My mother's drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
My mother's drinking
Hello, I'm brand new to this forum, and I'm looking for some help. Thank you in advance. I guess I'll start off by explaining this situation one member at a time. I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible, but I do want to provide context.
My mother:
She drinks, and has done so since her time in college away from the farm she was raised on. She acknowledges this to some degree, but she'll avoid talking about it and pretend nothing's wrong, asking me about my work, my life, etc. She's in her early 50s.
She also has an eating disorder from her teenage years that she has never come to terms with and probably is in denial about. It was not diagnosed properly for some time after it formed.
My parents separated due to alcohol and my father killed himself shortly afterward. My mother maintained custody by going to rehab. I think she stopped drinking while she raised my brother and I but relapsed after a man she met lost all her assets, and after my brother and I moved away right around 18. She did her best to raise us and wasn't deliberately abusive but I think her problems caused some "abusive" symptoms. I have a memory of threatening to call social services after my brother was being mean to me, and she called my bluff, saying "go for it" or something to that effect. I'm also angry that she sold the house she owned in favor of mortgaging and put her assets in the hands of someone who lost it all. That was my grandfather's money, not to mention that it has impacted my ability to go to university and "follow my dreams". What I would give to be part of the "asset owning" crowd and not have to pour half my income into rent since I was 19.
Since then she was at her worst a couple years ago, and embarrassed us at family events, etc. She went to a rehab clinic for a couple weeks, but that didn't seem to help and didn't address the underlying eating disorder issue. She seems to have since returned to a state of partial denial and pretending everything's okay. She helps old people for work sometimes, but it's far from full-time. She hasn't had a real job in years, and her life now consists of her three cats.
Me:
I'm 25, and found most of this out when I was about 20, after an embarrassing christmas gathering. Maybe I knew earlier and didn't get it/was enabling/denial. I don't know, I was young and I try not to judge myself for that.
I still live 100 miles away and I would like to stay in touch but firstly--I don't want to enable her and validate her denial. I used to feel that there was nothing to be done and I continued talking to her: rarely mentioning the issue. But now it's really starting to weigh on me and I find myself preferring to forget about her and her issues since it weighs on me so much. It's easier for me to put her out of my life than it is for me to stay in touch since it occupies my thoughts so much. I'm not sure if this is the right course of action, and I have told her that she's being selfish as well. I'm wondering how I find a balance between concern for her life, and worrying about my own life since I don't have support and the world is tough enough as it is. resentment is a factor here as well.
My brother:
My brother is two years older. we were never close; he was cruel to me at times when we were kids, and I have resentment for him and my mother over this. My perspective on my young life changed when I realized the context of my mother's drinking. I don't know if this is healthy. I want to be "resentful" for what I perceive as being let down/abused. I feel like forgiveness would be like validating these people and their behaviour. I have anxiety and interpersonal problems which I think stem in part from these issues in my youth and I feel justified in being resentful now that I know how unhealthy my upbringing was.
We still aren't close, we're very different and he lives in a remote area and has done so since he was 18. I feel like he let us down somewhat by leaving and I feel the same way about my mother's siblings, who never bothered to help raise us(could have used a father figure) and never told me the history of my mother and her problem. My brother rarely visited after moving away, and has not spoken to my mother in a year on the basis that he won't speak to her until she fixes herself.
My grandma:
My mother's mother. She is almost 90, and a beautiful and kind soul. I value her greatly, and her wisdom. She also doesn't know what to do and has confronted my mother on her drinking(as have I), but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Of course, being her age, she thinks I should stay in touch with my mother anyway.
Generally, I don't know how I should approach this, if I should end contact with my mother, or how I can be supportive when I live in a different city(that has always been a fundamental problem to this). My mother doesn't have anyone else in her life and she was never very social. I also have my own life and problems to deal with and I want to find a balance there. I also don't know how to feel about this stuff: it's so hard when people talk about their family or their dad or whatever and it only brings me sadness.
Thanks for reading.
