And a step back....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
And a step back....
So..things had been plugging along pretty well. XAH is drinking but had not been in front of our children, as per our divorce decree. Well, last night it changed. 
I admit I had slipped in that his behavior has been decent so I was beginning to have a little trust in him. So I made the choice to just drop off my girls last night as he has them on Tuesday nights (of course my qualifier should not change, the rule should be that we have a whole conversation before they go with him, lesson learned).
He had to come out at the last second to sign a paper, and they all went in and I drove away. I knew, I could tell he had been drinking. I should have turned around right that second, put my kids in the car and went back home. I did not really put it all together until I had drove away. He had cooked them this huge dinner of their favorite foods. Had already told me they were staying in, so I knew he would not be driving. Blah Blah Blah.....
So I had a complete melt down at my own home by myself. What a horrible feeling to feel that way again, it's been a while. Luckily my sister, who is my best friend, called me and talked to me for a long time. She understands the entire situation and is so supportive. Anyways, I asked her what she thought I should do at that moment. I had spoken to my girls, I knew they were doing homework and getting ready for bed and were ok. She advised me that they are safe and to let them go to bed and to address this the next day (today).
Remember that I have it in my divorce decree he is not allowed to drink around my children. It's an entire page of conditions about this.
So....this morning I called him and told him that this was indeed my own slip of bad judgement and that will NEVER happen again. That I had let my guard down and began to trust him around our children a bit, and that would NEVER happen again either. I let him know in no uncertain terms that in the future, if he drinks around our children, I will IMMEDIATELY, at that very second, do two things.
One, I will go to the police and let them know I fear for my children's safety and show them my divorce decree. I will have them do a well check on my children and by my divorce decree will have the right to remove my children, and the police with assist me if needed.
I also told him I will hotline him to CPS immediately and go forward with getting as limited of visitation rights as possible, and that I will push my attorney as hard as possible to go to court, because he would be in contempt. I reminded him of the evidence I have against him. I advised him they would assign a Guardian Ad Lidem immediately and explained who that is, what they do, and that he would have to pay at least half for said guardian's services.
I advised him I want us to be on the same page in understanding what would happen, and that I plan to sit my children down and address this with them and let them know also what would happen, so they are not afraid when the police come.
I asked him if he understand b/c I don't care at all how he feels or what his issues are, just that THIS WILL happen if he chooses this route. He said he does.
It just sucks. You start to go on with your life and are moving forward in a happy and positive way, and BAM.
My sister put it into perspective. She told me how I act is how my children will react. That I must stay calm and business like about the entire thing, tell him what would happen, and if it does, calmly go forward with what I said. That I have changed since I divorced and that I am punishing myself and my girls if I let this set me back in my own mindset. What great words of advise those are. I love her to pieces and am so lucky to have such a wonderful sister, and it helps that she is police LOL. Not here, but she has given me such good ins and outs about how it all works, and what the magic words are for the police to intervene (they are, "I fear for my children's safety."
Anyone who got through this entire epitath I thank you for reading. It helps me to get it out and be able to have a plan and move forward.
I hope all of you here at SR have a blessed day!
I admit I had slipped in that his behavior has been decent so I was beginning to have a little trust in him. So I made the choice to just drop off my girls last night as he has them on Tuesday nights (of course my qualifier should not change, the rule should be that we have a whole conversation before they go with him, lesson learned).
He had to come out at the last second to sign a paper, and they all went in and I drove away. I knew, I could tell he had been drinking. I should have turned around right that second, put my kids in the car and went back home. I did not really put it all together until I had drove away. He had cooked them this huge dinner of their favorite foods. Had already told me they were staying in, so I knew he would not be driving. Blah Blah Blah.....
So I had a complete melt down at my own home by myself. What a horrible feeling to feel that way again, it's been a while. Luckily my sister, who is my best friend, called me and talked to me for a long time. She understands the entire situation and is so supportive. Anyways, I asked her what she thought I should do at that moment. I had spoken to my girls, I knew they were doing homework and getting ready for bed and were ok. She advised me that they are safe and to let them go to bed and to address this the next day (today).
