Need to get this out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Need to get this out
I just need to tell the latest part of my story to a group of people who will understand. My al anon meeting isn't until Wednesday and don't want to go to a new one.
AH has been drinking 3-4 times a week for quite a while now. He's been semi violent a couple of times. Last time I saw it coming and I left the house with the kids before anything could come of it.
On the 19th he was playing his music very loudly in the garage. I went out there to ask him to turn it down. I had to do it myself. Before I got back to the house he had turned it up louder than it was before I went out. I went back to the garage and yelled and then I lost it. Grabbed a speaker from the shelf and threw it as hard as I could at the floor. Then I took the main part of the stereo and brought it inside with me. He came into the house with me and was perfectly calm and sitting on the couch for a bit. He then went down to the basement and turned that stereo up very loudly again. I went down and we had a bit of a tussle over the volume control. I had my cell phone with me and was standing there using it (playing a game) and he tried to knock it out of my hand. I put the wrist strap on and he tried grabbing the phone again, ripping the strap off the phone in the process. We then had a physical wrestling match over the phone and I knew he am was trying to grab it to smash it in retribution for me throwing his speaker. I kept it from him but I was scared and I ended up having to call for my 13 year old daughter to come grab my phone and told her to call 911. He tried following her upstairs, demanding for her to give him back his phone. I think he thought it was his in this point in time. We got upstairs and she hadn't called 911 yet. I asked her again to call and she did. She didn't know what to say so she passed the phone to me. I was talking to the operator and he was still trying to come and grab my phone. I kept him away by holding him at arms length. He grabbed a part bottle of pop and poured it on me. Then he went out to the garage, grabbed a beer and poured a full bottle of beer on me. All this while I was on the line with 911. He was trying to dig his fingertips into my arm and side to hurt me as well. The police showed up at that point. He was resisting them as well, and (we had walked to meet them on the driveway) they asked me to go I side. They get him into the squad car and then I see an ambulance come as well. I found out later that they had to use a taser on him. He ended up at the hospital for a few hours and in jail overnight. Bail hearing in the morning had him released to his parents on conditional bail. His conditions are that he can't have any contact with me at all, anything with the kids and such has to be arranged through his parents, he's not allowed to have any alcohol, or be in any store that sells primary alcohol (beer stores, bars), he has to attend counselling and has to go back to court at the end of January.
So this Christmas has sucked pretty badly. Christmas plans all revolved being at his parents house so I didn't get to have dinner with everyone. My mother in law said she would pack some food for me which hasn't happened.
All this is up in the air. I'm supposed to get a visit from CPS at some point, since all this happened in front of the kids (we have 4). Not sure when. I had to call welfare and I have an appointment on Monday (he was sole provider for our family).
I get that no contact is a good idea right now but it seems so juvenile. Like I'm mad at my brother and saying "Mom, tell him to pass the peas". Maybe it would be easier if the 3rd party wasn't his parents. I don't know.
His mom said that she will be making him give me money as support even though he said that he wouldn't until the courts made him. I sent my MIL the info on the support payments in our area and she said that she would have him pay about 1/2 of what it said on the website. Not sure why that makes me as mad as it does though. She seems to think the amount owed will change depending on his expenses. (Which he has none of at this time)
Sorry this has been such a long post. I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading. Any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated. Not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe just support or been there, done that, type stuff.
AH has been drinking 3-4 times a week for quite a while now. He's been semi violent a couple of times. Last time I saw it coming and I left the house with the kids before anything could come of it.
On the 19th he was playing his music very loudly in the garage. I went out there to ask him to turn it down. I had to do it myself. Before I got back to the house he had turned it up louder than it was before I went out. I went back to the garage and yelled and then I lost it. Grabbed a speaker from the shelf and threw it as hard as I could at the floor. Then I took the main part of the stereo and brought it inside with me. He came into the house with me and was perfectly calm and sitting on the couch for a bit. He then went down to the basement and turned that stereo up very loudly again. I went down and we had a bit of a tussle over the volume control. I had my cell phone with me and was standing there using it (playing a game) and he tried to knock it out of my hand. I put the wrist strap on and he tried grabbing the phone again, ripping the strap off the phone in the process. We then had a physical wrestling match over the phone and I knew he am was trying to grab it to smash it in retribution for me throwing his speaker. I kept it from him but I was scared and I ended up having to call for my 13 year old daughter to come grab my phone and told her to call 911. He tried following her upstairs, demanding for her to give him back his phone. I think he thought it was his in this point in time. We got upstairs and she hadn't called 911 yet. I asked her again to call and she did. She didn't know what to say so she passed the phone to me. I was talking to the operator and he was still trying to come and grab my phone. I kept him away by holding him at arms length. He grabbed a part bottle of pop and poured it on me. Then he went out to the garage, grabbed a beer and poured a full bottle of beer on me. All this while I was on the line with 911. He was trying to dig his fingertips into my arm and side to hurt me as well. The police showed up at that point. He was resisting them as well, and (we had walked to meet them on the driveway) they asked me to go I side. They get him into the squad car and then I see an ambulance come as well. I found out later that they had to use a taser on him. He ended up at the hospital for a few hours and in jail overnight. Bail hearing in the morning had him released to his parents on conditional bail. His conditions are that he can't have any contact with me at all, anything with the kids and such has to be arranged through his parents, he's not allowed to have any alcohol, or be in any store that sells primary alcohol (beer stores, bars), he has to attend counselling and has to go back to court at the end of January.
