Teggie

Hi everyone, I'm kinda befuddled atm, just thinking and wondering if I'm going in the right direction. In a short history version my AO walked out on me and my kids several weeks ago, I had to move back to my hometown and peice together a new life for my kids and I. I'm doing allright there, got a job, rented a lil house, breathing every day and putting one foot in front of the other. I'm in Alanon, I'm here alot, I'm working on my 2nd step. I was very angry, resentful and bitter and when my AO IM'd me a couple of nights ago I blew up at him and told him just what I thought of him (lol) So I came directly here and vented loudly about it, did alot of studying and thinking and got back on track. I received a email from him after that fight, saying he apologized, how he didn't realize that I was so depressed when he left, how it was prob all his fault and how he still loved us. Of course I ran here and posted about that too lol and then I set down and wrote him a long letter explaining my view on what all had been wrong in our relationship, how I thought he needed help, how I was handling my own recovery and that a part of me did still love him and if we ever got our respective issues addressed maybye we could try marriage counseling, we have a son together and I don't want to regret later that I didn't give him a opening to try to work it out. (whew! what a mouthful!)

So here I am now, he came and picked up our son to stay with him a few days, we discussed the boundries I set about no drinking or pain med using while he has our son, he's staying with some friends that I know from our together days who are sober and active in church, they will be present 90% of his visitation time. Still I feel a little anxious about that. He never responded to my letter although he acknowledged he did receive it, which is all I need to know. I'm on the internet alot at night (I lead an exciting life lol) so he IM's me tonight with various info about our son's visit, and general chitchat, (cheaper than a long distance call) I converse with him , and I am amazed I now have the ability to have a conversation with him without getting nasty about it. Nothing was brought up about his addiction or our problems, I didn't ask if he's going to AA yet, it's his decision and I figure he'll let me know if he wants. At the end of the conversation he says "I love you, I'm sorry we had to come down to this" I said "I'm sorry too, but we can only move foreward now right?" and that was the end of the conversation. I'm feeling kinda confused, wondering if I'm setting myself up somehow by talking to him like we did even if it was mostly casual chitchat. If my bounderies and detachment are where they need to be. I do still love him but there's too many issues that have to be dealt with, love just isn't enough. My goal and I informed him of this in my letter is that I'm not letting him back in my life unless he gets hisself straightened out, becomes financially responsible, attends marriage counseling and I continue my recovery through al-anon. These are the rules and I honestly don't know if he can/will do it. His part is not my responsibility. So I try to make myself prepared that it won't happen and concentrate on myself and my kids. Just wondering if I'm still sailing in the right direction, or am I springing tiny leaks in my lifeboat. any thoughts?
Thanks for any replies, sorry post is so long....it's the obsessive compulsive side of me coming out, lol.
Chronically confused.....Teggie

Gabe

You're giving something a shot. There are no guarantees in life. It might work out, it might not. Take it one day at a time and see where it goes. That is all we mere mortals can do.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hey Teggie!

There's a difference between detachment and dispatchment. LOL The fact that you are able to converse with your husband civilly shows that you ARE detaching from the disease. You are recognizing that there is more to this person than alcohol and dealing with that part of him. That IS detachment. The goal is not to detach from the person, but to detach from our obsession with their condition. Clearly, where their behavior hurts us or children we have to take steps to avoid it, and there are certainly those alcoholics that it is best to avoid altogether. But you don't have to build a solid brick wall between yourself and that other human being. It can have a window.

As long as you're remembering that your sailboat won't carry him, you're sailing along just fine.

HUGS!
Smoke

Nightowl

I think you sound very healthy and you are definitely moving in the right direction. Stick to your plan though. Love can easily side track you. You are right love isn't enough.

hugs and keep at it!!

Teggie

Thanks y'all!! I read your replies and have tears in my eyes. It all makes perfect sense to me. Thank you smoke for clarifying the detachment, that was EXACTLEY what I needed to hear. The part about my sailboat only having room for me really hit the nail on the head. Gabe thanks for reminding me to take it one day at a time, I tend to be a person who wants it all solved and figured out, NOW, lol, it's alot of work for me to realize this is going to be a slow and ongoing process. Night, I feel a kindred spirit with you, I just got through replying to your post, we have alot in common. I look foreward to us all helping each other navigate our ways through life. I only hope that I can be as helpful to others as everyone has been to me. Love and hugs to all my new freinds....Teggie

Nightowl

Awwww, Teggie...I felt the same thing...I felt a real connection to your posts. Thanks for your response on mine. It made me cry.