Remember that I have it in my divorce decree he is not allowed to drink around my children. It's an entire page of conditions about this.
So....this morning I called him and told him that this was indeed my own slip of bad judgement and that will NEVER happen again. That I had let my guard down and began to trust him around our children a bit, and that would NEVER happen again either. I let him know in no uncertain terms that in the future, if he drinks around our children, I will IMMEDIATELY, at that very second, do two things.
One, I will go to the police and let them know I fear for my children's safety and show them my divorce decree. I will have them do a well check on my children and by my divorce decree will have the right to remove my children, and the police with assist me if needed.
I also told him I will hotline him to CPS immediately and go forward with getting as limited of visitation rights as possible, and that I will push my attorney as hard as possible to go to court, because he would be in contempt. I reminded him of the evidence I have against him. I advised him they would assign a Guardian Ad Lidem immediately and explained who that is, what they do, and that he would have to pay at least half for said guardian's services.
I advised him I want us to be on the same page in understanding what would happen, and that I plan to sit my children down and address this with them and let them know also what would happen, so they are not afraid when the police come.
I asked him if he understand b/c I don't care at all how he feels or what his issues are, just that THIS WILL happen if he chooses this route. He said he does.
It just sucks. You start to go on with your life and are moving forward in a happy and positive way, and BAM.
My sister put it into perspective. She told me how I act is how my children will react. That I must stay calm and business like about the entire thing, tell him what would happen, and if it does, calmly go forward with what I said. That I have changed since I divorced and that I am punishing myself and my girls if I let this set me back in my own mindset. What great words of advise those are. I love her to pieces and am so lucky to have such a wonderful sister, and it helps that she is police LOL. Not here, but she has given me such good ins and outs about how it all works, and what the magic words are for the police to intervene (they are, "I fear for my children's safety."
Anyone who got through this entire epitath I thank you for reading. It helps me to get it out and be able to have a plan and move forward.
I hope all of you here at SR have a blessed day!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I just want to point one thing out.
Why did you tell him that?
You're not the one who got drunk when you were supposed to be responsible for the kids, in violation of the divorce agreement.
You're not supposed to have to be the custody police, figuring out whether or not he's sober when you drop the kids off. He's an adult. If he can't function like one, he shouldn't have the responsibilities of one.
I called him and told him that this was indeed my own slip of bad judgement and that will NEVER happen again.
You're not the one who got drunk when you were supposed to be responsible for the kids, in violation of the divorce agreement.
You're not supposed to have to be the custody police, figuring out whether or not he's sober when you drop the kids off. He's an adult. If he can't function like one, he shouldn't have the responsibilities of one.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I just don't see this as a step back for you at all, hopeful. It was a challenge and you rose to it admirably all things considered!
The situation you are in is nigh-impossible -- you don't want to be his Drink Police but you cannot compromise your children's safety. You did not make any rash decisions or take any rash actions. You clearly laid out what would happen next and have your ducks in a row if and when it does.
NO ONE can be hyper-vigilant 24/7, so please don't waste a second beating yourself up for allowing a little trust in!
The situation you are in is nigh-impossible -- you don't want to be his Drink Police but you cannot compromise your children's safety. You did not make any rash decisions or take any rash actions. You clearly laid out what would happen next and have your ducks in a row if and when it does.
NO ONE can be hyper-vigilant 24/7, so please don't waste a second beating yourself up for allowing a little trust in!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
You may see this as a step back, but I see this as being HUGE! At least you knew the girls were safe, you formulated a plan, you said what you had to say without being b*tchy about it, etc. From what you shared, it didn't sound like you went all Tasmanian devil on him, right?
Just see this as a step towards awareness and as a reminder to stay in program and on our side of street. The best you can do is set the right example for your girls and be the stable loving mom that you've always been! HUGS!
Just see this as a step towards awareness and as a reminder to stay in program and on our side of street. The best you can do is set the right example for your girls and be the stable loving mom that you've always been! HUGS!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I don't see any backward motion here either hopeful.
