Don't care about the psychology behind it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Don't care about the psychology behind it
Just a vent.
Dear A, I don't care that your childhood was bitter. I don't care that your dad abandoned you. I don't care that your mom had men in and out of your house growing up and left you with little respect towards women. I don't care that you are insecure. I only care that you have chosen me as a target. You deserved better as a child, but I cannot fix you!!! I simply cannot fix you.
Dear therapist, I don't care that my mom was awful and abusive and that is probably the reason I have chose abusive relationships. I don't care that my absent father pushed me to create my own family at much too young an age. I don't care anymore. I don't care that I didn't learn how to love and respect myself. I don't care that I have to learn all this crap NOW instead of when I was a little kid.
Dear me: I don't care that your hurting. You need to push through. You don't have the luxury of lingering and sifting through the BS also known as "feelings". You chose to marry him, you chose to ignore the red flags, you chose to stay with your ex after sooo many years of abuse and then chose to find yet ANOTHER abuser. I have lost sympathy for you.
I am mad again today. I don't have days like this all the time. But today, I don't care about the psychology behind the behavior. I DON"T CARE. All I care about it that I'm sick of feeling sick and tired. Where is this thing they call life? I simply see survival and my fight or flight is CONSTANTLY going.
Sorry, just having a day when I just don't WANT to understand. I don't care.
Thanks for the vent.
Dear A, I don't care that your childhood was bitter. I don't care that your dad abandoned you. I don't care that your mom had men in and out of your house growing up and left you with little respect towards women. I don't care that you are insecure. I only care that you have chosen me as a target. You deserved better as a child, but I cannot fix you!!! I simply cannot fix you.
Dear therapist, I don't care that my mom was awful and abusive and that is probably the reason I have chose abusive relationships. I don't care that my absent father pushed me to create my own family at much too young an age. I don't care anymore. I don't care that I didn't learn how to love and respect myself. I don't care that I have to learn all this crap NOW instead of when I was a little kid.
Dear me: I don't care that your hurting. You need to push through. You don't have the luxury of lingering and sifting through the BS also known as "feelings". You chose to marry him, you chose to ignore the red flags, you chose to stay with your ex after sooo many years of abuse and then chose to find yet ANOTHER abuser. I have lost sympathy for you.
I am mad again today. I don't have days like this all the time. But today, I don't care about the psychology behind the behavior. I DON"T CARE. All I care about it that I'm sick of feeling sick and tired. Where is this thing they call life? I simply see survival and my fight or flight is CONSTANTLY going.
Sorry, just having a day when I just don't WANT to understand. I don't care.
Thanks for the vent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Freetosmile
There is some psychology involved in the 12 Steps, but you're right, the Solution is spiritual in nature.
Your post is mature, you are trying to stay out of self-pity - but be gentle with yourself too. God is absolutely crazy about you.
Recovery is never about blaming others or ourselves. There's no judgment. It's just about finding a spiritual way to feel, think and act differently from here.
Knowledge alone is useless until the Process is done. The relief is amazing.
There Is A Solution. We don't have to just exist.
In our hearts, we know what Book holds the key.
It wasn't all for naught - not if we are willing to scour the ends of the earth for this Solution.
May God bless you and keep you until then.
There is some psychology involved in the 12 Steps, but you're right, the Solution is spiritual in nature.
Your post is mature, you are trying to stay out of self-pity - but be gentle with yourself too. God is absolutely crazy about you.
Recovery is never about blaming others or ourselves. There's no judgment. It's just about finding a spiritual way to feel, think and act differently from here.
Knowledge alone is useless until the Process is done. The relief is amazing.
There Is A Solution. We don't have to just exist.
In our hearts, we know what Book holds the key.
It wasn't all for naught - not if we are willing to scour the ends of the earth for this Solution.
May God bless you and keep you until then.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thank you so much for posting!! It took quite a while for me to get to the point where I stopped trying to figure out the reason for everything, which is pointless. Things are what they are and it's up to me to change what I need to change. Leave the alcoholic and deal with my own character defects so I don't continue to pick the same losers over and over again. What a coincidence, I used to think. Blah! No, it was me picking screwed up men to make my life miserable. Thank you Alanon!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Freetosmile, that is a great post. Results not reasons. I agree.
It is often very helpful to know the reasons. But if you stop there, well what's the point? But if you *don't* stop there - if you take your understanding of the reasons and change your behavior, change your reactions, then you can move forward and live a happier life.
God bless!
