LifeRecovery

Dear all-

My story in a nutshell. I moved out west 15 years ago after college. I did this in part to make my own way and in part because I knew I was not going to be able to be my own person around my very long-term friends and family. Finally I did this because I got a great and fulfilling first job. All of my immediate family (and most of my extended family) resides in the North East.

I have lived with an eating disorder since I was a young girl and as soon as I moved out here I began getting help for that.

I met, loved and married a problem drinker as I was working my own recovery. I have been working some kind of recovery now for almost 15 years.

I am going home in January for a three week stint. It is planned and I am happy to be going. I have a family member who is having surgery and he will need some assistance. My mother who he runs a farm with will also need some help as he will be out of commission for some time.

I am really starting to realize though that underneath the surface I am scared of this trip. Though I had a physically very safe childhood and got raised in a great place with lots of places to run and play, I did not get a lot of my needs met in the emotional realm. This is mainly because I think both of my parents grew up in alcoholic homes (I know my mother did) and there is a lot of untreated codependency on both sides.

I think I am finally in a place in my healing to face this....head on. I think I am terrified because I am in a place in my life that I am considering relocating home and I think I am using this trip as a way of figuring out if that is safe and okay for me. I think my healing and recovery will create some waves. This is not because I think I will fight with my family but just because I am an emotional being and I am not afraid to have that, talk about it or share that in my life. I know there will be some ripple effect from that. Also I am concerned that my brother may have a drinking problem. I overall don't struggle with this because I live 2800 miles away, but as I think about this trip it does strike fear for me.

I know I am overthinking this. I have been willing to talk to my therapist about it.

I think I am curious for ESH regarding taking your recovery on the road with your friends, family and other loved ones. I can attend Al-Anon meetings while I am there, and I will have phone sessions with my therapist, but I am hitting the stuff that in my belief system created the perfect storm for me.

I figure with the holiday week that this is a theme that might be coming up for others too.

Thanks

dandylion

LifeRecovery...speaking in general terms...it is almost impossible to go "home again" and re-experience the nostalgia of your childhood---very especially so if there is family dysfunction to boot.

My sister did almost the same thing you are talking about a few years ago...
She calls it the worst mistake of her adult life that she has ever made.

dandylion

LifeRecovery

I am guessing you mean moving back? Or the trip itself?

dandylion

I mean the moving back to take residence in our old home town.

Are you afraid of the trip itself???

My sister rented a u-haul and drove it from Arizona to the east coast.

dandylion

LifeRecovery

I am fearful of the trip because I am in a new place in my recovery. I no longer want to "stuff it all in," and pretend it is all okay. I don't know how that will change my relationships.

The only relationship I am not fearful of this change is with my dad. He was the only one who at times expressed emotion. I thought he was odd and "wrong" for a long time because of that.....

Now I realize that not feeling emotion is a huge problem....and my mothers whole family does that.

LexieCat

It sounds to me a little bit like you're projecting from a three-week trip how it would feel to move back there. Part of the whole point of this trip (in addition to helping your folks), you said, is to test the waters.

I think you will be safe for three weeks. If it doesn't feel OK then you have your answer as to whether moving back is a good idea. You can go on the trip and process how you felt when you come back. You don't have to figure the whole plan out right now. And you don't have to decide before you come back, either.

LifeRecovery

All really true!

I was not fearful of the trip until it became a "testing the waters." It was not an option previously to move back because of other circumstances.

After the testing the waters became apparent then hit the oh this trip might be challenging because of my recovery.

It is not all bad. I have seen many people in recovery have to work with their family stuff......I just don't have it in my face all the time because of the distance. I know it is time to work on this stuff. Thanks

LexieCat

And I just want to say, even if you DO decide you want to "deal with family stuff" you can do that without uprooting your life to do it.

I moved back to the town where I grew up after living on the other side of the country for fifteen years. I loved my hometown, and thought it would be great to go back (I only have one brother and an aunt that still live there and no "issues" with anyone to resolve). Among other things that went wrong, I moved back with an alcoholic I had just married who promptly went back to drinking. But even in the absence of that issue, the area had changed SO much that it no longer felt like home to me. When the marriage finally was beyond all hope I moved back to the East Coast and I enjoy my visits back there but I have NO desire to live there any longer.

Sometimes you really can't "go home again" and you have to find other ways of dealing with the issues if you want to be happy. Just another thought that might or might not be relevant to you.

LifeRecovery

Part of it is that I am ready to get OUT of where I live, and I think I have this idea that it would only make sense to do this if I move back home. I mean I own a house, have great friends, a good job etc, I can afford where I live as a single girl etc.

I always figured I would move home....but now that it is actually an option I don't know if that is what I want. I am glad I am paying attention to my feelings.

On a positive front I am going to a financial planner next week to see where I stand on lots of things and if I am even in a place to consider some changes in my life. I know that it is time to shake things up.....I just don't have a great sense on what I truly want and what that will look like as a result.

LifeRecovery

Part of it is that I am ready to get OUT of where I live, and I think I have this idea that it would only make sense to do this if I move back home. I mean I own a house, have great friends, a good job etc, I can afford where I live as a single girl etc.

I always figured I would move home....but now that it is actually an option I don't know if that is what I want. I am glad I am paying attention to my feelings.

On a positive front I am going to a financial planner next week to see where I stand on lots of things and if I am even in a place to consider some changes in my life. I know that it is time to shake things up.....I just don't have a great sense on what I truly want and what that will look like as a result. Sometimes having options can make making decisions harder for me.

FeelingGreat

Hey LR, as a person living a long way from my FOI, I can say just be prepared for people to pick up where they left off with you, rather than see that you stopped being that person years ago.My FOI still assume I'm still the slightly scatter-brained person I was before I left home. I haven't been for years.
I do understand the attraction of moving back though, as I feel that way too, and have to remind myself that my life is in the west. A 3 week trip should be a good trial anyway. You may find you miss your friends and neighbourhood a lot more than you think. And be careful of moving into old emotional patterns.