Feeling stalled/stagnant
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Feeling stalled/stagnant
I think this is going to come off really rambly but I need to work some things out of my head and thought this was a good idea...
I'm feeling stalled lately. I've made some progress on lowering my stress and anxiety levels. I'm also doing a better job of not taking ownership of AH's problems - esp those caused by his drinking. (his forever missing/misplaced wallet, cell phone and car keys seem to be 'victims' of alcoholism as well - lol).
The effect of those changes really is big and I "know" this but don't always "feel" it. I know in weight loss even with progress and success there are plateaus and I'm thinking maybe this is similar. But I also feel like I'm not only getting a bit stagnant but that a few things are slipping - like the isolating myself and feeling unmotivated.
I met with my therapist yesterday and at the end of each session she has me make a game plan for myself. I think writing it down as well as sharing at my meeting this morning will help with some positive reinforcement.
Priorities:
1. Job / Financial Security - resume complete, submitted for two jobs, very good potential for one - opened checking account, debit card, registered vehicle in my name (only) - still need to get a credit card
2. Attitude of Gratitude - need to lift myself up and remind myself of the blessings I do have
3. Keep Doing 'the Work' even if it's slowly with pauses (need to further define 'the work' for myself - it does include alanon and therapy but I also need to embrace a few more physically healthy habits as well)
4. Do the first important thing next.
Thanks for letting me work things out in text. AH just reappeared after the kids got on the bus. Sounds like his hangover was enough to take a vacation day. He's already back in bed and I'm going to bag out of here early for my meeting. Kids get home at 1:30 (half day). I'll reappear after 1.
Breathe...let go and let god
I'm feeling stalled lately. I've made some progress on lowering my stress and anxiety levels. I'm also doing a better job of not taking ownership of AH's problems - esp those caused by his drinking. (his forever missing/misplaced wallet, cell phone and car keys seem to be 'victims' of alcoholism as well - lol).
The effect of those changes really is big and I "know" this but don't always "feel" it. I know in weight loss even with progress and success there are plateaus and I'm thinking maybe this is similar. But I also feel like I'm not only getting a bit stagnant but that a few things are slipping - like the isolating myself and feeling unmotivated.
I met with my therapist yesterday and at the end of each session she has me make a game plan for myself. I think writing it down as well as sharing at my meeting this morning will help with some positive reinforcement.
Priorities:
1. Job / Financial Security - resume complete, submitted for two jobs, very good potential for one - opened checking account, debit card, registered vehicle in my name (only) - still need to get a credit card
2. Attitude of Gratitude - need to lift myself up and remind myself of the blessings I do have
3. Keep Doing 'the Work' even if it's slowly with pauses (need to further define 'the work' for myself - it does include alanon and therapy but I also need to embrace a few more physically healthy habits as well)
4. Do the first important thing next.
Thanks for letting me work things out in text. AH just reappeared after the kids got on the bus. Sounds like his hangover was enough to take a vacation day. He's already back in bed and I'm going to bag out of here early for my meeting. Kids get home at 1:30 (half day). I'll reappear after 1.
Breathe...let go and let god
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I recognize the feeling of "hitting a plateau." I think of that in two ways:
1) As codies (or whatever you want to call yourself), I think it's wise to question yourself when you feel you're not progressing. Because we're so good at "settling." Sometimes, we settle because it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it used to. And we're OK with that when we could choose to keep moving to a place where it doesn't hurt at all.
My therapist did something similar with me: She said "make a to-do list, but don't make one every day: Make a long one, post it on the fridge, and check things off. When you feel like you're not moving forward, look at the list and show yourself all the things you have done." Which leads me to
2) Sometimes, we don't feel the change and the progress. You made a comparison to weight loss -- a friend of mine talks about "the whoosh" in weight loss: You do the right thing over and over and over for weeks and months and see no weight loss. And then one day you get out of bed, step on the scale, and have lost 8 pounds. Just like that.
My experience with recovery is very similar. Sometimes, I just have to keep at it even if I don't see results. Just keep doing what I know I need to do even if I don't feel any different. Thus, the long to-do list. I can go back and say "So I don't feel any different, but look at all the things I accomplished in the past week! Yay me! I'm moving forward!"
It sounds like you're doing what you need to be doing -- and I think when you're not feeling a change, that's where faith and determination comes in. And it sounds like you have both of those!