It is often very helpful to know the reasons. But if you stop there, well what's the point? But if you *don't* stop there - if you take your understanding of the reasons and change your behavior, change your reactions, then you can move forward and live a happier life.
God bless!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Even through all of this anger, I hope you can remember to be gentle to yourself. You're the only YOU you've got. We've all made (and re-made) mistakes. It's ok to be angry with yourself, but I hope you can find some forgiveness and some space for understanding. It sounds to me like you're just exhausted--we all have those days. But, fwiw, I don't see you wallowing in self pity; I see you struggling to navigate your life with as much love and hope for happiness as you can bring to the table.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello freetosmile,
Dr. Gordon Livingston says it best: "The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas." Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart is a little gem.
It's one thing to identify key impacts in the process of righting one's directional ship. But your childhood is not an excuse for ongoing poor behavior or choices. Knowing why someone or something triggers you something awful is helpful to breathe through the trigger and decide to react in a new way.
Sounds like you are working on your new way on many fronts. Maybe you are flaming out and need a breather? Why beat yourself up?
Dr. Gordon Livingston says it best: "The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas." Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart is a little gem.
It's one thing to identify key impacts in the process of righting one's directional ship. But your childhood is not an excuse for ongoing poor behavior or choices. Knowing why someone or something triggers you something awful is helpful to breathe through the trigger and decide to react in a new way.
Sounds like you are working on your new way on many fronts. Maybe you are flaming out and need a breather? Why beat yourself up?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
OMGosh I am so happy I found this site!! Freetosmile, we are walking in the same shoes by reading your post. And I came here to help and get help. It helps to know that none of us are unique. So many stories I have heard that are identical to what we go through.
I want to introduce myself a little. Forgive me if I make this lengthy.
10 years ago I was happy in my life. I met a woman. She was very nice. But nothing I was willing to stop my life for. Many women are nice and I get along well with them. She and I got along and I kept her at a friendly but respected distance. She had a good job, but a horrible personal life. It wasn't my life and I wasn't living it and I did not judge. She had a lot of good qualities that I admired. I respected her and figured she would resolve her dramas in whatever way she needed. We got along well in this manner. She was just going through a "rough patch".
I am an educated man. Traveled the world. Met all sorts of people And I had been around alcoholics so I didn't make assumptions about her being an alcoholic. I thought I knew what an alcoholic was. I didn't think she was. But I recognized and in a friendly way said, "You like drinking more than I am comfortable being around so when you drink I will refrain from being around you." Friendly, matter of fact, peaceful and we were good. Or I later learned at least I was good with that.
I continued seeing her as a friend. Nothing sexual at all in our relationship. And I can honestly say I never saw her drink more than 1 or on a rare occasion 2 when we were out an about. No problems. That wasn't an alcoholic.
But she always had dramas in her life. I simply said, your life is yours, you need to work them out. Not my business. Looking back on this, I regret not leaving us at that. She goes her way and I go mine. But alas it wasn't to be.
Slowly over time she began to reach out to me. "You have your life together" "You are open about your mistakes" "You are a responsible stable person" "People look up to you". "Please help me get better with my life." I said OK But I will need to know your story. I can't help without an education into you.
And it poured out of her. Same story I'm sure has been told, but it was the first time in my life I ever been around such a dysfunctional childhood. She had a horrible story and I felt crushed that any human being had to go through this as a kid. It made me think about how good I had it and I wanted to help this woman shake this off and build a better life going forward. I had had a tough childhood filled with abuse and I made out OK, so let me lead by example I guess is the only way I can say it.
That was the beginning of the downward spiral into alcoholism. Her alcoholism.
The first drama I took responsibility for. She told me how I was responsible. I accepted it and put it behind me. Knowing what not to do again. The 2nd drama was my responsibility. I resisted a bit this time but we talked it out. Again I took the role of being at fault. It was easier than arguing, she was a lot better at it than I was. This has now established how things were going to be for the next 10 years. I don't need to share it here.
In the 10 years I have known her, I have sought help for depression, elevated blood pressure, sleep disorders, irritability, sexual dysfunction. None of which I ever had in my life before. None of which I ever attributed to her being an alcoholic. I was simply ignorant to what alcoholism is and how it takes everyone around it down. I just sought out professional help because I was no longer at peace with me. At no time did I ever have the knowledge that my now g/f was an AK.
Finally when I had had enough of always being at blame, the plane was crashing and it is on fire headed for certain death, I was done and said I can't do this. I even said Look It doesn't matter if you need me to be responsible for this. We are broken and I can't do this anymore.
