Just when I thought I was getting out w/no further damage...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Just when I thought I was getting out w/no further damage...
So not quite 2 months ago I took half of all the money my A and I had in our joint checking and savings accounts and started my own accounts at a different bank. We discussed and decided that we would continue to jointly pay groceries, utilities, car and home insurance, internet, and pet costs. We would each be responsible for our own vehicle expenses, health insurance and health care expenses, and any personal purchases. I specified the health care costs to be separate as RAH had run up some bills w/a leg ulcer that he neglected and that subsequently got infected. I said I was NOT going to pay for lifestyle-related or otherwise stupid health problems of his, seeing as how he drank for all those years and continues to smoke.
Maybe a month ago he fell, in the course of helping me out w/something that I never should have let him help with. He offered to help, and I accepted out of habit. He had no specific pain at the time, just general soreness. In the past week, though, he has had increasing and terrible back spasms. Today he learned that he has a compression fracture and will need kyphoplasty (cost anywhere between 8 and 15 grand, from what I find online) and will be off work for 6 weeks (in addition to the 3 days he's missed already and the 3 he has off next week until the specialist sees him). Our deductible is 5 grand. And in addition to the surgery itself, we'll have all sorts of other costs, too, I'm sure.
He feels sure he injured his back while helping me out, saying he's done nothing else that could have caused it, and I guess I have to believe him. B/c of this, I feel absolutely as if half the medical expenses are mine, regardless of the prior agreement. I keep trying to justify letting it be all his to deal with, but I haven't been able to, at least so far.
Oh, and the icing on the cake? They prescribed him Tramadol, a synthetic opiate. In looking it up on the drugs.com site, it specifically says it should not be prescribed to those w/a history of drug or alcohol abuse. He apparently neglected to mention the fact that he has a history of BOTH drug and alcohol abuse (the drug abuse was back before I knew him).
I cannot express how frustrated, angry and trapped I feel. This changes nothing about the impending divorce, but it sure as hell changes everything about my financial outlook. I am working a full-time and a part-time job, and I don't see any way that's going to change soon.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Maybe a month ago he fell, in the course of helping me out w/something that I never should have let him help with. He offered to help, and I accepted out of habit. He had no specific pain at the time, just general soreness. In the past week, though, he has had increasing and terrible back spasms. Today he learned that he has a compression fracture and will need kyphoplasty (cost anywhere between 8 and 15 grand, from what I find online) and will be off work for 6 weeks (in addition to the 3 days he's missed already and the 3 he has off next week until the specialist sees him). Our deductible is 5 grand. And in addition to the surgery itself, we'll have all sorts of other costs, too, I'm sure.
He feels sure he injured his back while helping me out, saying he's done nothing else that could have caused it, and I guess I have to believe him. B/c of this, I feel absolutely as if half the medical expenses are mine, regardless of the prior agreement. I keep trying to justify letting it be all his to deal with, but I haven't been able to, at least so far.
Oh, and the icing on the cake? They prescribed him Tramadol, a synthetic opiate. In looking it up on the drugs.com site, it specifically says it should not be prescribed to those w/a history of drug or alcohol abuse. He apparently neglected to mention the fact that he has a history of BOTH drug and alcohol abuse (the drug abuse was back before I knew him).
I cannot express how frustrated, angry and trapped I feel. This changes nothing about the impending divorce, but it sure as hell changes everything about my financial outlook. I am working a full-time and a part-time job, and I don't see any way that's going to change soon.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hmmm....I've just done some research on the effects of alcoholism and smoking on bones. I feel a WHOLE lot less responsible for his compression fracture now.
Smoking and Bone Health
What People Recovering from Alcoholism Need to Know About Osteoporosis
Smoking and Bone Health
What People Recovering from Alcoholism Need to Know About Osteoporosis
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hp, you've talked to a lawyer, haven't you? I don't know Wisconsin law, but it's a community property state, and regardless of any agreement between the two of you, I believe spouses are jointly and severally liable for medical expenses, regardless of whose expense it is.
