How can I miss you when you won't go away?
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
How can I miss you when you won't go away?
My son called this morning from the county jail...it seems he got picked up for hassling some girl in a bar. It was my understanding that if he got in trouble again he would go to prison. Now that he is there and they can use the phones for free (is that true?) he will be calling every chance he gets.
I had a thought running through my mind this morning that I think I read in "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" about relationships being like a bank. If all you ever do is make withdawals eventually that account will be empty. My son hasn't made a deposit in a very long time. He threw me bone on Mother's Day this year and showed up all cleaned up and very charming (are all alcholics charmers??) and we had a nice afternoon. But that is the last time there was any good. I have learned to take the good from him when I can get it and not second guess it because it may be the only good there is.
I am so thankful for Al Anon and all the people that have gone before me. It is because of them that I can be okay today. My last real set back was when I saw him walking down the street in sub-zero weather and I knew he was homeless. It frightened me to be back in that place. I fell right back into blaming myself and wanting to help him and hurting so badly that I could barely communicate. I know from that experience that I need to keep working and staying in contact with people who are just like me...I NEVER want to go back there again.
Just for today I will turn him over...because I am powerless over alcohol...and I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me (and my son) to sanity.
(((((Thank you all))))))
Paula
[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited April 08, 2002).]
I had a thought running through my mind this morning that I think I read in "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" about relationships being like a bank. If all you ever do is make withdawals eventually that account will be empty. My son hasn't made a deposit in a very long time. He threw me bone on Mother's Day this year and showed up all cleaned up and very charming (are all alcholics charmers??) and we had a nice afternoon. But that is the last time there was any good. I have learned to take the good from him when I can get it and not second guess it because it may be the only good there is.
I am so thankful for Al Anon and all the people that have gone before me. It is because of them that I can be okay today. My last real set back was when I saw him walking down the street in sub-zero weather and I knew he was homeless. It frightened me to be back in that place. I fell right back into blaming myself and wanting to help him and hurting so badly that I could barely communicate. I know from that experience that I need to keep working and staying in contact with people who are just like me...I NEVER want to go back there again.
Just for today I will turn him over...because I am powerless over alcohol...and I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me (and my son) to sanity.
(((((Thank you all))))))
Paula
[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited April 08, 2002).]
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Paula,
You mean so much to me. I am so glad you are here. I know what you mean about deposits. I looked in my cupboard and pulled out a coffee cup. It is the only gift my son has ever given to me and he is 28 years old. He said he walked in the gift store and asked for a God thing and the sales woman gave him a coffee cup. Written on the coffee cup is "All things are possible with God". I put the cup on the table in the living room and told myself I would read it anytime I felt like recuing my son. I don't recall every having free phone calls from jail. Maybe the first one. They are usually collect. Sometimes I thought that at least if my son was in jail he would be eating and somewhat warm. He has been in jail twice and always managed to get out after a couple of weeks. The last time I called him he sounded fine, so I decided I don't want to talk to him now because I don't want to hear otherwise. Hang in there, we're all in this together. You have been an inspiration to me and it is you that brought me strength to do this.
THANK YOU, I hope I can give some back.
Morning Glory
You mean so much to me. I am so glad you are here. I know what you mean about deposits. I looked in my cupboard and pulled out a coffee cup. It is the only gift my son has ever given to me and he is 28 years old. He said he walked in the gift store and asked for a God thing and the sales woman gave him a coffee cup. Written on the coffee cup is "All things are possible with God". I put the cup on the table in the living room and told myself I would read it anytime I felt like recuing my son. I don't recall every having free phone calls from jail. Maybe the first one. They are usually collect. Sometimes I thought that at least if my son was in jail he would be eating and somewhat warm. He has been in jail twice and always managed to get out after a couple of weeks. The last time I called him he sounded fine, so I decided I don't want to talk to him now because I don't want to hear otherwise. Hang in there, we're all in this together. You have been an inspiration to me and it is you that brought me strength to do this.
THANK YOU, I hope I can give some back.
Morning Glory
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Thank you Morning Glory,
You mean alot to me, too.
My husband just left to take my son's tax refund check to him at the jail..it's not like we are giving him something that is not his, but he keeps calling and I think the check is the biggest reason. He says he got busted in a motel room....I always thought it was only alcohol...who am I kidding. And he says that he is going to detox tomorrow morning. I can't believe the courts...it's like they keep sending them out. Not that I want him in prison...but it is almost as tho THEY enable them. He hasn't asked to speak to me and that is for the best...I would have a hard time finding words.
I am so glad that I have been able to help you...but I don't feel all that inspiring at the moment. I am just hanging on.
((((Hugs)))))
Paula
[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited April 08, 2002).]
You mean alot to me, too.
My husband just left to take my son's tax refund check to him at the jail..it's not like we are giving him something that is not his, but he keeps calling and I think the check is the biggest reason. He says he got busted in a motel room....I always thought it was only alcohol...who am I kidding. And he says that he is going to detox tomorrow morning. I can't believe the courts...it's like they keep sending them out. Not that I want him in prison...but it is almost as tho THEY enable them. He hasn't asked to speak to me and that is for the best...I would have a hard time finding words.
