frustrated and just need to vent
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
frustrated and just need to vent
So, after a month and a half of not drinking, my husband slipped. I don't think he drank a lot, but to me, drinking just one drink is a big deal. Of course, I was disappointed and expressed my disappointment. It's especailly disappointing because when he first talked about getting sober, he said, "I'm not doing it for you and the kids. I'm doing it for me now." I thought, "Aha! That's what I've been waiting to hear these past few years." So when I expressed my disappointment, I was accused of not being supportive and how when he slips, the last thing he needs is to hear this. I might add that this is not the first time this has happened. When I asked him how many chances he expects to have to slip, there was no response. So, right now I'm frustrated, angry and sad. He's sworn that he was going to try again, but at this point, I don't know how much more I can take.
He is also battling depression and he's trying to guilt me big time saying that if something happens to him, then I'll have to explain it to the kids, who are 8 and 3. I thought that was a pretty crappy thing for him to say. Again, I've heard it all before and sometimes a secret part of me thinks that things would be much easier if he were gone.
I just don't understand why I still love him. You'd think that after all the drinking, I wouldn't...I sometimes feel like such a doormat. He doesn't see it that way. He thinks I'm difficult and ready to withdraw love at a drop of a hat. I'm sure reading this, your first thought is why are you staying? Just leave! And if it were a friend telling me this, I'd think the same thing. So, just venting. I'm not expecting answers, but I would like to know that I'm not alone.
He is also battling depression and he's trying to guilt me big time saying that if something happens to him, then I'll have to explain it to the kids, who are 8 and 3. I thought that was a pretty crappy thing for him to say. Again, I've heard it all before and sometimes a secret part of me thinks that things would be much easier if he were gone.
I just don't understand why I still love him. You'd think that after all the drinking, I wouldn't...I sometimes feel like such a doormat. He doesn't see it that way. He thinks I'm difficult and ready to withdraw love at a drop of a hat. I'm sure reading this, your first thought is why are you staying? Just leave! And if it were a friend telling me this, I'd think the same thing. So, just venting. I'm not expecting answers, but I would like to know that I'm not alone.
You're not alone - I came here this morning looking for support for similar issues.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Hi, leaving is easier said then done. I DO understand. I left because I could do no more,. I started thinking things would be better if he had past. That sounds terrible I know, but I had taken all I could. I saw that as a sign that I should leave . I hope everything works out in your favor----what ever you decide. It is only a decision that you can make.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
heres2hope. I have already walked the ground that you are on now. I kicked out my son (adult) and cut off all contact. that was after I finally realized that love was not enough.
It was the most agonizing thing I have ever had to do.
dandylion
It was the most agonizing thing I have ever had to do.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
When we love an A there is a lot of chemical glue binding us to that person. Our bodies including our brain will dump serious chemicals to keep us to a mate. It's natural biology and emotions combined.
Doesn't mean its healthy or wise. Not at all. It hurts to break up even when you hate them! lol.
Sometimes separation is good for the A. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Do you have a counselor wading through the dynamics with you that understands relationships and addiction? Alanon?
Its hard to get our heads straight but that is the first step. Detaching is healthy so you can get a good look at the situation and getting a handle on what is best for YOU!
Doesn't mean its healthy or wise. Not at all. It hurts to break up even when you hate them! lol.
Sometimes separation is good for the A. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Do you have a counselor wading through the dynamics with you that understands relationships and addiction? Alanon?
Its hard to get our heads straight but that is the first step. Detaching is healthy so you can get a good look at the situation and getting a handle on what is best for YOU!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
Dandy, I'm beginning to realize that love is not enough. It breaks my heart especially since we have two little ones. I'm actually a bit grateful that our 8 year old has seen his dad is having so much difficulty quitting. It sounds weird, I know, but we've had a few conversations about how daddy is "allergic" to alcohol and it makes him behave in ways that we can't understand and then I follow it up with some lessons in how allergies run in the family, so he may be allergic too, so he has to be very careful when he gets older.
I'm saddened that I have to talk to him about this while he's so young, but he's inquisitive and observes a lot. I question myself everyday on whether I should have kept it a secret for him, but I was just so tired of making up excuses. He's a happy and friendly kid, both of them are, which is why I haven't left already. I doubt myself all the time and it bothers me because prior to this relationship, I've never been one to doubt myself. I just hate what this disease has done to me. I really should see a therapist or attend Alanon meetings. Time is always an issue though, since I work full time and attend grad school, plus I want to be able to spend time with the family. Therefore, posting and lurking on these forums will have to do for right now.
I'm saddened that I have to talk to him about this while he's so young, but he's inquisitive and observes a lot. I question myself everyday on whether I should have kept it a secret for him, but I was just so tired of making up excuses. He's a happy and friendly kid, both of them are, which is why I haven't left already. I doubt myself all the time and it bothers me because prior to this relationship, I've never been one to doubt myself. I just hate what this disease has done to me. I really should see a therapist or attend Alanon meetings. Time is always an issue though, since I work full time and attend grad school, plus I want to be able to spend time with the family. Therefore, posting and lurking on these forums will have to do for right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Here2hope I am sorry what you are going through. When I first read your post I could relate. Sounded just like what I went through this spring/summer with RAH and I too have 2 young kids (7 and 4.) He has had several slips since his first rehab visit in April. Finally I figured out what my boundary was and stuck to it. After he crossed it he was told to leave and he understood it was best for the kids and really for him and I so we could focus on our own recovery as well.
My 7 yr old DD picked up early on what was happening with RAH. When he would drink she would tell him he didn't look good and maybe he should see a doctor (this was before rehab.) She has brought it up on occasion. Her understanding of our separation is so that RAH can work on not drinking and go to(AA) meetings to help him get better.
My 4 yr old DS only knows that RAH comes and visits and calls every day. They don't have a close relationship so he doesn't say he misses him like DD does.
My 7 yr old DD picked up early on what was happening with RAH. When he would drink she would tell him he didn't look good and maybe he should see a doctor (this was before rehab.) She has brought it up on occasion. Her understanding of our separation is so that RAH can work on not drinking and go to(AA) meetings to help him get better.
My 4 yr old DS only knows that RAH comes and visits and calls every day. They don't have a close relationship so he doesn't say he misses him like DD does.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
H2h, his attitude doesn't bode well for the future. I hope he manages to stay sober from now on.
The emotional blackmail (explain to the kids) is shocking. Next time he says something like that, tell him to research what the effects of suicide on children when he feels like throwing it around as a threat.
The emotional blackmail (explain to the kids) is shocking. Next time he says something like that, tell him to research what the effects of suicide on children when he feels like throwing it around as a threat.
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