I'm losing my INternet at home now since my A SO left. He's coming down in a few hours to pick up some of his things. The cable modem is his and I am afraid I can't afford internet at home any more. I feel like my right arm is being cut off. Wahhhh!!! :crying: Oh, well, I can hop on at work from time to time. But I really have been relying on this board this weekend. I am just so sad that he is leaving. More sad than I can say.

Teggie

Accck cable internet, so expensive! I had it too and like you he took the modem too. I couldn't have afforded it anyhow. You know what though? there are alot of dialup services pretty cheap out there I looked into some before I got moved and finally got dsl. Peoplepc is one I can think of right off hand, it's like 5-10 dollars a month. I even headed to the library some during my "in limbo" time, just so I could check the site and check my email. I could'nt imagine at this point doing without this board, the amount of understanding and help I have found here is just astronomical. Please keep posting whenever you can, keep your fight up, a little is better than none. I even went to a freind's house and borrowed thier comp to post with hehe. Where there is a will, there is a way eh? I understand you feeling sad, it sucks ROYALLY doesn't it? I can still feel that awful raw pain. I'm sure your going through hell right now. In fact I know you are, cause I felt the same way. Do you think you need to be there when he comes? Maybye it would be better at this point to not see him taking his share of y'alls stuff. That kinda seems like pouring alcohol (pun intended) on an open wound right now. If your afraid he'll take something he should'nt is there someone who could come over and be with you while this goes on? I worry about you, I remember how vulnerable I was right after the split. A part of me (the obviously codependant part) wanted to just go flying into his arms beg him not to go and say "it'll work out because we love each other". But I know, and I know you know too, that won't solve anything and will only cause more pain down the line. It hurts like hell, no doubt about it. It's gonna take time for you to get to where you can deal with having more contact with him. You may not be at a point that you can right now. I wasn't for quite awhile. Post here and let us know how the visit goes, stay strong, remember we are rooting for you and we are on your side. Even if you have to chant the serenity prayer over and over while this happens. I did that once lol, when I brought our son up for a visitation, I was getting some STRANGE looks lol. Big hugs to you, my sister in pain. Talk to you soon, Teggie

Marcinor

Teggie

I'm new here, in fact this is my first post. Your story is very close to mine. Although you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than I do currently.

I'm scared to try and get help and scared not too. My partner wants into my life one day and not the next. I feel like a yo-yo emotionally. Wondering why I allow this choas into my life.

I just get the point of letting go and then he pops back in and the rollercoaster starts all over again. He may be an alcoholic in addition to his addiction to porn. He functions day to day so he seems like a great guy to everyone but my family and friends who are just sick and tired of me allowing him back into my life after he hurts me.

I know I'm not stupid but I keep acting stupidly. I need support and help but don't know how to really start but here.

I'd appreciate any help out there.

Marci

Magichappens

Teggie,
It sounds like you are still headed in the right direction. Your expectations of your H seem realistic. That is one of the things I have struggled with. Instead of focussing on myself and what was good for me, I expected him to do what was good for me. Today I don't expect anyone to change for me. Learning to face life as it is, and not how I think it should be, has helped me to be at peace with the world as it is. You are growing. You will have growing pains. You will make mistakes. It's all part of the process. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing great.

Marci,
Welcome to SR. There is much support and caring here. There are people with experience in learning to deal with the effects of alcoholism and addiction on themself. Feel free to browse the forum. Don't miss the powerposts at the top of the forum. There is some great information there. Hope you find some help here. I know you will find support and love. Hugs, Magic

Teggie

((((Marci))) welcome! I'm glad you found us. Do as Magic said read the posts above. This is a great forum. Have you considered alanon? It could really help you make your self stronger and better able to deal with the addicted other in your life. Post here too and vent, rant, whatever you feel like you need to do. I'm glad you found us, it's a start. Hope to hear from you soon....Teggie

Dazimae

This post really touched my heart as well, I just got done readin co dependent no more and loved it. Although it talked about setatchment it also said if you can't do it with love do it with anger just do it. I was unable to do it with love I could not bring myself to love this man that was so mean to our kids when he drank, I could not lay beside him, I could not talk to him, I didn;t go anywhere with him when he drank it happened to be every day * one of my boundries,* So it felt like I had to detatch from the person the person was the alcohol he became one. When he is going to AA and trying to stop he is such a nicer person, I have a hard time working on myself and liking myself and working on my shortcomings when I am being treated so badley my heart tells me I do not deserve to be treated this way. How do you do both??
I moved out for 3 weeks and everyone told me give him atleast 8 months..... I didn;t listen and he started drinking again a week after we moved in.... and I have been struggeling every since.. I love this place... (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))