I am so glad that I have been able to help you...but I don't feel all that inspiring at the moment. I am just hanging on.
((((Hugs)))))
Paula
[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited April 08, 2002).]
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: San Jacinto, California
Posts: 71
Dear JT,
Are we charmers? Darlin' we are manipulators (hope I spelled that right). Do as I want you to do or I will get drunk!
I went to a few Alanon meetings and they explained to me that alcohol is to the AA as the AA is to the Alanon. We can't let go either way.
I have one son who is still out there sparing with King Alcohol. It was hard letting go, but he is now 41 going on 2 years old.
Love you all, you have helped me a lot with your postings. PIckle
Are we charmers? Darlin' we are manipulators (hope I spelled that right). Do as I want you to do or I will get drunk!
I went to a few Alanon meetings and they explained to me that alcohol is to the AA as the AA is to the Alanon. We can't let go either way.
I have one son who is still out there sparing with King Alcohol. It was hard letting go, but he is now 41 going on 2 years old.
Love you all, you have helped me a lot with your postings. PIckle
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I don't think it's him I have to let go of, it's me I have to let go of. It's all about me. He drowns out the part of himself he needs to let go of and I drown out the part of my self I need to let go of. It's hard to face ones self and be truthful about it, and then surrender it. I'm looking at myself right now and I have a huge amount of pain that is not caused by anyone. It's my pain caused by my right to myself that I have not yet surrendered to a Power greater than MYSELF. I don't know how to explain this, but I'll let you know when I figure it out. I'm sure I'm sounding a little crazy again.
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: San Jacinto, California
Posts: 71
Dear Morning Glory,
As a drunk, I had to learn to live in the solution and not the problem. Through the years I learned to become involved in my own sobriety and not in my insanity. When I drank I was totally insane, The Big Book tells me this. I had to change my thinking and I have. After eighteen years I am still changing my thinking, as more and more is revealed.
The "X" is still drinking and is now remarried to another drunk and he is beating her up on a regular basis. I am remarried, to a gentle, loving man, and living a day at a time with the twelve steps. I was so battered I could never leave "X", but I am sure I manipulated him to the point that he did, after the children were adults.
I had a "strange" thing happen when I was about three years sober. I went to visit one of my sons and who should show up...The "X." It had been two years since I had seen him. He came in and sat down next to me on the sofa. I looked at him and thought "who is this man?" It was like meeting him for the first time and I was not impressed. When I shared this at a meeting one of the old timers said it was the first time I met him sober, as I had been drinking the twenty five years we were married. You can not believe the freedom I felt after the meeting. It was as if a fog had lifted. I thought my anger was gone, but I think I need to work more in this area. After reading Barbie's postings it reared its ugly head. I can't stand to see some one knocked around.
MG, you will get through this (this too shall pass). You have a lot of people here that care. Every meeting I have ever gone to there was a sign WE CARE! Stay busy and involved. Please keep sharing.
Love you, Pickle
As a drunk, I had to learn to live in the solution and not the problem. Through the years I learned to become involved in my own sobriety and not in my insanity. When I drank I was totally insane, The Big Book tells me this. I had to change my thinking and I have. After eighteen years I am still changing my thinking, as more and more is revealed.
The "X" is still drinking and is now remarried to another drunk and he is beating her up on a regular basis. I am remarried, to a gentle, loving man, and living a day at a time with the twelve steps. I was so battered I could never leave "X", but I am sure I manipulated him to the point that he did, after the children were adults.
I had a "strange" thing happen when I was about three years sober. I went to visit one of my sons and who should show up...The "X." It had been two years since I had seen him. He came in and sat down next to me on the sofa. I looked at him and thought "who is this man?" It was like meeting him for the first time and I was not impressed. When I shared this at a meeting one of the old timers said it was the first time I met him sober, as I had been drinking the twenty five years we were married. You can not believe the freedom I felt after the meeting. It was as if a fog had lifted. I thought my anger was gone, but I think I need to work more in this area. After reading Barbie's postings it reared its ugly head. I can't stand to see some one knocked around.
MG, you will get through this (this too shall pass). You have a lot of people here that care. Every meeting I have ever gone to there was a sign WE CARE! Stay busy and involved. Please keep sharing.
Love you, Pickle
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I think what I am talking about is giving up the right to my desires for my son. I desire that he be healthy,happy,and whole. I desire that he have a good job so that he can afford food, clothing and shelter. I desire that he have a healthy relationship so he won't be alone. When my desires don't get fulfilled, it causes me great pain. So I guess I have to give up the right to have those desires. And my right to do anything about it. Then it becomes all about me. Am I healthy, happy and whole? NO. Do I have healthy relationships? NO. And what does my son desire for himself? I don't think I've ever asked him.
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