1) As codies (or whatever you want to call yourself), I think it's wise to question yourself when you feel you're not progressing. Because we're so good at "settling." Sometimes, we settle because it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it used to. And we're OK with that when we could choose to keep moving to a place where it doesn't hurt at all.
My therapist did something similar with me: She said "make a to-do list, but don't make one every day: Make a long one, post it on the fridge, and check things off. When you feel like you're not moving forward, look at the list and show yourself all the things you have done." Which leads me to
2) Sometimes, we don't feel the change and the progress. You made a comparison to weight loss -- a friend of mine talks about "the whoosh" in weight loss: You do the right thing over and over and over for weeks and months and see no weight loss. And then one day you get out of bed, step on the scale, and have lost 8 pounds. Just like that.
My experience with recovery is very similar. Sometimes, I just have to keep at it even if I don't see results. Just keep doing what I know I need to do even if I don't feel any different. Thus, the long to-do list. I can go back and say "So I don't feel any different, but look at all the things I accomplished in the past week! Yay me! I'm moving forward!"
It sounds like you're doing what you need to be doing -- and I think when you're not feeling a change, that's where faith and determination comes in. And it sounds like you have both of those!
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
My experience with recovery is very similar. Sometimes, I just have to keep at it even if I don't see results. Just keep doing what I know I need to do even if I don't feel any different. Thus, the long to-do list. I can go back and say "So I don't feel any different, but look at all the things I accomplished in the past week! Yay me! I'm moving forward!"
And a lot of times I could look back in hindsight at my stalled points & see that I really was still moving in baby steps, but they were small & unnoticeable until they formed a chain.
In yoga I was taught that my final pose should always be Savasana or Corpse Pose. I used to think of it similar to a cool down period after something aerobic but my instructor said that it's way more than that - that during Savasana our bodies & minds are actually processing the benefits of what we'd just done & that it was just as important as the more active parts of our yoga practice. Maybe you are just at a point of processing all the changes you've been going through.
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I just went thru a month where I was feeling a bit stuck too. It started when I was feeling a bit tired of the questions in the self-worth section of the alanon Blueprint book (used by my sponsor for the 4th step which I'm in). I finished the questions- I think more or less fairly- but felt a lot of relief when they were done but was uninterested and unwilling to do the last summary question "what have I learned..." It kind of bothered me that I left it that way.. .it was something of a stuck feeling for sure. I kept up with the meetings and trying to work the steps as issues arose. So thats where things sat for a month or so.
I recently shared about my recovery at a buddhist study meeting, since I'm not very good at speaking to a group I wrote it out and read that- came out well and I realized to some extent how often I stir up my own fears and invest in them emotionally etc. That seemed to be enough to make me willing to finish the self-worth summary question, I think its a good answer and I'll move onto the next section.
But the stuck feeling was interesting. On one hand I felt a little guilty about not pushing on and finishing the section, but I just didn't want to sit down and do it. In retrospect I'm generally in agreement this was a "processing" sort of pause but at the time it was just a "stopped" sort of feeling. A while back early on in alanon I had a month or so bout with moderate depression that developed which made sharing difficult, part was I just couldn't think of things to say... just no particular drive to progress... There was a similarity to the stuck feeling- people here on sr suggested it was a processing or unpacking phase. I think I agree- that one I got through after a while by pushing myself to share about the difficulty I was having to share- the stuck feeling began to disappear after that. Journaling helped as well- my sponsor suggested that and I'm glad he did.
I recently shared about my recovery at a buddhist study meeting, since I'm not very good at speaking to a group I wrote it out and read that- came out well and I realized to some extent how often I stir up my own fears and invest in them emotionally etc. That seemed to be enough to make me willing to finish the self-worth summary question, I think its a good answer and I'll move onto the next section.
But the stuck feeling was interesting. On one hand I felt a little guilty about not pushing on and finishing the section, but I just didn't want to sit down and do it. In retrospect I'm generally in agreement this was a "processing" sort of pause but at the time it was just a "stopped" sort of feeling. A while back early on in alanon I had a month or so bout with moderate depression that developed which made sharing difficult, part was I just couldn't think of things to say... just no particular drive to progress... There was a similarity to the stuck feeling- people here on sr suggested it was a processing or unpacking phase. I think I agree- that one I got through after a while by pushing myself to share about the difficulty I was having to share- the stuck feeling began to disappear after that. Journaling helped as well- my sponsor suggested that and I'm glad he did.
