lynne35

I've been living with an active alcoholic for the past two years. Two nights ago, after i poured out his last beer, he pushed me down on the bed and punched me in the head and arms and slapped me numerous times. I called the police (first time he has ever touched me) and he is now in jail, charged with domestic violence and assault.

And I'm so sad..I think I loved the guy who he was sometimes... the guy who brought me coffee in bed, and went to yard sales with me, and made me laugh, more than anyone else has. And I miss him, and I know I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.. And he's been in a downward spiral, and I'm not able to help him..

I'm trying to keep busy, but I feel so alone. And I don't know where to go from here.

stella27

Hi. Welcome. You have come to the right place. Keeping busy is a good thing. Making a safety plan for yourself would also be a good idea. Talking to a domestic violence hotline or crime victim's advocate might be helpful.

What steps do you need to take so that you will be protected when he is released from jail?

BoxinRotz

Alanon. If you can't find a meeting or just don't feel it's right for you, then stick around here.

You did NOT cause it.
You can NOT control it.
You can NOT cure it.

This is his fight and unless his jail stay wakes him up, he will not stop. We do not know what their bottoms are. And, only you know when you've had enough. You will not love him sober.

When does the hurt stop? When you say, enough is enough.

Welcome.

ladyscribbler

Where will he go when he gets out? My ex's mom used to bail him out of jail and drop him back off on our doorstep. Are you safe where you are right now?
I loved my ex too, and I fought hard to stay with the man he was, but I ended up having to flee the monster he became. This type of violence is not a "one and done" incident, no matter how much he apologizes, sweet talks, says he didn't mean it, blames the booze, whatever. This cat doesn't go back in the bag, so please keep yourself safe, no matter how persuasive or remorseful he sounds after this.
Going to Alanon after my breakup saved me from a life of self hatred and depression. I also do individual therapy. Reading and learning here on SR has also been a wonderful resource for my personal recovery from not only that alcoholic relationship, growing up with an alcoholic father.
So glad you are posting here. Welcome and hugs.

honeypig

lynne35, so sorry you have the need to be here, and so glad you did the right thing by calling the police after you were assaulted.

I'd agree w/the advice to read here as much as you can--make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. This section might be of particular use to you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

I'd strongly recommend Alanon too--SR is a wonderful and supportive community, but there is simply something about f2f contact that can't be replicated on an internet forum. SR and Alanon together have been a powerful force for change and learning in my life; you may find the same.

And regarding your thread topic and question, when does the pain stop, this thread (also from the stickies at the top of the page) answers it beautifully, I think: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

Wishing you strength and clarity, lynne. Please check back in often so we know you're OK.

lynne35

Thanks for all the warm responses...

I won't stop loving him, but I know I can't be with him anymore. We moved into this house together, it had no electric, no plumbing, he has put his heart and soul into fixing it up in the last six months. This house is all he has.. no friends here, no family. I do have other places to go... I still own another home.. so I think I'm going to let him come back here, and I will move out. There's really nothing of value in the home that I need, everything here was really extra items I already had, furniture he built or stuff we got cheaply in yard sales. No mortgage on this home either....

He is from England, and I think it's time for him to go back there. His family is there, time for them to help him. My goal is to finish the house so we can sell it, and give him half the money, and let us both move on.

Sungrl

Lynne, if he is beating you up, I would maybe not be so concerned with fixing and selling the house. I would focus on getting the hell out of there and away form him.

hopeful4

Hello, I am so sorry for what brings you here. How awful for you. Please know you are not alone, we will walk this with you. You have been given good advise, especially to read the stickies referred to you.

Tight Hugs, stay safe!

lynne35

I don't know where this came from.. he's never been violent before... and now that he has crossed that line, I know it will be easier the next time.. So, I will leave... and it still hurts.

Hammer

Suppose you would not want to get between a Very Hungry Dog and his food.

Might be that same way with an A and his Alcohol.

As for the hurting and how long it lasts, if there is nothing broken, the bruises and general aches can last a couple of weeks.

----------------------

Real Deal, replacing the pain with laughing is about the best fix I have found.

Best to you.

Do not worry about the house for now. Get your mind, heart and life in good order.

NYCDoglvr

lynne.....Of course it hurts, but I hope you can get out soon. He is now a dangerous person, unfortunately, and you must protect yourself. God bless, a big hug.

honeypig

Alcoholism is a progressive disease--you'll see that fact mentioned here a lot. In view of that, I think you are exactly right regarding how it will be easier to cross that line in the future. He will only get worse, and I don't think it will be healthy for you to be around to see that.

It WILL hurt to leave, to change. No doubt. But it's short-term pain for long-term gain. This is a quote I saw posted here some time ago:

"When the time comes for you to make a change, to grow, to do your life in a different way, the universe will make you so uncomfortable, so unhappy, you will eventually have no choice. If you insist on staying in a place you no longer belong in, if you do not grow the courage to do what is necessary to propel yourself forward, you will suffer the consequences, whatever they may be." ~Iyanla Vanzant~

You showed great courage in reporting him to the police and letting him sit in jail. So many people would not have done that, dropping the charges or otherwise letting him NOT suffer the consequences of his actions. This speaks volumes about who you are and how strong you are. It WILL hurt, but you WILL make it.

hopeful4

Lynne, vent away. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good plan. We are here to support you, that includes just being here for you while you deal with the hurt.

XXXX

lynne35

Thanks everyone, for the support.. It helps to hear from people who have been through it... no one else seems to understand...

Santa

You are so smart to get out now. Some of us are walking wounded from 10, 20 years of this. My ex is dying of his disease. Run.

lynne35

Ahh, Santa.... I'm so sorry...