Do alcoholics in denial EVER regret the pain they caused and what they lost??
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
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Im an alcoholic. When I was drinking my attitude was "my body, my life...kiss my butt" When the alcohol would wear off I was so upset with myself. What i could remember doing/saying, the way I acted I just knew was BAD. The mental obsession and physical withdraw would always have me drink again. Im in recovery now. I am harder on myself than anyone else would ever get the chance to be. Some people have come back around. Some people never will. Both is ok.
I feel really bad for you! I am so sorry this happened.
I feel really bad for you! I am so sorry this happened.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
This thread has helped me deal with my feelings regarding separated AH. My story is similar to yours in some ways and I have really engaged in all the responses. Thank you for your post. All the responses have been so helpful!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
With addicts, you have to provide your own closure.
To the OP - I think by definition a person in denial is incapable of acknowledging or accepting their issues or any collateral damage they've caused. I don't think that changes until they start an honest recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Sorry this happened to you. I'm sure he'll regret his behavior - if he ever sobers up, that is. And he'll have to at some point, trust me those chickens come home to roost. In the meantime, do what you can for yourself and your children. That means stop worrying about him and see if you can just move forward. Shut that door and watch another window open.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
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Some of us that recover do. There are always varying degrees with any addiction and even someone that is sober may still act selfish and immature. Getting sober does not guarantee all defects disappear.
An active alcoholic in denial? They regret a lot but their addiction masks the pain and the shame. They may hurt for a minute but alcohol will wash it right off. The more things we do that caused pain, the harder we drink to escape it. It is a vicious cycle. Alcohol relieved the pain, hurt and anger. Learning to sit in all that while sober and in recovery is not easy. It takes time and for some, that time never comes.
I am an alcoholic and I regret that I was not there emotionally for my children. Physically I was there. They had a home, food, clothes etc. but the loving caring mother that should have been there was not there. Many times my desire to drink made me unavailable.
Now there father was not there in either way. He saw them twice a month but never made any effort to see them or talk to them more often. As they became teenagers they saw him less and less. Of course as an alcoholic himself he took to the pity party rather than asking them to come over or inviting them over. He just spiraled down more. He died from his alcoholism. Our children were 18 and 20.
They never got the amends and I know that it weights on them. They loved their dad. They wanted to be with him and spend time with him but alcohol always took him away. I wish I could take their pain but I can’t. That is something that they have to get through if they want to. My son has buried his pain and my daughter goes on with it right on her sleeve. They both have not released it but they have that right and as a mother all I can do is love them and support them if they need me.
I have made amends to both of my children and continue a living amends. They are both very proud of me and happy I am sober. They are getting to know me as I am getting to know myself. I can’t change the past but can be the best mom I can be today and going forward. I will still make mistakes but at least today I can admit them, apologize for them and move on.
There is no way of knowing what will happen and my advice is to stop waiting. I know since you have children that the bond is always there, even in death, he is still the father of my children. Learning to let go, move on and forgive is all you can really do.
Remember, forgiveness does not mean you approve, it does not mean you trust, it does not mean you have to do anything with that person again, it just means that you are going to let go of the pain and move on. Forgiveness is for you and your daughter. If she can see you move on that may give her the strength to do the same.
Accept the things you cannot change and have the courage to change the things you can
An active alcoholic in denial? They regret a lot but their addiction masks the pain and the shame. They may hurt for a minute but alcohol will wash it right off. The more things we do that caused pain, the harder we drink to escape it. It is a vicious cycle. Alcohol relieved the pain, hurt and anger. Learning to sit in all that while sober and in recovery is not easy. It takes time and for some, that time never comes.
I am an alcoholic and I regret that I was not there emotionally for my children. Physically I was there. They had a home, food, clothes etc. but the loving caring mother that should have been there was not there. Many times my desire to drink made me unavailable.
Now there father was not there in either way. He saw them twice a month but never made any effort to see them or talk to them more often. As they became teenagers they saw him less and less. Of course as an alcoholic himself he took to the pity party rather than asking them to come over or inviting them over. He just spiraled down more. He died from his alcoholism. Our children were 18 and 20.