If you haven't talked to a lawyer yet, you might want to do that. Even opening separate accounts might not do you any good in terms of preserving your money.
I'm sorry to hear about this, either way.
Hugs,
If you haven't talked to a lawyer yet, you might want to do that. Even opening separate accounts might not do you any good in terms of preserving your money.
I'm sorry to hear about this, either way.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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honeypig - I will just add my ES&H. Smoking is dangerous for healing of orthopedic issues.
I'm not trying to give you medical advice, only sharing my ES&H. I was an RN (a career I lost to addiction). The ortho docs told me smoking is a HUGE detriment to healing. I've moved on and I now work with an orthopedic practice. I am, again, reminded that smoking is a bad thing when it comes to bones.
That being said, I smoke. I need to quit, and I know it.
My point is, is he really doing what would help him? We (and I include myself, as a recovering codie) are quick to take on blame.
Maybe it's time to put the focus on him again? I suffer from back and hip problems, but it is from years of not taking care of myself. His problem may be due to the same thing and have nothing to do with what he did to help you?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm not trying to give you medical advice, only sharing my ES&H. I was an RN (a career I lost to addiction). The ortho docs told me smoking is a HUGE detriment to healing. I've moved on and I now work with an orthopedic practice. I am, again, reminded that smoking is a bad thing when it comes to bones.
That being said, I smoke. I need to quit, and I know it.
My point is, is he really doing what would help him? We (and I include myself, as a recovering codie) are quick to take on blame.
Maybe it's time to put the focus on him again? I suffer from back and hip problems, but it is from years of not taking care of myself. His problem may be due to the same thing and have nothing to do with what he did to help you?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Any chance you can make the argument he obtained the injury falling off a bar stool. I'm pretty sure that's how my STBXAH got the TBI he's bilking the Army for. 
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Really sorry to hear about this. Unexpected expences can be so frustrating. I some how don't think his pain was all due to helping you. He must of had some prior issues that caused this. Maybe only paying 1/4 of it might be fair enough.
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Ugh..sorry to hear this for you. I hope you're protecting yourself. He may have helped you out but he offered it up. You shouldn't feel responsible for that. With what you learned about the effects of alcohol and smoking...well, it's kinda like gravity isn't it? Natural consequences. Hugs to you!
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This sucks, Not sure what the legal and moral rules are in this situation. At most I might split the bill after insurance if it was caused as a direct result of him helping you. Is there any item he desperately wants that you could barter with?
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Thanks to all who offered advice, information or hugs here, as I needed them all!
I should have been more clear--he has not asked me to pay for any of this, and in fact has said he will handle it himself. My concern is mostly my own moral/ethical/guilt/you know how we codie types are responsible for everything sort of situation. And yes, I know all too well that what he says and what he actually does may be 2 different things...
Lexie, I do have a lawyer on a "consult only" basis, as we are doing a pro se divorce since we are have no kids, no debt (yet!) and are agreed on how to split things up. This may be a good time to ask a question just in case. I don't think he realizes just how expensive this issue could get and may change his mind.
Impurrfect, I worked for 8 years as a transcriptionsist and as you say, I've typed any number of surgeries, and particularly spine/other orthopedic surgeries, in which mention is made of the need to not smoke. I find myself being grateful that I always did what I could to make sure we both ate decently and took some basic supplements; I'd like to think this helped him to at least some extent.
SeriousKarma, your suggestion made me laugh!
BoxnRotz, I know this whole thing is small potatoes after all you and your RAH have gone thru. Thanks for your wishes!
Hammer, check, check and check on the C's.
I'm feeling better about things today. I was very tired yesterday and just feeling overwhelmed. It's still going to suck, and I still should check in w/the lawyer to see what's what, just in case. All I can do is keep moving forward and waiting for the court date in March.
Thanks again, everybody. Wishing you all a good weekend. I'm off to the bread!
I should have been more clear--he has not asked me to pay for any of this, and in fact has said he will handle it himself. My concern is mostly my own moral/ethical/guilt/you know how we codie types are responsible for everything sort of situation. And yes, I know all too well that what he says and what he actually does may be 2 different things...