My mother:
She drinks, and has done so since her time in college away from the farm she was raised on. She acknowledges this to some degree, but she'll avoid talking about it and pretend nothing's wrong, asking me about my work, my life, etc. She's in her early 50s.
She also has an eating disorder from her teenage years that she has never come to terms with and probably is in denial about. It was not diagnosed properly for some time after it formed.
My parents separated due to alcohol and my father killed himself shortly afterward. My mother maintained custody by going to rehab. I think she stopped drinking while she raised my brother and I but relapsed after a man she met lost all her assets, and after my brother and I moved away right around 18. She did her best to raise us and wasn't deliberately abusive but I think her problems caused some "abusive" symptoms. I have a memory of threatening to call social services after my brother was being mean to me, and she called my bluff, saying "go for it" or something to that effect. I'm also angry that she sold the house she owned in favor of mortgaging and put her assets in the hands of someone who lost it all. That was my grandfather's money, not to mention that it has impacted my ability to go to university and "follow my dreams". What I would give to be part of the "asset owning" crowd and not have to pour half my income into rent since I was 19.
Since then she was at her worst a couple years ago, and embarrassed us at family events, etc. She went to a rehab clinic for a couple weeks, but that didn't seem to help and didn't address the underlying eating disorder issue. She seems to have since returned to a state of partial denial and pretending everything's okay. She helps old people for work sometimes, but it's far from full-time. She hasn't had a real job in years, and her life now consists of her three cats.
Me:
I'm 25, and found most of this out when I was about 20, after an embarrassing christmas gathering. Maybe I knew earlier and didn't get it/was enabling/denial. I don't know, I was young and I try not to judge myself for that.
I still live 100 miles away and I would like to stay in touch but firstly--I don't want to enable her and validate her denial. I used to feel that there was nothing to be done and I continued talking to her: rarely mentioning the issue. But now it's really starting to weigh on me and I find myself preferring to forget about her and her issues since it weighs on me so much. It's easier for me to put her out of my life than it is for me to stay in touch since it occupies my thoughts so much. I'm not sure if this is the right course of action, and I have told her that she's being selfish as well. I'm wondering how I find a balance between concern for her life, and worrying about my own life since I don't have support and the world is tough enough as it is. resentment is a factor here as well.
My brother:
My brother is two years older. we were never close; he was cruel to me at times when we were kids, and I have resentment for him and my mother over this. My perspective on my young life changed when I realized the context of my mother's drinking. I don't know if this is healthy. I want to be "resentful" for what I perceive as being let down/abused. I feel like forgiveness would be like validating these people and their behaviour. I have anxiety and interpersonal problems which I think stem in part from these issues in my youth and I feel justified in being resentful now that I know how unhealthy my upbringing was.
We still aren't close, we're very different and he lives in a remote area and has done so since he was 18. I feel like he let us down somewhat by leaving and I feel the same way about my mother's siblings, who never bothered to help raise us(could have used a father figure) and never told me the history of my mother and her problem. My brother rarely visited after moving away, and has not spoken to my mother in a year on the basis that he won't speak to her until she fixes herself.
My grandma:
My mother's mother. She is almost 90, and a beautiful and kind soul. I value her greatly, and her wisdom. She also doesn't know what to do and has confronted my mother on her drinking(as have I), but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Of course, being her age, she thinks I should stay in touch with my mother anyway.
Generally, I don't know how I should approach this, if I should end contact with my mother, or how I can be supportive when I live in a different city(that has always been a fundamental problem to this). My mother doesn't have anyone else in her life and she was never very social. I also have my own life and problems to deal with and I want to find a balance there. I also don't know how to feel about this stuff: it's so hard when people talk about their family or their dad or whatever and it only brings me sadness.
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi & welcome to SR.
I think you'll find here, in the F&F section, as well as in the Adult Children of Alcoholics Section, that a lot of people can relate to your story.
One good thing is -- you're an adult and you're no longer dependent on your A mother for food and lodging. Another is that you're not in the same town, and you have the ability to decide how much contact you want to have with her. And let me tell you, you DO have the right to set the boundaries for that. Even with your mother, you do.
