Just sad and need to vent
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Just sad and need to vent
Hurting so badly right now. I'm at work, but can't concentrate to get anything done... I feel like horrible employee lately... but don't want to go home because I don't think that would make anything better. Trying to push through this part, as it has been less than a week since he left, and I know it will get easier as the days go on, and I still know I have done the right thing... but I hurt so much!
AH just called wanting to meet at lunch so I can give him some of his things. And he actually sounded good and sober, and said nothing about being sad or wanting to come home or missing us. He just said he's "working on not drinking." So that should make me happy? But it makes me feel like I want to die right now. I don't believe it will stick. Why would I? I know he gets his paycheck today and that will lead to another binge, like it always has. But part of me actually worries that it won't... that he will actually do better on his own, and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I WANT him to be miserable. I WANT him to fail. I want him to beg to come home, so that I can feel like I'm the one in control, instead of this feeling like I'm the one who is being left and rejected.
And the thought of him being with someone else right now is what really hurts. I should be glad for him to find another enabler, it will keep him away from me... and I know it won't last anyway, until he is actually in recovery... but what if it does? What if he is able to stay sober for someone else, when he couldn't do it for me?
Worried about seeing him in an hour to give him his things. Worried he will be as indifferent as he was on the phone, and I will not be able to handle it and say something I don't want to say, like ask him how his new girlfriend is (whether she exists or not? But I assume, since he is acting this way, that he has been with someone the last couple of days) , or tell him I miss him and want him to come home, and then I'll just feel like **** about myself.
I'm sorry, a bunch of what if's, and future tripping, and I know I've written some of this before, but just needed to get it out again. I hate feeling so needy... but this is what it is right now.
Trying to take it one day at a time, but I've never felt a pain this intense
AH just called wanting to meet at lunch so I can give him some of his things. And he actually sounded good and sober, and said nothing about being sad or wanting to come home or missing us. He just said he's "working on not drinking." So that should make me happy? But it makes me feel like I want to die right now. I don't believe it will stick. Why would I? I know he gets his paycheck today and that will lead to another binge, like it always has. But part of me actually worries that it won't... that he will actually do better on his own, and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I WANT him to be miserable. I WANT him to fail. I want him to beg to come home, so that I can feel like I'm the one in control, instead of this feeling like I'm the one who is being left and rejected.
And the thought of him being with someone else right now is what really hurts. I should be glad for him to find another enabler, it will keep him away from me... and I know it won't last anyway, until he is actually in recovery... but what if it does? What if he is able to stay sober for someone else, when he couldn't do it for me?
Worried about seeing him in an hour to give him his things. Worried he will be as indifferent as he was on the phone, and I will not be able to handle it and say something I don't want to say, like ask him how his new girlfriend is (whether she exists or not? But I assume, since he is acting this way, that he has been with someone the last couple of days) , or tell him I miss him and want him to come home, and then I'll just feel like **** about myself.
I'm sorry, a bunch of what if's, and future tripping, and I know I've written some of this before, but just needed to get it out again. I hate feeling so needy... but this is what it is right now.
Trying to take it one day at a time, but I've never felt a pain this intense
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry, I know how badly this hurts and how little relief there is from it.
Is there anyone else you can send to meet him to give him his things at lunch time? Someone you trust? The more physical and emotional distance (and time) you can put between yourself and your A, the better. I get that part of you really wants to see him. But that is not the part that has your best interests at heart. It's the part that is afraid of being without this relationship no matter what it costs you. It's the fear talking, and it's not very bright.
Sometimes, you know, one day at a time is too much. Try one hour at a time, or one quarter hour. They build up, they really do. Sending you strength and courage and hugs. You really will get through this.
Is there anyone else you can send to meet him to give him his things at lunch time? Someone you trust? The more physical and emotional distance (and time) you can put between yourself and your A, the better. I get that part of you really wants to see him. But that is not the part that has your best interests at heart. It's the part that is afraid of being without this relationship no matter what it costs you. It's the fear talking, and it's not very bright.
Sometimes, you know, one day at a time is too much. Try one hour at a time, or one quarter hour. They build up, they really do. Sending you strength and courage and hugs. You really will get through this.
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I'm sorry. I'm thinking you're probably gone by now but I agree with Sparklekitty -- why expose your fragile self to meeting with him?
