Sungrl

I know when you start a thread saying that its bound to irk somebody.
Please believe me that is not my intention. I value all opinions here. All sides of this disease called addiction have valid and important pieces of the puzzle to share.

But... (you knew that was coming) is it just me or do we have a lot of ( I swear I am not referring to any individuals in particular) folks from the recovering or still in addiction side posting here? I know many times the OP likes to get all sides of the story. I do as well.

Maybe my question should be ..... Does anyone else feel triggered when they are reading a thread and there seems to be unsolicited views or sometimes even snarky comments from 'the other side" ??

I know I can bail on these thread but sometimes it's too late. I like the anonymity here and if my significant other were recovering I would love if they joined SR I just wouldn't want them on my side of the street.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense bit I just didn't know if I was alone in feeling this way.

hopeful4

Hello Sungirl!

I totally get what you are saying, however, I believe it's good for them to be over here sometimes just for perspective. You can always bail. Now, as far as snarky comments, that does tick me off too! I would NEVER go over to the alcoholics threads and be rude and snarky over there. So yes, I get what you are saying.

Unfortunately, there will always be a few who are just trying to stir the pot, that's the reality.

Hugs. I am glad you are here!

readerbaby71

Sorry it affects you negatively, but I think it's very important to have all kinds of perspectives on the board, especially from "double winners" like me who know what it's like on both sides of the street.

FireSprite

I do see what you are saying, but I also agree that I appreciate hearing all perspectives on a topic almost all of the time. I get a LOT out of that type of cross-talk.

I think the only time I am generally triggered is when it is someone very new to recovery & their posts tend to be harsh & they post emotionally & defensively (& yes, rudely). But that's true on BOTH sides - whether it's a new-to-recovery-RA or RC (Recovering Codie) posting.... I've seen many Codies post in nasty, rude tones when they don't like what they are hearing.

Last week 2 threads were started within the same day, both by RA's early in recovery, both basically asking the same questions in completely different tones.... one dissolved & was locked, the other flourished & became GREAT sticky material.

If I am very triggered by a thread I always benefit from stepping away before replying (if I even do after thinking it through). If a poster tends to regularly post in a manner that continually riles me up then I will add them to my ignore list if I can't stop myself from reading/reacting to what they post. JMHO!!

Sungrl

I completely agree and would never make someone feel they couldn't express their feelings. I was just very surprised how some comments made me feel. I felt a lot of things I had put behind me had surfaced again. Maybe they did me a favor!

The one thread that was made I sticky I thought was awesome. I participated in that and got stuff out that was still inside my head. I guess we take the good with the bad.

Thanks Everyone

FireSprite

Speaking strictly FOR ME - I have found that when I am the most triggered it's generally because there was a nugget of Truth in what I read that I didn't like or wasn't ready to face.

Not ALWAYS & never when the Poster's intent is simply to cause chaos between members (trolls), but often when I sit back & stop taking the words personally I find something of value that helps me on my own path.

NWGRITS

Yesterday someone was blatantly trolling threads. We do have a couple of longer-time members who really don't understand any part of the process and tend to post super inflammatory things. I try to not post of I've been triggered, but it's hard when someone is constantly posting "woe is me" but isn't really trying to work recovery. At that point I go do something for myself and try to forget about it.

lillamy

I understand what you're saying, Sungrl. For me, the feeling is grounded in the sense that this (like the Al-Anon meetings) is a safe place, a place where, for once, I don't have to deal directly with addicts. I totally get all of that.

I often react to those posts the way I reacted when an A came in (drunk) to a closed Al-Anon meeting and demanded a ride and money for lunch. It was incredibly triggering to me (a male Al-Anon member showed great example when he simply told the A that this was not a meeting for him, and that nobody would supply him with anything, and that he needed to leave).

I think the moderators here have been good at relocating threads that are blatantly in the wrong forum, and also to tell people when they're going off the rails. The triggering that happens -- well, suck as it may, that's sort of up to us to deal with ourselves.

I don't want addicts to feel unwelcome here. When I get triggered, I try to avoid those threads. And I feel like quite often, addicts who come here have things in common with us codies: They have been told the truth over and over again, and they want us to provide them with a different answer, because they didn't like the one they got. That's what I was like when I first came here, too.

DoubleDragons

I initially came to SR looking for "help" (i.e. "Cure" HA!) my mom's alcoholism. It is through reading everything on this site and several books, that I came to the conclusion that I was just in an earlier stage of alcoholism than my mom, and I changed the focus from her to me. I got sober over ten months ago with SR being my sole support. I also have learned a tremendous amount about my codependent traits having an alcoholic/personality disordered parent, also primarily from SR. I don't know what I would do without having access to either side. I try to be sensitive when I post. I have triggered some on the A side of SR because I make a point of letting them know that our alcoholism does not happen in a vacuum. Overwhelmingly, I think most of the posters here on all sides of SR are wonderful and really have our best interests at heart. If I find a poster triggering, I have learned to ignore their posts.

