What have i done
Re my last post, I think I'm falling for this man I have started to hang out with he has some serious substance abuse problems no where near as bad as my EXA but bad enough.. We are not exclusive or anything like that just attracted to each other... I feel sick in the stomach... Not wanting to let him go or our connection go but knowing I'll get hurt I just can't hang out with him anymore.. But so don't want to let this go because it's been so long since I've had feelings for someone... and company ... God what am I going to do
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
jmho. Not Alanon or ESH or nothing else.
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Go look in the mirror.
Acknowledge to yourself you are lonely.
Agree that you would like a man, a mate, a lover, (whatever you want to call this) in your life.
Agree You Do Not need an A (of most any flavor) in your life.
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Just takes him off the list.
Only leaves some Millions of other men on the Planet.
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Go look in the mirror.
Acknowledge to yourself you are lonely.
Agree that you would like a man, a mate, a lover, (whatever you want to call this) in your life.
Agree You Do Not need an A (of most any flavor) in your life.
==============
Just takes him off the list.
Only leaves some Millions of other men on the Planet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Substance abuse issues? I think the answer is clear and you're not ready to see it. Not something I would want to mess around with even in a friendship. Too much volatility and chaos for me and I know I wouldn't want to go there again.
FYI: You'll get hurt less if you let go now than if you hang onto him and continue getting closer and THEN decide to let him go or, god forbid, force him to go.
The choice is yours, it's your life but I think you know what you need to do.
FYI: You'll get hurt less if you let go now than if you hang onto him and continue getting closer and THEN decide to let him go or, god forbid, force him to go.
The choice is yours, it's your life but I think you know what you need to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I think the other posters are right.
You aren't fully emotionally disentangled / healed from your previous relationship.
Beginning another one with a know substance abuser, however familiar and comfortable it may feel, is a recipe for a serious emotional disaster.
It seems you are aware of this from your post but not wanting perhaps to accept it because you have some chemistry for this person.
I also think you know what you need to do and should do it right away.
When you are healed and ready, you will be able to attract and find the loving
person you and your baby need in your lives.
Another addict will not fill that empty space inside you, and we all know addiction is progressive anyway. Not a good bet.
You aren't fully emotionally disentangled / healed from your previous relationship.
Beginning another one with a know substance abuser, however familiar and comfortable it may feel, is a recipe for a serious emotional disaster.
It seems you are aware of this from your post but not wanting perhaps to accept it because you have some chemistry for this person.
I also think you know what you need to do and should do it right away.
When you are healed and ready, you will be able to attract and find the loving
person you and your baby need in your lives.
Another addict will not fill that empty space inside you, and we all know addiction is progressive anyway. Not a good bet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
It's not love, nor a "connection" dear, it's that codependency rearing it's ugly head. He's a fixer upper, we live for fixer uppers. He's comfortable. Dealing with addicts is what we know. Because it's comfortable and we "know it" does not make it right. It makes it very wrong.
Do you want someone you need to fix again? You know that you can't fix him and that all the effort and "love" you put in will be a waste of time in the end. You'll be left broken, angry, hurt and starting right back at square one.
The choice is yours in the end, but coming from someone that left an addicted husband and within a year jumped into a relationship with a very active alcoholic, I'll tell you this.... you're not over the first go round and you're probably looking to relieve your emotional pain and loneliness by reliving it all and being able to "fix" it this time around. You can't. It won't happen. I can almost guarantee you of that.
What I can guarantee is that if you start this relationship, when it ends badly, you'll feel twice the pain. You'll feel the pain of the first situation, along with the added pain of this one, and still, you've fixed nobody and nothing. What you will have done is throw yourself further down the rabbit hole and it'll take double the effort to climb your way out.
Choose wisely. The temporary fix won't be worth the torment and pain you'll be left with.
Do you want someone you need to fix again? You know that you can't fix him and that all the effort and "love" you put in will be a waste of time in the end. You'll be left broken, angry, hurt and starting right back at square one.
The choice is yours in the end, but coming from someone that left an addicted husband and within a year jumped into a relationship with a very active alcoholic, I'll tell you this.... you're not over the first go round and you're probably looking to relieve your emotional pain and loneliness by reliving it all and being able to "fix" it this time around. You can't. It won't happen. I can almost guarantee you of that.
What I can guarantee is that if you start this relationship, when it ends badly, you'll feel twice the pain. You'll feel the pain of the first situation, along with the added pain of this one, and still, you've fixed nobody and nothing. What you will have done is throw yourself further down the rabbit hole and it'll take double the effort to climb your way out.
Choose wisely. The temporary fix won't be worth the torment and pain you'll be left with.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I came to the realization that I find addicts sexy and exciting.
When I feel the hormones pumping for someone now, it is a DEFINITE red flag.
RUN, don't walk away from this one. Get okay being alone until you can trust your choosing skills.
When I feel the hormones pumping for someone now, it is a DEFINITE red flag.
RUN, don't walk away from this one. Get okay being alone until you can trust your choosing skills.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
nowhere near as bad?
