Feeling sad
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
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Hi Butterfly...just thought I would pipe up and let you know that I do know how you feel. We are in a very similar boat...I still love my ex AH and am really struggling with no contact still.
When I'm feeling strong I block him on fb and get on with my life blissfully ignorant of what he is doing with his agf.
Then I have moments of weakness and unblock him and take a peek at what he is doing...why the hell do I keep doing this to myself? I saw last night that he was on yet another holiday with her in a 4 star hotel surrounded by beaches and palm trees. I plunged into despair yet again. On top of that I now need to wait 48 hours to block him again!
I have dished out the advice to you to go nc and find that I am not taking it myself. Yet another talking to to myself nand yes lets start talking the positives with ourselves. I am so glad you posted this thread Butterfly and I am so grateful to read the advice from others. I so needed to read it this morning as I am in such a state yet again. Lesson learnt yet again....
When I'm feeling strong I block him on fb and get on with my life blissfully ignorant of what he is doing with his agf.
Then I have moments of weakness and unblock him and take a peek at what he is doing...why the hell do I keep doing this to myself? I saw last night that he was on yet another holiday with her in a 4 star hotel surrounded by beaches and palm trees. I plunged into despair yet again. On top of that I now need to wait 48 hours to block him again!
I have dished out the advice to you to go nc and find that I am not taking it myself. Yet another talking to to myself nand yes lets start talking the positives with ourselves. I am so glad you posted this thread Butterfly and I am so grateful to read the advice from others. I so needed to read it this morning as I am in such a state yet again. Lesson learnt yet again....
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi martina I hope your feeling more positive tonight. NC is so hard, I can go a short time feeling strong and determined to not contact him then I wobble. I'm trying really hard to not contact him tonight and let him know I'm still here for him and I still love him. It I'm trying to think with my head. I've started asking myself, what will it achieve and the answer is more pain and confusion for me. Since he left I've sat here waiting about for him to get help and nothing has happened, all the while he's thinking sure what does it matter what I do when I've had enough (if he ever reaches that point) she will be there waiting for me. He needs to realise that I won't be.
In my head NC means moving on with my life and focusing on me although I am sure there will be times when I break that but right now I can't it hurts and I miss him but it hurts more to be in contact with him.
I am trying to make sure my head rules my heart!
He may be on holiday with her but you know something it won't be long before she's had enough because if he's still actively drinking he's treating her the same way as he treated you and if he's not and he's on his best behaviour it won't be long before that facade drops and all she's left with is the alcoholic. Let her deal with his behaviour, that's her problem now. you are now free from it and don't need to deal with his addiction.
Stay strong martina and don't be so hard on yourself we all make mistakes and relapse back into our codie ways but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forgive yourself and turn the focus back onto you! We are only human after all and we can't control who we love or their reaction and decisions we can only control how we respond to our A's.
In my head NC means moving on with my life and focusing on me although I am sure there will be times when I break that but right now I can't it hurts and I miss him but it hurts more to be in contact with him.
I am trying to make sure my head rules my heart!
He may be on holiday with her but you know something it won't be long before she's had enough because if he's still actively drinking he's treating her the same way as he treated you and if he's not and he's on his best behaviour it won't be long before that facade drops and all she's left with is the alcoholic. Let her deal with his behaviour, that's her problem now. you are now free from it and don't need to deal with his addiction.
Stay strong martina and don't be so hard on yourself we all make mistakes and relapse back into our codie ways but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forgive yourself and turn the focus back onto you! We are only human after all and we can't control who we love or their reaction and decisions we can only control how we respond to our A's.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
today is actually a real struggle, i really want to contact him and am doing everything i can not to. I dont know what it is i really miss him, it doesnt help that ive been looking at old photos of us.
I was with my cousellor last night and we were talking about the progress i had made and the decisions I had made based on what is best for me and not based on what other people want and what is best for them. this has been a hard struggle and today i dont want to struggle!! I wonder though when I think i am doing ok is this when my determination lessens am I afraid that oh my im doing ok something is going to go horribly wrong?? i dont know if this makes sense as I cant really explain what I mean. Sorry
We spoke about the mask I constantly feel i have to put on when im at work, with the kids or others and how draining it is to keep everything locked up all day until I crawl into bed then its like a sigh of relief, i can feel what i need to feel and deal with it. During the day I cant and I think thats what is emotionally draining me.
