Daughter of an Alcoholic Mother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
Hi again another update....I can't decide if this is a good one or not....
All of last week my mom was at my house EVERY DAY. My parents live out in the country so it saves my dad a lot of driving time to be able to drop her off
at my house to wait for her AA meetings. I picked my mom up after an AA meeting on Sunday and took her shopping for some new clothes for her new job (she has lost her DL for the next year). After spending the whole day with her I found out that she was drinking again the night before (and who knows how many other times that we don't know about)....
The AA meetings are required by her probation officer.....I feel like she is only going to the meetings to stay out of jail and is not working the program. I can't continue to make sacrifices in my life just to keep her out of jail so she can continue to drink behind everyone's backs......
I told her on Sunday that I could start picking her up from home and taking her to meetings if she wanted....and she replied with "so you don't want me around anymore at all? even when you are home?" (previously the boundary had been that she couldn't be there when I wasn't) And I said "no I don't I'm not really comfortable with that anymore"....so she cries and won't talk to me about it. She says "no no it's find I'll just have dad take me"...I tried to talk to her and to explain my reasons...but she wouldn't have it. So I left and went home.
I feel so guilty and selfish and mean.....
My sister thinks that I should call and try to talk to her....but I feel like mom is the one that put us in this situation so she should call me (now that I put that on paper though it starts to sound like a mind game...) The thing is...back before this started to get so bad when she got upset with someone or got in a fight and they would call....she would just not ever answer the phone. I don't want to be that person putting in the work and getting ignored and treated like they are in the wrong....because as bad as I feel about this....I honestly don't feel like it's a mistake. ARRHH!!
All of last week my mom was at my house EVERY DAY. My parents live out in the country so it saves my dad a lot of driving time to be able to drop her off
at my house to wait for her AA meetings. I picked my mom up after an AA meeting on Sunday and took her shopping for some new clothes for her new job (she has lost her DL for the next year). After spending the whole day with her I found out that she was drinking again the night before (and who knows how many other times that we don't know about)....
The AA meetings are required by her probation officer.....I feel like she is only going to the meetings to stay out of jail and is not working the program. I can't continue to make sacrifices in my life just to keep her out of jail so she can continue to drink behind everyone's backs......
I told her on Sunday that I could start picking her up from home and taking her to meetings if she wanted....and she replied with "so you don't want me around anymore at all? even when you are home?" (previously the boundary had been that she couldn't be there when I wasn't) And I said "no I don't I'm not really comfortable with that anymore"....so she cries and won't talk to me about it. She says "no no it's find I'll just have dad take me"...I tried to talk to her and to explain my reasons...but she wouldn't have it. So I left and went home.
I feel so guilty and selfish and mean.....
My sister thinks that I should call and try to talk to her....but I feel like mom is the one that put us in this situation so she should call me (now that I put that on paper though it starts to sound like a mind game...) The thing is...back before this started to get so bad when she got upset with someone or got in a fight and they would call....she would just not ever answer the phone. I don't want to be that person putting in the work and getting ignored and treated like they are in the wrong....because as bad as I feel about this....I honestly don't feel like it's a mistake. ARRHH!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 6
I do think you should talk to her
Dont get me wrong i dont think you should apologize, i just think you should try again to explain yourself. I cant even begin to know what you have gone through since i have been gone, and i dont claim to. but I hold fast to the belief that one day she will stop being so defensive (like she always accused us of doing, hmm i wonder where we learned that?) and listen to reason. I dont play her mind games anymore and I'm just saying that if we are persistant maybe she will at least listen and hear what we mean and not "i dont want you around."
Love you!!
Love you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
No I know you don't expect me to apologize! lol Sorry if I came across that way.....I was thinking that a good compromise might be a letter or an email so she wouldn't feel so defensive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
Update!
Well after the last incident with my mom I ended up having to pick her up from work and drive her home. She seemed okay and we talked and stuff so I guess things are okay between us.
Yesterday my mom called me and asked for a ride home. (my dad had dropped her off here in town and the lady that was supposed to pick her up from AA didn't show) So I went and picked her up and drove her home no biggy. Anyway I just got a call from my dad and he got in a big fight with my mom today (she was drinking last night). So she stormed out and right now she is walking down the highway towards the town I live in (about 12 miles from her and my dad's house). My dad wanted to know if he ought to go get her or not.....I told him that if I was him I wouldn't. She's blaming him for her drinking and being a damn drama queen. Why should he go pick her up? She's an adult, she's not in any direct threat of harm except maybe from herself (
).........
Any advice? What would you guys do? I so value your opinions.