NWGRITS

Many of our forum members are double winners like DoubleDragons. They are both addict and codie. For the most part, our double winners provide great insight. DoubleDragons, Carlotta, and Amy55 are three that I can think of off the top of my head who provide wonderful advice based on their experiences.

PurpleKnight

When I first joined SR I strictly stayed in the recovery section, who was I gonna be helping when I couldn't help myself? I needed to get my own house in order first!!

Then after achieving Sobriety, I began to reflect on my own childhood as a family member of an alcoholic, who was my dad, but I definitely still don't post here as much as I do in the alcoholism/newcomer sections.

As both a family member of an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic myself, I pitch in where I can, but I would recommend all newcomers to SR not to jump into other areas of the Forum in the beginning that don't relate to your immediate needs, leave that until after you've got your own house in order!!

m1k3

One of the best posts I read here had to do with checking your pronouns before you hit enter. If you are saying 'I' a lot then you are sharing your experience. If you are saying 'You' a lot then maybe you shouldn't hit the post button.

Your friend,

happybeingme

I post on this sub forum because it is titled Friends and Family. I am both. But, I am special because I am also an alcoholic. :p I was on another forum for years but left because it was almost exclusively alcohol recovery talk. That isn't my problem anymore. My problem is all of the dysfunctional behavior I have from my FOO. That may sound weird but alcohol isn't something I think about. What I think about is what led me to my drinking.

What I try to do is simply read and learn. Remind myself to only share what I have experienced but I am not perfect. If I have ever triggered you or anyone else I am sorry. Perhaps you could point these triggers.out so we can both learn

Butterfly

I find it really useful the insight that those who have sought sobriety and the double winners can provide when I am trying to understand addiction and my separated AH thinking and behaviour.

I agree that sometimes posts may at times trigger responses in us but I think we need to take a step back!!

There was someone trolling posts recently who posted comments that could cause triggers in the F&FF just one comment then they moved onto another post. I found myself feeling triggered and began to write my response I got to the end and thought why I'm just causing anger for myself so I didn't post.

On the other hand there was a recent post from an A who genuinely wanted to know what it is like for us. I think we need to be able to see both sides of the struggle

Thumper

I appreciate the 'double winners' posting and don't even really mind the occasional post from the alcoholics forum but when bother partners post in here - wow - there is nothing wrong with it but I am hugely triggered by it. It is kind of crazy on my part it is so intense and I can see how unhealthy the roots of that reaction was/would be in any of my own interpersonal relationships. I tend to ignore it because I'm not in one but it is probably something I should explore eventually .

LadyinBC

I have family members too who were or are alcoholics.

I definately agree that when you come over here to post and you are the addicted one you have to look at it differently and to remember that you are in the F&F forum. It is all in a persons delivery. Coming over here and making trouble or making snarky comments, I think is just inappropriate. And it absolutely serves no purpose.

Reading and participating on this side really does help me in my recovery. It is important for me to remember that my alcoholism affects the people around me. Addiction really is a family disease, everyone has to recover from it just not the addicted one. We are all in this together, at the end of the day it is about respect.

Rosalba

Years ago I started attending CoDependents Anonymous meetings, and left after a couple of months because they were dominated by a couple of (drinking) alcoholics who would often turn up drunk. I was very new to recovery and didn't feel I could offer an opinion, and luckily I found Alanon a few years later. I doubt that this would be tolerated in Alanon.

I often visit the parts of the forum for alcoholics because so many of the members are inspirational; I've also attended open AA meetings for the same reason.

But there have been a few posts on here from very distressed alcoholics in early recovery, angry and belligerent, and I've momentarily experienced the same sensations as I did in CoDA. Luckily they aren't many, but it would be nice if EVERYBODY respected this as a place of safety.

Clementina

I just wanted to chime in here because I'm new, and I'm another "double-winner." I joined SR to help me kick my drinking for good. But I am realizing that, between my current partner, my long string of previous alcoholic and/or addicted partners, and several family members and close friends, I need this forum as much as (if not more than) I need the alcoholism forums. I suspect I'm not the only RA whose drinking stems from the same place as my codependency.

I also see both sides of the issue, and I respect this space and the issue you're bringing up, Sungrl. Maybe there should just be a separate space that's only for friends and family? It's important that people have a space to feel safe discussing these issues. I get that.

Yurt

I "leaned" on this forum quite heavily when I first joined SR, and found myself frequently getting a "kick in the pants", when I demonstrated dysfunctional thinking. I usually withdrew to nurse my wounds, but I ALWAYS found something useful in those posts. We all need the gentle, but from time to time, we need to face that life can be unpleasant. I don't feel that I am in a place (yet) to offer as much as many of you, but that is probably because I think I am still full-on codie. I only wish there was a codie specific forum as well, since not all of my issues are addiction related.