Like this new bolt of lightning had just struck. She admitted she had a drinking problem. I know you have a drinking problem, I have been asking you for 10 years to consider that you did. You don't think I can't figure out that you don't drink around me but as soon as I'm gone....Ms Hyde is awoken. And now after you have managed to make a wreck out of us, you decide you have a problem?
"Well I need help" she says. To which I agree and was thankful she saw that. I resented that she let it get this bad, but I was thankful that she finally saw it. OK , Get help and I will support you. 1 month into AA and she ask me to please go to Al-Anon so you can get help also.
Wait...what?....I don't need help, I am not the one drinking here. So at first I resisted needing help.
Now for a bit about me personally. I tend to be very evidence oriented. Scientific. I have worked on both the Space Shuttle Program as well as gotten a scholarship to medical school. I understand quantitative facts and evidence and logic. I am not a Christian, nor am I Atheist. My belief is that God placed us here via evolution and that God is responsible for that evolutionary process by virtue of the creation made. Aside from this, my religious beliefs are based on studying and being exposed to as many religions as possible. No religion is better than the next and ultimately we are responsible for our actions in life. Good and bad. I do not believe the Devil makes us do anything anymore than God does. We are here to steer our own ships. Aside from genetic flaws or genetic attributes, we all start out equal. Psychology classes taught me that we are also a product of brain defects or brain gifts, social influence, parenting skills, social and economic virtues or lack thereof, but all of these can be influenced by the choices we make in life. I don't begrudge anyone better off than me and I don't belittle those that are lower than I am. But I do believe in accountability and education and responsibility.
So after her first 30 days, it comes time to hear her first pass at what AA is teaching her. Some good some not so good but I accept that it is a process and that while not perfect, she has at least made an attempt. So I agreed I would go to Al-Anon.
Here is what I know.
- My AGF is 3rd generation alcoholic. My genetics classes taught me that there was a link to alcoholism in families. Had she told me that she had 2 generations ahead of her that were AK's the red flag would have been there years ago. Instead there was no mention of 2 previous generations of this.
- My AGF is smart enough that despite anything anyone tells her, she will find a way to do whatever she wants to do. No matter what energy I expend trying to alter that it is in the end energy wasted. Going to a funeral at work so I won't be available tomorrow, is code for I am going to hook up with my alcohol friendly ex and have sex in a drunken bender. Or, I need you to watch my daughter as I have a must attend function for work out of town, is code for the same thing just a different man.
- Trying to check up on the thousand of schemes they have to continue drinking, will only leave you exhausted, depressed and disappointed. And it simply challenges them to create something smarter than you are thinking. Go ahead, feel stupid, trust me we earned that feeling.
-This is bigger than you or I. It is bigger than us and it is bigger than anything you think you can provide. This is where I let the "Higher Power" take control. That higher power is my AGF and her ability to make choices. If she wants to cheat, she will, if she wants to drink, she will, if she wants to lie, she will. That is her choice, not mine. Neither you nor I are are the REASON it happens. But we do NOT have to allow it to be part of our lives. Set boundaries. AND KEEP THEM!
And please do not take this next paragraph as a knock against AA because I am not. Here is how my AGF will use AA to NOT be accountable.
- If the RA wants to leave it up to God to steer them, this can allow them to make God accountable should they veer off course. AA says if you fall off the wagon, you simply start over. The RA is only accountable to the "Higher Power". Not to the sponsor or the family members or to themselves, if they can rely on the "Higher Power" as they chose to understand it. That last part "as they choose to understand it" is the key that will cause my AGF to rationalize that she can drink and it won't be her fault.
-Do not be ashamed that you got pulled down into this vortex. Because we are caring and compassionate is exactly what the AK needs to draw from. The reason my AGF had dramas in her life, was because she was worth more as a drunken ***** than she was in any other capacity to men. When she sobered up and wanted to have something besides sex, they knew she was to be steered clear of. She didn't like it, but in order to feel needed, she knew that getting drunk and providing a sexual outlet for whatever man she could get drunk with, was the pattern that allowed drinking to be OK. Up until me, she had no other example to go by. And my interest in her was not sexual so I presented a moral problem for her.
- Do reach out. Until I went to Al Anon I would have never dreamed to look for a board like this. I personally don't feel Al-Anon is right for my recovery, but just being able to have a common ground to share without judgment, has helped tremendously.