I think setting boundaries for a relationship is healthy when you feel that it's affecting you negatively. People will tell you (as my kids have been told) that you OWE your parents SO MUCH for taking care of you and raising you. Most kids don't need to be told that; most kids feel that anyway. But I know kids who grow up with an alcoholic parent (like mine did) often struggle with a lot of guilt about whether they have the RIGHT to limit contact with the alcoholic parent. I say yes. You absolutely do.
One thing that struck me in your post was this:
I think part of that is just becoming your own person as an adult -- you shouldn't have to feel responsible or be responsible for your parent; you should be able to build your own life. What I might be concerned about is if you break or limit contact with her in order not to think about her issues and what consequences they have had for you. On the contrary -- I think you could choose to take the time you get by setting boundaries with her to focus on what in your life is still being affected by your childhood as the child of an alcoholic.
I just wanted to point out two things you said -- and this is not picking on you; this is just things that I see in myself, as a codependent former wife of an alcoholic:
That's resentment. You're resenting your mother's choices, and the effects they've had on you. My sponsor keeps telling me that resentment is not a good thing to carry around; that I can't walk around being mad at my ex for drinking up the money we could have had for retirement, or to invest in a house, or for the kids' (non-existent) college funds. She tells me I have to come to terms with the fact that the situation is what it is whether I like it or not -- and going around being mad about it isn't going to change reality; it's just going to make me a miserable person. (I have by no means mastered this, but I'm passing the suggestion along to you because I do believe it's a good one...)
About your brother and your aunts & uncles: Your brother and your other relatives might actually have distanced themselves from your mother to save their own sanity. It sounds a bit to me like you're not just mad at your relatives for not stepping in and helping your mother, but also like you're feeling sorry for yourself for having had the childhood you did.
And that's something I think other folks here who grew up with alcoholic parents are better at speaking to than I am. My kids grew up with an alcoholic father. They've all chosen to have no contact with him, because of his abusive behavior to them. They've handled it very differently, but I know all of them have this great big hole in their heart where their father should be. They did, however, have the advantage of having ONE functioning (albeit codependent) parent. You don't have that.
But here's what you do have: An amazing, loving grandmother. Let me tell you, sometimes, that's all you need. ONE person who believes in you. Who loves you. Who cheers you on and who is there. That is where I would focus my relationship energy. Not on the people who weren't there for you when you needed them, like your brother and aunts and uncles, but on your grandmother. Maybe she needs you as much as you need her?
It is hard when people talk about their families and yours is a train wreck. I hear you there. But you know, I've found through talking to other people that a lot of people have families that are train wrecks. They just don't talk about it. So you see all these seemingly perfect families out there and you know what yours is like and you just can't stand it. And then you find out about addictions and cheating and illegitimate kids and domestic violence and all kinds of behind-the-scenes ugly that people cover up. "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides," people here have told me more than once.
I'm rambling. But take what you can use and leave the rest. And I hope you hang out here and keep posting, because I'd say we're largely good folks here. A little beat up, a little damaged, a little crazy at times -- but with good hearts. And like I said initially -- many of us here have been where you are and can relate.
(((hugs)))
I think you'll find here, in the F&F section, as well as in the Adult Children of Alcoholics Section, that a lot of people can relate to your story.
One good thing is -- you're an adult and you're no longer dependent on your A mother for food and lodging. Another is that you're not in the same town, and you have the ability to decide how much contact you want to have with her. And let me tell you, you DO have the right to set the boundaries for that. Even with your mother, you do.
I think setting boundaries for a relationship is healthy when you feel that it's affecting you negatively. People will tell you (as my kids have been told) that you OWE your parents SO MUCH for taking care of you and raising you. Most kids don't need to be told that; most kids feel that anyway. But I know kids who grow up with an alcoholic parent (like mine did) often struggle with a lot of guilt about whether they have the RIGHT to limit contact with the alcoholic parent. I say yes. You absolutely do.
