chrissy81

Hi,

I've posted on and off the past couple of years, very sparsely, but the very short version is that my 62 year old mother, who developed an alcohol problem about ten years ago (out of long-seated depression and anxiety kicked into high gear by some major losses), recently had a break through and admitted that she wanted to get help. Like, REALLY get help. She's been seeing a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner for awhile, but all he's done is give her Prozac and Klonopin. Most recently, he suggested she try some medication that lessens the euphoria that alcohol causes, to curb her drinking. However, this is not enough, and I think she maybe knows this. My little sister is getting married soon, so recently, there have been lots of emails back and forth between my sis, soon-to-be-brother in law and my mom. Well, bro-in-law managed to get her at the right time, and got her to open up and admit that she needed help and wanted to get better. So we had a little family phone conference to tell her that while we respected her decision to try the medication, we also thought that she should consider seeing a psychologist and go through some cognitive therapy. A friend of hers who is a nurse had recommended someone, so she said she was going to make an appointment. She tried a psychologist several years ago, but she gave up (because she obviously wasn't ready to get help at the time). We also discussed that after the wedding (which is next weekend) that we should try to get with someone to maybe explore putting together a "plan" to getting her the right kind of help. My bro in law also has an aunt who is 8 years in recovery (went to an inpatient treatment center, etc), so he connected them to have a talk; I didn't get the details from my mother, though, she just says it went well.

I am in the second year of a program to receive a Masters in Occupational Therapy, so I understand the etiology and treatment approaches for mental illness with comorbid substance abuse, as well as the importance for client- and family-centered care. I think her PNP is an idiot for prescribing the medication (he gave her a scrip for Revia), though I did not say this to her. I stressed that ALL of the research supports a treatment plan involving both medication (the antidepressants) and psychological/cognitive therapy, and that she should definitely follow up with the psychologist that her friend recommended. She seemed to take my suggestion well, but I still worry that she does not yet have enough insight to fully conceptualize the importance of a multi-faceted treatment, which may even include going to an inpatient program. My other concern is that if she stops drinking too quickly, she'll go into withdrawal - she doesn't drink from the time she gets up, but she's definitely physically addicted.

Anyway, I think she's in a potentially good place to get things moving along, but I am concerned that she needs some help to keep her afloat. She has said that she wants our help, so that is huge, because she's never done that. I understand that the primary focus of the Recovery model of treatment is individual volition and acceptance, but I also know that the process often cannot be done alone. So I am wondering, for those of you who have gone alongside a family member during recovery if you have any tips, any resources, etc you can give. My sister and I do not live locally - we live 8 hours away, and my sister is about to go on her honeymoon. I am in graduate school and cannot travel or take time off, so currently our help has to be virtual. My father is still around (they're still married) and he can potentially help, but she harbors some anger toward him, so my sister and I need to be involved. Any thoughts and tips are appreciated.

lillamy

Just based on the successful recoveries I've witnessed, I think the support that helps the most is the support from people who have walked the same path -- other alcoholics. I think hooking her up with someone with 8 years recovery when she said she wanted help was brilliant. She might bristle at the idea of AA -- my ex did, because his idea of AA was a bunch of dirty homeless drunks -- but that's still where most of my RA friends have gotten their best support.

I've never supported a family member through recovery, so I have no ideas there. It's great that she's ready to seek help -- and I think it's also great that you've been able to keep your mouth shut and not shoot down the way she is doing it. I'm currently watching one of my teens struggle with eating disorders, anxiety, and depression -- and I think the similarity lies in the difficulty of not telling her how to do it but letting her find her way, while still letting her know that I love her.

legna

Excellent distinction in my opinion. Thank you for sharing this.

To the OP: I have walked with a family member (wife) through the early stages of recovery (12 step) as her sponsor. She has thirteen months clean and sober. Here is my two cents:

If your mother is serious about sobriety, nothing you can do can get in her way - or is particularly necessary. She has a higher power who neither needs her help beyond her willingness - nor anyone else's. This is meant to be hopeful but I can see how it could be taken another way - please believe I mean it in the hopeful way.

dandylion

chrissy81....I agree, also, that the another Long recovering alcoholic is the best at relating to an alcoholic.
One thing to keep in mind is that parents do not like what they may interpret as "bossiness" or "pushiness" from their own children. Even if they don't appear so---when the alcoholic gets angry (and they will)....you may get a passive-aggressive backlash down the road.....So, just be forewarned of this.
It is critical that, if your dad is going to maintain a relationship with your m other, in the same house that he avail himself of alanon if he hasn't, already. He is going to need this help whether she follows through or not. Same for your sister and yourself if you are not already involved or at least, understand the principles.
If you look at the top of this main page--you will see a selection called "Classic Readings". This contains a wealth of concentrated knowledge that you all could benefit from reading.

While a general supportive attitude is good....otherwise, hands off of her treatment program is the best policy. She will have her program members, her therapist and her sponsor to support her. (It is easier for them, also, because they are not so emotionally entangled as family members...LOL!)

Welcome, and please hang around!!