So this Christmas has sucked pretty badly. Christmas plans all revolved being at his parents house so I didn't get to have dinner with everyone. My mother in law said she would pack some food for me which hasn't happened.
All this is up in the air. I'm supposed to get a visit from CPS at some point, since all this happened in front of the kids (we have 4). Not sure when. I had to call welfare and I have an appointment on Monday (he was sole provider for our family).
I get that no contact is a good idea right now but it seems so juvenile. Like I'm mad at my brother and saying "Mom, tell him to pass the peas". Maybe it would be easier if the 3rd party wasn't his parents. I don't know.
His mom said that she will be making him give me money as support even though he said that he wouldn't until the courts made him. I sent my MIL the info on the support payments in our area and she said that she would have him pay about 1/2 of what it said on the website. Not sure why that makes me as mad as it does though. She seems to think the amount owed will change depending on his expenses. (Which he has none of at this time)
Sorry this has been such a long post. I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading. Any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated. Not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe just support or been there, done that, type stuff.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Amy, what an upsetting time for you and the children. I think it's necessary to have a break from each other as things have obviously gotten to the stage where you can't talk to him without it exploding.
I also think it's best for you to leave your MIL out of negotiations. She may be able to get him to pay something, but much better for you to do it through the courts. Eventually you're going to fall out with her, remembering she gets to hear his version which will be heavily in his favour.
It's time to take your own power into your hands and know your rights. The kids are likely traumatised and upset by what's happening, and conflicted about taking sides. Is it possible to get them counselling or maybe find an Alateen meeting?
Call the domestic violence hotline, tell them your story and ask them for resources you can use. They'll be able to put you in touch with help that don't involve his family. Plus there are many people on SR who have been through this and learnt a lot in the process.
I also think it's best for you to leave your MIL out of negotiations. She may be able to get him to pay something, but much better for you to do it through the courts. Eventually you're going to fall out with her, remembering she gets to hear his version which will be heavily in his favour.
It's time to take your own power into your hands and know your rights. The kids are likely traumatised and upset by what's happening, and conflicted about taking sides. Is it possible to get them counselling or maybe find an Alateen meeting?
Call the domestic violence hotline, tell them your story and ask them for resources you can use. They'll be able to put you in touch with help that don't involve his family. Plus there are many people on SR who have been through this and learnt a lot in the process.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but the space from your AH is definitely best for the kids. You've both been violent and that isn't good for them. Are you seeing a counselor or attending Al-Anon? Therapy would be really good for all of you. I don't have any advice in re: the welfare visit, but I'll be thinking of you.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Both yours and his behavior were atrocious; my mother also used to throw things and scream like a shrew when my father would drink (thankfully unlike your husband, my dad did not fight back).
I would recommend that if you have not already done so, you get a sponsor and go through the steps and try to get the kids to Alateen or/and counseling.
Right now, no contact with him and his family sounds like the best way to go for both your sakes.
Ps: I hope I am not coming of as judgmental, I have in the past exhibited some atrocious behaviors too while dealing with my alcoholic loved ones. Their disease makes us sick too.
I would recommend that if you have not already done so, you get a sponsor and go through the steps and try to get the kids to Alateen or/and counseling.
Right now, no contact with him and his family sounds like the best way to go for both your sakes.
Ps: I hope I am not coming of as judgmental, I have in the past exhibited some atrocious behaviors too while dealing with my alcoholic loved ones. Their disease makes us sick too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
What a messy situation. His part was obviously his drinking and inciting you by turning up the volume. Your part was obviously the fact that you threw his speaker to the floor. I can understand that you were angry at him, which is why you did this, but it made things worse in the end. He needs to stop drinking, so that next time he will respect you and turn down the volume.