One thing that struck me in your post was this:
I find myself preferring to forget about her and her issues since it weighs on me so much. It's easier for me to put her out of my life than it is for me to stay in touch since it occupies my thoughts so much.
I just wanted to point out two things you said -- and this is not picking on you; this is just things that I see in myself, as a codependent former wife of an alcoholic:
That was my grandfather's money, not to mention that it has impacted my ability to go to university and "follow my dreams". What I would give to be part of the "asset owning" crowd and not have to pour half my income into rent since I was 19.
About your brother and your aunts & uncles:
I feel like he let us down somewhat by leaving and I feel the same way about my mother's siblings, who never bothered to help raise us(could have used a father figure) and never told me the history of my mother and her problem. My brother rarely visited after moving away, and has not spoken to my mother in a year on the basis that he won't speak to her until she fixes herself.
And that's something I think other folks here who grew up with alcoholic parents are better at speaking to than I am. My kids grew up with an alcoholic father. They've all chosen to have no contact with him, because of his abusive behavior to them. They've handled it very differently, but I know all of them have this great big hole in their heart where their father should be. They did, however, have the advantage of having ONE functioning (albeit codependent) parent. You don't have that.
But here's what you do have: An amazing, loving grandmother. Let me tell you, sometimes, that's all you need. ONE person who believes in you. Who loves you. Who cheers you on and who is there. That is where I would focus my relationship energy. Not on the people who weren't there for you when you needed them, like your brother and aunts and uncles, but on your grandmother. Maybe she needs you as much as you need her?
It is hard when people talk about their families and yours is a train wreck. I hear you there. But you know, I've found through talking to other people that a lot of people have families that are train wrecks. They just don't talk about it. So you see all these seemingly perfect families out there and you know what yours is like and you just can't stand it. And then you find out about addictions and cheating and illegitimate kids and domestic violence and all kinds of behind-the-scenes ugly that people cover up. "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides," people here have told me more than once.
I'm rambling. But take what you can use and leave the rest. And I hope you hang out here and keep posting, because I'd say we're largely good folks here. A little beat up, a little damaged, a little crazy at times -- but with good hearts. And like I said initially -- many of us here have been where you are and can relate.
(((hugs)))
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Welcome, rtcp. I'm not able to make a proper post at the moment, but still wanted to stop by and say hello. There are many of us who understand where you are right now, and we will try to help you as much as we can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
You're right that I have resentment for my mother; I'm just unsure how to reconcile this and turn it into something positive. I will wait for further responses.
I do feel sorry for myself about my childhood. I never used to and I don't know how much of it is warranted and how much of it is a projection of what I know now. probably somewhere in the middle. It's been illuminating for myself to understand these things since some elements of my personality were forged in this environment and I can now understand why I'm experiencing challenges here: opening up to people, being optimistic, seeing challenges as opportunities, etc. I know I can be very defeatist and I wonder sometimes if I never succeeded in music(I did go to college for two years) because of this. The whole situation has led to some insecurity for me as I see other people my age flourish into their own lives and I have had these challenges thrown in my lap that I was a long way from being able to deal with. not to mention "being a man", something I've had to learn on my own. There are a lot of bad role models and insensitive people out there.
I guess ultimately I long for healthy relationships that don't have elephants in the room and subtext and subjects that I avoid in the interest of avoiding awkwardness. I just want to connect with people in a healthy way but I've shut down in that regard. I see people mostly as either good or bad and I struggle to deal with people that make mistakes. I am very quick to shut people out or disconnect with them if I feel slighted, and I rarely open up to anyone unless I see them as unfailingly loyal. And I suspect that I can be pretty unloyal to others despite this.
Many people like talking about their families in a casual way... I get uncomfortable and I can be very sensitive to alcoholic jokes, for instance, or people talking about their dads or something. It seems I'm seeking support from someone who doesn't need it to be reciprocated, and I get "triggered" into a sad state when anything family-oriented comes up.
