OT - Should I feel guilty for not wanting to talk to my mom right now?
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OT - Should I feel guilty for not wanting to talk to my mom right now?
I'm stressed out this week. Since AH left the hospital, I've heard nothing from him but a couple of texts saying "You betrayed me" because he thinks I told the cops to put him on a psych hold.
My mother and I have a strained relationship. She has NEVER been there for me emotionally. Like, I can't think of a time in my life where I've gone to her with problems in my life like relationships, marriage, my AH issues.
My sister can't talk to her either. She gave us no guidance growing up about sex or dating, and she pressured both of us to marry men she knew nothing about.
I don't blame her for my decisions; I married who I married. But I do have some resentment toward her. She also has what I think (and other relatives agree) is an unhealthy relationship with my six-year-old. She blatantly favors him. She is almost obsessed with him. She shows none of that toward my 3-year-old. For example, I took the boys on a 6-hour drive to my grandfather's birthday party a few weeks ago. When I got there to the hotel, my cousin who I have not seem in 7 years was there and he asked if I could go grab a drink with him and catch up. My mom offered to take my 6-year-old to hang out in her room, but told me why don't I take 3-year-old with me?
Also, she knows what I've been going through with moving out and being on my own, and she has been to my place one time. She never offers to help me, or watch the boys. She just likes to text me about how she's going for a massage or to get her nails done.
She's been texting me every day as usual, asking "What's up? Can I skype with six-year-old?" I didn't respond for ONE day and I got a text saying "You must be too busy for your mom
" Yes, yes I am too busy. I have bills to pay, a stressful job, and two small children. I also have homework. And a husband who is MIA from his business this week and will probably lose half of his clients. I am under a lot of stress. All I want to do when I get home is spend time with my boys and get what I need to get done for the next day.
Do I need to feel guilty for wanting to be left alone for a few days? Is it really that much to ask? I'm 32 years old.
My mother and I have a strained relationship. She has NEVER been there for me emotionally. Like, I can't think of a time in my life where I've gone to her with problems in my life like relationships, marriage, my AH issues.
My sister can't talk to her either. She gave us no guidance growing up about sex or dating, and she pressured both of us to marry men she knew nothing about.
I don't blame her for my decisions; I married who I married. But I do have some resentment toward her. She also has what I think (and other relatives agree) is an unhealthy relationship with my six-year-old. She blatantly favors him. She is almost obsessed with him. She shows none of that toward my 3-year-old. For example, I took the boys on a 6-hour drive to my grandfather's birthday party a few weeks ago. When I got there to the hotel, my cousin who I have not seem in 7 years was there and he asked if I could go grab a drink with him and catch up. My mom offered to take my 6-year-old to hang out in her room, but told me why don't I take 3-year-old with me?
Also, she knows what I've been going through with moving out and being on my own, and she has been to my place one time. She never offers to help me, or watch the boys. She just likes to text me about how she's going for a massage or to get her nails done.
She's been texting me every day as usual, asking "What's up? Can I skype with six-year-old?" I didn't respond for ONE day and I got a text saying "You must be too busy for your mom
" Yes, yes I am too busy. I have bills to pay, a stressful job, and two small children. I also have homework. And a husband who is MIA from his business this week and will probably lose half of his clients. I am under a lot of stress. All I want to do when I get home is spend time with my boys and get what I need to get done for the next day.Do I need to feel guilty for wanting to be left alone for a few days? Is it really that much to ask? I'm 32 years old.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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If you don't want to talk to her right now, then don't talk to her. No need to feel guilty. We all have times when we're just not available to chat. Sounds like she is trying to make you feel guilty, but don't let her. You're doing absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
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All of that boundaries and detachment stuff can come in real handy here, Emmy hon.I'm sorry she's adding to your stress. You deserve to do whatever you want to do.
My mother is a good mom and has been a great support to me. (A bit of a pit bull, but that's another story). Sometimes I don't want to talk to her when I don't have the energy to match her intensity level. I sometimes feel a little guilty. Just a bit though. You, on the other hand, have laid out a pretty good list there for leaving the guilt aside. I find the issue with your six year old upsetting. I hate favoritism. Especially when it comes to grandparents.
No, forget the guilt. There's no reason for it and it doesn't serve any purpose anyway.
My mother is a good mom and has been a great support to me. (A bit of a pit bull, but that's another story). Sometimes I don't want to talk to her when I don't have the energy to match her intensity level. I sometimes feel a little guilty. Just a bit though. You, on the other hand, have laid out a pretty good list there for leaving the guilt aside. I find the issue with your six year old upsetting. I hate favoritism. Especially when it comes to grandparents.
No, forget the guilt. There's no reason for it and it doesn't serve any purpose anyway.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
time to put your foot down, establish boundaries and learn to say NO. even to your mom. YOU call the shots, you get to decide who interacts with your children and when. you get to decide when you will reply to a text. you get to determine how your home/family time is spent.
so unhook that chain attached to you and quit letting people YANK IT!
so unhook that chain attached to you and quit letting people YANK IT!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 40
Emmy,
You need to do what's right for you. I realized my mother is a narcissist about 12 years ago. Since then I've distanced myself from her by reducing the amount of time I spend with her and how often I call her, etc.
I completely understand not having your mom be there to support you. My therapist told me recently that one reason I hadn't establish firm boundaries with my AH and enabled him for so long was the abuse I received as a kid. But you don't realize that growing up. You just know something is off and can't put your finger on it.