But this is what happens to us partners who are married to active alcoholics. We end up doing crazy things ourselves that make us look bad as well.
But this is what happens to us partners who are married to active alcoholics. We end up doing crazy things ourselves that make us look bad as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 21
I don't blame you for smashing the stereo, I was always pretty meek & sometimes I would fantasise about smashing the place up. The most I ever did was pretty passive aggressive though- I would get out of bed and sit downstairs with him, and refuse to go back to bed until the noise had stopped. I swear that made him just as angry as if I had broken something, possibly more. How can you stand up to someone who's being so unreasonable? I suppose the only solution is to leave (which I did, eventually).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I used to dance the unhealthy dance too with separated AH. This is not healthy for you or your children. I know you cannot see it now but you need to.
When I think back on some of the crap my kids have seen I want to slap myself. You have to make a choice to start getting things right for them even if you cannot see light at the end of fhe tunnel.
Read your post. Nothing about that behavior is normal. I re-read mine all the time! It helps keep myself in check. I engaged just as you did but eventually I got out. You can too...please get some outside help before this escalates. Alanon is a great start.
When I think back on some of the crap my kids have seen I want to slap myself. You have to make a choice to start getting things right for them even if you cannot see light at the end of fhe tunnel.
Read your post. Nothing about that behavior is normal. I re-read mine all the time! It helps keep myself in check. I engaged just as you did but eventually I got out. You can too...please get some outside help before this escalates. Alanon is a great start.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Good call on the Alanon meetings. If I had found Alanon sooner it might have cut down on the amount of craziness I perpetrated against my ex.
I do agree with the other posters that going through his mom as a conduit for information is not a viable solution. She is always going to come down on his side and you will be frustrated. Seek out some legal help and get things in writing so you're not relying on an active alcoholic's promises, especially where money is concerned. It will decrease your stress and help you care for your children.
I saw a lot of myself in your post and I remember that raging frustration so well. You don't have to live that way, and your children don't have to watch you behave that way. All of you deserve better. Take care and stick with Alanon. It will help. Relying on him to stay sober is a pretty big gamble. Better to work on yourself.
I do agree with the other posters that going through his mom as a conduit for information is not a viable solution. She is always going to come down on his side and you will be frustrated. Seek out some legal help and get things in writing so you're not relying on an active alcoholic's promises, especially where money is concerned. It will decrease your stress and help you care for your children.
I saw a lot of myself in your post and I remember that raging frustration so well. You don't have to live that way, and your children don't have to watch you behave that way. All of you deserve better. Take care and stick with Alanon. It will help. Relying on him to stay sober is a pretty big gamble. Better to work on yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Something we learn here is that we cannot and should not control others. There wasn't really any harm.being done by him having his music up loud. In the grand scheme of things, it certainly didn't require you to force the situation by smashing up his stereo. An alternative course could.have been to leave the house for a while or try to talk to him calmly.
But the biggest thing that stands out here, to me, is that you called your daughter into a physically violent situation between two adults in order for you to win. That was dangerous. What if she had been injured in the process? Also, getting her to call 911 when you were as equally to blame, resulting in her father being removed from the house is putting her in an extremely unkind position and potentially making her feel responsible for it all.
Please, please, please consider sitting down with your daughter and explaining she is not to blame. As someone who has been through something similar as a child I can tell.you that she is probably very unhappy right now.
But the biggest thing that stands out here, to me, is that you called your daughter into a physically violent situation between two adults in order for you to win. That was dangerous. What if she had been injured in the process? Also, getting her to call 911 when you were as equally to blame, resulting in her father being removed from the house is putting her in an extremely unkind position and potentially making her feel responsible for it all.
Please, please, please consider sitting down with your daughter and explaining she is not to blame. As someone who has been through something similar as a child I can tell.you that she is probably very unhappy right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Thanks everyone. I'm almost glad this all happened as it's obviously not good for us to be together and we've tried separating twice before and we ended up back together. Thankfully the kids didn't see me getting violent with his speakers. Also, I think that didn't bother him as much as me standing downstairs with him making sure he didn't turn the volume up again. I had to get some help from someone right away which is the only reason I asked my daughter to come. I wasn't trying to "win" I was trying not to get hurt.
I am attending al anon and hopefully will get in touch with someone for counselling as well. This is making me crazy and I do need to get help.