DS was also at his dads last night for dinner and DD is there tonight.
I am emotionally exhausted I have no energy or motivation, hence sitting her in work posting on SR.
I would love a day or two where I dont have to think about what has happened, what is happening and what is going to happen, I am tired of fighting every day!!
I was with my cousellor last night and we were talking about the progress i had made and the decisions I had made based on what is best for me and not based on what other people want and what is best for them. this has been a hard struggle and today i dont want to struggle!! I wonder though when I think i am doing ok is this when my determination lessens am I afraid that oh my im doing ok something is going to go horribly wrong?? i dont know if this makes sense as I cant really explain what I mean. Sorry
We spoke about the mask I constantly feel i have to put on when im at work, with the kids or others and how draining it is to keep everything locked up all day until I crawl into bed then its like a sigh of relief, i can feel what i need to feel and deal with it. During the day I cant and I think thats what is emotionally draining me.
DS was also at his dads last night for dinner and DD is there tonight.
I am emotionally exhausted I have no energy or motivation, hence sitting her in work posting on SR.
I would love a day or two where I dont have to think about what has happened, what is happening and what is going to happen, I am tired of fighting every day!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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while i've heard that the saying " Human Doing versus Human Being" has been attributed to Earnie Larsen (see bio below), i of course can't find solid Google proof.
regardless of the source, it is true that MANY of us get so busy DOING that we forget how to just BE. We wear hats, we take on roles, and next thing you know we are somebody's WIFE, somebody's MOTHER, somebody's EMPLOYEE - we run errands and clean houses and cook dinners and organize family christmas get-togethers and take the cat to the vet and volunteer EVERY year for the school auction - we DO and DO and DO - and that becomes our identity.
Earnie Larsen was a pioneer in the field of recovery from addictive and unwanted behaviors. He is the originator of the process known as STAGE II™ RECOVERY. Stage I Recovery focuses on the breaking of a primary addiction or unwanted behavior. Stage I is a release from that destructive behavior. Upon achieving that release, however, there still remain the patterns and habits, the feelings and attachments to old systems that must be dealt with if recovery is to continue. Resolving these life issues is what makes up Stage II™ Recovery.
Along the road of recovery, Earnie’s signposts have connected the dots to show you where you started as a human being, how to take your recovery as deep as the damage, and along the way how to achieve joy and abundance.
regardless of the source, it is true that MANY of us get so busy DOING that we forget how to just BE. We wear hats, we take on roles, and next thing you know we are somebody's WIFE, somebody's MOTHER, somebody's EMPLOYEE - we run errands and clean houses and cook dinners and organize family christmas get-togethers and take the cat to the vet and volunteer EVERY year for the school auction - we DO and DO and DO - and that becomes our identity.
Earnie Larsen was a pioneer in the field of recovery from addictive and unwanted behaviors. He is the originator of the process known as STAGE II™ RECOVERY. Stage I Recovery focuses on the breaking of a primary addiction or unwanted behavior. Stage I is a release from that destructive behavior. Upon achieving that release, however, there still remain the patterns and habits, the feelings and attachments to old systems that must be dealt with if recovery is to continue. Resolving these life issues is what makes up Stage II™ Recovery.
Along the road of recovery, Earnie’s signposts have connected the dots to show you where you started as a human being, how to take your recovery as deep as the damage, and along the way how to achieve joy and abundance.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you anvil yes I think I am definitely stuck in the same behaviour pattern, home, kids, work and now university and not enough time for me to figure out who I am and what I want. I do need to make more time for myself.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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I wonder though when I think i am doing ok is this when my determination lessens am I afraid that oh my im doing ok something is going to go horribly wrong?? - Butterfly
When I start to think I'm doing ok, I also feel a little "down," hesitant, sad, scared... bc I know this is my ultimate goal and bc I know what it means... that I'm moving on, getting further away from him, leaving him behind 😔
When I start to think I'm doing ok, I also feel a little "down," hesitant, sad, scared... bc I know this is my ultimate goal and bc I know what it means... that I'm moving on, getting further away from him, leaving him behind 😔
Baby Steps
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It's frustrating as you are feeling ok then suddenly bang and your low again, it has almost been like a switch went off after my counselling session. I was determined, angry and accepting of my decision regarding wanting nothing to do with him but now I'm feeling sad and teary.