Lexie, I do have a lawyer on a "consult only" basis, as we are doing a pro se divorce since we are have no kids, no debt (yet!) and are agreed on how to split things up. This may be a good time to ask a question just in case. I don't think he realizes just how expensive this issue could get and may change his mind.
Impurrfect, I worked for 8 years as a transcriptionsist and as you say, I've typed any number of surgeries, and particularly spine/other orthopedic surgeries, in which mention is made of the need to not smoke. I find myself being grateful that I always did what I could to make sure we both ate decently and took some basic supplements; I'd like to think this helped him to at least some extent.
SeriousKarma, your suggestion made me laugh!
BoxnRotz, I know this whole thing is small potatoes after all you and your RAH have gone thru. Thanks for your wishes!
Hammer, check, check and check on the C's.
I'm feeling better about things today. I was very tired yesterday and just feeling overwhelmed. It's still going to suck, and I still should check in w/the lawyer to see what's what, just in case. All I can do is keep moving forward and waiting for the court date in March.
Thanks again, everybody. Wishing you all a good weekend. I'm off to the bread!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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I don't have any advice, just lots of hugs for you.
My AM has broken both of her feet countless times just by walking on them. 40 years of drinking has left her with severely brittle bones. And yet the docs keep dishing up the pain pills that she washes down with her bourbon. Oh well. Not my monkey...
My AM has broken both of her feet countless times just by walking on them. 40 years of drinking has left her with severely brittle bones. And yet the docs keep dishing up the pain pills that she washes down with her bourbon. Oh well. Not my monkey...
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And I do understand that bad things can happen w/no apparent reason--health-related things as well as other things.
I just think that years of drinking and smoking can pretty much be counted on NOT to do good things for one's health....
I'm certainly no paragon of virtue myself; my cross to bear is and has always been extra weight, as I tend to eat to comfort myself. I've learned a lot here and in Alanon in the past 2 years, and I'm making headway in this area also, oddly (or perhaps not so oddly).
I feel badly that he is injured. I feel badly that it was in any way associated w/me. Whether that makes it "my monkey" or "my circus" (thanks, NW, I love that phrase!), I guess I'll just have to take it step by step. Big exercise in acceptance here. Also a big lesson in how a thing can look and feel so different in the PM when it's dark and I'm tired than in the AM (wait, in the AM it's dark and I'm tired too....
)
The pumpkin cranberry bread awaits! I'll see you later and post today's "Language" reading--can hardly wait to see what it is, and I feel certain it will be as dead-on pertinent as all the other ones have been.
Hugs, folks!
I just think that years of drinking and smoking can pretty much be counted on NOT to do good things for one's health....
I'm certainly no paragon of virtue myself; my cross to bear is and has always been extra weight, as I tend to eat to comfort myself. I've learned a lot here and in Alanon in the past 2 years, and I'm making headway in this area also, oddly (or perhaps not so oddly).
I feel badly that he is injured. I feel badly that it was in any way associated w/me. Whether that makes it "my monkey" or "my circus" (thanks, NW, I love that phrase!), I guess I'll just have to take it step by step. Big exercise in acceptance here. Also a big lesson in how a thing can look and feel so different in the PM when it's dark and I'm tired than in the AM (wait, in the AM it's dark and I'm tired too....
)The pumpkin cranberry bread awaits! I'll see you later and post today's "Language" reading--can hardly wait to see what it is, and I feel certain it will be as dead-on pertinent as all the other ones have been.
Hugs, folks!
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I wouldn't give him any money.
I look at it this way, If you were divorced would this be your issue? legally speaking maybe it is (I don't think so), but He isn't asking so walk away from it. You are on your own now- $2500 is a lot. You simply aren't going to be able to get ahead and survive if AH's issues and $$ needs stay half your problem.
I look at it this way, If you were divorced would this be your issue? legally speaking maybe it is (I don't think so), but He isn't asking so walk away from it. You are on your own now- $2500 is a lot. You simply aren't going to be able to get ahead and survive if AH's issues and $$ needs stay half your problem.
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