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I had to start letting go of the fact that if I "felt bad" it meant I was not in recovery.
For me not letting myself feel those emotions and feelings kept me stuck.
I had this idea that in recovery it would all be easy and move smoothly. Now looking back those were not plateus that I was experiencing when I though I was not making forward progress, but internal realignments to big changes in me.
I am sure you have heard the quote about "Not seeing the forest because of the trees." I think I had the opposite problem, I defined recovery as the forest and could not see that I needed each tree (skill set) to get me to that point.....especially time for integration and down time.
For me not letting myself feel those emotions and feelings kept me stuck.
I had this idea that in recovery it would all be easy and move smoothly. Now looking back those were not plateus that I was experiencing when I though I was not making forward progress, but internal realignments to big changes in me.
I am sure you have heard the quote about "Not seeing the forest because of the trees." I think I had the opposite problem, I defined recovery as the forest and could not see that I needed each tree (skill set) to get me to that point.....especially time for integration and down time.
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lol just to keep on topic wrt yoga vs drunk, these pics always make me laugh (I know, the snarky kind.. .but still lol)
Can You Tell The Difference Between These Drunk Fails And Yoga Poses? - Dose - Your Daily Dose of Amazing
Can You Tell The Difference Between These Drunk Fails And Yoga Poses? - Dose - Your Daily Dose of Amazing
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Originally Posted by schnappi99
lol just to keep on topic wrt yoga vs drunk, these pics always make me laugh (I know, the snarky kind.. .but still lol)
Can You Tell The Difference Between These Drunk Fails And Yoga Poses? - Dose - Your Daily Dose of Amazing
Can You Tell The Difference Between These Drunk Fails And Yoga Poses? - Dose - Your Daily Dose of Amazing
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Walking...I appreciate your post so much. I had become complacent and caught off guard by my husbands relapse even tho. deep down I always knew it could and probably would happen. So, I've spent a good deal of time feeling sorry for myself this week wondering what to do. Your post has been such a help reminding me of my own goals I set back on Valentines Day, thank you!
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I really appreciate the comment about quit taking ownership for the A. I do feel like I do that and have really been working on it. I do feel stuck right now. I know I'm not and actually my situation is so dire at this point that I simply cannot afford to feel stuck. I HAVE to keep working on myself while finding a safe solution to this madness. The solution is clear, it's just how to achieve it without hurting too many people. My kids are broken hearted and my 13 year old son said "why can't he just go to those meetings and listen to what they tell him to do?" I have no answer. I do not know. He has a strong safety net and still chooses booze. I don't know how to take care of everyone. My bio daughter is angry at me because she loves my AH. His bio kids are mad at me because I might leave. AH is mad at me...for who knows what the hell. I have finals in two weeks. And of course, lets not forget the holidays....with all our money going to booze, christmas is going to suck this year. Sorry to vent on your thread....I'm so overwhelmed I literally am sick.
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fts,
The kids can be mad. You're the trustworthy parent--they can't afford to get mad at him. You have to be brave enough to LET them be mad.
Kids at that age are not mature enough to make decisions that are in their own best interest. They get mad because we won't let them do what their friends are doing if we think it isn't wise or isn't good for them. They get mad because we make them do things they don't want to do, like eat vegetables or do homework. Oh, WELL. We are the responsible adults and we must make the best decisions we can for them whether they like it or not. When they are adults they CAN and WILL make their own decisions--some of which may make us cringe, but as adults they will have the right to make their own mistakes. As kids, they don't have that right.
Being a parent is very, very hard under the BEST of circumstances. Being a parent in this kind of situation is a hundred times more difficult. But you must try. And you must not be swayed by whether the kids will be mad at you. It will pass, if you are strong and confident and continue to keep them safe.
The kids can be mad. You're the trustworthy parent--they can't afford to get mad at him. You have to be brave enough to LET them be mad.
Kids at that age are not mature enough to make decisions that are in their own best interest. They get mad because we won't let them do what their friends are doing if we think it isn't wise or isn't good for them. They get mad because we make them do things they don't want to do, like eat vegetables or do homework. Oh, WELL. We are the responsible adults and we must make the best decisions we can for them whether they like it or not. When they are adults they CAN and WILL make their own decisions--some of which may make us cringe, but as adults they will have the right to make their own mistakes. As kids, they don't have that right.