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Having come to the conclusion that I needed to stop drinking, any interference from family members who wanted to help would have been an annoying distraction for me. I did get sober on my own and most people do.

Maybe you can help with logistics, but resist taking on her recovery for her. If she really wants it, she'll get there eventually. I had to work through a process before I could stop completely, and pressure from my family, however well intentioned would have made things worse.
From another POV, I tried to help my AS, and had no effect on her at all. None.

Hammer

Wow. Will give you an A+ on your coursework and research in the topic.

Was thinking the same thing reading your first paragraph.

Anyway . . . I understand that . . . but please understand this . . . .

On THIS side of the house . . . we work on *us* . . . not *them* (mom, dad, sister, brother, wife, husband, etc.). US. Many of us have found that to be a Full-Time job, but that tends to bring such Peace to us and our areas of influence, it changes everything around.

So. Ready to get to work on you?

If so, (memorize this next phrase -- you will look back and laugh at it some day) . . . . "in Alanon, we recommend you try six meetings, close together, to see if Alanon is right for you."

Really go try it. If it sticks, and helps you, you will look back fondly and smile. DO NOT let your education get in the way. All learning aint in books and the classroom.

Meanwhile, does she know where She (not you) can help for Herself?

CodeJob

Hello Chrissy!

Your textbook study sadly does not take into account alcoholics might admit to the problem, accept help, and then drink another round all within a few hours thanks to their fear, denial, possible dual diagnosis and generally unclear thought processes.

The PNP probably went with Naltrexone to potentially get your mom's mind dry enough for a spell to think better? So then she could mull over and hopefully accept a multi pronged treatment approach...

Good luck!

chrissy81

Thanks for your comments so far. I am fully aware that recovery is not an endgame, that one never truly "recovers" (hence always saying you are "in recovery", not "recovered"), and that I am equally aware of the potential for relapses, and other negative behaviors and responses. And we've tried washing our hands of everything, but that has frankly made it worse - my sister and I don't live nearby, so we can't really enable her in any way, unless you call ignoring her and letting her fend for herself enabling. All of my "book learning" (not to mention the fact that I've been dealing with her for the past 10 years), does in fact teach me all of the possible things I could expect from this, so no, I don't think getting her help is going to be the magic pill to cure her forever, but she has to start somewhere, or she has absolutely no chance of getting on a recovery path.

As Hammer asked, no, I don't think she entirely knows where to get help, so this is where I feel family support might be warranted, since she has specifically ASKED us and given us the okay, which she has not done before. Again, I'm not talking about telling her what to do; any health professional worth their salt would recommend therapy for her, but it was a friend of hers who suggested she meet with the psychologist, so I'm off the hook for "being bossy" with regard to that. I merely said that I agreed with her friend's recommendation because a two-prong approach is shown to help, AND we said that we respected her wishes to try going on the Revia. So no one is telling her what to do here. But I think that she may need some support in identifying professionals who can help her review options for plans of care, so she can make a decision. And we will support her in those decisions, but she needs to know that she has options, and currently, I don't think she knows where to find them. We just want to make sure she has access to people who can set up a plan that she can follow, and to whatever extent she wants us involved or not. We've already made it clear that we will help IF she wants us to. But the ultimate issue is that she has long-standing mental illness that is NOT just alcoholism that needs to be addressed, or she'll just be treating the symptom (the drinking), not the problem. I don't really agree with her PNP's methods because, first of all, he is very young with little experience, and his only responses have been to give her more pills, without also providing her with a referral for therapy, which I feel a more experienced medical professional would have done. Depression and anxiety don't just cure themselves, nor will they go away if she simply stops drinking.

chrissy81

Maybe, though I am still concerned about detoxing, and am equally concerned that her PNP is NOT concerned! I am not sure if he knows exactly how much she drinks (as I doubt she was truthful with him initially). As I mentioned, she's not a sun-up to sun-down drinker and she does have days where she doesn't drink anything (though those days have been rare as of late, especially since my sister advanced in her wedding planning). But when she does drink, she drinks A LOT in a short amount of time, and this has been going on for years, so I'm sure her physical addiction is extremely high.

dandylion

chrissy81....the reason that I elaborated so much is because you asked for "tips" that we, who have alongside relatives in recovery could give So, I thought I would offer my most salient things that I learned through that process.

If all you are wanting a professional who can steer her in the right direction...then I would suggest an experienced alcoholism counselor who is also a recovering alcoholic.

dandylion

chrissy81

No, I understand. I just wanted to make it clear that I know that I can't tell her what to do, and that I am only giving feedback as she specifically asks for it, and am not outright saying she "should" do or not do anything. I truly do understand the importance of not making decisions for her, and that I'm not just someone's adult child who wants to parent their parent. She came to us outright, so turning my back entirely doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

Thanks for the recommendation on the counselor - I will look into that and see what is available in her area.

dandylion

chrissy81.....Good....

dandylion

P.S.....of course, experience is the most important factor.....but, if you get to choose, I would suggest a female would be good. Woman-to-woman......LOl!