I would avoid it. Avoid contact. Because it only hurts you. (((hugs)))
I would avoid it. Avoid contact. Because it only hurts you. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I don't have anyone to do that right now. No one I work with knows what's going on, and our families don't live here... And, I know keeping distance is best, but I guess I'm wanting to see him, hoping he'll give me a little "pellet" to keep me going, and if he doesn't, I know I'll just feel worse. I hate admitting that...
Leaving in 5 minutes, and just going to keep it quick as I can, not say anything I'll regret.
Sometimes, you know, one day at a time is too much. Try one hour at a time, or one quarter hour. They build up, they really do. Sending you strength and courage and hugs. You really will get through this. Thank you for that, Sparklekitty. I'm keeping that in mind.
Leaving in 5 minutes, and just going to keep it quick as I can, not say anything I'll regret.
Sometimes, you know, one day at a time is too much. Try one hour at a time, or one quarter hour. They build up, they really do. Sending you strength and courage and hugs. You really will get through this. Thank you for that, Sparklekitty. I'm keeping that in mind.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Kboys 
Leaving in 5 minutes, and just going to keep it quick as I can, not say anything I'll regret.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Kboys
UGH! I have a long way to go...
Being able to be honest and non-judgmental with yourself about how you feel is a Very Big Thing. I know it doesn't feel great, but at least you are not in denial about who he really is and what you really want. You are farther down the road of recovery than you give yourself credit for.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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remember just because HE calls and suggests a meeting time and activity (in this case called you THIS MORNING so you could give HIM stuff on YOUR Lunch hour) you don't have to agree. you get to operate on your own timetable. you can say no not at lunch, how about tonite at 6 at the Piggly Wiggly parking lot?
He just said he's "working on not drinking." So that should make me happy?
it shouldn't MAKE you anything....it was a statement on his part, not requiring any response, anymore than if he said he's chopping his own firewood for the winter. you don't have to try and read things into what he says...or try to figure out how you are SUPPOSED to feel in reaction. you begin the art of taking things at face value, and stop trying to reading minds, or convince yourself you understand another's motives. cuz all that means you aren't in YOU, you are over in someone else's body, tryng to feel their feelings, and read their thoughts.
i'm glad it went well enough.
What if he is able to stay sober for someone else, when he couldn't do it for me?
that isn't how it works. you know that. and besides it doesn't really matter.....what is true is the history you had and the now....and how his drinking and related antics brought you to the need to separate. so that YOU don't have to live the life of an active alcoholic anymore.
He just said he's "working on not drinking." So that should make me happy?
it shouldn't MAKE you anything....it was a statement on his part, not requiring any response, anymore than if he said he's chopping his own firewood for the winter. you don't have to try and read things into what he says...or try to figure out how you are SUPPOSED to feel in reaction. you begin the art of taking things at face value, and stop trying to reading minds, or convince yourself you understand another's motives. cuz all that means you aren't in YOU, you are over in someone else's body, tryng to feel their feelings, and read their thoughts.
i'm glad it went well enough.
What if he is able to stay sober for someone else, when he couldn't do it for me?
that isn't how it works. you know that. and besides it doesn't really matter.....what is true is the history you had and the now....and how his drinking and related antics brought you to the need to separate. so that YOU don't have to live the life of an active alcoholic anymore.
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Thanks Anvilhead. You are so right, and I know it. But trying to get to the point where I go from knowing all that in my head, and actually acting and behaving as though I believe it, is hard... but I think I'm on my way
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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You said everything I am feeling right now. My ex broke up with me after 3 years to fix himself. I should be happy he has been sober for 2.5 years and wants to keep going. But I feel so angry. I did so much and gave up so much of myself. Now I am the one hurting and he isn't. I know it's irrational, but I want him to be in as much pain as me. I know I will be better off without him. I know I will find someone else who is in a position to have a healthy loving relationship with me. But it doesn't lessen the pain. And he keeps telling me when things have cooled down that we can be great friends. F that. How the hell am I supposed to be just friends with someone I loved and wanted to marry? And yes I know looking at it from a new perspective, I never should have wanted those things from someone who could never give them. But when you are in it, you don't see it that way.
