I know I need help
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. There's a sign at my Alanon meeting that says "Life doesn't have to suck." And where once I didn't relate to it, now it makes me smile. It's now possible to have a great day no matter what else is going on in my life.
Baby steps, one day at a time.
He doesn't need to quit drinking in order for you to find happiness in your own recovery. In fact, when my husband quit drinking, that's when we found out how much deeper this all goes. The fact that I don't come 1st with him isn't personal, nor should I. Now I am learning to fully take care of myself and let him be responsible for himself ... and somewhere within that we're now able to be closer.
Three books that have really helped me are:
http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addicti.../dp/1476709475
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00472O6I4/
Being of Power
There are many other good books in the stickies, and anything by AA/Alanon or Hazeldon is usually very good.
It's okay to say you're going to Alanon to help yourself. Hammer calls it the good daddy club. He has a great point. I look at as me becoming a better mother and wife. Look at as the good wife club for yourself, if you like. It really has nothing to do with him, and is there purely for you.
Getting through the door truly is the hardest part. It's a very safe place to be.
(((Hugs)))
Baby steps, one day at a time.
He doesn't need to quit drinking in order for you to find happiness in your own recovery. In fact, when my husband quit drinking, that's when we found out how much deeper this all goes. The fact that I don't come 1st with him isn't personal, nor should I. Now I am learning to fully take care of myself and let him be responsible for himself ... and somewhere within that we're now able to be closer.
Three books that have really helped me are:
http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addicti.../dp/1476709475
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00472O6I4/
Being of Power
There are many other good books in the stickies, and anything by AA/Alanon or Hazeldon is usually very good.
It's okay to say you're going to Alanon to help yourself. Hammer calls it the good daddy club. He has a great point. I look at as me becoming a better mother and wife. Look at as the good wife club for yourself, if you like. It really has nothing to do with him, and is there purely for you.
Getting through the door truly is the hardest part. It's a very safe place to be.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like he is still in a lot of denial and is not ready to quit. I used to feel a lot of sadness and anger that my ex "didn't care about me enough" to stop drinking. I took his choices personally and wasted a lot of time and energy arguing about the nonsense that came out of his mouth, trying to get him to understand.
He told me he didn't want to go to AA because it was too smoky and everybody smoked, yet he had no problem hanging out in a disgusting, smoke-filled dive bar. Plus AA meetings are all NS now. All the noise that came out of his mouth really just meant one thing- "Leave me alone, I want to drink."
He wasn't drinking at me. He wasn't doing it to hurt me. I hurt myself by taking it all so personally.
Did you get a chance to check out Alanon yet? Ktf made a really good point about you being able to live your life and find happiness whether he is drinking or not. I know that sounds strange. I wouldn't have believed it when my world revolved around his drinking and I was so enmeshed with his choices, but it's true.
He told me he didn't want to go to AA because it was too smoky and everybody smoked, yet he had no problem hanging out in a disgusting, smoke-filled dive bar. Plus AA meetings are all NS now. All the noise that came out of his mouth really just meant one thing- "Leave me alone, I want to drink."
He wasn't drinking at me. He wasn't doing it to hurt me. I hurt myself by taking it all so personally.
Did you get a chance to check out Alanon yet? Ktf made a really good point about you being able to live your life and find happiness whether he is drinking or not. I know that sounds strange. I wouldn't have believed it when my world revolved around his drinking and I was so enmeshed with his choices, but it's true.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
I'm sitting here utterly mind blown after reading the baby conversation. My ex-fiance and I had that conversation, almost word for word, over and over again.
He SWORE that having a baby and becoming a father would make him quit drinking. He'd ask me constantly if I thought he'd be a good father and tell me that no matter what, even if he didn't stop drinking, he'd always be there for me and our child. Sure. Ok.
The fact that they want to bring children into their lives while actively drinking and that they think it will cure them just goes to show how sick they really are.
Just amazed.
He SWORE that having a baby and becoming a father would make him quit drinking. He'd ask me constantly if I thought he'd be a good father and tell me that no matter what, even if he didn't stop drinking, he'd always be there for me and our child. Sure. Ok.
The fact that they want to bring children into their lives while actively drinking and that they think it will cure them just goes to show how sick they really are.
