Southerncross

So I've started at al-anon, therapy and reading posts on here.

But the more I think about things the sadder I get. I know I need to focus in me in irder to continue my own recovery, but is this normal?

I don't want to slip back into thinking 'everything is fine' because I know it isn't.
I know I second guess everything AH says and does. I even know he is still lying to me.
I'm not in a position to just get up and walk away at this point, although I know that's pretty much the only option for my own sanity.

3 months in and I've progressively gotten worse... Oh that alcoholism....
But I also feel terrible for thinking I am going to give up eventually.

This is far harder than I ever thought it was going to be. I'm supposed to be strong dang it!

hopeful4

It's not easy, that's for sure. When I finally learned to detatch from the chaos, I had to ask myself, is anything I am doing going to change his alcoholic, narcissist behavior? The answer of course was no, I had tried and tried.

So....I knew I had a choice. Live in the continued chaos and be tortured in my own mind, or detatch and work on myself so I knew for myself and my children that when the time came, I would be strong enough and prepared enough to do whatever I had to do to be a good mother and take care of them in the way a parent should. And to take care of me and give myself the things I need in my own life, self-esteem, expectations of trust and love from a spouse, happiness, stability, the list goes on. AS I started learning what I want and need, I had to think about how I could accomplish those things. It all started with ME.

So, I did a 12 step at Celebrate Recovery. I went to a therapist that specializes in addiction. I read and read everything I could get my hands on. I came back here to SR and got support from people who care and can understand where I am. I put the focus back on myself and my children.

It's all normal. Breathe. Give yourself time. Three months seems like a lifetime but in reality is a short amount of time.

Tight Hugs. You are worth all the effort, I promise!

dandylion

SouthernCross....Yes, it is normal to have these kinds of feelings as the blinders come off....as you you start seeing the true reality of the situation you have been living in.
Also, realizing feelings that you might have been stuffing for a long time while you tried to cope or control the situation.
This has been going on for a l ong time---so, naturally it will take a little time to heal from it.

As you move forward, these emotions will eventually subside in favor of newer emotions of anticipation and hope for a better life of happiness and peace of mind. As you start to look forward and not backward at the past.

It might help to start working on your "plan" for leaving...

dandylion

lillamy

You are. If you weren't strong, you wouldn't have hung in this far.

Here's the thing, though: Strong people don't bend. They remain strong until they break. And your job is to make sure things don't go so far that you break.

Hugs from one strong person to another.

AnvilheadII

sweetie, if you don't do for you, who will? like it or not, this is your life to get a handle on and get it moving in a positive healthy direction. there are no "make my life better" fairies - trust me i've looked!

dandy brings up a truly important topic about beginning to make plans - plans for protecting yourself as much as possible from the fallout of addiction, plans for getting out within a reasonable time frame, plans on securing income, a financial nestegg, a place to live.....none of those things happens by themselves.....they will all take ACTION on your part, but it will all be worth it!