-Do reach out for professional help if you can. My time spent in therapy has been priceless for my ability to help look at it in a HEALTHY manner. When my AGF had been in AA for a month, I called my shrink and said...I need to interject a fact I didn't know was present. I have learned that my g/f is an alcoholic, could this be the reason I am having all of these issues. It was an immediate and resounding "YES". We had spent 3 years tearing into every crevice of my life trying to figure out why I was depressed, etc. She was searching just like I was. Once that light switched on she said I need to see you for a couple sessions. The weight lifted off of me has been measurable. My B/P is back to normal. I am gaining weight, I am wanting to engage in life again. My motorcycle which was my therapy and love of my idle life had sat for 3 years unused. I kept saying it was because I was too busy. I wasn't. It was just where I would go and start thinking about how miserable I felt. I found myself wandering into the "If I just turn my right wrist and go fast enough, If I hit that oncoming truck, I would be at peace and go down doing something I loved" thoughts. Now I can ride to enjoy the freedom and the tension release it provides.
-Most importantly. LET IT GO! The sooner we learn to do that the sooner we can start caring about us.
And my last input for this is the same one that helped me start to rebuild. It sounds stupidly easy but I bet you find it to be as hard as I did.
Your goal for today is: Do or find one thing that makes YOU and ONLY YOU happy. I failed at this miserably. I called my shrink and said I couldn't do it today. Her response. Then you try again tomorrow until you accomplish this.
It took me a week to find something. For me it was committing my thoughts to paper. Somehow for me that process helps me. I keep a journal. And it POURS out of me!!!!
Once I can get it out and see how I corner myself with thoughts, I can write my map out.
I so want to help others find peace. If you leave your AK, its OK. No matter how hard you think it is, it only empowers your AK to keep you in misery if you stay in an unchanged life. Hold the AK accountable....period.
I want to introduce myself a little. Forgive me if I make this lengthy.
10 years ago I was happy in my life. I met a woman. She was very nice. But nothing I was willing to stop my life for. Many women are nice and I get along well with them. She and I got along and I kept her at a friendly but respected distance. She had a good job, but a horrible personal life. It wasn't my life and I wasn't living it and I did not judge. She had a lot of good qualities that I admired. I respected her and figured she would resolve her dramas in whatever way she needed. We got along well in this manner. She was just going through a "rough patch".
I am an educated man. Traveled the world. Met all sorts of people And I had been around alcoholics so I didn't make assumptions about her being an alcoholic. I thought I knew what an alcoholic was. I didn't think she was. But I recognized and in a friendly way said, "You like drinking more than I am comfortable being around so when you drink I will refrain from being around you." Friendly, matter of fact, peaceful and we were good. Or I later learned at least I was good with that.
I continued seeing her as a friend. Nothing sexual at all in our relationship. And I can honestly say I never saw her drink more than 1 or on a rare occasion 2 when we were out an about. No problems. That wasn't an alcoholic.
But she always had dramas in her life. I simply said, your life is yours, you need to work them out. Not my business. Looking back on this, I regret not leaving us at that. She goes her way and I go mine. But alas it wasn't to be.
Slowly over time she began to reach out to me. "You have your life together" "You are open about your mistakes" "You are a responsible stable person" "People look up to you". "Please help me get better with my life." I said OK But I will need to know your story. I can't help without an education into you.
And it poured out of her. Same story I'm sure has been told, but it was the first time in my life I ever been around such a dysfunctional childhood. She had a horrible story and I felt crushed that any human being had to go through this as a kid. It made me think about how good I had it and I wanted to help this woman shake this off and build a better life going forward. I had had a tough childhood filled with abuse and I made out OK, so let me lead by example I guess is the only way I can say it.
That was the beginning of the downward spiral into alcoholism. Her alcoholism.
The first drama I took responsibility for. She told me how I was responsible. I accepted it and put it behind me. Knowing what not to do again. The 2nd drama was my responsibility. I resisted a bit this time but we talked it out. Again I took the role of being at fault. It was easier than arguing, she was a lot better at it than I was. This has now established how things were going to be for the next 10 years. I don't need to share it here.
In the 10 years I have known her, I have sought help for depression, elevated blood pressure, sleep disorders, irritability, sexual dysfunction. None of which I ever had in my life before. None of which I ever attributed to her being an alcoholic. I was simply ignorant to what alcoholism is and how it takes everyone around it down. I just sought out professional help because I was no longer at peace with me. At no time did I ever have the knowledge that my now g/f was an AK.
