Gracey

How do you find the courage to leave someone???? How do you get past the guilt of being in a relationship that you know you shouldnt have been in...I am 11 years older then my husband.....(he was of age) I should have known better......and this relationship lasted 10 years later a house and a child and lots of debt.....how do i get passed that I am responsible for a second failed marriage and ruining another man's life????????

myles1

Hello?

Breec?

Aren't you on this board because you are married to an A????????

Are you pouring the booze down his throat?

Are you acting like an idiot because you are drunk?

Are you putting your marriage in jeopardy because you drink too much?

I'm not saying this to be hurtful Breec but you don't have the power to ruin anyones life, only your own, if you choose. As we say in A.A "we aren't that important."

Marriage is 50/50 and so are the divorces. We have our parts in it definitely but not 100%!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:band

Ngaire

Nightowl

oh huge hugs Breec as I have had those same thoughts. I feel so guilty that I hurt my SO. I should have known from the beginning that his drinking wouldn't have been acceptable to me. So why did I let it go until he was attached and settled and then I pull the rug out from under him.

Do you hear our codie selves?? Really??? I know where you are at right now. But listen to Myles post. It truly is what you need to ehar. And me too. I am re-reading it again.

Do you feel you should have been wiser since you were older?? You gave love a chance and it isn't working for you now. There are no guarantees when you get married. Relationships are extremely complicated...then throw in A-ism and oh my goodness...complicated doesn't begin to describe it. Don't be hard on yourself. Just do what is right for YOU. cause what is right for YOU is right for all. You have to be true to yourself. Relax. It will work out Everything happens for a reason. You may have had a profound impact on yhour AH"s life. But it may not show up until much later.

hugs sweetie

Gabe

Breec,
Whoa, time out. The fact that your marriage failed does not rest solely with you. It takes two people to make a marriage and two people to break one. You couldn't have known better, it doesn't work that way.
Moving on is difficult enough, give yourself a break in the guilt department, okay?
Hugs,
Gabe

Magichappens

How to get courage ( my experience only):
1. Pray
2. Get sick and tired enough of doing the things that are hurting me to try something different.
That is the Magic plan for courage. It has helped to use the 12 steps to let go of the guilt. Hugs, Magic

jessieandme2003

You can do it too, Bree.

I am 11 years older than my AH. Actually 10 years and 9 months.

I should have known his drinking wouldn't be acceptable.

I let my own daughter get to know this step-father, and live with him for almost 6 years (married the last 3 of those.)

I bought a house, a truck, even have a dog we shared.

And this was now my second failed marriage.

Can you agree we have shared a similar path?

OK, good, because now I want you to know I felt all the guilt and fear and overwhelming responsibility you are feeling.

But I finally did it. I ended it. And it was hard, but thanks to family, friends, and this board, I can finally see more clearly how I certainly did the right thing.

Now let me go down our list again...

The age difference probably played into my feeling I could take care of him and then he'd love me unconditionally. Or maybe it was midlif crisis at 32, who knows, I did buy a sports car around the same time. lol Probably take years of therapy to explore that whole age issue more, but I choose not to.

I should have known the drinking would be unacceptable, and I did know. I just figured when life got grown up and we married and bought a house he'd control it more, like everyone else does. I might have to help him, be stronger, be what he needed, but with me by his side I just believed he'd control it when the time came. I was clueless as to the total alcoholic package.

I can see that my deep fear of him being gone from my daughter's life, and the disruption I feared that would cause was in my own mind. I was sure it made me an awful Mom if I pushed yet another man outr of my life, and hers. And yes, it was hard to adjust to someone being gone, but I later learned how much living with an alcoholic put on our happy little home life. Even though I thought we hid it pretty well. My daughter is much happier having him gone, and me and all to herself. She is much happier having life be all about she and I, and NOT all about him, as it was. Our home life is so much calmer, more peaceful, more in control, that I now know I would never go back. I almost wonder how I could have thought I was happy at all. How I let THAT be my daughter's childhood. I was in denial.

As for my house, I hired an attorney and, as it turned out, did not lose the house, or anything else that really mattered. It is easier to divide 'stuff' than you think. I still kind of hurt for the big screen TV and the table and chairs he took, but I can replace those one day. And I kept the dog, he didn't want that responsibility.

I especially was ashamed of the second failed marriage thing. But it took family and friends, and even my first husband, to make me see that getting away from an alcoholic is not failure. In my case it represented success for me, and my daughter. No one was feeling I didn't do all I coudl to make the marriage work. As others have said, it takes two to fail a marriage.

Bree, I couldn't see past my relationship wuith my AH. I couldn't see my life without him. Now I am living it and it is so serene. Serenity really is a great word for it. It feels like the perfect opposite from the word chaos, which was my old world. We were loving, no screaming or throwing things, you wouldn't have thought it was chaos. But that was just because I was willing to accept so little form him, and still maintain the peace. I know now it was just quiet chaos.

I can't tell you to do it, I can just tell you my experience. Bree, I am so happy now, and I was once where you are. Maybe that will help you find strength if this is soemthing you already know you want to do.

myles1

Breec,

Put the guilt bat away. And don't forget he probably manipulates you alot into feeling this way.

You aren't a failure.

Ngaire

Lorelai

Breec -

My life is just as important as anybody else's life. Once I truly understood and believed that sentence, choices became a lot easier for me.

Your life is just as important as anybody else's life.
L