Honestly, this is a perfect example of WORKING recovery!
Often we clearly have our boundaries drawn in our heads but they look/feel/walk/talk differently when we run into them IRL. So we pause, hesitate, ruminate & then realize we knew all along but just didn't recognize the truth when it first presented itself. Maybe in your thoughts there would be more drama or crisis surrounding this kind of event so you didn't trigger the same way without that as a driving force?
Now you know. Next time if/when it happens you are better prepared. To me this is a BIG part of developing those new patterns in recovery.
I think you did GREAT!
Honestly, this is a perfect example of WORKING recovery!
Often we clearly have our boundaries drawn in our heads but they look/feel/walk/talk differently when we run into them IRL. So we pause, hesitate, ruminate & then realize we knew all along but just didn't recognize the truth when it first presented itself. Maybe in your thoughts there would be more drama or crisis surrounding this kind of event so you didn't trigger the same way without that as a driving force?
Now you know. Next time if/when it happens you are better prepared. To me this is a BIG part of developing those new patterns in recovery.
I think you did GREAT!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh believe me I know Lilamy. However, I have boundaries and guidelines for myself and broke those. That is not ok. I cannot control that he is an idiot alcoholic. However I can control what I do to prevent my children from having to be exposed to said drunk. Sigh....
No, I did not go all crazy. Just said what I had to say in a businesslike and firm manner. I appreciate you guy's support. I really do.
Thank You.
No, I did not go all crazy. Just said what I had to say in a businesslike and firm manner. I appreciate you guy's support. I really do.
Thank You.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Oh believe me I know. However, I have boundaries and guidelines for myself and broke those. That is not ok. I cannot control that he is an idiot alcoholic. However I can control what I do to prevent my children from having to be exposed to said drunk. Sigh....
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I think maybe it is this FS. I have honestly always suspected this may happen, just not quite yet. And in the past, where there was drinking, it was huge and ugly drama. It's like without that big drama I did not quite see it as clearly, or see how I should react as clearly...or quickly. Lesson learned. Thank you for pointing this out, it made me think.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I don't see any backward motion here either hopeful.
Maybe in your thoughts there would be more drama or crisis surrounding this kind of event so you didn't trigger the same way without that as a driving force?
:
Maybe in your thoughts there would be more drama or crisis surrounding this kind of event so you didn't trigger the same way without that as a driving force?
:
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I think you handled yourself well.
I dont see this as a backwards step at all. This situation is a reminder of why you left him and what he is. He is an A not in recovery, pure and simple. This is the reason you are divorced. If anything, maybe this could be a warning sign that A's do progress and he will get worse as time goes on. This was a minor event where no one got hurt, but is s quiet wake up call/reminder for you.
I dont see this as a backwards step at all. This situation is a reminder of why you left him and what he is. He is an A not in recovery, pure and simple. This is the reason you are divorced. If anything, maybe this could be a warning sign that A's do progress and he will get worse as time goes on. This was a minor event where no one got hurt, but is s quiet wake up call/reminder for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I relate so much to your post. Our A's are very similar. You did the right thing. You are right not to trust him and to always be on guard. I think you handled it extremely well.
You are putting your girls first and under no uncertain terms are allowing them to be around an actively drinking father. Kudos for standing your ground!!! Hopefully it will be enought to scare him, but unfortunately you just cannot ever trust him. Those A brains convince them they can "handle" it and it will come up again because it's who they are.
My STBXAH got worse this past weekend too after being good for a while. I had let my guard down too. He called me from a daddy daughter girl scout dance and was slurring his words and I knew. Luckily he had friends of ours that drove them. But that all too feeling in my gut was there. UGHHH It sucks and I know how you feel.
Hang in there
You are putting your girls first and under no uncertain terms are allowing them to be around an actively drinking father. Kudos for standing your ground!!! Hopefully it will be enought to scare him, but unfortunately you just cannot ever trust him. Those A brains convince them they can "handle" it and it will come up again because it's who they are.