Finally when I had had enough of always being at blame, the plane was crashing and it is on fire headed for certain death, I was done and said I can't do this. I even said Look It doesn't matter if you need me to be responsible for this. We are broken and I can't do this anymore.
Like this new bolt of lightning had just struck. She admitted she had a drinking problem. I know you have a drinking problem, I have been asking you for 10 years to consider that you did. You don't think I can't figure out that you don't drink around me but as soon as I'm gone....Ms Hyde is awoken. And now after you have managed to make a wreck out of us, you decide you have a problem?
"Well I need help" she says. To which I agree and was thankful she saw that. I resented that she let it get this bad, but I was thankful that she finally saw it. OK , Get help and I will support you. 1 month into AA and she ask me to please go to Al-Anon so you can get help also.
Wait...what?....I don't need help, I am not the one drinking here. So at first I resisted needing help.
Now for a bit about me personally. I tend to be very evidence oriented. Scientific. I have worked on both the Space Shuttle Program as well as gotten a scholarship to medical school. I understand quantitative facts and evidence and logic. I am not a Christian, nor am I Atheist. My belief is that God placed us here via evolution and that God is responsible for that evolutionary process by virtue of the creation made. Aside from this, my religious beliefs are based on studying and being exposed to as many religions as possible. No religion is better than the next and ultimately we are responsible for our actions in life. Good and bad. I do not believe the Devil makes us do anything anymore than God does. We are here to steer our own ships. Aside from genetic flaws or genetic attributes, we all start out equal. Psychology classes taught me that we are also a product of brain defects or brain gifts, social influence, parenting skills, social and economic virtues or lack thereof, but all of these can be influenced by the choices we make in life. I don't begrudge anyone better off than me and I don't belittle those that are lower than I am. But I do believe in accountability and education and responsibility.
So after her first 30 days, it comes time to hear her first pass at what AA is teaching her. Some good some not so good but I accept that it is a process and that while not perfect, she has at least made an attempt. So I agreed I would go to Al-Anon.
Here is what I know.
- My AGF is 3rd generation alcoholic. My genetics classes taught me that there was a link to alcoholism in families. Had she told me that she had 2 generations ahead of her that were AK's the red flag would have been there years ago. Instead there was no mention of 2 previous generations of this.
- My AGF is smart enough that despite anything anyone tells her, she will find a way to do whatever she wants to do. No matter what energy I expend trying to alter that it is in the end energy wasted. Going to a funeral at work so I won't be available tomorrow, is code for I am going to hook up with my alcohol friendly ex and have sex in a drunken bender. Or, I need you to watch my daughter as I have a must attend function for work out of town, is code for the same thing just a different man.
- Trying to check up on the thousand of schemes they have to continue drinking, will only leave you exhausted, depressed and disappointed. And it simply challenges them to create something smarter than you are thinking. Go ahead, feel stupid, trust me we earned that feeling.
-This is bigger than you or I. It is bigger than us and it is bigger than anything you think you can provide. This is where I let the "Higher Power" take control. That higher power is my AGF and her ability to make choices. If she wants to cheat, she will, if she wants to drink, she will, if she wants to lie, she will. That is her choice, not mine. Neither you nor I are are the REASON it happens. But we do NOT have to allow it to be part of our lives. Set boundaries. AND KEEP THEM!
And please do not take this next paragraph as a knock against AA because I am not. Here is how my AGF will use AA to NOT be accountable.
- If the RA wants to leave it up to God to steer them, this can allow them to make God accountable should they veer off course. AA says if you fall off the wagon, you simply start over. The RA is only accountable to the "Higher Power". Not to the sponsor or the family members or to themselves, if they can rely on the "Higher Power" as they chose to understand it. That last part "as they choose to understand it" is the key that will cause my AGF to rationalize that she can drink and it won't be her fault.
-Do not be ashamed that you got pulled down into this vortex. Because we are caring and compassionate is exactly what the AK needs to draw from. The reason my AGF had dramas in her life, was because she was worth more as a drunken ***** than she was in any other capacity to men. When she sobered up and wanted to have something besides sex, they knew she was to be steered clear of. She didn't like it, but in order to feel needed, she knew that getting drunk and providing a sexual outlet for whatever man she could get drunk with, was the pattern that allowed drinking to be OK. Up until me, she had no other example to go by. And my interest in her was not sexual so I presented a moral problem for her.
- Do reach out. Until I went to Al Anon I would have never dreamed to look for a board like this. I personally don't feel Al-Anon is right for my recovery, but just being able to have a common ground to share without judgment, has helped tremendously.