Just amazed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He doesn't do anything BAD when he's drinking
I guess 22 alcohol related arrests in the last 21 years is "not boring."
please look at the two above statements.....see how they contradict each other. that's no minor rap sheet.....22 arrests??? that's a habitual offender. and indicates a level of rebuke to societal norms and laws.
i am curious, since you have such a strong history of anti-alcohol/alcoholics, what DREW you to a 20+ year confirmed alcoholic in the first place? was it rebellion? or desire to be a rescuer/enabler? it can really help to examine how we got ourselves IN to this fix in order to clearly find our way out.
I guess 22 alcohol related arrests in the last 21 years is "not boring."
please look at the two above statements.....see how they contradict each other. that's no minor rap sheet.....22 arrests??? that's a habitual offender. and indicates a level of rebuke to societal norms and laws.
i am curious, since you have such a strong history of anti-alcohol/alcoholics, what DREW you to a 20+ year confirmed alcoholic in the first place? was it rebellion? or desire to be a rescuer/enabler? it can really help to examine how we got ourselves IN to this fix in order to clearly find our way out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
My XAF said he wanted a baby too (he has 3 kids from a previous marriage). He took out a 20k loan for a reversal surgery as he has a vasectomy. A few weeks prior to the surgery we got into a blow out and he cancelled the surgery and went right back to drinking. He said he could never have a child with ME because of my anger issues....totally deflecting from the point that he can't stay sober longer than one week.
They will pull out all the stops when they get desperate because they think you are leaving. As soon as you give in, it's business as usual. I learned that my XAF didn't follow through with ONE promise he made in 5 years. It was nothing but quacking.
They will pull out all the stops when they get desperate because they think you are leaving. As soon as you give in, it's business as usual. I learned that my XAF didn't follow through with ONE promise he made in 5 years. It was nothing but quacking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Hi sad, You did good with the what difference does it make comment. I don't understand why they keep pushing at times asking us what's wrong? I don't feel like I can be honest and open up after being hurt and manipulated so many times it causes you to put up a wall .The last time I tried to explain to my Ah how his actions something he had done had hurt me I was trying to tell him something that was very hard for me to talk about and like you said I don't like talking to him about his drinking . It s easy to tell yourself that maybe they don't know that we are hurting us vs confronting them and telling them how they have hurt us that is very hard for me and the last time I tried he got this arrogant smirk on his face and then he laughed at me ,soooo that pretty much did me in on honest open communication I swore to myself right then that I would never let him get close enough to hurt me like that ever again or anybody else. This stuff can really be bad for You , alanon is very helpful it would be good for you, You gotta find a way to go alanon is where you learn how to take care of YOU while your going thru this and they give you the tools you need to survive its kinda like they have the manual for alcoholics. Alanon helps you understand how this all works and helps prepare you to take care of yourself. Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Sad, I'm so sorry. It sounds as if you're highly educated on what alkies do and say... even with the Quack Quacks! :-) Stand firm and maybe some day soon his lightbulb will go off and he will think "hey, she's still not very happy, I maybe should do somethign about this". But then again... <sigh> I'm not sure your age but it sounds like you don't have kids yet and may want children? You might want to be thinking about how long you're willing to wait for the lightbulb to go off. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"What difference does it make?" Because if my feelings about it mattered, he'd seek recovery. My feelings don't matter. I wish he'd quit deceiving himself that they do.
Oh Sad,
Try not to take his alcoholism personally! I know that sounds CUCKOO, because when we are in a RELATIONSHIP with someone it IS personal. But the normal rules do not apply when we love an addict.
I spent many years thinking that if my Dad loved us why did he drink? I mean if he really loved us? If he really, really, really, really loved us??? Why did he drink?? Because he was an alcoholic. Had nothing to do with us!!
Thinking that if he loved you enough or if he cared about your feelings he would stop will make you NUTS and will not do a dang thing to change the As behavior. Not a thing. Because alcoholism is a mighty mighty foe, it is bigger than you, way bigger, and bigger than him, way bigger.
Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. So if they have to keep a job to pay for their booze and so they can point to the job and say "See I still have a job" so people won't hassle them about their drinking, then they will keep their job.
If they have to change the subject and make it seem like someone else is the problem "What's the matter with you? Why are you such a crank?" so that they don't have to be hassled about their drinking, then they will use every skill (charm, anger, indignation, silent treatment) to make it seem like it is someone else's problem.
If they have to rationalize and minimize 22 alcohol-related arrests by [fill in the blank] then they will find a way to rationalize or minimize 22 alcohol related arrests, and they will continue to drink.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, gets in the way.