Thanks for your support everyone.
I am attending al anon and hopefully will get in touch with someone for counselling as well. This is making me crazy and I do need to get help.
Thanks for your support everyone.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah, the wimmens jumped you good enough. 
Glad you are going to Alanon.
You made me think of the Alanon Meeting Opening, in the Bold part below.
It is true.
Some of the stories wind up sort of funny. I am not supposed to say so, but some wind up pretty funny.
One women on here stomped her hubby A onto the floor while her crack smoking hubby while was sitting on the toilet with his pants down hitting the crack pipe.
Have heard the long-year gentle little old alanannies tell tales of throwing knifes and sinking coffee cups into the wall throwing them at their A.
Well, glad you are getting help for YOU. The A is not YOUR problem.
Maybe look into Alateen for your daughter, too.
======================
Al-Anon Opening
This is the opening welcome usually read by the chairperson and most Al-Anon Family Group meetings:
We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts, for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
Glad you are going to Alanon.
You made me think of the Alanon Meeting Opening, in the Bold part below.
It is true.
Some of the stories wind up sort of funny. I am not supposed to say so, but some wind up pretty funny.
One women on here stomped her hubby A onto the floor while her crack smoking hubby while was sitting on the toilet with his pants down hitting the crack pipe.
Have heard the long-year gentle little old alanannies tell tales of throwing knifes and sinking coffee cups into the wall throwing them at their A.
Well, glad you are getting help for YOU. The A is not YOUR problem.
Maybe look into Alateen for your daughter, too.
======================
Al-Anon Opening
This is the opening welcome usually read by the chairperson and most Al-Anon Family Group meetings:
We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts, for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Thank you Hammer. I appreciate your words. I had my friend's husband tell me it wasn't abuse because I pissed him off and he didn't punch me. That, accompanied by the comment earlier in this thread saying I was trying to win made me feel like I was to blame for all of this. I know I'm not blameless but what I did didn't give him the right to hurt me.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You aren't to blame for anything except for your own actions, which were horrible. Your friend is very, very wrong, though. Nobody here will lie and tell you that you weren't abusive or he wasn't abusive and that everything is a-okay over there. What a lot of people fail to realize is that abuse isn't defined by a fist to the face. Abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, or financial. Nothing about what happened was healthy. None of it. I can guarantee your kids aren't deaf, dumb, or blind, especially where your relationship with your AH is concerned. They are learning about relationships and how to treat their significant others by how the two of you behave. If I were you, I'd be looking hard at that. But I know I have a lot of work to do where my children are concerned because I am an adult child of an alcoholic, as was my mother. Breaking the cycle is HARD.
But for right now, getting away from the abuse and not engaging should be priority #1. That comes before everything else.
But for right now, getting away from the abuse and not engaging should be priority #1. That comes before everything else.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Sometimes, it takes something big and ugly like that for us to realize quite how crazy we become living with an alcoholic.
One turning point for me was when AXH was belittling me and yelling at me all morning while I was trying to get the kids ready for school, and I didn't say a thing, didn't respond, just let him yell, and then drove them to school with tears streaming down my face. When my middle schooler stepped out of the car and said, "How long are you going to put up with his BS?" -- that's when I realized that I was just as crazy as my AH was.
Another was when I heard myself promise then-AH that I would have sex with him every day if he would stop drinking. This after he had raped me several times.
I've never had a temper -- I've gotten really uncontrollably angry twice in my life -- so I don't have a problem with that. But you can see I was crazy in other ways.
Al-Anon helped me a lot. Just getting out of that bubble you live in when you're living with an actively drinking A, and seeing the crazy for what it is -- that's what I needed.
One turning point for me was when AXH was belittling me and yelling at me all morning while I was trying to get the kids ready for school, and I didn't say a thing, didn't respond, just let him yell, and then drove them to school with tears streaming down my face. When my middle schooler stepped out of the car and said, "How long are you going to put up with his BS?" -- that's when I realized that I was just as crazy as my AH was.
Another was when I heard myself promise then-AH that I would have sex with him every day if he would stop drinking. This after he had raped me several times.
I've never had a temper -- I've gotten really uncontrollably angry twice in my life -- so I don't have a problem with that. But you can see I was crazy in other ways.
Al-Anon helped me a lot. Just getting out of that bubble you live in when you're living with an actively drinking A, and seeing the crazy for what it is -- that's what I needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by lillamy 
Just getting out of that bubble you live in when you're living with an actively drinking A, and seeing the crazy for what it is -- that's what I needed.
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