Not holding my breath
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
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Not holding my breath
So...AH told me this morning he isn't going to drink this week. I know it's not anything spectacular, but it was unprovoked, and means he is at least thinking about it. I think the health issues he is starting to experience are waking him up. Up until now, he wouldn't even consider quitting. He had one glass of wine yesterday because that's all we had, and he slept almost all day, which I'm assuming could be from withdraw? He said he didn't feel very well either. I think he has a lot more issues than I know about, but I occasionally see him holding his side and back(liver and kidneys) and I've seen small amounts of blood in his spit in the toilet from after he's vomited.
I'm basically to the point that if he doesn't stop drinking, I have come to terms that he is going to die very young. He is 27, and his father died when he was 43 from drug related hepatitis and alcohol related problems. AH has been drinking heavily probably since he was around 14 years old.
I'm not expecting him to stop drinking, I hope he will, but I'm not holding my breath. I am so torn with if I should stay or go. I promised forever, and I meant it. One of the main reasons I wanted to get married though is so I would have POA if(when) something happens to him, instead of his crazy mother who we don't speak to. So, even if I leave one day, I won't get a divorce. I don't want our daughter growing up exposed to him(if you read my last post, you know she took a drink of his beer the other day), and I don't want to have more children with him, but I will take care of him if(when) that time comes. He has been going to church with me for a few months, and I just keep praying that God will open up his eyes, and give him the tools necessary to do what he needs to!
Sorry this covers a lot of stuff, I just really feel like this is the only place I have to vent(going to alanon weds, though!). My mom left my alcoholic father when I was a toddler, and her stepdad died at 41 because he wouldn't stop drinking after esophageal hemorrhaging and liver disease, so she just *knows* alcoholics never change and will never stop. I know the chances are slim, but if there is a chance I want to take it.
I'm basically to the point that if he doesn't stop drinking, I have come to terms that he is going to die very young. He is 27, and his father died when he was 43 from drug related hepatitis and alcohol related problems. AH has been drinking heavily probably since he was around 14 years old.
I'm not expecting him to stop drinking, I hope he will, but I'm not holding my breath. I am so torn with if I should stay or go. I promised forever, and I meant it. One of the main reasons I wanted to get married though is so I would have POA if(when) something happens to him, instead of his crazy mother who we don't speak to. So, even if I leave one day, I won't get a divorce. I don't want our daughter growing up exposed to him(if you read my last post, you know she took a drink of his beer the other day), and I don't want to have more children with him, but I will take care of him if(when) that time comes. He has been going to church with me for a few months, and I just keep praying that God will open up his eyes, and give him the tools necessary to do what he needs to!
Sorry this covers a lot of stuff, I just really feel like this is the only place I have to vent(going to alanon weds, though!). My mom left my alcoholic father when I was a toddler, and her stepdad died at 41 because he wouldn't stop drinking after esophageal hemorrhaging and liver disease, so she just *knows* alcoholics never change and will never stop. I know the chances are slim, but if there is a chance I want to take it.
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He has only one other time gone even a day without drinking. He went two days, and he was starting to really have withdraw. He was vomiting and in a cranky mood by the end of it. He did say the no drinking for a week today, and the wine was yesterday, so we will see. I'll be really surprised if I get home and he doesn't have a couple 40's. I will hope he doesn't, but I'm trying to get to the point where it's not my issue if he keeps drinking, it's his. That's so hard to do!
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mimi....just be aware that if he has the history of drinking that you describe he may not be able to stop "cold turkey" for a long period of time---lest the withdrawl, begins.
This can be very dangerous without medical supervision. He may "need" to drink to control the withdrawl symptoms.
If he were to go into DT's or withdrawl seizures--that would constitute a medical emergency--as it can truly be life-threatening.
Detoxing in a hospital setting--or under the direction of a doctor if done at home--is the humane and safe way to go.
dandylion
This can be very dangerous without medical supervision. He may "need" to drink to control the withdrawl symptoms.
If he were to go into DT's or withdrawl seizures--that would constitute a medical emergency--as it can truly be life-threatening.
Detoxing in a hospital setting--or under the direction of a doctor if done at home--is the humane and safe way to go.
dandylion
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I am concerned about that as well dandylion. We have been together over 4 years, and I'm not sure if I've seen him go that long without, unless he had a heavy binge at the end. I texted his RA friend from work and I guess he invited him to an aa meeting weds. I guess they've also talked multiple times, and he has assured AH that he doesn't have to go through any of this alone. His friend used to drink as heavily as AH and also did a myriad of drugs, and has been sober for 4 years now, so I am beyond gracious to have someone who knows what's going on and who is very active in his recovery plan that AH can go to.