I am sorry I used your post for my own little rant. I just feel everything you are going through. Hopefully we can both move past this and we will come put the other side better and stronger for it.
I am sorry I used your post for my own little rant. I just feel everything you are going through. Hopefully we can both move past this and we will come put the other side better and stronger for it.
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"I am sorry I used your post for my own little rant. I just feel everything you are going through. Hopefully we can both move past this and we will come put the other side better and stronger for it"
Thanks D
And don't be sorry, rant away. We will move past it, but it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now when the pain is so hard to deal with.
"Now I am the one hurting and he isn't. I know it's irrational, but I want him to be in as much pain as me."
I know... I feel that way too. I don't like admitting it, but it would make me feel better if I knew he was miserable and depressed. And I want him to acknowledge all that I did for him, and how hard it was on me, instead of continuing to blame me.
I saw him today, unpacking his stuff, and making a new home, like it didn't even bother him, and like he wasn't even sad about it. If it was going to be that great, and it's what he really wanted anyway, becuase I "won't change the things that he doesn't like, so why should he stop drinking?" why didn't he just do it a long ass time ago instead of putting be through all this BS for two years?!
Thanks D
And don't be sorry, rant away. We will move past it, but it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now when the pain is so hard to deal with."Now I am the one hurting and he isn't. I know it's irrational, but I want him to be in as much pain as me."
I know... I feel that way too. I don't like admitting it, but it would make me feel better if I knew he was miserable and depressed. And I want him to acknowledge all that I did for him, and how hard it was on me, instead of continuing to blame me.
I saw him today, unpacking his stuff, and making a new home, like it didn't even bother him, and like he wasn't even sad about it. If it was going to be that great, and it's what he really wanted anyway, becuase I "won't change the things that he doesn't like, so why should he stop drinking?" why didn't he just do it a long ass time ago instead of putting be through all this BS for two years?!
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"Working on his drinking...."
That's what they do until they get to step 1 , admitting that they are POWERLESS over alcohol and their lives have become unmanageable.
You are not the only one who wants him to fail- so does his higher power. Step 1 again.
I TOTALLY feel for you. We are going on 7 months since we separated. My alcoholic partner has actually gotten much worse since then with his disease. I have seen him 3 times in 7 months.
Believe me, your pain will become more manageable and is temporary. Please DO get yourself to Alanon. It will give you the tools you need to grow and be at peace.
That's what they do until they get to step 1 , admitting that they are POWERLESS over alcohol and their lives have become unmanageable.
You are not the only one who wants him to fail- so does his higher power. Step 1 again.
I TOTALLY feel for you. We are going on 7 months since we separated. My alcoholic partner has actually gotten much worse since then with his disease. I have seen him 3 times in 7 months.
Believe me, your pain will become more manageable and is temporary. Please DO get yourself to Alanon. It will give you the tools you need to grow and be at peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Kboys.....denial of reality is standard for all active alcoholics. Drinking to avoid feelings is also standard.
It is folly to expect a mind distorted by alcoholism to think and reason like you--or someone with a healthy mental functioning.
The way things are now is not the way they WILL be.....
dandylion
It is folly to expect a mind distorted by alcoholism to think and reason like you--or someone with a healthy mental functioning.
The way things are now is not the way they WILL be.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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I want my ex to be in a state of misery as well...lonely, sad, remorseful, paralyzed without me! But Im getting it girls......., they wont because they will drink away those feelings! Lets face it...they might not be going through the storm we are but the reality is the disease is their misery!
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Found a helpful post that may help all of us struggling. Its speaks to why we are all here and we are all making the choice to detatch from the person!!! I have read it a million times and as I am healing it is finally releasing me of some of the pain and sadness. Its tiltled " WHY DO ALCOHOLICS HURT PEOPLE"
http://www.privilegedaddictwriter.bl...rt-people.html
http://www.privilegedaddictwriter.bl...rt-people.html
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Slothy.....I just checked out that website....and it really does look like a good one!!!
I am adding it to my list of good resources to recommend to (newcomers, especially) who ask those gigantic questions, like: "Why does he do that"....
Thank you for posting it!
dandylion
I am adding it to my list of good resources to recommend to (newcomers, especially) who ask those gigantic questions, like: "Why does he do that"....
Thank you for posting it!
dandylion
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