They never got the amends and I know that it weights on them. They loved their dad. They wanted to be with him and spend time with him but alcohol always took him away. I wish I could take their pain but I can’t. That is something that they have to get through if they want to. My son has buried his pain and my daughter goes on with it right on her sleeve. They both have not released it but they have that right and as a mother all I can do is love them and support them if they need me.
I have made amends to both of my children and continue a living amends. They are both very proud of me and happy I am sober. They are getting to know me as I am getting to know myself. I can’t change the past but can be the best mom I can be today and going forward. I will still make mistakes but at least today I can admit them, apologize for them and move on.
There is no way of knowing what will happen and my advice is to stop waiting. I know since you have children that the bond is always there, even in death, he is still the father of my children. Learning to let go, move on and forgive is all you can really do.
Remember, forgiveness does not mean you approve, it does not mean you trust, it does not mean you have to do anything with that person again, it just means that you are going to let go of the pain and move on. Forgiveness is for you and your daughter. If she can see you move on that may give her the strength to do the same.
Accept the things you cannot change and have the courage to change the things you can
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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My soon to be X is the best apologizer on the planet. He really is. That is the only thing that kept me around for so long. His apologies were sincere, articulate, completley honest, open, including deep self-reflection and were worthy of 2nd 3rd 20 50 chances.
The word sorry has no meaning to me anymore. And the apologies that I get randomly (when he's not being a jerk) now make me cringe.
So.. apologies aren't what they are cracked up to be. I suppose I would rather him apologize, than not - but if it makes you feel any better no apology from him was going to change him or change my decision to leave him and I don't feel any better knowing he is "sorry". It still is what it is.
He could say sorry all day long and twice on sunday but until he embraces a recovery program it will never change anything. And even if he did, his sorries are worthless to me. Not because I am bitter (and I am) but because it was just so overused and had no meaning.
The word sorry has no meaning to me anymore. And the apologies that I get randomly (when he's not being a jerk) now make me cringe.
So.. apologies aren't what they are cracked up to be. I suppose I would rather him apologize, than not - but if it makes you feel any better no apology from him was going to change him or change my decision to leave him and I don't feel any better knowing he is "sorry". It still is what it is.
He could say sorry all day long and twice on sunday but until he embraces a recovery program it will never change anything. And even if he did, his sorries are worthless to me. Not because I am bitter (and I am) but because it was just so overused and had no meaning.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Originally Posted by meggem
My soon to be X is the best apologizer on the planet. He really is. That is the only thing that kept me around for so long. His apologies were sincere, articulate, completley honest, open, including deep self-reflection and were worthy of 2nd 3rd 20 50 chances.
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My xabf was the same way!! He apologized often after a raging binge. He seemed sincerely sorry and maybe he was, but he was never sorry enough to be committed to a program or getting better. He was very aware of the destruction he was causing and admitted he was an alcoholic. I think this also kept me around after so many "I'm sorry's" .. i felt like i wanted to help him through it. I believe he does feel badly for all he has done to me and people in his past, but i also believe he has no idea how to cope with those feelings other than taking to the bottle.
He's a drifter... when one situation gets too bad to fix, he moves to the next "fresh start". He knew so much hurt and pain had been caused that there were no more promises and chances to be had.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by Magvnj
My regrets and the guilt associated with them made me drink all over again so I wouldn't feel the pain. Today I am sober 3 years and still have a slew of regrets but I try to make a living amends to my family. Today I am responsible, a good person and a good wife and mother. I have done damage but don't say sorry anymore. I can't talk my way out of something I behaved my way into. I just do the right thing everyday and each day the past is one day further. I acknowledge the pain I have cause but cannot change it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I would like to chime in on the regret thing. My A NEVER apologizes for his hurtful words, actions, etc. Talked about in therapy today how, even if he did apologize, I know he will do it again, so it kind of makes the apology meaningless anyway. Plus, his "apologies" are generally based on him getting something from me (sex or simply to lighten my mood to him drinking). He gets really nice when he doesn't want me ruining his buzz.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Do alcoholics in denial EVER regret the pain they caused and what they lost??
