CatHair

AH has been consistently sober for exactly one year. The anniversary marks a year and 2-3 days after he was brought home in a police car after passing out behind the wheel...on the freeway...during early rush hour. Miraculously no person or property was hurt, the incident got his attention, he got counseling and began going to AA, and here he is today. I went to Al-Anon meetings and consulted experienced friends through the first 6-8 months, too, and the family seems to have come through OK.

But...While he has stopped going to AA and clearly has managed his sobriety successfully on his own in recent months, I am ticked off because he has said barely a word about his alcoholism, let alone apologized, to our younger child at home (14, very sensitive and going through his own issues with anxiety and ADHD), nor to our older one now successfully off at college, nor to me. I don't care if he doesn't do the full 12 steps etc., but he has returned to the inarticulate, emotionally shut down person he was before he began drinking so much. And now I'm the one who is supposed to identify a marriage counselor -- after I single-handedly got #1 child through the college application process and #2 child through medical and psychiatric care for the ADHD and school crises last year while AH was going to meetings.

I am genuinely happy for his sobriety. He does express a little physical affection now and then, and it is nice to have him "back." He does love the kids and me. But it's back to the same old uncommunicative, emotionally mute person he was before. At this point my rage is long subsided but i still don't care much at all. I don't feel the need for companionship elsewhere at this time in my life, but lately have been entertaining fleeting thoughts about other men as social beings to enjoy being with.

A good friend said of the relationship with the recovering alcoholic, Don't make any decisions for at least 18 months. OK, but I am grateful for this forum where I can spill my guts.

LoveMeNow

Sadly, I have heard many similar stories as the one you write. Maybe he is not in recovery at all. Maybe he just stopped drinking. IMHO, drinking is just a symptom to a bigger issue.

AnvilheadII

but he has returned to the inarticulate, emotionally shut down person he was before he began drinking so much.

that's the thing about quitting drinking, it doesn't MAKE people better, it just takes away the drunk part. some people respond really well to this state and DO bloom and grow, by putting in the effort to change. others aren't motivated to do the work, they're still who they were before they began self-medicating.

you sound extremely grounded with a good bead on the situation. keep yourself as a priority! more will be revealed.

CodeJob

Hi Cat,

I'm at 18 mo out with RAH. We are now in marital counseling. My qualifier never apologized and spends a lot of time whitewashing my experiences and feelings. We are not intimate either.

I've been working steadily on my steps and he is no longer active in AA. I had internalized way too much anger, and it is starting to surface for me.

My next decision point is late May when DS finishes 8th grade.

My sponsor recommended massages to help offset the lack of physical touch. It was golden advice.

You will find the wisdom to make a good decision.

dandylion

CatHair....If he wasn't an alcoholic, at all....and he was uncommunicative and emotionally mute....how would you feel about the relationship?

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

Recovery must involve active participation in AA, therapy or someone if the alcoholic is to change. As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you it is hard work and it takes a long time. But the person must be motivated to change, really want it, or they remain the same, just not drunk.

dancingnow

Oh gosh I can so relate to all that you're saying CatHair. I think my AH is almost 2 years sober. He stopped going to AA about 4 months ago. I can't believe that I still come on the board periodically to see if anyone is experiencing what I am experiencing, what you described, living with an inarticulate, emotionally shut down person.

I am holding on to what is really a dead relationship. I don't know why.

Trying to stay focused on myself and the kids, getting myself into a new career.

Sometimes I'm alright with what is but when we are just cordial to each other or worse he's nasty because he's having trouble dealing with stress it really gets to me. That's when I really question what I'm still doing here.

CAPTAINZING2000

The alcohol is but a symptom of the disease.

I didn't cheat and steal because I drank, I drank because I cheated and stole.
I continue going to AA to help rid me of my character defects and pass on what I've learned.

Not drinking is but the tip of the iceberg. I hope, your husband reconsiders going to meetings. I hope, you continue you as well. Both programs have helped me tremendously.

SeriousKarma

Ugh. I remember that too well. In the early days my STBXAH would periodically cycle through attempts at white-knuckle sobriety. The longest lasted for about two years. But, he never worked the deeper issues, and was therefore never able to maintain the sobriety.

Aside from all of the obvious difficulties of living with an alcoholic, it's hard on a family, especially teens, to live with someone so emotionally disconnected.

I'm glad your here.

CatHair

Thanks very much, everyone. You are right, it would be wise for me, at least, to go back to AlAnon for some perspective. It's up to RAH to do whatever he is going to do. I got smart and contacted the LCDC RAH first saw, to ask for referrals to marriage counselors who know how to factor in the alcoholism. One of the four she recommended looks OK. Next: to present it to RAH...and figure out how the heck to pay for it.