12stepwife

I am happy my AH is in rehab once again. He has about 3 weeks left and will have 90 days in the facility. I'm hoping for the best but unfortunately I don't have a lot of faith based on past behavior. I have no doubt he wants this but I'm terrified of him coming home and starting the cycle again. But most of all I'm pissed off! I'm resentful of the financial situation he's put us in.... ( got a 4th DUI) , I'm resentful that he's off getting help wit no responsibilities while I'm here working to pay for everything like the house, cars, bills etc. Since he's been gone I've had to go through 2 surgeries alone and that pisses me off. His response to me having to have 2 cancerous lessons removed was "You will be OK". I had a breast cancer scare a few months ago and couldn't even get him sobered up enough to go with me for my biopsy. I'm pissed off that he now has no drivers license so I'm going to have to take him to AA meetings after I work all day and to DUI school. I'm pissed off that I have to use my vacation days to take him to court. I'm pissed off that the court keeps dragging this out, he's probably going to have to do some jail time an I'd like to get all this over with and behind us. Not to mention all he's put me through. How's he going to work with no drivers license? Sorry I just needed to vent!

mfanch

Get thee to Al-Anon pronto!!

Glad you are here. There is a lot of great info here.

firebolt

You don't have to take him anywhere - getting to AA, court, and work are something he should have to figure out. They are HIS consequences, not yours. Sending you lots of strength. I'm sorry you're in this situation - we all know it well. (((HUGS)))

Hope7726

I completely understand your anger and resentment.

Do you really HAVE to do all of those things? Shouldn't some of the responsibility fall on him?

lillamy

I second the suggestion of trying Al-Anon. It sounds like you're expecting life when he comes back to basically be like having a very large infant in the house again. He may have limitations on what he can do, but he's not a helpless infant. I would be cautious not to "help him" too much.

For example -- when he starts setting up his AA meeting, every meeting usually has a contact person he can call. Most AA meetings, there are people who are willing to drive around and pick people up (your RAH will be far from the only license-less AA member!). And if he's not able to find a ride, he can buy a bike. Or something. YOUR life doesn't have to circle around HIS needs. Part of his recovery process is to figure out how to handle life with the difficulties he has created for himself without a babysitter.

And you being angry isn't a bad thing. But you're angry at situations that haven't happened yet. That may never happen. Why should you take time off when he has court dates? Again, if there's not public transportation, he can ride a bike. It's his responsibility to make his court dates -- not yours.

schnappi99

What lillamy & hope said! As a codie I would feel bound to do all the helping and martyr myself. Concur w/ the alanon idea, even if you find another sort of recovery just learning that you do have the choice gives hope. Good luck!

FireSprite

Agree, agree, agree.... when RAH got his DUI & lost his license it was up to him to get to & from meetings, to his court appearances/legal appts, to find a job that he could get to & from each day. The only time I chauffeured him around was when it was family related events - like when DD had a family dance at school or something. I didn't want HER to suffer the consequences of his decisions & it was important to her for him to be there. (I should also mention he was sober/in recovery - I would not have accommodated him in ANY way if he had still been actively drinking.) He got a lot of rides & he developed a much closer relationship with his bike.

12stepwife

The first al-anon meeting I went to was a bunch of ladies that sat around talking about how glad they were that their A was dead, or in jail, or out of the state. I left feeling hopeless about my marraige and future. I attended another, a different meeting at another place. No one there was still in a relationship with their A. The resounding message was "leave him". I felt hopeless after attending both. I tried yet a 3rd location and that was just reading out loud from a book and some discussion. I left there feeling " it's all about me". I'm a wife, it's not all about me, it needs to be about us too doesn't it?

Carlotta

That's the way it should be in an healthy relationship, unfortunately when there is an active alcoholic involved, it is all about them.
By setting boundaries and reclaiming your own individuality and letting him deal with the consequences of his actions you get to reclaim yourself as an individual and you also give him the dignity to step up as a grown man.
This gives a chance for the us of a relationship to flourish down the line.
Reread the original post but instead of 12stepwife as the OP, visualize one of us writing it.
How would it sounds to you? What would you advise us to do?

schnappi99

There are strong meetings and weak ones, it took me a few to find a group that I felt at home in but it was obvious when I did. But it may take a while- reading together and some discussion is at the core of what the meetings are about. Coming in hot, fresh from the crisis or in the midst of it, the value of the meetings may not be apparent yet. Please do give it time- learning to do that is maybe the 1st thing I learned. But Alanon is all about the friends/family of the addict.

