Crazy or doing the right thing?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
Crazy or doing the right thing?
I apologize in advance. This is my first post. Although I've been reading nonstop for the last two days I don't feel like I have all the abbreviations down, but I'm just at a point where I just want someone to tell me that, yes-I'm doing the right thing here.
My husband of 8 years and I have a wonderful, happy, smart and funny 7 year old son. My husband is an alcoholic. In retrospect I guess he already had the problem when we met 13 years ago but it was just beer on the weekends and when I felt it got out of hand he would quit for extended periods. He would start up again and each time it progressed. Beer to vodka, just weekends to a couple times a week. Three years ago he quit for almost a year and things were going so well...we were getting along, enjoying each other, he was so present/active in our son's life, and was in such good shape we actually trained and ran a full marathon together at the beginning of 2013. Immediately after that though it's been a fast slide downhill. In March 2013 he started drinking again. This time he added smoking (hadn't smoked for 10 years.) The drinking (375 ml bottles of vodka) became an every night thing. He would always drink after I went to bed at 11pm. I often got woken up at 3-4am with the sound of him falling, banging into things, dropping bottles, breaking glasses, etc. Although my son is a heavy sleeper, I didn't want him seeing/hearing that so I asked my husband to move out this January. His parents live 2 miles away so he went with them. Well that seemed to make an impact. He said he was done for good. I waited six months to be "sure" during which we attended counseling sessions with a addiction/mental health counselor together. He came over every night for dinner and left as soon as my son was tucked in for the night. He moved back in on the 4th of July. Within two weeks he was drinking again.
In my mind I've always had two non-negotiables...physical violence or driving drunk with my son in the car. I honestly believed he would never, ever cross the line with either of those. Other than a beer or two at lunch I never knew him to drink at all during the daytime. Early last month I got home from work at 5pm and my husband was obviously drunk, not making sense...telling me he was going to fly up to a different state the next day, telling me to F%}#! off and he wasn't even walking straight. He had picked up my son from his after school program less than an hour before.
You know what? Just writing that last sentence...I know I'm doing the right thing. It's a progressive disease right? So if he refuses to go to AA and will only ever try to quit on his own I'm just going to keep getting the same result....or worse.
Anyway, I immediately told him he needed to leave and the next day I contacted an attorney. My divorce paperwork is almost ready to be filed. He has said he won't argue with me on anything but I'm not sure if he'll still feel that way when he realizes I want sole parental responsibility and supervised visitation. In my favor - he has no money to get an attorney, has creditors after him and his parents are on my side in this. I had previously way overextended myself - apparently enabling his addiction - but I'm current on everything and can make it on my own if I'm smart about things. Luckily when we bought the house the mortgage was in my name only and once the divorce is final my expenses will go down because I'll no longer be paying for his cell phone, car insurance, health insurance, etc. etc. ETC!
All this would be easy if it wasn't for my son...who is the sweetest kid you'd ever meet. He's not going to understand this but I need to break this cycle and keep him safe no matter what.
Thank you for reading this. I appreciate any feedback on my decision.
My husband of 8 years and I have a wonderful, happy, smart and funny 7 year old son. My husband is an alcoholic. In retrospect I guess he already had the problem when we met 13 years ago but it was just beer on the weekends and when I felt it got out of hand he would quit for extended periods. He would start up again and each time it progressed. Beer to vodka, just weekends to a couple times a week. Three years ago he quit for almost a year and things were going so well...we were getting along, enjoying each other, he was so present/active in our son's life, and was in such good shape we actually trained and ran a full marathon together at the beginning of 2013. Immediately after that though it's been a fast slide downhill. In March 2013 he started drinking again. This time he added smoking (hadn't smoked for 10 years.) The drinking (375 ml bottles of vodka) became an every night thing. He would always drink after I went to bed at 11pm. I often got woken up at 3-4am with the sound of him falling, banging into things, dropping bottles, breaking glasses, etc. Although my son is a heavy sleeper, I didn't want him seeing/hearing that so I asked my husband to move out this January. His parents live 2 miles away so he went with them. Well that seemed to make an impact. He said he was done for good. I waited six months to be "sure" during which we attended counseling sessions with a addiction/mental health counselor together. He came over every night for dinner and left as soon as my son was tucked in for the night. He moved back in on the 4th of July. Within two weeks he was drinking again.
In my mind I've always had two non-negotiables...physical violence or driving drunk with my son in the car. I honestly believed he would never, ever cross the line with either of those. Other than a beer or two at lunch I never knew him to drink at all during the daytime. Early last month I got home from work at 5pm and my husband was obviously drunk, not making sense...telling me he was going to fly up to a different state the next day, telling me to F%}#! off and he wasn't even walking straight. He had picked up my son from his after school program less than an hour before.
You know what? Just writing that last sentence...I know I'm doing the right thing. It's a progressive disease right? So if he refuses to go to AA and will only ever try to quit on his own I'm just going to keep getting the same result....or worse.