I am worried about the withdraw, and am going to check in to his works insurance coverage as far as alcohol abuse resources go.
I am worried about the withdraw, and am going to check in to his works insurance coverage as far as alcohol abuse resources go.
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MiMi, the more invested he is into his own recovery, the better it will be. He needs to do this for HIM. Maybe he should be checking with his own work insurance for what it covers, what it does not. He needs to find out what resources there are for him and which ones to use or not use. I am not saying this to make a point. I did this mistakenly for my XAH. I found the place, made sure there was coverage, the whole nine yards. Big mistake. He would have been much more involved in his own recovery had I let him be.
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In this situation, I think that you need to think of the both of you, of course. I have supervised the medical detox of hundreds of alcoholics.....and, I certainly wouldn't want someone in DT's in my livingroom....or have a seizure on my own hands.
I think, that in this kind of situation...however one gets the help...the better.
This stuff can happen within hours to several days.
I don't think that this is the time to stand on procedure---like at other times.
dandylion
I think, that in this kind of situation...however one gets the help...the better.
This stuff can happen within hours to several days.
I don't think that this is the time to stand on procedure---like at other times.
dandylion
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Dandylion, I guess if he didn't go to a rehab or something similar, I would just call 911 when I thought he needed to, right? I hope he will decide to go to somewhere on his own, because I would really rather that *not* go down at home.
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Mimi---if I were in y our shoes, with my experience...I would ask him to go....and be very honest with him about the reasons--severe withdrawl, dt's, etc.....
If he flat refuses...he is quite likely to drink when he become very uncomfortable. And, honestly, I would not try to stop him, at that point.
The best way to deal with withdrawl is to PREVENT it if you can. This is a serious condition and not so easy to reverse once it is set into motion.
I can tell you that I have seen many people who wound up in ICU by trying to stop "cold turkey".
Sorry to be so blunt---but, I feel that you need to know the possibilities. As the withdrawl worsens, he may not be able to make good decisions mentally...sometimes, an actual psychosis sets in if the person doesn't get treated---or, at least gets to drink.
dandylion
p.s. Yes, of course, you can always call 911
If he flat refuses...he is quite likely to drink when he become very uncomfortable. And, honestly, I would not try to stop him, at that point.
The best way to deal with withdrawl is to PREVENT it if you can. This is a serious condition and not so easy to reverse once it is set into motion.
I can tell you that I have seen many people who wound up in ICU by trying to stop "cold turkey".
Sorry to be so blunt---but, I feel that you need to know the possibilities. As the withdrawl worsens, he may not be able to make good decisions mentally...sometimes, an actual psychosis sets in if the person doesn't get treated---or, at least gets to drink.
dandylion
p.s. Yes, of course, you can always call 911
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I need the bluntness, so thank you. I will ask him to go, because I know if he 'weaned' he would never quit. I have read a lot about withdraw, and with him feeling sick and stuff already, just from having only one drink yesterday, I think it will be pretty rocky if he tries to go it alone.
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So...today is day 3. AH hasn't drank yet, and the only symptoms I can see are fatigue and insomnia(what a crappy combo). He's been waking up around 3 am and just staying up because he can't get back to sleep. As far as mood, he seems a little cranky, but he's been at work most of the time, but is off tonight and all day tomorrow, so we shall see.
An action I'm not too happy about, though, is that he declined his invitation to the aa meeting from his friend
I'm still going to go to the alanon meeting though, and my sister is going to watch my daughter this time because I'm watching her son after.
So I'm still very leary of believing he will actually stop drinking, or if he will start back up Sunday night. I guess that's his problem.
Oh, he also declined any rehab, or to even check with the HR coordinator. I'm assuming it's something he doesn't want people knowing about. And another of his 'best friends' got him a freaking flask for Christmas! Peeved!!!
An action I'm not too happy about, though, is that he declined his invitation to the aa meeting from his friend
I'm still going to go to the alanon meeting though, and my sister is going to watch my daughter this time because I'm watching her son after. So I'm still very leary of believing he will actually stop drinking, or if he will start back up Sunday night. I guess that's his problem.
Oh, he also declined any rehab, or to even check with the HR coordinator. I'm assuming it's something he doesn't want people knowing about. And another of his 'best friends' got him a freaking flask for Christmas! Peeved!!!
