schnappi99

There are two alanon groups I go to, one larger one smaller. Both are fairly diverse but with the usual ratio of women to men, that said my homegroup the smaller one was nearly at 50% yesterday.

I've never felt there to be a constraint on the types of issues people share about. There are the classic ones (one of the guys is a double-winner, his wife an alcoholic as well and she's been on a 3-day bender this week- a big nasty relapse- so he's really trying to work his alanon program well), but there is another lady there who has a son in recovery from heroin and a husband who refuses any and all recovery and even the mention of it- fear and denial. I and another in the group are in the middle of our 1st 4th step so there is lots of talk about childhood/teen experiences with alcoholism, abuse, neglect.

But I am beginning to see some groups have stronger recovery happening than others. My sponsor is a retired double-winner, he goes to lots of meetings of all kinds, spending time at the weaker ones to help strengthen them, its a form of service work for him; to do what he can to show the newbs that recovery can happen even if they don't stay in alanon or in that meeting. He's spending $50 of is own to buy alanon lit for one of them. I'm going to follow his lead and start attending some weaker meetings too.

But I've not run into anyone in alanon yet who would propose thats the only way or that finding whatever combination of techniques work is someone inappropriate. Might be there are alanon book-thumpers.. its a big world out there, thankfully we are all free to ignore any such- but in general people do seem to honor the group conscience request that in-meeting dialog stays focussed on the conference approved material- but outside that scope anything is fair game.

That said I could see "hot and fresh" addiction drama being disturbing to a long settled group of old timers. But you never know... theres a weak group around there that meets wednesdays I generally can't make that one schedule-wise, but did once. There were maybe 6 people, no newbs, the chair in poor health yet had a magnificent speaker that day... one of those that gets invited to speak at big AA/alanon conferences etc so one never knows.

I'm trying to follow Joe & Charlie's AA line here; pay close attention to everyone even if its an old-timer who never worked a step because you never know who your higher power may be speaking through today.

Santa

These are truly excellent questions, core questions. I've been thinking about this a lot. Strangely it was my XAH who pointed out to me years ago that confrontation makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is still true. Because of professional expectations, I have for years been in the habit of framing problems very diplomatically...allowing the other party to save face. Sometimes taking responsibility for things that I know, and the other party usually knows, are not in any way my fault. This is pretty easy for me as a trained codependent.

What I've pondered over and sat with is why.....why am I both drawn to controlling, angry people and also afraid to create conflict with them. I have come to the conclusion that I learned at my mother's knee. My father is/was controlling, angry, and the only person in the house allowed to express himself fully. As children we were heavily discouraged from any display of anger or sadness ("I'll give you something to cry about!")

My parents have been married nearly 60 years. My mother's level of anxiety - trying not to set my father off, becoming visibly but quietly upset and trying to smooth things out if anyone in the room displays any anger or sadness or implied criticism - is very difficult to deal with. I see now how I became codependent. Interestingly, my siblings are much less affected.

So I am still sitting with this. I don't have answers to your questions. I still do not like open conflict. It has challenged me for years in setting limits with my kids. I am extremely uncomfortable when they become angry with me, even though I tell them that we can be angry with each other and still love each other 100%.