Yesterday my mom called me and asked for a ride home. (my dad had dropped her off here in town and the lady that was supposed to pick her up from AA didn't show) So I went and picked her up and drove her home no biggy. Anyway I just got a call from my dad and he got in a big fight with my mom today (she was drinking last night). So she stormed out and right now she is walking down the highway towards the town I live in (about 12 miles from her and my dad's house). My dad wanted to know if he ought to go get her or not.....I told him that if I was him I wouldn't. She's blaming him for her drinking and being a damn drama queen. Why should he go pick her up? She's an adult, she's not in any direct threat of harm except maybe from herself (
).........Any advice? What would you guys do? I so value your opinions.
Last edited by sweeks; 09-05-2004 at 10:32 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
*BUMP*
Hello all. I've been away from the site for a good long time but I thought I'd bump this thread instead of starting a new one in case anyone wanted the backstory.
My mom passed away a bit less than two months ago (acute alcohol poisoning). I thought I might feel guilty or something when she passed but I'm mostly a bit angry and a lot melancholy (I hate to say sad because its a lot more mellow than that). I've been having nightmares off and on about her for the last two months so I'm sure there's something I'm not dealing with. I decided to pop back in here and read my old posts and a bunch of the new ones looking for a little solace. Anyway thanks for listening and for being here when I need to share.
Hello all. I've been away from the site for a good long time but I thought I'd bump this thread instead of starting a new one in case anyone wanted the backstory.
My mom passed away a bit less than two months ago (acute alcohol poisoning). I thought I might feel guilty or something when she passed but I'm mostly a bit angry and a lot melancholy (I hate to say sad because its a lot more mellow than that). I've been having nightmares off and on about her for the last two months so I'm sure there's something I'm not dealing with. I decided to pop back in here and read my old posts and a bunch of the new ones looking for a little solace. Anyway thanks for listening and for being here when I need to share.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2
WVTEARS---------
I decided to google daughters of A mothers because I've been having a really bad day. Your post was one of the first I read and I signed up so I could talk to you. My mom also died when I was 12 and it has been 9 years and I am still stricken with guilt, anger and depression. The last few years she was alive were the worst and our fights replay in my mind over and over again. I said some really cruel things. Most of the time I just feel like **** because I was too young to understand that her drinking had nothing to do with me. But, being an only child, I thought it had everything to do with me. I hated her for it. The guilt is the worst when I remember the sober days, the moments when she was mom- the most caring and sweetest person in the world. I have so many questions, so many regrets and so many thoughts that take up most of my day, I am forgetting how to be happy. I just want to let go.
I'm sorry that you had to go through the same thing. Just wanted to let you know I understand.
I decided to google daughters of A mothers because I've been having a really bad day. Your post was one of the first I read and I signed up so I could talk to you. My mom also died when I was 12 and it has been 9 years and I am still stricken with guilt, anger and depression. The last few years she was alive were the worst and our fights replay in my mind over and over again. I said some really cruel things. Most of the time I just feel like **** because I was too young to understand that her drinking had nothing to do with me. But, being an only child, I thought it had everything to do with me. I hated her for it. The guilt is the worst when I remember the sober days, the moments when she was mom- the most caring and sweetest person in the world. I have so many questions, so many regrets and so many thoughts that take up most of my day, I am forgetting how to be happy. I just want to let go.
I'm sorry that you had to go through the same thing. Just wanted to let you know I understand.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: hagerstown maryland
Posts: 1
new member
Not to sure what to say. Its 1:40 my time and i just needed to vent. Im 24 i have a son, my mother is a alcoholic and im forced to either live with her or live in a shelter. Her drinking got bad about 3 years ago. 2 years ago me and my son moved into my mothers and step fathers house. Mom got bad started making stupid decisions such as cheating on my step dad, drinking and driving even with the kids in the car, lying, stealing.. Ya know the type of things your mother teaches you not to do. Well i got a job working at the same place mom did and lost it because she was screwing around with the manager and i found out, guess they were afraid i would tell... Well my step dad decided it would be best i become their paid nanny and help there because he worked and mom was useless, so i became their nanny for my 2 siblings. Mom almost got fired, they sent her to rehab, she got out got put in out patient and now me and my mother are living together with my son. Byt now she is drinking again and dating a girl (not against that part) but the girl drinks smokes pot and snorts pills, is also in iop for heroine use... Im stuck living here i have no job due to having to be.their nanny, no education because mom pulled me out in highschool and refused to help pay for ged. And no where to live... I just wish i knew where to start what to do to help her and myself and how to get tjat drug using idiot away from us... 
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