I just want these "tender spots" to heal so I can get on with my life and connect with people. I usually evade questions or deflect so I don't have to explain the stark reality that I've been through. Any advice on dealing with this is appreciated.
I have started a career in a trade as of a few months ago and I'm finally going to have my own apartment again starting next month. I have spent the last few years very much on my own and it takes its toll on your morale and ability to move forward. Eventually you get worn down and start taking what you can get and expecting less and less of yourself and the world. It's also been suggested that I seek therapy. Now that I have a decent job and some prospects I think I'll soon be in the headspace to do that. Thanks everyone.
I do feel sorry for myself about my childhood. I never used to and I don't know how much of it is warranted and how much of it is a projection of what I know now. probably somewhere in the middle. It's been illuminating for myself to understand these things since some elements of my personality were forged in this environment and I can now understand why I'm experiencing challenges here: opening up to people, being optimistic, seeing challenges as opportunities, etc. I know I can be very defeatist and I wonder sometimes if I never succeeded in music(I did go to college for two years) because of this. The whole situation has led to some insecurity for me as I see other people my age flourish into their own lives and I have had these challenges thrown in my lap that I was a long way from being able to deal with. not to mention "being a man", something I've had to learn on my own. There are a lot of bad role models and insensitive people out there.
I guess ultimately I long for healthy relationships that don't have elephants in the room and subtext and subjects that I avoid in the interest of avoiding awkwardness. I just want to connect with people in a healthy way but I've shut down in that regard. I see people mostly as either good or bad and I struggle to deal with people that make mistakes. I am very quick to shut people out or disconnect with them if I feel slighted, and I rarely open up to anyone unless I see them as unfailingly loyal. And I suspect that I can be pretty unloyal to others despite this.
Many people like talking about their families in a casual way... I get uncomfortable and I can be very sensitive to alcoholic jokes, for instance, or people talking about their dads or something. It seems I'm seeking support from someone who doesn't need it to be reciprocated, and I get "triggered" into a sad state when anything family-oriented comes up.
I just want these "tender spots" to heal so I can get on with my life and connect with people. I usually evade questions or deflect so I don't have to explain the stark reality that I've been through. Any advice on dealing with this is appreciated.
I have started a career in a trade as of a few months ago and I'm finally going to have my own apartment again starting next month. I have spent the last few years very much on my own and it takes its toll on your morale and ability to move forward. Eventually you get worn down and start taking what you can get and expecting less and less of yourself and the world. It's also been suggested that I seek therapy. Now that I have a decent job and some prospects I think I'll soon be in the headspace to do that. Thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Hi rtcp! I share some of the experiences you mention in your original post; my father was alcoholic, and committed suicide when I was 23. I reckon it took me around 30 years really to work through all the emotions to the point that it wasn't impacting on relationships in the here and now, so be gentle with yourself! The family home was dysfunctional and chaotic and though my mother has never had a problem with alcohol, she too was violent and abusive.
My observations are as follows... my parents stood in the way of my dreams because they didn't share my vision. I felt bitter and resentful for a few years, then found ways of getting back to college, doing the courses I wanted to do, and ended up doing pretty much what I'd probably have done if I'd followed my dreams in the first place.
Resentment is a waste of time and space. It doesn't hurt the other person, but it caused me to feel bad, unhappy and unworthy for several years. Angry people aren't very nice to be around, and this impacted on my life and affected my relationships. Of course, it had absolutely no effect on the people I felt resentful towards!
The best description of this process I've heard is that 'Harbouring resentment is like drinking poison in the hope that the other person will get sick'.
I went through a phase of feeling really, really envious of people whose fathers were still alive, too. I wince when I hear jokes about alcoholism, or people laughing about how they were so pissed they fell downstairs and knocked their front teeth out etc etc - you know the sort of thing I mean. We are not the only ones.