Preserve your precious sanity and heart by letting go of the notion that your feelings could possibly have ANY impact on the alcoholic. Only heartbreak comes from that. Because an active alcoholic simply cannot choose normal loving behavior over alcohol. If seeing their loved ones in tears over their drinking could make an alkie stop drinking there would be no alcoholism and none of us would be here!
I learned, through AlAnon, it is not a reflection of my lovability or self-worth that my feelings cannot change an alcoholic's behavior.
You are a grown woman. If you want to go to an AlAnon meeting then go! There is no shame in being married to an A - everyone on this planet has an addict somewhere in their personal universe. But it would be sad to let his addiction drag you down too.
Peace and (((((hugs)))))
B
Oh Sad,
Try not to take his alcoholism personally! I know that sounds CUCKOO, because when we are in a RELATIONSHIP with someone it IS personal. But the normal rules do not apply when we love an addict.
I spent many years thinking that if my Dad loved us why did he drink? I mean if he really loved us? If he really, really, really, really loved us??? Why did he drink?? Because he was an alcoholic. Had nothing to do with us!!
Thinking that if he loved you enough or if he cared about your feelings he would stop will make you NUTS and will not do a dang thing to change the As behavior. Not a thing. Because alcoholism is a mighty mighty foe, it is bigger than you, way bigger, and bigger than him, way bigger.
Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. So if they have to keep a job to pay for their booze and so they can point to the job and say "See I still have a job" so people won't hassle them about their drinking, then they will keep their job.
If they have to change the subject and make it seem like someone else is the problem "What's the matter with you? Why are you such a crank?" so that they don't have to be hassled about their drinking, then they will use every skill (charm, anger, indignation, silent treatment) to make it seem like it is someone else's problem.
If they have to rationalize and minimize 22 alcohol-related arrests by [fill in the blank] then they will find a way to rationalize or minimize 22 alcohol related arrests, and they will continue to drink.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, gets in the way.
Preserve your precious sanity and heart by letting go of the notion that your feelings could possibly have ANY impact on the alcoholic. Only heartbreak comes from that. Because an active alcoholic simply cannot choose normal loving behavior over alcohol. If seeing their loved ones in tears over their drinking could make an alkie stop drinking there would be no alcoholism and none of us would be here!
I learned, through AlAnon, it is not a reflection of my lovability or self-worth that my feelings cannot change an alcoholic's behavior.
You are a grown woman. If you want to go to an AlAnon meeting then go! There is no shame in being married to an A - everyone on this planet has an addict somewhere in their personal universe. But it would be sad to let his addiction drag you down too.
Peace and (((((hugs)))))
B
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sad....I think you handled the situation really well.
LOL!...you seem to have already learned a lot about alcoholics! Maybe, reading here on SR..?
I think that "I want to have a baby" is a common trick they use to try to keep a woman tied to them...or keep them compliant.
I was sooo relieved to read that you were to smart to fall for that!!
dandylion
LOL!...you seem to have already learned a lot about alcoholics! Maybe, reading here on SR..?
I think that "I want to have a baby" is a common trick they use to try to keep a woman tied to them...or keep them compliant.
I was sooo relieved to read that you were to smart to fall for that!!
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
He doesn't do anything BAD when he's drinking
I guess 22 alcohol related arrests in the last 21 years is "not boring."
please look at the two above statements.....see how they contradict each other. that's no minor rap sheet.....22 arrests??? that's a habitual offender. and indicates a level of rebuke to societal norms and laws.
i am curious, since you have such a strong history of anti-alcohol/alcoholics, what DREW you to a 20+ year confirmed alcoholic in the first place? was it rebellion? or desire to be a rescuer/enabler? it can really help to examine how we got ourselves IN to this fix in order to clearly find our way out.
I guess 22 alcohol related arrests in the last 21 years is "not boring."
please look at the two above statements.....see how they contradict each other. that's no minor rap sheet.....22 arrests??? that's a habitual offender. and indicates a level of rebuke to societal norms and laws.
i am curious, since you have such a strong history of anti-alcohol/alcoholics, what DREW you to a 20+ year confirmed alcoholic in the first place? was it rebellion? or desire to be a rescuer/enabler? it can really help to examine how we got ourselves IN to this fix in order to clearly find our way out.
I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I fell in love with him. We were co-workers for over a year. It was after we moved in together that I saw he drank.
I'm at a point where the love still outweighs the hate and the hurt. I know if he doesn't seek recovery, and get sober, and stay that way, that the balance will eventually tip the other way. And I'll have no choice but to leave. I don't know when that will be, but it will come.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