Anyway, I immediately told him he needed to leave and the next day I contacted an attorney. My divorce paperwork is almost ready to be filed. He has said he won't argue with me on anything but I'm not sure if he'll still feel that way when he realizes I want sole parental responsibility and supervised visitation. In my favor - he has no money to get an attorney, has creditors after him and his parents are on my side in this. I had previously way overextended myself - apparently enabling his addiction - but I'm current on everything and can make it on my own if I'm smart about things. Luckily when we bought the house the mortgage was in my name only and once the divorce is final my expenses will go down because I'll no longer be paying for his cell phone, car insurance, health insurance, etc. etc. ETC!
All this would be easy if it wasn't for my son...who is the sweetest kid you'd ever meet. He's not going to understand this but I need to break this cycle and keep him safe no matter what.
Thank you for reading this. I appreciate any feedback on my decision.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
IMO Guava you are doing exactly the right thing. You're protecting your son. Thank God he was not hurt while your husband drove drunk with him. You're also extricating yourself from a situation that is very likely to get worse. You sound strong and brave and prepared. Good luck to you and God bless.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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Hi Guava, and welcome to the forum.
Your son may not fully understand now, but he's not going to stay seven forever. Trust me, some day he will not only understand, but will appreciate the hard decisions that you have made for him. It's not as though you threw the towel in at the first sign of your husbands drinking. You set clear boundaries, and he chose to break them. You did good, and your son will know it. Have faith in yourself, and have faith in your son.
Your son may not fully understand now, but he's not going to stay seven forever. Trust me, some day he will not only understand, but will appreciate the hard decisions that you have made for him. It's not as though you threw the towel in at the first sign of your husbands drinking. You set clear boundaries, and he chose to break them. You did good, and your son will know it. Have faith in yourself, and have faith in your son.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
You sound totally grounded. Yes you are doing the right thing. Don't hang on for another decade of the same like I did. Good luck and I'm sure you've thought of this but go for supervised visitation with your son so that he is protected.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You may still be responsible for *****'s medical. Depends on what he can get out of you through the divorce since you provided it in the first place.
Don't ever question yourself or your decisions to get away from an alcoholic... especially an active one. Go Forth! Prosper! Be Merry! Your son and you will be much better in the long run.
Don't ever question yourself or your decisions to get away from an alcoholic... especially an active one. Go Forth! Prosper! Be Merry! Your son and you will be much better in the long run.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
It was wonderful to wake up to all this encouragement! I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to reply. I feel pretty strong in my decision but every once in a while I playback in my mind certain things he has said and...well...it's hard. Reading your responses (and re-reading my initial post) really, REALLY helps. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I'm very sorry you find yourself in this position, but bravo for being strong and making good choices! You only have one chance at raising a happy, healthy, well adjusted child and your taking smart steps to do just that. Your son will understand and thank you for this one day.
It's unfortunate that your husband isn't able to find sobriety yet, but know that he does have choices and if the choices he makes are not healthy for you and your son then you must protect yourselves.
Wishing you the best!
It's unfortunate that your husband isn't able to find sobriety yet, but know that he does have choices and if the choices he makes are not healthy for you and your son then you must protect yourselves.
Wishing you the best!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 8
I am new here also, and I have WAY more questions myself than I have answers...
That said I am the adult childof a very dysfunctional family and I agree with those who astutely note your son will not be seven forever, he will understand one day... and you are making the right choices putting that son before anything and everyone else.
Seven year olds can understand alot more than people give them credit for, and in my opinion being honest with your son [to a degree, he obviously doesn't need gory details] is the right way to go. Kids can smell BS when they're told it.
Is your son in school? If there's a school social worker, they may be a great advocate and source of advice and info for you re: what to do/say to son... and availability of resources to help him should he need it.
My husband is a school counselor [think social work, not 'what classes should I take' counselor], and any time you want/need ideas/advice/suggestions... he is always, always willing to help, just let me know.
**{hugs}} to you. Our sons are very special aren't they?
That said I am the adult childof a very dysfunctional family and I agree with those who astutely note your son will not be seven forever, he will understand one day... and you are making the right choices putting that son before anything and everyone else.
Seven year olds can understand alot more than people give them credit for, and in my opinion being honest with your son [to a degree, he obviously doesn't need gory details] is the right way to go. Kids can smell BS when they're told it.
Is your son in school? If there's a school social worker, they may be a great advocate and source of advice and info for you re: what to do/say to son... and availability of resources to help him should he need it.
My husband is a school counselor [think social work, not 'what classes should I take' counselor], and any time you want/need ideas/advice/suggestions... he is always, always willing to help, just let me know.
**{hugs}} to you. Our sons are very special aren't they?
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
Guava--just saw this. How are things going? You are absolutely doing the right thing for your son.
My only suggestion would be to always talk to him about his dad's alcoholism--age-appropriately, of course. The communication has been really helpful to me with my kids.
My only suggestion would be to always talk to him about his dad's alcoholism--age-appropriately, of course. The communication has been really helpful to me with my kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
Sikofit - you must be reading my mind tonight!!! I was actually thinking of how to phrase my next question for this community dealing with the exact suggestion you posted! Thanks for checking in.