Being a parent is very, very hard under the BEST of circumstances. Being a parent in this kind of situation is a hundred times more difficult. But you must try. And you must not be swayed by whether the kids will be mad at you. It will pass, if you are strong and confident and continue to keep them safe.
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[QUOTE=lillamy;5031152]I recognize the feeling of "hitting a plateau." I think of that in two ways:
1) As codies (or whatever you want to call yourself), I think it's wise to question yourself when you feel you're not progressing. Because we're so good at "settling." Sometimes, we settle because it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it used to. And we're OK with that when we could choose to keep moving to a place where it doesn't hurt at all.
My experience with recovery is very similar. Sometimes, I just have to keep at it even if I don't see results. Just keep doing what I know I need to do even if I don't feel any different. Thus, the long to-do list. I can go back and say "So I don't feel any different, but look at all the things I accomplished in the past week! Yay me! I'm moving forward!"
I'm trying to figure out the multi quote thing but I haven't had enough coffee yet....
I'm so glad you posted item #1 - that's something I've been worrying about. Things have improved and I am managing. I'm ok with slow progress but need to pay attention to that problem of settling.
I like the long list idea as well. I'm rather 'listy' quite often having a large list and a daily one. Maybe the weekly one would be better.
1) As codies (or whatever you want to call yourself), I think it's wise to question yourself when you feel you're not progressing. Because we're so good at "settling." Sometimes, we settle because it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it used to. And we're OK with that when we could choose to keep moving to a place where it doesn't hurt at all.
My experience with recovery is very similar. Sometimes, I just have to keep at it even if I don't see results. Just keep doing what I know I need to do even if I don't feel any different. Thus, the long to-do list. I can go back and say "So I don't feel any different, but look at all the things I accomplished in the past week! Yay me! I'm moving forward!"
I'm trying to figure out the multi quote thing but I haven't had enough coffee yet....
I'm so glad you posted item #1 - that's something I've been worrying about. Things have improved and I am managing. I'm ok with slow progress but need to pay attention to that problem of settling.
I like the long list idea as well. I'm rather 'listy' quite often having a large list and a daily one. Maybe the weekly one would be better.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
I had to start letting go of the fact that if I "felt bad" it meant I was not in recovery.
For me not letting myself feel those emotions and feelings kept me stuck.
I had this idea that in recovery it would all be easy and move smoothly. Now looking back those were not plateus that I was experiencing when I though I was not making forward progress, but internal realignments to big changes in me.
I am sure you have heard the quote about "Not seeing the forest because of the trees." I think I had the opposite problem, I defined recovery as the forest and could not see that I needed each tree (skill set) to get me to that point.....especially time for integration and down time.
For me not letting myself feel those emotions and feelings kept me stuck.
I had this idea that in recovery it would all be easy and move smoothly. Now looking back those were not plateus that I was experiencing when I though I was not making forward progress, but internal realignments to big changes in me.
I am sure you have heard the quote about "Not seeing the forest because of the trees." I think I had the opposite problem, I defined recovery as the forest and could not see that I needed each tree (skill set) to get me to that point.....especially time for integration and down time.
My T said this about cutting myself some slack and realizing the progress I have made. She said I'm still moving forward but that I have a lot on my plate that I am actually now handling - which I honestly wasn't before - was dropping a lot plates
I like your analogy of the forest and the trees. So this week I'm going to move on to the next tree
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Originally Posted by schnappi99
I just went thru a month where I was feeling a bit stuck too. It started when I was feeling a bit tired of the questions in the self-worth section of the alanon Blueprint book (used by my sponsor for the 4th step which I'm in). I finished the questions- I think more or less fairly- but felt a lot of relief when they were done but was uninterested and unwilling to do the last summary question "what have I learned..." It kind of bothered me that I left it that way.. .it was something of a stuck feeling for sure. I kept up with the meetings and trying to work the steps as issues arose. So thats where things sat for a month or so.
I recently shared about my recovery at a buddhist study meeting, since I'm not very good at speaking to a group I wrote it out and read that- came out well and I realized to some extent how often I stir up my own fears and invest in them emotionally etc. That seemed to be enough to make me willing to finish the self-worth summary question, I think its a good answer and I'll move onto the next section.
