Still struggling with being left by alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
Still struggling with being left by alcoholic
Hi,
I posted on here about a year ago because I was trying to come to terms with being left by my alcoholic boyfriend. I was the typical co-dependent taking him to the hospital / detox on numerous occasions, spending the night to keep him from drinking so he wouldn't lose his job the next day and letting him stay at my house after he begged in order to sober up. He had a binge drinking episode a week before he broke up with me. I stupidly helped him get through this. I thought he left me so that he could start drinking again. I have not heard from him since he left and have been devastated that I could love and help someone so much and they could not even have a care in the world for me. I feel worthless and used. I found out about a month ago that he has been sober since he left a year ago and has had a new girlfriend. I am glad that he is sober and happy, but can't understand how someone could just write me off after all I went through to help him - not even a thank you. It would make more sense to me if he was drinking and didn't want anyone to interfere, but he is not. Is his behavior related to being an alcoholic in any way or is he just a jerk? Thank you so much. I really appreciate your help.
I posted on here about a year ago because I was trying to come to terms with being left by my alcoholic boyfriend. I was the typical co-dependent taking him to the hospital / detox on numerous occasions, spending the night to keep him from drinking so he wouldn't lose his job the next day and letting him stay at my house after he begged in order to sober up. He had a binge drinking episode a week before he broke up with me. I stupidly helped him get through this. I thought he left me so that he could start drinking again. I have not heard from him since he left and have been devastated that I could love and help someone so much and they could not even have a care in the world for me. I feel worthless and used. I found out about a month ago that he has been sober since he left a year ago and has had a new girlfriend. I am glad that he is sober and happy, but can't understand how someone could just write me off after all I went through to help him - not even a thank you. It would make more sense to me if he was drinking and didn't want anyone to interfere, but he is not. Is his behavior related to being an alcoholic in any way or is he just a jerk? Thank you so much. I really appreciate your help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Hi agreenerlife. He's a jerk. Is his behavior related to being an alcoholic? Probably. A's are notoriously self-centered and emotionally stunted.
He did and is treating you badly but you know what, screw him. I know it hurts but in a weird way he's doing you a favor by showing you his true colors and that he's an ass even when he's sober. You are NOT worthless. You are worth a great deal and you deserve a man who knows this and shows you he knows it.
Odds are he'll treat the new girlfriend the same way he treated you. One day, when the pain disappears (and it WILL) you will be glad you dodged this bullet.
He did and is treating you badly but you know what, screw him. I know it hurts but in a weird way he's doing you a favor by showing you his true colors and that he's an ass even when he's sober. You are NOT worthless. You are worth a great deal and you deserve a man who knows this and shows you he knows it.
Odds are he'll treat the new girlfriend the same way he treated you. One day, when the pain disappears (and it WILL) you will be glad you dodged this bullet.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
"A's are notoriously self-centered and emotionally stunted."
I am one & I can confirm that this is 100% accurate. You might even categorise those as being some of our "finer" qualities.
"you will be glad you dodged this bullet."
Many former girlfriends of mine are very glad they dodged this bullet.
Your heart will very likely mend quicker than his alcoholism agreenerlife.
All the best
I am one & I can confirm that this is 100% accurate. You might even categorise those as being some of our "finer" qualities.
"you will be glad you dodged this bullet."
Many former girlfriends of mine are very glad they dodged this bullet.
Your heart will very likely mend quicker than his alcoholism agreenerlife.
All the best
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
It really is awful the way A's use us!! Be thankful he is gone. I have to deal with my A because we share a daughter. At least yoh have nothing tying you together!!
I know it is painful and you just want answers. Ill tell you what helps me...I just think that even if he gave me a reason for the madness, it still does not excuse the behavior.
Know that you deserve better...do not waste time on him who clearly has no regard for you!!
I know it is painful and you just want answers. Ill tell you what helps me...I just think that even if he gave me a reason for the madness, it still does not excuse the behavior.
Know that you deserve better...do not waste time on him who clearly has no regard for you!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I read an amusing story:
A woman had an alcoholic husband, who threatened to stay the weekend with his mistress. The wife drove him there, then went to the beach.
Halfway through the weekend, the mistress showed up with the husband, and begged his wife to take him back. She refused....
Please work on you, so you don't pick another alcoholic.
We are here to support you.
A woman had an alcoholic husband, who threatened to stay the weekend with his mistress. The wife drove him there, then went to the beach.
Halfway through the weekend, the mistress showed up with the husband, and begged his wife to take him back. She refused....
Please work on you, so you don't pick another alcoholic.
We are here to support you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
When we give, we give with no expectations or it's just being a martyr and/ or fulfilling our need to fix and rescue. You gave freely, and he took the help. Now what have you been doing for you?
The best revenge is a life well lived! Maybe it's time to do a little self help work on you.
The best revenge is a life well lived! Maybe it's time to do a little self help work on you.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
I read an amusing story:
A woman had an alcoholic husband, who threatened to stay the weekend with his mistress. The wife drove him there, then went to the beach.
Halfway through the weekend, the mistress showed up with the husband, and begged his wife to take him back. She refused....
Please work on you, so you don't pick another alcoholic.
We are here to support you.
A woman had an alcoholic husband, who threatened to stay the weekend with his mistress. The wife drove him there, then went to the beach.