chrissy81

Cazzap06, trust me when I say I've done plenty of detaching. Over the last 10 years, I've decreased my contact with her, for my own sanity, as you've said yourself. You are absolute right in that. Especially since I went through a rough period of underemployment during the recession, despite already having a higher degree - the MSOT will be my second Masters, and is a career change. And I've done everything I can to focus on MY goals and what I want to do with my life. It's relatively easy since I live several states away from my parents - I don't call unless I absolutely need to talk to either parent, and rarely email her unless I think it will be beneficial (ie, she had a bad day and is reaching out with a nice note, so I respond with something innocuous). I don't check her Facebook page to see what sort of ridiculous things she's posted when drunk (can't unfriend her because that was more drama than it was worth, but I've hidden all of her alerts, etc, blocked her on messengers, etc). And, I only see my parents when they come down to visit (twice a year, maybe three)- I can probably count on one hand the times I've visited them since 2007, when things became really apparent.

I will never trust her 100% again - she's ruined that for us, and for herself. I know that there is no guarantee that she will stick with treatment and never relapse, or that she will always tell the truth. But within the context of the way that she reached out to us, without any provocation from the family (bro-in-law just happened to be at the right place at the right time, really), I have to give her a shred of the benefit of the doubt. Because what would it say about me and my willingness to support her decisions for recovery if I say "eff that - call me when you're 10 years sober". I do not believe in letting people hit rock bottom, and frankly, the literature and the current climate of mental health profession does not support this - I know that's an AA tenet, but it's simply not one I can align with, personally or professionally. She is very aware now, of the damage she has done, and is showing real guilt and remorse for the first time ever, which she has NEVER done. She's never previously shown any insight at all that this is not something she can blame us for (and I am acutely aware of how depression, anxiety, substance abuse, etc alter thought processes). Yes, she could still be lying, and yes, she could get drunk again and take it all back, but somewhere in there, I need to acknowledge that her response has drastically changed from what it has been.

It's difficult because until 2007, so for the first 26 years of my life, she was not like this. I did not grow up with an alcoholic parent. There was rarely alcohol in my house, my parents didn't entertain much, and when we went out, they rarely drank.

FeelingGreat

Well I hope it works for her chrissy. Who knows, it might be her turning point? It's so stressful and hurtful to see a loved one destroying themselves and their close relationships.

allforcnm

Hi Chrissy.

I think your doing the right thing by helping your mom look at treatment options, and with the other family members help establish a plan she feels comfortable with... there is no issues as long as its something your both comfortable with. I have experience in this with regards to my husband, so I will share a few things...

Its very confusing and there are lots of mixed messages out there, but what I find most valuable is following the Treatment Guide established by the National Institute of Drug Abuse... (alcohol is considered a drug)...

Introduction | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

The whole site is good, so have a look around & I think many of your questions can be answered there.

I used the knowledge I had about my husband to do research into available options for him (he was still using at the time) ... these points were really important for me:

Treatment needs to be designed specifically for the individual and it needs to meet all their needs. Co-existing conditions need to be treated concurrently. It was important for us to have Evidence Based Treatments ex. CBT and other therapeutic approaches, the therapist must be licensed and trained in these areas.. do not assume they are... If you are /are not interested in 12 step approaches ask them about this because it will shape the therapists views on addiction and recovery. The best treatment plan would excite my husband and make him want engage in the treatment. (I don't believe people should be punished as part of the recovery process, it should be a positive growth experience). I personally don't think treatment needs to be lifelong for many people but it does need to extend an adequate amount of time.

My husband ended up doing a 3 month inpatient non 12 step rehab, there was lots of family involvement (we did marriage counseling weekly starting at about week 6).. I also did therapy through the rehab ( one or both of these -might be something that would help your dad). After this my husband came home and he continued with private therapy for about a year going on a regular basis, then began to taper off.. now 2.5 years later he only goes every couple months for a checkup so to speak, and has the therapist available if he needs a quick appt. We continued marriage counseling for about a year also..

Im sure family counseling would be an option for all of you... and even though you are not close by.. I wasn't either for a portion of time, and the therapist allowed me to use Skype... so think about these things if there becomes a need.

Another thing that has helped me was working on communication skills, things such as reflective listening.. My therapist suggested I use the community reinforcement and family training approach (a.k.a Craft) which you can google if your interested. Its a method for families to use that does not really promote detachment, but suggest we use good communication, and positive reinforcements to encourage treatment and continued participation in a treatment program / recovery efforts...

This is a thread showing a good example of communication tools:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tion-pius.html

One last thing, on the National Institute of Drug Abuse site there is a link to the SAMHSA treatment finder.. (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Admin)...

I think starting with an evaluation with her own doctor, or the therapist that was recommended to you is a great idea. Hopefully this person can help identify all her needs, and then work with her/family to establish a care plan.

Good Luck to your mom Its wonderful she is asking for help. This is BIG When reading about treatment in the beginning... it became clear to me the process is tricky, its dealing with brain related issues so obviously that's tough... setbacks, and even relapse are possible. But this wont mean your mom has failed, that she didn't want recovery bad enough.. its often just part of the process and multiple treatments, or a change in treatment is often required. (just like a lot of other medical problems).