As for sharing your experiences... if you don't know and trust another person, it's appropriate not to share painful places from your past. Sometimes people will pry. I was recently at a dinner party, where I mentioned that the family home had been in a notoriously deprived area. I'm considered well-spoken, and one of the other guests picked up on this, and asked why the family lived there. I made some non-committal comment but she persisted. In the end I told her to mind her own business. The reason we lived there was because my father was in prison, there were seven kids in the family, my mother couldn't work and we couldn't afford anywhere else.
I'd share all this with a close friend, or a partner, but it's certainly not something I'm prepared to discuss with some nosy git I've only just met!
I've been in therapy on and off for much of my adult life; I'd say that now I'm probably more able to cope with life and all the stuff that gets thrown at us than many people who would never have sought it out in the first place. I'd highly recommend it.
However, another thing you might consider is attending Alanon meetings; hearing other people share experiences which are comparable to yours is immensely healing, and it's a safe place to connect with others, secure in the knowledge that your traumas and difficulties will be respected and understood.
Good luck with all this!
My observations are as follows... my parents stood in the way of my dreams because they didn't share my vision. I felt bitter and resentful for a few years, then found ways of getting back to college, doing the courses I wanted to do, and ended up doing pretty much what I'd probably have done if I'd followed my dreams in the first place.
Resentment is a waste of time and space. It doesn't hurt the other person, but it caused me to feel bad, unhappy and unworthy for several years. Angry people aren't very nice to be around, and this impacted on my life and affected my relationships. Of course, it had absolutely no effect on the people I felt resentful towards!
The best description of this process I've heard is that 'Harbouring resentment is like drinking poison in the hope that the other person will get sick'.
I went through a phase of feeling really, really envious of people whose fathers were still alive, too. I wince when I hear jokes about alcoholism, or people laughing about how they were so pissed they fell downstairs and knocked their front teeth out etc etc - you know the sort of thing I mean. We are not the only ones.
As for sharing your experiences... if you don't know and trust another person, it's appropriate not to share painful places from your past. Sometimes people will pry. I was recently at a dinner party, where I mentioned that the family home had been in a notoriously deprived area. I'm considered well-spoken, and one of the other guests picked up on this, and asked why the family lived there. I made some non-committal comment but she persisted. In the end I told her to mind her own business. The reason we lived there was because my father was in prison, there were seven kids in the family, my mother couldn't work and we couldn't afford anywhere else.
I'd share all this with a close friend, or a partner, but it's certainly not something I'm prepared to discuss with some nosy git I've only just met!
I've been in therapy on and off for much of my adult life; I'd say that now I'm probably more able to cope with life and all the stuff that gets thrown at us than many people who would never have sought it out in the first place. I'd highly recommend it.
However, another thing you might consider is attending Alanon meetings; hearing other people share experiences which are comparable to yours is immensely healing, and it's a safe place to connect with others, secure in the knowledge that your traumas and difficulties will be respected and understood.
Good luck with all this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Thanks you rosalba, that's helpful. I should not be afraid to set boundaries with strangers/acquaintances when the discussion becomes too personal. Historically I'm more likely to simply leave the table!
I'm open to all feedback here. It's therapeutic at least. More specifically, though, my issue currently is whether I should stay in touch. My mother has emailed me for the first time in a couple weeks, asking how I'm doing. The last time I emailed her I explained how I find her selfish and how I feel: how I can't pretend everything is okay with her/us and how difficult it is for me to stay in contact with the elephant in the room. So any thoughts on the approach to this would be helpful.
I'm open to all feedback here. It's therapeutic at least. More specifically, though, my issue currently is whether I should stay in touch. My mother has emailed me for the first time in a couple weeks, asking how I'm doing. The last time I emailed her I explained how I find her selfish and how I feel: how I can't pretend everything is okay with her/us and how difficult it is for me to stay in contact with the elephant in the room. So any thoughts on the approach to this would be helpful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
I found both therapy and Alanon meetings very useful in regard to dealing with my family (not just the alcoholism, but other very unhealthy behaviours) in the sense of relating to them without getting sucked into the games.