I have been thinking about divorce and at times I think yes this is what I want then other times I think I'm not ready for that, but I'm ok not upset just accepting that is how I feel. yet when I think about my separated ah asking for a divorce I panic and again become really upset. I feel as though I'm forcing myself to make a decision about divorcing him, almost as though I have to file first show him I'm in control Nd not waiting about for him to decide??
I don't understand why though I do think I will file for a divorce because no matter what way I think about it we have no future together even if he did decide to get sober I could never trust him and would worry about a possible relapse.
I have been thinking about divorce and at times I think yes this is what I want then other times I think I'm not ready for that, but I'm ok not upset just accepting that is how I feel. yet when I think about my separated ah asking for a divorce I panic and again become really upset. I feel as though I'm forcing myself to make a decision about divorcing him, almost as though I have to file first show him I'm in control Nd not waiting about for him to decide??
I don't understand why though I do think I will file for a divorce because no matter what way I think about it we have no future together even if he did decide to get sober I could never trust him and would worry about a possible relapse.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
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I find waves of stuff comes thru. I've had a wave of depression, triggering by good stuff or by bad stuff, seems like every week. The difference is in how I respond... emotionally invest and get wrapped around the axle or detach and let the feelings come and go... or something in between.
I went into an alanon meeting suffering under a huge load of stuffed anger and frustration and it magically evaporated when my butt hit the char. Other times I've left the meetings sometimes transformed sometimes just as mute as when I came in.
I went into an alanon meeting suffering under a huge load of stuffed anger and frustration and it magically evaporated when my butt hit the char. Other times I've left the meetings sometimes transformed sometimes just as mute as when I came in.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 123
The rollercoaster of emotions is exhausting...I feel it too! It is one of the threads that binds us all! I get so pissed lately because I feel like I am giving my exabf who has moved on with his life way too much power over me for feeling this way! But The exhaustion from these emotions will fade once we are freed completely. We have to keep reminding ourselves we are on that path to freedom.! ..........So let us struggle now for a little, so we can get to that other place....peace!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
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Butterfly...I am not considering divorce just yet as I don't think I am strong enough to cope with it. I am going to wait until next year and am giving myself loads of time and space.
I appreciate that its a way forward to a fresh start but do you really want to start divorce proceedings now when you are still struggling with coming to terms with it all?
It would mean yet more of the dreaded contact with him!
Iamthird I totally agree with you!!!!
I appreciate that its a way forward to a fresh start but do you really want to start divorce proceedings now when you are still struggling with coming to terms with it all?
It would mean yet more of the dreaded contact with him!
Iamthird I totally agree with you!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by martina12 
do you really want to start divorce proceedings now when you are still struggling with coming to terms with it all?
It would mean yet more of the dreaded contact with him!
It would mean yet more of the dreaded contact with him!
Once you can envision your life without an abusive alcoholic in it, staying married can feel like purgatory.
Baby Steps
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No I'm not ready for a divorce. I got home from work tonight and was lifting the shopping out of my car and he drives up with DS in the car, I haven't seen him in a few weeks and last time I spoke to him was over a week ago. It was a shock to see him, he looks dreadful hasn't shaved in weeks but it was heart breaking seeing him aNd I struggled to hold back the tears! I have been feeling very tearful all day and even started crying when I was at training today. The trainer was talking about death andgrief and losing someone you love next thing I know the tears are falling down my face - humiliating
After seeing him I came into the house and completely broke down. I really don't think I can cope with much more of this it is so painful and I feel that I should be further on than I am 7 months later!!
After seeing him I came into the house and completely broke down. I really don't think I can cope with much more of this it is so painful and I feel that I should be further on than I am 7 months later!!
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Originally Posted by Butterfly
...I feel that I should be further on than I am 7 months later!!
If your best friend were going through this, would you tell her she was taking too long to get over it? Or would you show her some compassion, extend her some patience, and tell her there's no timeline for recovery?
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