Hope7726

What we learn in Al/Nar-Anon is that we have no control over our A. We are powerless over their addiction. We can only control ourselves and our reactions so we work to improve ourselves and find happiness/serenity whether we have an active A in our lives or not. We learn to create boundaries.

The best way to help your husband during his recovery is to stay out of his way (obvi help when asked) and focus on yourself. He has to want to recover and he is the only one who can work his program. You are very resentful and that's all going to come out eventually, most likely directed right at hubby. That's not helping him or you. Did you grab any literature at any of your meetings? It's really helpful.

NWGRITS

People have been getting around without cars just fine for quite a while now. He can manage to figure something out. These are HIS consequences. HIS. Thou swooping in to make things comfortable for him is NOT helping. It's enabling. Use your car to get yourself to Al-Anon. He can take a bus, taxi, bicycle, or carpool.

hopeful4

I can tell you after my XAH had legal issues, I told him he was on his own. It REALLY made him mad that I would not go to his court dates, talk to his attorney, etc. That was his problem as I had to maintain my own sanity. So I made sure when those things came up to not be around, I would literally go out of town. Mostly happened in the summer and we are big campers so I would go w/the rest of my family and do other things. I could not deal with all of that.

Time reveals a lot of things. If he is being court ordered to rehab or only doing it to stay out of jail, don't expect much. Although I will say, 90 days is better than only 30.

I highly recommend therapy on your own with a counselor who specializes in families with addiction. It helped me so very much.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. XXX

AnvilheadII

I'm a wife, it's not all about me, it needs to be about us too doesn't it?

i sure don't see your HUSBAND worried about the US thing....certainly not when he kept choosing to drink and drive (thank GOD he didn't kill anyone), in the midst of his second stint at rehab, showing no concern about YOUR health concerns or the financial mess HE left. there is no US right now....

you are a unique individual separate from your husband. and this is a time in your life of great chaos and upheaval. YOU need help and support that is focused solely on YOU.

you don't HAVE to cart his butt around....HE lost his license, not YOU....so HE can damn well figure out for HIMSELF how to get from point A to point B. if MY car breaks downs nobody acts as my chauffeur. nobody else makes sure i get to work or to any other appointment. cuz i'm a grown up and that's what grown ups DO.

let him be a grown up. don't baby, coddle, fix, rescue, soothe, ease, pave the way or intervene. he thought he was a real cowboy getting hammered and then getting behind the wheel of a 4000 pound vehicle and careening down the highway. let him cowboy up NOW.

Seren

Hello 12stepwife,

You are absolutely allowed to feel anger and resentment for all that is happening. Have you been able to speak about how hurt and angry you are feeling with your husband in a family session at his rehab? It seems a perfect opportunity to bring these feelings of yours out into the open while he is in a controlled environment for 3 more weeks. It might be helpful for him to see the full reality of this situation and would allow you a chance for healing as well.

POAndrea

What EVERYONE said! I don't think all these things automatically fall onto your shoulders (though as the only functional adult in a household, it sure feels like it sometimes, doesn't it?) I truly believe you get to pick and choose how you help your AH, or even if at all.

I too experienced resentment, and still do on occasion. (Ooooh-the fury, the all- consuming, blind RAGE I felt!) But I'm trying to view that anger as information and use it as a tool to identify and address issues before they get to the point where there is just no healthy response. When I feel resentment now, I think "hey, this here is important. Pay attention!" Doesn't always make it feel any better, but it does help me ACT better.

dandylion

12stepwife....if you have not read the book "Co-dependent No More"....now would be the perfect time to do it. It is a frequently recommended book on this site.
I think a lot will resonate with you....

dandylion

LittleBirds3

Oh, man. Do I emphasize with you.

I sort of feel like my AH is using his "rehab" time (note: he is currently awaiting a spot in a treatment center, so while he is not drinking right now, he is sitting around at his relative's house doing whatever) as a "vacation." Meanwhile I am taking care of our young children, paying all the bills, etc... And I am PISSED because things are falling apart around me but it isn't MY FAULT.

And, I KNOW you want him to get help, and you feel obligated to drive him to AA, etc... but you have to drop the rope. I really believe he will only recover if you let him do it on his own - and you will only feel independent and not-resentful if you stop "doing" for him.

Good luck!