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Mimi....all the symptoms that you have mentioned are normal and expected in early abstainence. If he continues to refrain from drinking...expect the crankyness and irritability and restlessness to continue for a while.
I am glad you are giving him his space...because a newly sober alcoholic is really hard to be around.
You are so smart to leave this part of it in his hands. Your hands off policy...LOL!
(I do see l ife-threatening physical symptoms in a different category, as you know).
Listen, he is getting a lot of information from this experience. It is anybody's guess what he will do with this information. He may find that this is not so easy...that he does need help.
so many...I would say that m ost alcoholics think that they can do it by themselves. That they can just quit, and that will power is all they need. "I've got this covered. I can do this". Most try many times to do it on their own before they realize that they need help.
I say...just keep doing what you are doing and keep your mouth shut. Keep your distance and ignore him as much as possible. He will hate everything you say.
****The best person to deal with a stubborn, self-willed alcoholic is another recovering alcoholic.
About the flask.....this just shows how ignorant other people can be! This also shows that everyone probably knows that his hobby is drinking. Theirs probably is , also.
Oh, well....
(if he does begin sipping on the side--he probably needs to because his body is beginning to hurt too much. Say nothing. If he returns to full drinking at the end of the week...say nothing.).
You are doing a fabulous job of staying on your side of the street and running your own program. That is all you can do, anyway.
Where this whole thing is going will reveal itself , in time.
dandylion
I am glad you are giving him his space...because a newly sober alcoholic is really hard to be around.
You are so smart to leave this part of it in his hands. Your hands off policy...LOL!
(I do see l ife-threatening physical symptoms in a different category, as you know).
Listen, he is getting a lot of information from this experience. It is anybody's guess what he will do with this information. He may find that this is not so easy...that he does need help.
so many...I would say that m ost alcoholics think that they can do it by themselves. That they can just quit, and that will power is all they need. "I've got this covered. I can do this". Most try many times to do it on their own before they realize that they need help.
I say...just keep doing what you are doing and keep your mouth shut. Keep your distance and ignore him as much as possible. He will hate everything you say.
****The best person to deal with a stubborn, self-willed alcoholic is another recovering alcoholic.
About the flask.....this just shows how ignorant other people can be! This also shows that everyone probably knows that his hobby is drinking. Theirs probably is , also.
Oh, well....
(if he does begin sipping on the side--he probably needs to because his body is beginning to hurt too much. Say nothing. If he returns to full drinking at the end of the week...say nothing.).
You are doing a fabulous job of staying on your side of the street and running your own program. That is all you can do, anyway.
Where this whole thing is going will reveal itself , in time.
dandylion
I can't wait until next week! What a great group of ladies!
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Next time he says he's not going to drink this week you could suggest he just not drink TODAY. It's silly to say such a thing, how does he know he won't drink? That's what alcoholics do. I'd be more impressed if he said he was going to rehab or starting AA meetings.
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Mimi, you were talking about what you need to do. You don't really need to do anything today. Sit back, don't force a solution and see what happens. It will come to you on what to do when you are ready to make that decsion. You have to be strong enough to pull off any decision you need to make. It doesn't need to be decided today..
Just like an a, live one day at a time. Happy new year and I hope your husband continues on his path for sobriety.
Just like an a, live one day at a time. Happy new year and I hope your husband continues on his path for sobriety.
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If he is having physical issues with detoxing I'm not really surprised he declined going to an AA meeting or a discussion of going to rehab.
I imagine he is in a pretty heavy fog. If he can make it a couple of days without drinking then maybe revisit AA meetings and rehab at that time.
Great on Al Anon for you. Your post struck me with the level of responsibility you have given to yourself regarding your partner. Stating things like "I won't leave him" "I won't get a divorce" "I will take care of him" while admirable to yourself is a very dangerous road to travel with an active alcoholic. A marriage is a partnership not a suicide pact. It is possible to be named legal health surrogate without getting married but you have already crossed that road.
I too hope your husband embraces recovery. Keep working on you and as Maia stated take it one day at a time.
I imagine he is in a pretty heavy fog. If he can make it a couple of days without drinking then maybe revisit AA meetings and rehab at that time.
Great on Al Anon for you. Your post struck me with the level of responsibility you have given to yourself regarding your partner. Stating things like "I won't leave him" "I won't get a divorce" "I will take care of him" while admirable to yourself is a very dangerous road to travel with an active alcoholic. A marriage is a partnership not a suicide pact. It is possible to be named legal health surrogate without getting married but you have already crossed that road.
I too hope your husband embraces recovery. Keep working on you and as Maia stated take it one day at a time.
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