isitme

So, I've done it. After being on these boards over 6 years, I'm moving on. I just had enough of the non-stop conversations about how our relationship sucks and I don't meet his needs. Just everything. I told him Sunday I would look for a place. (It's been said before so I'm sure he believes I'm doing the Codie Quack) But this time I did it. I found a place, I've been approved and I put in my deposit today. Now I have to tell him. Que Panic!!!!

And my little boy's birthday is next week.

I feel like I'm just going to have to run on auto-pilot for a while to get threw the next few weeks.

Any pointers on how to have the convo that I'm really leaving, taking the kids and walking out? How to tell the kids? How to stay the course the next few weeks?

lillamy

I don't know how you talk to him about it -- it would depend for me on whether he's just a whiny sad sack or whether he's aggressive. Aggression can peak when he realizes you are actually serious about leaving, so be careful.

isitme

that's the thing.. he flips between the two, but I don't think he'd do anything physical. I think I'm just really really freaked because I don't know what to expect.

MissFixit

I would have your plan of action in place and do it without the kids around. I would also let a friend know you are telling him so they can check in with you for the hours surrounding the talk.

maia1234

Move and then tell him.... then he can't talk you out of it or stop you.

After you tell him and then try and have NC- No contact. Block his number on your phone. Maybe tell him he can contact you through so and so and they will relay the message.

Chances are you are going to pxss him off and he is going to be very angry with you. Less communication is better, as I am sure you have threatened to leave before and never followed through. Just try this for a week or so, until he calms down. Then you don't have to be scared of what he will say to you, and of course he would not threaten someone else with a message to you.

I am not sure if its against the law to leave, but you know how much you can take. Good luck on your decision. Its horrible to leave, but I wished I hadn't wasted 26 years of my life, before I left.

Good luck and do what's best for you and the kids. He is a big boy and can take care of himself.

isitme

My brain keeps telling me to tell him..

but that's just doesn't work huh? It's like I want him to understand, and actually co-parent and feel bad or something. .but that's unlikely, right?

Why do I feel so completed to tell him?

lillamy

I didn't think so either. If he even has aggressive tendencies, I would start moving things he won't notice to a friend's house or a storage unit. And then have friends help you move, preferable when he's at work or out of town. And tell him then.

firebolt

Maybe it's your heart telling you to tell him? Because that is what YOU would expect from someone who loves and respects you?

It is said over and over in here that you can't expect logic or rational reasoning from someone in active addiction. It took a year of living with ABF before I realized that first hand.

I caution that he might take it well - even unemotionally at first....but odds are, much like any active addict in their day to day dealings....that it will fluctuate from one end of insanity (raging and hatred) to the other (begging, false promises and manipulation.)

Granted - all people are different. I certainly thought my A was the exception for a while.

Good luck - I envy where you are on your path to recovery and a brighter future. I hope the next few weeks are smooth and uneventful, and your move in to your peaceful new home is tranquil and ever so satisfying!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!

BunnyNest

I looked back and you have said he has hit you.

I would contact a domestic violence hotline (and lawyer) and review all of your options, as they are his children, correct?

Take care of yourself!

Stung

I would tell him after you're completely moved out. I just read your very first post here on SR and he has definitely been physically aggressive with you in the past.