There are several books about relationships with mothers that have helped me and may help you (I know you're busy but there may be articles as well...)
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride (McBride also has several articles posted on Psychology Today that are quick reads to help.)
"The Mom Factor" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of groundbreaking book Boundaries. They discuss several different Mom types and use biblical principles to discuss how to handle mothers that are not always sweet and loving! This really helped me b/c my mom threw out "honor thy mother" whenever I didn't do what she wanted.
To me the first priority as a mother is to protect your children, even if that means from your own mother. I remember a trip to visit my sister with my then 12 year old DD and my mother that involved two days of driving 8 hours per day. My DD told me, "Mom I feel like I have two mommas that tell me what to do. You tell me something and then granny always comes right behind you and tells me the same thing but differently. I only need to hear it once!"
When I discussed it with my mother later she acted like I had pierced her heart...so wounded and so aghast that I would tell her anything. But she stopped the "second helping" of talking to my DD and I could handle her dramatics bc in the end she stopped the behavior with my DD. But since then I haven't taken her on a long trip with my DD again!
Bottom line is that you do what's best for you and your children -- NO ONE ELSE HAS YOUR AND THEIR BEST INTEREST AT HEART -- even if that means distancing yourself from your mother!
I'm sorry you're going through everything and don't have your mom's support. Having a narcissistic mother actually made me aware of everything I DIDN'T want to be for my own children. It's difficult to realize you can't rely on the two people many wives do rely on: their mothers and their husbands. But once you get that, you just have to build a network of support from others. It's difficult but once you realize that it's up to you to protect your kids you just have to dig deep to find the inner strength and do it. And you will! You're doing so much already!
Praying for you and your family! God bless you!
You need to do what's right for you. I realized my mother is a narcissist about 12 years ago. Since then I've distanced myself from her by reducing the amount of time I spend with her and how often I call her, etc.
I completely understand not having your mom be there to support you. My therapist told me recently that one reason I hadn't establish firm boundaries with my AH and enabled him for so long was the abuse I received as a kid. But you don't realize that growing up. You just know something is off and can't put your finger on it.
There are several books about relationships with mothers that have helped me and may help you (I know you're busy but there may be articles as well...)
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride (McBride also has several articles posted on Psychology Today that are quick reads to help.)
"The Mom Factor" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of groundbreaking book Boundaries. They discuss several different Mom types and use biblical principles to discuss how to handle mothers that are not always sweet and loving! This really helped me b/c my mom threw out "honor thy mother" whenever I didn't do what she wanted.
To me the first priority as a mother is to protect your children, even if that means from your own mother. I remember a trip to visit my sister with my then 12 year old DD and my mother that involved two days of driving 8 hours per day. My DD told me, "Mom I feel like I have two mommas that tell me what to do. You tell me something and then granny always comes right behind you and tells me the same thing but differently. I only need to hear it once!"
When I discussed it with my mother later she acted like I had pierced her heart...so wounded and so aghast that I would tell her anything. But she stopped the "second helping" of talking to my DD and I could handle her dramatics bc in the end she stopped the behavior with my DD. But since then I haven't taken her on a long trip with my DD again!
Bottom line is that you do what's best for you and your children -- NO ONE ELSE HAS YOUR AND THEIR BEST INTEREST AT HEART -- even if that means distancing yourself from your mother!
I'm sorry you're going through everything and don't have your mom's support. Having a narcissistic mother actually made me aware of everything I DIDN'T want to be for my own children. It's difficult to realize you can't rely on the two people many wives do rely on: their mothers and their husbands. But once you get that, you just have to build a network of support from others. It's difficult but once you realize that it's up to you to protect your kids you just have to dig deep to find the inner strength and do it. And you will! You're doing so much already!
Praying for you and your family! God bless you!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Emmy, no need to make it harsh. Tell her the truth, you are going through a stressful period and just need to chill once you get home, so will reduce contact for a while. She may deserve harshness, but it won't help you to add that stress to your life.
She seems to be contacting you for HER sake, not yours, so if she's not calling to offer support, back away a bit. Maybe a chat once a week?
Possibly she'll get the hint, but don't count on it. If you're really up for it, could you tell her you could use some practical support? Have some concrete examples on hand in case she agrees!
She seems to be contacting you for HER sake, not yours, so if she's not calling to offer support, back away a bit. Maybe a chat once a week?
Possibly she'll get the hint, but don't count on it. If you're really up for it, could you tell her you could use some practical support? Have some concrete examples on hand in case she agrees!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
"Sorry, Mom, we're really busy right now. I'll have DD6 Skype you on Friday (or whenever). Talk to you soon!"
I wouldn't tell her why, and I wouldn't hand her any ammo. You don't have to tell everyone everything. Just lay down the boundary, be nice about it, walk away. If she's cranky or sad or mad about it, that's her business and totally out of your control.
DETACH, girl, and do something nice for yourself in the meantime.
I wouldn't tell her why, and I wouldn't hand her any ammo. You don't have to tell everyone everything. Just lay down the boundary, be nice about it, walk away. If she's cranky or sad or mad about it, that's her business and totally out of your control.
DETACH, girl, and do something nice for yourself in the meantime.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
For your 3 year olds sake tell your mom what you see as being hurtful and flat out mean. If she continues, detach and cut out. Some grandparents are scary possessive and even aunts/uncles. However the guilt is false guilt you possess. You are making a healthy decision for yourself.
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