-Do reach out for professional help if you can. My time spent in therapy has been priceless for my ability to help look at it in a HEALTHY manner. When my AGF had been in AA for a month, I called my shrink and said...I need to interject a fact I didn't know was present. I have learned that my g/f is an alcoholic, could this be the reason I am having all of these issues. It was an immediate and resounding "YES". We had spent 3 years tearing into every crevice of my life trying to figure out why I was depressed, etc. She was searching just like I was. Once that light switched on she said I need to see you for a couple sessions. The weight lifted off of me has been measurable. My B/P is back to normal. I am gaining weight, I am wanting to engage in life again. My motorcycle which was my therapy and love of my idle life had sat for 3 years unused. I kept saying it was because I was too busy. I wasn't. It was just where I would go and start thinking about how miserable I felt. I found myself wandering into the "If I just turn my right wrist and go fast enough, If I hit that oncoming truck, I would be at peace and go down doing something I loved" thoughts. Now I can ride to enjoy the freedom and the tension release it provides.
-Most importantly. LET IT GO! The sooner we learn to do that the sooner we can start caring about us.
And my last input for this is the same one that helped me start to rebuild. It sounds stupidly easy but I bet you find it to be as hard as I did.
Your goal for today is: Do or find one thing that makes YOU and ONLY YOU happy. I failed at this miserably. I called my shrink and said I couldn't do it today. Her response. Then you try again tomorrow until you accomplish this.
It took me a week to find something. For me it was committing my thoughts to paper. Somehow for me that process helps me. I keep a journal. And it POURS out of me!!!!
Once I can get it out and see how I corner myself with thoughts, I can write my map out.
I so want to help others find peace. If you leave your AK, its OK. No matter how hard you think it is, it only empowers your AK to keep you in misery if you stay in an unchanged life. Hold the AK accountable....period.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
And actually it can turn into a negative if we focus too much on the psychology,sometimes we just have to push through.
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
Just a vent.
Dear A, I don't care that your childhood was bitter. I don't care that your dad abandoned you. I don't care that your mom had men in and out of your house growing up and left you with little respect towards women. I don't care that you are insecure. I only care that you have chosen me as a target. You deserved better as a child, but I cannot fix you!!! I simply cannot fix you.
Dear therapist, I don't care that my mom was awful and abusive and that is probably the reason I have chose abusive relationships. I don't care that my absent father pushed me to create my own family at much too young an age. I don't care anymore. I don't care that I didn't learn how to love and respect myself. I don't care that I have to learn all this crap NOW instead of when I was a little kid.
Dear me: I don't care that your hurting. You need to push through. You don't have the luxury of lingering and sifting through the BS also known as "feelings". You chose to marry him, you chose to ignore the red flags, you chose to stay with your ex after sooo many years of abuse and then chose to find yet ANOTHER abuser. I have lost sympathy for you.
I am mad again today. I don't have days like this all the time. But today, I don't care about the psychology behind the behavior. I DON"T CARE. All I care about it that I'm sick of feeling sick and tired. Where is this thing they call life? I simply see survival and my fight or flight is CONSTANTLY going.
Sorry, just having a day when I just don't WANT to understand. I don't care.
Thanks for the vent.
Dear A, I don't care that your childhood was bitter. I don't care that your dad abandoned you. I don't care that your mom had men in and out of your house growing up and left you with little respect towards women. I don't care that you are insecure. I only care that you have chosen me as a target. You deserved better as a child, but I cannot fix you!!! I simply cannot fix you.
Dear therapist, I don't care that my mom was awful and abusive and that is probably the reason I have chose abusive relationships. I don't care that my absent father pushed me to create my own family at much too young an age. I don't care anymore. I don't care that I didn't learn how to love and respect myself. I don't care that I have to learn all this crap NOW instead of when I was a little kid.
Dear me: I don't care that your hurting. You need to push through. You don't have the luxury of lingering and sifting through the BS also known as "feelings". You chose to marry him, you chose to ignore the red flags, you chose to stay with your ex after sooo many years of abuse and then chose to find yet ANOTHER abuser. I have lost sympathy for you.
I am mad again today. I don't have days like this all the time. But today, I don't care about the psychology behind the behavior. I DON"T CARE. All I care about it that I'm sick of feeling sick and tired. Where is this thing they call life? I simply see survival and my fight or flight is CONSTANTLY going.
Sorry, just having a day when I just don't WANT to understand. I don't care.
Thanks for the vent.
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