Halfway through the weekend, the mistress showed up with the husband, and begged his wife to take him back. She refused....
Please work on you, so you don't pick another alcoholic.
We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Did you ever read Codependent No More? Have you considered trying Al Anon? Have you considered counseling to work through why you are stuck?
You are free from a user. Why is your identity wrapped up in someone who did not treat you like gold?
You are free from a user. Why is your identity wrapped up in someone who did not treat you like gold?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
have been devastated that I could love and help someone so much and they could not even have a care in the world for me.
That was the difficult thing for me. Realizing that I had propped up a person who had a completely utilitarian purpose for me. He had The Job, The House, and The Car, and so he acquired The Wife. It was never about me as a person -- it was about... buying furniture, basically. I matched the drapes and the carpet. (I don't know if that metaphor works for anyone else, but it does for me.)
Being stuck in the past and rehashing things inside your own head usually doesn't help me. It's like I'm walking the same trail in circles. Al-Anon helped me understand, and therapy helped me get out of my thinking rut and see things differently.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
agreenerlife.....I have a suggestion: On the internet...go to Lockerz.com....and watch this: Madea-"people are like leaves, branches, roots- This speaks to your current situation more articulately than I ever could.....
Let me know if you can't find it.
Also---much of what you are feeling is normal grieving.....it will pass, in time.
dandylion
Let me know if you can't find it.
Also---much of what you are feeling is normal grieving.....it will pass, in time.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
OK. I have a slightly different perspective, and am hoping that sharing it is helpful...
I don't see anything in your description that makes the current behavior of the ex-boyfriend "a jerk."
All the experiences that you framed as "taking care of him" likely just seem to him as the events that took place while you were together.
He left because he left, didn't want to be in that relationship. He got sober, is happy, and found another relationship. It sounds like you are upset because he isn't still contacting you and doesn't ask to get back together. But you guys broke up! I certainly wouldn't contact old boyfriends to get back together; if we already broke up it is because I know that they aren't right for me, regardless of whether they were nice or helped me with aspects of my life.
Helping him as he dealt with his alcoholism didn't "buy" a promise to love you most forever. I say this as both an alcoholic and someone who has struggled with codependency.
Love doesn't have to do with how much you give. Love is about mutuality and happiness, and you can be the nicest, most generous woman in the world, and it doesn't mean someone HAS TO love you. It doesn't work that way.
There is a great book (not about alcoholism, but about relationships) called "He's Just Not That Into You." That book has taught me a great deal about my value and dating and why I hang so many expectations on others. It has actually been one of the most useful things I ever read, in terms of a reality checking mechanism which has saved me time and suffering. It is light and funny, but very wise. They made a movie out of the original concept, but the book is non-fiction/humor, and I highly recommend it.
I don't see anything in your description that makes the current behavior of the ex-boyfriend "a jerk."
All the experiences that you framed as "taking care of him" likely just seem to him as the events that took place while you were together.
He left because he left, didn't want to be in that relationship. He got sober, is happy, and found another relationship. It sounds like you are upset because he isn't still contacting you and doesn't ask to get back together. But you guys broke up! I certainly wouldn't contact old boyfriends to get back together; if we already broke up it is because I know that they aren't right for me, regardless of whether they were nice or helped me with aspects of my life.
Helping him as he dealt with his alcoholism didn't "buy" a promise to love you most forever. I say this as both an alcoholic and someone who has struggled with codependency.
Love doesn't have to do with how much you give. Love is about mutuality and happiness, and you can be the nicest, most generous woman in the world, and it doesn't mean someone HAS TO love you. It doesn't work that way.
There is a great book (not about alcoholism, but about relationships) called "He's Just Not That Into You." That book has taught me a great deal about my value and dating and why I hang so many expectations on others. It has actually been one of the most useful things I ever read, in terms of a reality checking mechanism which has saved me time and suffering. It is light and funny, but very wise. They made a movie out of the original concept, but the book is non-fiction/humor, and I highly recommend it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
What I neglected to say in my original post is that after he dumped me he sent me an email saying he still loved me. He asked me to help him through another relapse then slept with me. Once he was fine a couple weeks later i was dumped again. I have read He Is Not Into You and obvoiusly he never was.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
This is probably not going to be what you want to hear, however think about it.
Anyone can break up with anyone for any or no reason at any time and there is nothing the "left" person can do about it. It sucks, but it is the way it goes.
He may have left you because you did too much for him - or tried to. I don't know that to be the case, but most of us want to stand our own two feet and resent anyone who tries to do for us what we can and should do for ourselves.
It was a year ago - I hope you can let it go.
Anyone can break up with anyone for any or no reason at any time and there is nothing the "left" person can do about it. It sucks, but it is the way it goes.
He may have left you because you did too much for him - or tried to. I don't know that to be the case, but most of us want to stand our own two feet and resent anyone who tries to do for us what we can and should do for ourselves.
It was a year ago - I hope you can let it go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
Thanks for everyone's advice. I have received all that I need. Please refrain from giving anything further - I would really appreciate it. I don't think it is possible to delete a topic, but I will contact a moderator to see if I can. Points well taken - I need to get on with it.
Best of luck to all of you on the site.
Best of luck to all of you on the site.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Active (and newly sober) alcoholics are pretty screwed up people. Of course it hurts the ego to learn this but try to just put it behind you. He hasn't spent a year thinking about you, it's time to move on.
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