What am I going to do?
Well you could start by removing your rose colored glasses, run fast and far in the opposite direction, take a big time out and figure out why you are willing to invest yourself in a relationship with an unavailable partner. Figure out why you do not believe you are worthy of a healthy relationship.
you asked, this is my suggestion.
What am I going to do?
Well you could start by removing your rose colored glasses, run fast and far in the opposite direction, take a big time out and figure out why you are willing to invest yourself in a relationship with an unavailable partner. Figure out why you do not believe you are worthy of a healthy relationship.
you asked, this is my suggestion.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
The red flag here is not him - its you. After what you have been through with the last one you really should ask yourself WHY you would get yourself entangled in another?
And, you deserve better than another addict Piece of Sh!t. You really do deserve more. I hope you will think on that and agree.
And, you deserve better than another addict Piece of Sh!t. You really do deserve more. I hope you will think on that and agree.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
killerinstinct....you say "God, what am I going to do?".
I'll give you my suggestion: Go straight to your therapist and tell her that you want to work on your issues that have led you to such fear of abandonment..fear of l onliness..fear of not being enough..fear that nobody will really ever want you...
Order "The Saber-toothed Tiger"...and read it.
Tell this guy--I don't see a future for us--I wish you well, but I am not going to date you anymore.
Short-term pain for long-term gain.
Remember your personal responsibility. If you do continue to hang out with this guy...you are not a victim...but, a volunteer!
dandylion
I'll give you my suggestion: Go straight to your therapist and tell her that you want to work on your issues that have led you to such fear of abandonment..fear of l onliness..fear of not being enough..fear that nobody will really ever want you...
Order "The Saber-toothed Tiger"...and read it.
Tell this guy--I don't see a future for us--I wish you well, but I am not going to date you anymore.
Short-term pain for long-term gain.
Remember your personal responsibility. If you do continue to hang out with this guy...you are not a victim...but, a volunteer!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Killer-
I've drilled it in my daughters head, or at least tired to: NEVER, NEVER say "he is better than" As in--- at least not as bad as _______ It got me into some painful times, as in NOW.
Just because he is not the same as your ex, does not mean he is safe. AND you know this, it's why you're here.
Please, for your sake R-U-N!
I've drilled it in my daughters head, or at least tired to: NEVER, NEVER say "he is better than" As in--- at least not as bad as _______ It got me into some painful times, as in NOW.
Just because he is not the same as your ex, does not mean he is safe. AND you know this, it's why you're here.
Please, for your sake R-U-N!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
(((((hugs))))), Killerinstinct
No where near as bad, yet. Addiction isn't a static thing. Unless he's working on recovery, it's going to get worse. I know you know... Just, please, be gentle with yourself. ((((hugs)))) again.
Originally Posted by killerinstinct 
he has some serious substance abuse problems no where near as bad as my EXA but bad enough
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh man....if only I could go back to 4 years ago when I was feeling that way. I would not be in a relationship with an A right now....trying to claw my way out with some sense of self and sanity in tact. You know what's right for you. Easier said than done - I know.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by killerinstinct
he has some serious substance abuse problems
and you probably don't know the half of it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Killer, hon. This really isn't about him at all. I suspect you need to learn how to live with you.
When I crunch the numbers it seems like this is all happening pretty close on the heals of you being broken hearted over your X.
A reasonable person puts a reasonable amount of time between reasonable relationships. You know what I mean?
No matter where you go, there you are.
When I crunch the numbers it seems like this is all happening pretty close on the heals of you being broken hearted over your X.
A reasonable person puts a reasonable amount of time between reasonable relationships. You know what I mean?
No matter where you go, there you are.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I have always had a problem with that "connection" feeling... Serendipty, soul-mate, nonsense. I am guilty of it now. My abf and I have the funniest coincidences happen, constantly. I am beginning to think, though, that these coincidences might happen between any two people that really love each other. Subract the alcohol, and the love actually has a chance....
I am also beginning to think that my "codpendncy rearing its ugly head" (I love the way you said that FlippedHalo), is not just me seeking a "fixer-upper", or to fill a hole within myself, but that the actual mannerisms and conversations... the events and energy that takes place between myself and these people is some sort of learned behavior for me, probably from my childhood (alcoholic parents). I grew up not having a good example of what it looks like to be in love without it.
I do manage to throw in a few really "nice guys" here and there... but they never fully catch my heart!
I am also beginning to think that my "codpendncy rearing its ugly head" (I love the way you said that FlippedHalo), is not just me seeking a "fixer-upper", or to fill a hole within myself, but that the actual mannerisms and conversations... the events and energy that takes place between myself and these people is some sort of learned behavior for me, probably from my childhood (alcoholic parents). I grew up not having a good example of what it looks like to be in love without it.
I do manage to throw in a few really "nice guys" here and there... but they never fully catch my heart!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Addiction is progressive and he will get worse right along with the relationship. If he is willing to get and stay sober then you may live happily ever after if not the story is very unlikely to a happy ending.
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