But the stuck feeling was interesting. On one hand I felt a little guilty about not pushing on and finishing the section, but I just didn't want to sit down and do it. In retrospect I'm generally in agreement this was a "processing" sort of pause but at the time it was just a "stopped" sort of feeling. A while back early on in alanon I had a month or so bout with moderate depression that developed which made sharing difficult, part was I just couldn't think of things to say... just no particular drive to progress... There was a similarity to the stuck feeling- people here on sr suggested it was a processing or unpacking phase. I think I agree- that one I got through after a while by pushing myself to share about the difficulty I was having to share- the stuck feeling began to disappear after that. Journaling helped as well- my sponsor suggested that and I'm glad he did.
I recently shared about my recovery at a buddhist study meeting, since I'm not very good at speaking to a group I wrote it out and read that- came out well and I realized to some extent how often I stir up my own fears and invest in them emotionally etc. That seemed to be enough to make me willing to finish the self-worth summary question, I think its a good answer and I'll move onto the next section.
But the stuck feeling was interesting. On one hand I felt a little guilty about not pushing on and finishing the section, but I just didn't want to sit down and do it. In retrospect I'm generally in agreement this was a "processing" sort of pause but at the time it was just a "stopped" sort of feeling. A while back early on in alanon I had a month or so bout with moderate depression that developed which made sharing difficult, part was I just couldn't think of things to say... just no particular drive to progress... There was a similarity to the stuck feeling- people here on sr suggested it was a processing or unpacking phase. I think I agree- that one I got through after a while by pushing myself to share about the difficulty I was having to share- the stuck feeling began to disappear after that. Journaling helped as well- my sponsor suggested that and I'm glad he did.
Thanks!
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Originally Posted by Katchie
Walking...I appreciate your post so much. I had become complacent and caught off guard by my husbands relapse even tho. deep down I always knew it could and probably would happen. So, I've spent a good deal of time feeling sorry for myself this week wondering what to do. Your post has been such a help reminding me of my own goals I set back on Valentines Day, thank you!
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Originally Posted by freetosmile
I really appreciate the comment about quit taking ownership for the A. I do feel like I do that and have really been working on it. I do feel stuck right now. I know I'm not and actually my situation is so dire at this point that I simply cannot afford to feel stuck. I HAVE to keep working on myself while finding a safe solution to this madness. The solution is clear, it's just how to achieve it without hurting too many people. My kids are broken hearted and my 13 year old son said "why can't he just go to those meetings and listen to what they tell him to do?" I have no answer. I do not know. He has a strong safety net and still chooses booze. I don't know how to take care of everyone. My bio daughter is angry at me because she loves my AH. His bio kids are mad at me because I might leave. AH is mad at me...for who knows what the hell. I have finals in two weeks. And of course, lets not forget the holidays....with all our money going to booze, christmas is going to suck this year. Sorry to vent on your thread....I'm so overwhelmed I literally am sick.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
fts,
The kids can be mad. You're the trustworthy parent--they can't afford to get mad at him. You have to be brave enough to LET them be mad.
Kids at that age are not mature enough to make decisions that are in their own best interest. They get mad because we won't let them do what their friends are doing if we think it isn't wise or isn't good for them. They get mad because we make them do things they don't want to do, like eat vegetables or do homework. Oh, WELL. We are the responsible adults and we must make the best decisions we can for them whether they like it or not. When they are adults they CAN and WILL make their own decisions--some of which may make us cringe, but as adults they will have the right to make their own mistakes. As kids, they don't have that right.
Being a parent is very, very hard under the BEST of circumstances. Being a parent in this kind of situation is a hundred times more difficult. But you must try. And you must not be swayed by whether the kids will be mad at you. It will pass, if you are strong and confident and continue to keep them safe.
The kids can be mad. You're the trustworthy parent--they can't afford to get mad at him. You have to be brave enough to LET them be mad.
Kids at that age are not mature enough to make decisions that are in their own best interest. They get mad because we won't let them do what their friends are doing if we think it isn't wise or isn't good for them. They get mad because we make them do things they don't want to do, like eat vegetables or do homework. Oh, WELL. We are the responsible adults and we must make the best decisions we can for them whether they like it or not. When they are adults they CAN and WILL make their own decisions--some of which may make us cringe, but as adults they will have the right to make their own mistakes. As kids, they don't have that right.
Being a parent is very, very hard under the BEST of circumstances. Being a parent in this kind of situation is a hundred times more difficult. But you must try. And you must not be swayed by whether the kids will be mad at you. It will pass, if you are strong and confident and continue to keep them safe.
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