Your mother knows that she's got a problem. She has her own way of coping with it - at the moment by being in denial and continuing to drink. That's her choice and there's nothing you can do about it. Your task is your own recovery, your own wellbeing, and not letting her actions impact on you negatively.
If she contacts you asking how you are, ask yourself how you will feel if you respond, or otherwise. If replying to say you're fine, thanks, will cause you anxiety - then don't. Here's a useful link on how to deal with difficult people in your life:live and let live: how detaching can improve relationships - positively present
Hope this helps! Though I've found that attending Alanon meetings has been useful above all other routes in learning how to protect myself whilst not shutting other out.
Your mother knows that she's got a problem. She has her own way of coping with it - at the moment by being in denial and continuing to drink. That's her choice and there's nothing you can do about it. Your task is your own recovery, your own wellbeing, and not letting her actions impact on you negatively.
If she contacts you asking how you are, ask yourself how you will feel if you respond, or otherwise. If replying to say you're fine, thanks, will cause you anxiety - then don't. Here's a useful link on how to deal with difficult people in your life:live and let live: how detaching can improve relationships - positively present
Hope this helps! Though I've found that attending Alanon meetings has been useful above all other routes in learning how to protect myself whilst not shutting other out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
I have drafted an email to her, just wondering if I'm approaching this correctly:
I want to keep you in my life but I cannot keep the alcoholic side of you in my life. It brings me too much anxiety and stress. You need to take REAL steps to try to heal yourself before you can expect <brother> and I to share our lives. You have enough stability in your life that this is not an unreasonable request. I have to set boundaries with you. I cannot stand by and be complicit in your alcoholism.
-----
I find it hard to keep my writing from being personal; any tips?
I want to keep you in my life but I cannot keep the alcoholic side of you in my life. It brings me too much anxiety and stress. You need to take REAL steps to try to heal yourself before you can expect <brother> and I to share our lives. You have enough stability in your life that this is not an unreasonable request. I have to set boundaries with you. I cannot stand by and be complicit in your alcoholism.
-----
I find it hard to keep my writing from being personal; any tips?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You're trying to tell her what to do. That's not healthy and not going to work. If you're expecting her to see the light from this email, then prepare yourself for a huge amount of disappointment. You are poking the bear. This isn't likely to make anyone do anything more than get angry. Letters to A's are generally a waste of time. I'd just go No Contact. You don't have to explain yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
It's that time of year... My mothers made some headway over the past several months(got a job, apparently not drinking), but I still feel a lot of resentment and I don't feel like doing the whole holiday get-together thing. How do you determine when you're ready to open up to someone again? I know my own personal issues are a factor here and I haven't seen a therapist yet.
How do you approach the issue of alcoholics during the holidays? I feel like my relationship with my mother lost several years to her drinking; I'm not prepared to forget it all after a few months of good behavior. Any advice here? I'm really having a hard time telling the difference between my productive feelings and my resentment towards her, and reconciling that with my desire to visit my grandmother over the holidays.
Any input or further links/reading would be appreciated.
How do you approach the issue of alcoholics during the holidays? I feel like my relationship with my mother lost several years to her drinking; I'm not prepared to forget it all after a few months of good behavior. Any advice here? I'm really having a hard time telling the difference between my productive feelings and my resentment towards her, and reconciling that with my desire to visit my grandmother over the holidays.
Any input or further links/reading would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
If you don't want to do the holiday get-together, then don't. Or limit it. The way that I deal with it is that I see my mother and other family members on Christmas day, but don't drink during the day. Then, when my alcoholic brother starts to get tanked up, I say my goodbyes, hop in the car and drive home.
I've found that Alanon membership has been more useful in dealing with the issues around an alcoholic family than years of therapy and loads of reading could ever be. It has enabled me to clarify how to deal with people towards whom I have ambivalent feelings, detach from them and deal with resentment.
I've found that Alanon membership has been more useful in dealing with the issues around an alcoholic family than years of therapy and loads of reading could ever be. It has enabled me to clarify how to deal with people towards whom I have ambivalent feelings, detach from them and deal with resentment.
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