Wisconsin

I have long since stopped inventorying every bit of minutiae that demonstrates all of the problems in my marriage with my AH. That kind of focus and inventory-taking kept me from examining myself and working on my own recovery.

But there are still random, unexpected things that happen or come up in conversation that still feel like a smack upside the head, showing me "THIS is a perfect example of The Problem in my marriage, and why it can't be saved."

Last night, I mentioned to my AH that a man we went to school with (me from 4th grade through 12th grade, my AH from 7th grade through 12th grade) has had a stroke.

My AH turned and looked at me, and after a long time said "karma's a bitch, isn't it?" and walked away.

Now this man who had a stroke was never in my friend group. Obviously, there is bad blood between him and my AH, but to my knowledge, my AH has had absolutely ZERO interaction or exposure to this man in at least 10 years. I was instantly reminded that in his sober/recovery state, my AH would have never said anything like that about someone who had just experienced such an awful health emergency. But drinking AH has said many, many things like that about people (some who were complete strangers) since he relapsed. And I thought to myself that if this is the kind of person he has chosen to be now, he is free to be that person. But I have never, EVER had that kind of harsh, cynical attitude about the world--not even in the depths of the worst of my own struggles. Yeah, it's hard how to see how a self-professed "hate-filled" man and an eternally optimistic, glass-half-full kind of woman can make a marriage work.

Thank goodness I am past the point where I would try to actually discuss his attitude in this situation. It's HIS attitude, he has a right to it, and it's not my job to try and make him see the "error" of his ways. It is, however, my job to make the best, healthiest choices for myself and for my kids, and get us all the heck out of this toxic waste dump of negativity and disdain.

Not sure why I decided to share this...I guess I just find it interesting that as I have grown in my recovery and decided to leave, I am no longer experiencing these "revelations" when it comes to his treatment of me. I'm so over that, it's ridiculous. I long ago accepted that his behavior toward me is NOT a reflection on me, and isn't really about me at all. But I do still have these occasional a-ha moments about the person he has chosen to be, and how incompatible I am with that person, on things that come up that are totally outside of our personal dynamic. Our personal dynamic matters very little to me anymore, except as it pertains to our son.

I guess this is what detachment feels like!

hopeful4

Wisconsin, my XAH is very critical of others for doing the same things he has done in the past and continues to do! Good grief!

It is amazing when you detach...and then recognize that is just what happened. Absolutely amazing feeling.

XXX

lillamy

And you are free to not be with that person. Isn't it amazing how that realization sort of makes it easier to breathe? Go you!!!

Wisconsin

Indeed! The financial aspects of leaving are still a challenge, but I can absolutely feel my HP at work. The latest? A friend is going to straight-up GIVE me a loft bed that I will be able to use for one of my children when I leave. That has been a big emotional block for me in this whole process--the idea that my children might have to spend any time at all without a proper bed. And now, I can check that one off my list, and move on to the next challenge.

lillamy

Wisconsin, I think I've told you before that my entire apartment (small as it was) was completely furnished by friends. They just went out into their garages and outbuildings and fetched all that stuff that they had been meaning to give to goodwill and not gotten around to. Complete kitchen, complete bedrooms for three kids, solid wood chests of drawers, everything. The only thing I bought was a bed for myself (after I got tired of sleeping on a futon).

My lawyer was driving me nuts through the divorce process by not playing into my worry -- he kept saying, "TRUST THE PROCESS" and that's what I'd like to say to you too, on a HP metaphysical level: Trust the process. The stuff you need will either be there when you need it, or you'll find you really didn't need it...

dandylion

Wisconsin...if you don't mind saying.....how did the marriage counseling session go?

dandtlion

Wisconsin

I do not mind you asking, Dandylion. We had to reschedule, because the babysitter for our son cancelled. We are going next Monday.

Rosalba

Sadly, this can be exactly WHY it works... up to a point. But then it can't work any longer.

I'd been in Alanon for about a year when I went to an open AA meeting; it was a wonderful experience in many, many ways and I'd be the first to acknowledge and welcome recovering alcoholics as the miracle they really are.

However, one of the things that struck me was that all the alcoholics who shared mentioned that, in the early days, making the tea and coffee was a big deal for them. I reflected that an Alanoner wouldn't even think about it; we spent so much of our lives caretaking, making tea (in a metaphorical sense) and clearing up messes which really belonged to other people, that it wouldn't be worthy of comment.

...and in the most profound way possible, realised how I'd set myself up to be taken advantage of by takers, not just the alcoholic who brought me to Alanon, but just greedy, grasping takers in general. I'm now working on distancing myself from all the pessimistic energy vampires in my life. Alcoholism is a symptom of a more profound spiritual malaise within my experience.

Someone who is eternally optimistic (who doesn't really see reality) and someone who's eternally cynical and pessimistic (who also doesn't see reality) have something profoundly in common... and the symbiosis won't shift until one of them really looks at what's going on and decides that enough is enough.

I don't want to spend time with someone when I know I'm going to come away feeling as though I've been through a mincer, while they beam and tell me what a great time they've had!

SeriousKarma

About three years ago I started to take note of similar things that my STBXAH would say. I would tell him some sad something about someone I knew and he would make a comment that was either dismissive or oddly disrespectful. I started tracking it, and keeping a mental list. I'm not sure what I was going to do with my "list", but I just knew it held a key to solving the puzzle that my life had become. I would love to give you more details as to what these bizarre comments were, but the funny thing is I can't seem to remember any of them.

I guess in the grand scheme of things what he said wasn't that important.

Yep, This detachment stuff really is great. I highly recommend it.

mischa1

NICE!!!!! I can't wait to be like you. I'm getting there. Get your bad self on. That was inspiring. Thank you for posting this.

Candy86

Hi Guys,

I am new here.

I need your help since I broke up with my ex boyfriend who is an alcoholic but I can't forget him and everytime he calls me or texts me I always go to meet him. He hurt me several times phisically and mentally but I love him and can't forget him and move on with my life.


I know this is no good for me and I know I need to stay away from him but I feel like I can't do it.

Please give me some advices.

Thanks

heartcore

Candy - you can start a new thread of your own & then people will notice your question. I saw that you've pit this note on the end of a couple of the threads. On the page that has all the titles, there is a button on the upper left to post a new thread.

You are in the right place. You can learn a lot here about the struggle to live through the challenges of a hurting relationship & how to grow & become strong through that experience.