My STBXAH got worse this past weekend too after being good for a while. I had let my guard down too. He called me from a daddy daughter girl scout dance and was slurring his words and I knew. Luckily he had friends of ours that drove them. But that all too feeling in my gut was there. UGHHH It sucks and I know how you feel.
Hang in there
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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I personally think that you handled it fine: I see recovery from codependency as a process and sometimes it is two steps forward and one backward but what matters is that we keep learning and growing.
After all those years, I still have codie meltdowns here and there.
Just remember that you've come a loooong way and if you don't believe me, read that thread by a very sad young woman http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hi-there.html
Ps: I just LOVE your avatar btw
After all those years, I still have codie meltdowns here and there.
Just remember that you've come a loooong way and if you don't believe me, read that thread by a very sad young woman http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hi-there.html
Ps: I just LOVE your avatar btw
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Thank you Carlotta. I don't go back and read my old threads too often as it was painful times. I think today I really needed to see that.
I got this Avitar for meggem one day when she has having an especially lot of quacking going on, and I thought it was funny and decided it's very fitting, that I would keep it around LOL.
Thank you all again, I appreciate you all so much.
I got this Avitar for meggem one day when she has having an especially lot of quacking going on, and I thought it was funny and decided it's very fitting, that I would keep it around LOL.
Thank you all again, I appreciate you all so much.
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I did not realize it immediately until I had already driven out of the drive and kids on the way in. It's like my brain had not yet processed what I was seeing, does that make sense?
Believe me, it's something I have though long and hard about. I guess I was trying to avoid what in my mind was going to be an absolutely awful situation. It was clearly awful judgement on my own part. I did not even believe it for a bit until I realized I was just being in denial.
Believe me, it's something I have though long and hard about. I guess I was trying to avoid what in my mind was going to be an absolutely awful situation. It was clearly awful judgement on my own part. I did not even believe it for a bit until I realized I was just being in denial.
Originally Posted by airwick
"I could tell he had been drinking"
Then why did you drop the kids off? -In no way said in a bad tone
-
"Have a great day, or at least try "
Then why did you drop the kids off? -In no way said in a bad tone
-"Have a great day, or at least try
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I don't think that you starting to trust him was a "slip". Things had been going well. I'm sooo glad you have your sister to talk to. She is spot on and you are doing awesome in your recovery! Sorry you had to go through that though.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
I did not realize it immediately until I had already driven out of the drive and kids on the way in. It's like my brain had not yet processed what I was seeing, does that make sense?
Believe me, it's something I have though long and hard about. I guess I was trying to avoid what in my mind was going to be an absolutely awful situation. It was clearly awful judgement on my own part. I did not even believe it for a bit until I realized I was just being in denial.
Believe me, it's something I have though long and hard about. I guess I was trying to avoid what in my mind was going to be an absolutely awful situation. It was clearly awful judgement on my own part. I did not even believe it for a bit until I realized I was just being in denial.
It can creep up on you
I hope , or should I say know
That you will do alright. Like in the classic "It's a wonderful Life", the little girl keeps repeating to herself "I believe, I believe"
Or Thomas the Train... I think I can, I think I can lol
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I also think you did a stellar job - I do have a question, though. To anyone with an active alcoholic spouse: Isn't the default that you would assume they would always be drunk? I have heard that courts are very liberal in assigning visitation to drunk spouses AND wouldn't you just assume that if you leave your kids with an alcoholic, they will drink?
And if that is the case, wouldn't it make sense to have a game plan in order and ready to go to remove the children and change custody? (I am sorry that I don't know custody arrangements these days - I am lucky because I am old and when I was raising kids mothers had all of the rights - it was assumed that 9 times out of 10, they would have their kids best interests at heart and would be responsible).
And if that is the case, wouldn't it make sense to have a game plan in order and ready to go to remove the children and change custody? (I am sorry that I don't know custody arrangements these days - I am lucky because I am old and when I was raising kids mothers had all of the rights - it was assumed that 9 times out of 10, they would have their kids best interests at heart and would be responsible).
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