I'm going forward with the divorce - really hoping it can be finalized by year end - my attorney thinks so. I'm actually feeling very positive about it...no second guessing...I just know this is the best thing for me and for my son.
Where I am really needing help is on how to explain the situation to my son. My AH still comes over for dinner and bedtime routine most nights. He leaves as soon as our son goes to bed. My son knows (a) Daddy is staying at Grandma & Grandpa's house every night and (b) Mommy & Daddy are having some major issues and may not stay together. Where I have failed is in talking to him about the why. I don't have an issue anymore with protecting my AH from the shame, etc., but I want to protect my son from the big worries I have that his dad is going to wind up drinking himself to death. I'd love to hear how others have explained this. I feel like by trying to maintain some normalcy for my son I've actually failed him. I'm set to discuss this issue with my counselor later this week but welcome any advice.
I'm going forward with the divorce - really hoping it can be finalized by year end - my attorney thinks so. I'm actually feeling very positive about it...no second guessing...I just know this is the best thing for me and for my son.
Where I am really needing help is on how to explain the situation to my son. My AH still comes over for dinner and bedtime routine most nights. He leaves as soon as our son goes to bed. My son knows (a) Daddy is staying at Grandma & Grandpa's house every night and (b) Mommy & Daddy are having some major issues and may not stay together. Where I have failed is in talking to him about the why. I don't have an issue anymore with protecting my AH from the shame, etc., but I want to protect my son from the big worries I have that his dad is going to wind up drinking himself to death. I'd love to hear how others have explained this. I feel like by trying to maintain some normalcy for my son I've actually failed him. I'm set to discuss this issue with my counselor later this week but welcome any advice.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
Someone on here once said that for a younger child, they used the explanation that the A was "allergic" to alcohol? I thought that was pretty cool.
I can't remember how old my kids were when I started using the word "alcoholic." I guess it depends on the kid, too.
BUT--and I think this is important--I've never let them get away with using AH's alcoholism as an excuse not to follow other, non-related expectations or limits. I mean, he makes some wrong decisions, but he is still their father and is at many times clear-headed enough to be sensible. When I write that, it sounds horrible, but it's all part of the dance I've decided to call life, I guess.
I can't remember how old my kids were when I started using the word "alcoholic." I guess it depends on the kid, too.
BUT--and I think this is important--I've never let them get away with using AH's alcoholism as an excuse not to follow other, non-related expectations or limits. I mean, he makes some wrong decisions, but he is still their father and is at many times clear-headed enough to be sensible. When I write that, it sounds horrible, but it's all part of the dance I've decided to call life, I guess.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
As a kid who was never told the truth, was never given the vocabulary or shown the respect or common decency by my mother (bless her, she was struggling) to be straight with me or any of my sibs I beg you to start naming what is going on with simple accurate language.
If someone, ANYONE, any level headed adult had just once put their arm around my shoulder and told me "this is alcoholism, you didn't cause it, it doesn't mean you can't love your dad, or that he doesn't love you, it just means he is caught in a world where alcohol makes him sick but he can't stop drinking it. It's an addiction. And I am always here for you because you may have many questions, or you may get scared, and that's normal."
I often wonder if my mom or someone had been capable of honesty and providing honest support if my 3 bros wouldn't have ended up alcoholic. I'll never know. :-(
Keep it simple. But remember kids always imagine worse things than reality... and I knew something was wrong in my family as early as 1st grade so what is that 6 or 7? This is a serious conversation, like the ones we have with our kids about sex, safe sex, and drugs and alcohol, that ideally you will have many times over the course of decades as he grows and matures and his perspective changes. You can't start too soon.
Bravo for taking care of you and your son first - you are rare and brave, and it will make a big difference!
(((hugs)))
B
If someone, ANYONE, any level headed adult had just once put their arm around my shoulder and told me "this is alcoholism, you didn't cause it, it doesn't mean you can't love your dad, or that he doesn't love you, it just means he is caught in a world where alcohol makes him sick but he can't stop drinking it. It's an addiction. And I am always here for you because you may have many questions, or you may get scared, and that's normal."
I often wonder if my mom or someone had been capable of honesty and providing honest support if my 3 bros wouldn't have ended up alcoholic. I'll never know. :-(
Keep it simple. But remember kids always imagine worse things than reality... and I knew something was wrong in my family as early as 1st grade so what is that 6 or 7? This is a serious conversation, like the ones we have with our kids about sex, safe sex, and drugs and alcohol, that ideally you will have many times over the course of decades as he grows and matures and his perspective changes. You can't start too soon.
Bravo for taking care of you and your son first - you are rare and brave, and it will make a big difference!
(((hugs)))
B
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by Bernadette 
If someone, ANYONE, any level headed adult had just once put their arm around my shoulder and told me "this is alcoholism, you didn't cause it, it doesn't mean you can't love your dad, or that he doesn't love you, it just means he is caught in a world where alcohol makes him sick but he can't stop drinking it. It's an addiction. And I am always here for you because you may have many questions, or you may get scared, and that's normal."
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