I don't know. I do know that we can reach a place of acceptance. I have no idea where my ex is on that path. I can theorize and analyze but I don't spend much time doing it. My life does not change one way or another. He is what he is today and I don't expect anything different. I have let go of any resentments I have over the past. He can't be someone he's not. My past, perceptions, experiences, feelings, pain, joy - all of it is mine.
We don't need them for validation and we can quit looking over our shoulder at them. Their regret and denial is their monkey to figure out. I'm not shackled to it and his recovery or lack of, awareness or lack of. His misery or happiness does not lesson or strengthen mine in any way.
Now - I divorced him. I separated from him in every way possible. I might be singing a different tune if that was not the case. I can't say. When I was married I had oceans of resentment and anger and was very much shackled to his monkeys and it was awful. But I had no recovery. I decided to leave and that is what led me to some recovery so I did it a little backwards.
I don't know. I do know that we can reach a place of acceptance. I have no idea where my ex is on that path. I can theorize and analyze but I don't spend much time doing it. My life does not change one way or another. He is what he is today and I don't expect anything different. I have let go of any resentments I have over the past. He can't be someone he's not. My past, perceptions, experiences, feelings, pain, joy - all of it is mine.
We don't need them for validation and we can quit looking over our shoulder at them. Their regret and denial is their monkey to figure out. I'm not shackled to it and his recovery or lack of, awareness or lack of. His misery or happiness does not lesson or strengthen mine in any way.
Now - I divorced him. I separated from him in every way possible. I might be singing a different tune if that was not the case. I can't say. When I was married I had oceans of resentment and anger and was very much shackled to his monkeys and it was awful. But I had no recovery. I decided to leave and that is what led me to some recovery so I did it a little backwards.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I don't think it's so much a question of understanding, actually. For you, it's a matter of acceptance. This takes time. You watch them fall, give up, become someone you don't recognize. You suffer from losing that person, and the illusion that they would never be capable of all the dreadful things they've now done. You miss what you once had.
Right now, you still feel connected to your A. Enough to want him to have certain feelings, enough to be angry with him, frustrated, questioning.
Mostly, I don't think about my xah any more. At least, not when anything new happens. So long as things are quiet I kind of see him as gone. Of course, that's probably why he keeps being a nuisance, so I can't stay in that comfortable place of having said good-bye to him. My next step I suppose is being able to stay detached even while he is actively being destructive to us, his family.
In general I have noticed that it is good to have no expectations of the A.
The work in moving forward is on yourself.
Right now, you still feel connected to your A. Enough to want him to have certain feelings, enough to be angry with him, frustrated, questioning.
Mostly, I don't think about my xah any more. At least, not when anything new happens. So long as things are quiet I kind of see him as gone. Of course, that's probably why he keeps being a nuisance, so I can't stay in that comfortable place of having said good-bye to him. My next step I suppose is being able to stay detached even while he is actively being destructive to us, his family.
In general I have noticed that it is good to have no expectations of the A.
The work in moving forward is on yourself.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
As one of those chronic apologizers I generally don't use "I'm sorry" anymore lest I'm wrong on info I received and spouted as truth. Other than that it's all about the doing. People know us by our actions. My in-laws commented that our house had a positive vibe yestesterday. Wife and I are 6 months sober so I guess it shows a little. After the booze is laid down there are the snarky behaviors. We're both learning to think just a bit before speaking. I also agree with Todd--some of us may never come fully to grips as the disassociation is indeed a circuit breaker. Bottom line is alcohol abets many in violating themselves and others that would not do so under the influence. Because we ARE our actions we begin to lower our standards so we can keep alcohol in the mix. Remove the alcohol and you can set the bar higher. We have and will continue--hope y'all do too.
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This is a keeper:
Remember, forgiveness does not mean you approve, it does not mean you trust, it does not mean you have to do anything with that person again, it just means that you are going to let go of the pain and move on. Forgiveness is for you and your daughter. If she can see you move on that may give her the strength to do the same.
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